[butterflyelvis]

Ok, so us friends and family and those who love someone dealing with para or quad issues--we mean well. we want to say something that will help. esp at times when the other person really does want or need to talk, BUT...what do poeple say, that althought they mean well, just doesn't help or actually has a negative effect?

I just want to make sure that i'm not accidently being a dipsh*t. LOL

[E-DOG]

Ah, the able bodied, bless their pointed little heads, do mean well.
Ya'll simply aren't as advanced as we are.

The problem is this: Because our body's have failed us our brains are evolving more rapidly than yours.
Eventually we will out think you to the point of becoming rulers of the civilized world. The A-bod's as you will soon be called will become our slaves, to do with as we wish.

That's when we'll teach you just what to say in a given situation.

Till then perhaps it would be best if you all were to have a coke and a smile and shut the hell up.
Better to keep quiet and appear the fool, than to open yer mouth and erase all doubt.

E

[Maltese Cat]

E-dog, you make me LAUGH!
Can't wait to be your slave.... (!!)

[Bob C]

butterflyelvis, on Jan 12 2010, 05:47 PM, said:

Ok, so us friends and family and those who love someone dealing with para or quad issues--we mean well. we want to say something that will help. esp at times when the other person really does want or need to talk, BUT...what do poeple say, that althought they mean well, just doesn't help or actually has a negative effect?

I just want to make sure that i'm not accidently being a dipsh*t. LOL

If the person "really" needs to talk, then all you need to do is to listen. Understand. Be there.

[qbounce]

It's alright . . . . You'll be walking in no time!-jk

Be yourself. Treat him as you always have. And if that doesn't work, give him either money or sex. Either of which works for me.

[SoliK]

OMG, I love this group..absolutely love it. You all make me smile and most importantly, laugh!!

I agree..just be yourself and listen..Good communication is key... take it one day at a time..

PS.I'll be my T5's slave anytime he wants....;-)

[gordonr]

E-DOG, on Jan 12 2010, 11:19 PM, said:

Because our body's have failed us our brains are evolving more rapidly than yours.
Eventually we will out think you to the point of becoming rulers of the civilized world. The A-bod's as you will soon be called will become our slaves, to do with as we wish.

It so happens we have clear precedent before our eyes. That is, frail little objectively handicapped females leading great strapping AB males around by the nose.

(*Throw a chain around my neck and lead me anywhere...*)

However, contrary to E-Dog (and myself for that matter) such females are both smart and CUTE.

'nuff said.

-G

[butterflyelvis]

You guys are great. Thanks. This forum has made me laugh out loud and I love that.

qbounce, if I should slip up and say something dumb, I'll keep your sex or money advise in mind.

This post has been edited by butterflyelvis: 13 January 2010 - 10:47 PM

[MxDisasterGrl]

Maltese Cat, on Jan 12 2010, 06:23 PM, said:

E-dog, you make me LAUGH!
Can't wait to be your slave.... (!!)

Honestly, hun, i don't really think you HAVE to WAIT....i'm pretty sure he'll accept you now!
They don't call 'em dog for nothin'

[qbounce]

butterflyelvis, on Jan 13 2010, 03:47 PM, said:

You guys are great. Thanks. This forum has made me laugh out loud and I love that.

qbounce, if I should slip up and say something dumb, I'll keep your sex or money advise in mind.

Why wait?

[Inger]

Some of the most annoying things Russ has heard are meant to be funny, and miss the mark. A man at church approached him and said, "Hey, can you do wheelies in that thing?" I mean, what??? How about a simple, "Hi, my name is ______. Nice to meet you." One that really chapped me was a "cute" post on a christian website that read: the Devil is a quadriplegic. He's been dis-armed and de-feated. I imagine that the person who posted that probably didn't mean to offend...I also imagine that she's dumber than a sack of hammers.

[Django]

I've only been injured for 14 months. For me it was easier that I accept my injury and the absolute loss of communication to my legs than it was for my loved ones. Or maybe they thought they wouldn't be supportive if they admitted I wasn't going to walk again. I agree with everyone else, just offer your ear and love.

[Christa]

i need help.. my husband is injecting his pain medication.. i'm injecting it for him.. i can't stop it... he gets angry if i don't.. i'm stuck.. i'm guilty, worried... mentally at a stand still... i'm loosing... his doctor dropped him.. i'm sick of his lies.. i love him... i don't know what to do... wait? get him help, leave? i've taken care of him for 5 years now and i love him to death, but this is killing us... i don't know what i expect from any of you either. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and never come back. he threatens to kill himself... how healthy of a relationship is this...

This post has been edited by Christa: 19 February 2010 - 06:17 AM

[Tetracyclone]

Christa, on Feb 19 2010, 01:06 AM, said:

i need help.. my husband is injecting his pain medication.. i'm injecting it for him.. i can't stop it... he gets angry if i don't.. i'm stuck.. i'm guilty, worried... mentally at a stand still... i'm loosing... his doctor dropped him.. i'm sick of his lies.. i love him... i don't know what to do... wait? get him help, leave? i've taken care of him for 5 years now and i love him to death, but this is killing us... i don't know what i expect from any of you either. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and never come back. he threatens to kill himself... how healthy of a relationship is this...

Christa,

Your post deserves to be its own thread, but I can see you were having trouble thinking when you posted. In short, the relationship is very destructive right now hand you MUST talk to a professional about it. A time apart may be essential.
Call a hotline, talk to a clergyman or someone at your old rehab... a mental health professional, a new doctor... SOMEONE! Now. Posting here is good but you both need more.
Just do it.

Please.

Pat

This post has been edited by Tetracyclone: 19 February 2010 - 05:28 PM

[gordonr]

Christa, on Feb 19 2010, 06:06 AM, said:

i need help.. my husband is injecting his pain medication.. i'm injecting it for him.. i can't stop it... he gets angry if i don't.. i'm stuck.. i'm guilty, worried... mentally at a stand still... i'm loosing... his doctor dropped him.. i'm sick of his lies.. i love him... i don't know what to do... wait? get him help, leave? i've taken care of him for 5 years now and i love him to death, but this is killing us... i don't know what i expect from any of you either. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and never come back. he threatens to kill himself... how healthy of a relationship is this...

Christa,

In a lot of threads, we have to seperate out what part of the trouble is SCI and what part is not.

In this case, even though your hubby might have started drugs because of SCI, his main problem right now is not the SCI but the drugs.

Therefore, what you need is help specifically from people who work with addicts.

Once again, don't worry about the SCI when you describe the situation. Every addict has a reason. But the reason becomes irrelevant when the drugs have come to a certain point.

On the positive side: There is life after SCI, and there is also life after drug addiction.

What happens to your relationship will depend on how he reacts to the challenge of cleaning up.

Good luck,

Gordon

[allis53ca]

Topic : "What Do You Really Not Want To Hear., when people mean well, but just don't get it"


"i need help.. my husband is injecting his pain medication.. i'm injecting it for him.. i can't stop it... he gets angry if i don't.. i'm stuck.. i'm guilty, worried... mentally at a stand still... i'm loosing... his doctor dropped him.. i'm sick of his lies.. i love him... i don't know what to do... wait? get him help, leave? i've taken care of him for 5 years now and i love him to death, but this is killing us... i don't know what i expect from any of you either. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and never come back. he threatens to kill himself... how healthy of a relationship is this..."

E-dog is punkin us, right?

[Christa]

I suppose I posted here because... it's "What Do You Really Not Want To Hear., but I missed this part " when people mean well, but just don't get it"

Anyway, we are on the way to recovery and I just needed somewhere at that moment to vent. And you guys were the closest thing I could find. Thank you for your kind words.

So, thanks again and I'll try following up in a few weeks. maybe under a different heading.

"i need help.. my husband is injecting his pain medication.. i'm injecting it for him.. i can't stop it... he gets angry if i don't.. i'm stuck.. i'm guilty, worried... mentally at a stand still... i'm loosing... his doctor dropped him.. i'm sick of his lies.. i love him... i don't know what to do... wait? get him help, leave? i've taken care of him for 5 years now and i love him to death, but this is killing us... i don't know what i expect from any of you either. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and never come back. he threatens to kill himself... how healthy of a relationship is this..."

[GeoffsFriend]

First, good luck Christa, that sounds like a difficult situation, to say the least...

On the topic of "saying the wrong thing", sometimes I struggle with this when Geoff (my quad friend) is depressed. I'm a pretty positive person, but there are times when being cheery is just annoying and inappropriate, isn't that true!
When Geoff gets depressed, I usually just stay quiet and listen, but after he speaks I do feel a need to say something, which is usually something about life being extremely unfair, etc.
However, just saying these things feels so negative to me, and I feel like I might be bringing him down even more!.
Because really, I can't emphasize with him on the same level, I have no idea what it's like to be paralyzed for 40 years. So when I say, "life is so unfair." it makes me feel like although we're good friends, he might be thinking, "What the heck do you know!!!"...
With those situations, it's "darned if you do, darned if you don't", but I guess at least I'm being genuine...
Any suggestions on something to say when he gets really down?

[Spinner]

GeoffsFriend, on Mar 13 2010, 03:06 PM, said:

First, good luck Christa, that sounds like a difficult situation, to say the least...

On the topic of "saying the wrong thing", sometimes I struggle with this when Geoff (my quad friend) is depressed. I'm a pretty positive person, but there are times when being cheery is just annoying and inappropriate, isn't that true!
When Geoff gets depressed, I usually just stay quiet and listen, but after he speaks I do feel a need to say something, which is usually something about life being extremely unfair, etc.
However, just saying these things feels so negative to me, and I feel like I might be bringing him down even more!.
Because really, I can't emphasize with him on the same level, I have no idea what it's like to be paralyzed for 40 years. So when I say, "life is so unfair." it makes me feel like although we're good friends, he might be thinking, "What the heck do you know!!!"...
With those situations, it's "darned if you do, darned if you don't", but I guess at least I'm being genuine...
Any suggestions on something to say when he gets really down?

I tend to be ridiculously positive too. Over time, and through making a lot of mistakes, I finally figured out that when my man is really down just to be close and keep my mouth shut. He doesn't want my sympathy. He doesn't want me to commiserate with him. He doesn't want any of that. He just want me to be quietly in his orbit and when (if) he is ready to talk he will talk.

[airart1]

sure u can stop injecting him, thats so weak, just put the stuff up where he cant reach it and quit shooting him up,............

[T8caregiver]

qbounce, on Jan 12 2010, 04:50 PM, said:

It's alright . . . . You'll be walking in no time!-jk

Be yourself. Treat him as you always have. And if that doesn't work, give him either money or sex. Either of which works for me.

This is a great one! I made an executive decision and tore up a "get-well" card that was signed,

"So when ya gonna git yur lazy ass outta that bed and walk on down here to the bar?"

I know, not my decision, but I made it anyway!

T8C

[Edinburgh Colin]

getting back to the original post,
as an incomplete with probably 80% sensation - being asked can you feel any more always used to piss me off.
Also lying in hospital and being asked every few days, any more movement yet? was another one that would produce a barked answer of no not really!

[jscott92064]

I hate when I see my husband move his legs --small movements, but he's got his mind-connection going on and the doctor who hasn't seen the movement says it's probably just a reflex.

Also, the young "know-it-all" physical therapist that tells me even if he walks again, it won't be normal and in 20 years he could ruin his shoulders, blah, blah, blah so it's best to realize you will always need a wheelchair.

To which I say "Honey, it's only been a few months since his surgery. Initially he could not move his stomach - now he can. Let's focus on making today a good one and to hell with later down the road --atleast for now....."

Oh, and let's not forget the CNA who took it upon herself to give my husband some religious material which said God was punishing him and that's why he's paralyzed.

That's my venting for today.