[kidoe]

When I met my fiance, almost two years ago, i was 8 months into a rather unfriendly separation/divorce with two young kids in tow. Things progressed fairly quickly with us. He is everything I could have wished for (and did). We finish each others sentences. He makes me feel beautiful and appreciated. He makes me laugh. We can be out and about or just hang doing nothing much and it's fun. We can talk about everything, including all of how i feel-I have kept nothing from him. Here are the issues..
I'm finding, more and more lately, that i'm really struggling to deal with old crap from my first marriage. I knew i should have given myself more time, and so did everyone else, but i thought i could handle it. I have so much to work on and work through. We are also struggling with discipline issues with the kids. And I'm having a really hard time sharing the parenting/discipline roll. My fiance gets so upset at how the kids 'treat' me sometimes that i feel like the buffer and peacekeeper between them. I'm exhausted from dealing with my son's anger issues, feeling guilty about undermining my fiances authority and trying to keep the balance.

From the beginning i knew there would be challenges related to his (20 year old) injury. I'm a nurse so thought i had a pretty good grasp of the basics. And this site was a huge, welcome ocean of information. I was convinced that I was going into this with my eyes wide open. He lives in a different city and has a caregiver for the am/pm assistance that he needs. Most weekends and holidays he's here and i do the care. He is generally well but, over the last few months, has struggled with increasing pain and other UTI related problems. When he is well things are great. When he's having problems I've really been struggling with how to deal. I'm having trouble balancing that and work and the kids. I worry about the future and how fair it is to the kids, especially because they are still young. They need to be my priority. We have discussed building a house and him relocating. He would have to commute and that would mean really early mornings which would pose a problem in getting a caregiver.

The last few months i've not been coping well. I cry at the drop of a hat, my stomach hurts alll the time,I get frusterated easily with my kids, can't sleep. I worry i will grow to resent the work and responsibiliy and the worry. I feel like I really need to get my head on straight. I am overwhelmed and so confused!! And feeling like a terrible person. I love him so much and don't want to lose him but sometimes i think that love can't be all it's about. Then i think that i need to suck it up and find a way to make it work;that if i love him so much, i should be willing to do whatever i have to do. He says he understands and will back away if i asked him to then in the next breath asks me not to leave him. I can't talk to friends or family about it much because they all pretty much questioned what what i was getting myself into. I feel like what i'm saying to him is like someone telling me 'i love you but i can't stay with you because your eyes are blue'. I know there's no comparison and i don't mean for it to sound...like it must sound. I'm just at a loss.

I guess i'm posting her looking for comments, suggestions, a smack upside the head...whatever. In any case, thanks for letting me spew.

[qbounce]

Sounds like you're dealing with panic attacks. Your right. You need a break and an evaluation on yourself and your kids before you plunge completely into the deep end.

My advice:

Step back a little from your current relationship. That doesn't mean to completely END things. Just focus your sights a little closer to home for awhile, and continue seeing your new bo maybe on alternating weekends or something, until you can get YOUR thoughts and needs organized.

Panic attacks are a serious matter. Don't waite to get yourself evaluated. Confusion, depression, mood swings, can be helped with antidepressants. I'm not one to solve all relatable problems with drugs. But, sometimes they help take the edge off when nothing else seems to keep you focused. Look into some form of counseling at least, and see where that leads.

Don't write off your love for the guy, just divert your attention to yourself for the time being.

[kidoe]

qbounce, on Jan 13 2010, 12:10 PM, said:

Sounds like you're dealing with panic attacks. Your right. You need a break and an evaluation on yourself and your kids before you plunge completely into the deep end.

My advice:

Step back a little from your current relationship. That doesn't mean to completely END things. Just focus your sights a little closer to home for awhile, and continue seeing your new bo maybe on alternating weekends or something, until you can get YOUR thoughts and needs organized.

Panic attacks are a serious matter. Don't waite to get yourself evaluated. Confusion, depression, mood swings, can be helped with antidepressants. I'm not one to solve all relatable problems with drugs. But, sometimes they help take the edge off when nothing else seems to keep you focused. Look into some form of counseling at least, and see where that leads.

Don't write off your love for the guy, just divert your attention to yourself for the time being.

Thanks qbounce:) Had my first councelling session yesterday. Have been on antidepressants before and hoped to handle things without but i could use a little focus...we'll see.

[Tetracyclone]

wHEN YOU SAID "in the next breath he begs me not to leave him" the steel trap shut. You BOTH need more time apart!!!! Your fears are vibrating and stimulating each other.

[gordonr]

kidoe, on Jan 13 2010, 04:56 PM, said:

I'm exhausted from dealing with my son's anger issues, feeling guilty about undermining my fiances authority and trying to keep the balance.

kids... They need to be my priority. We have discussed building a house and him relocating. He would have to commute and that would mean really early mornings which would pose a problem in getting a caregiver.

Kidoe,

First of all, the kids...

Single moms are all about their kids. I don't think any mother (ok, there are allways exceptions:) will ever really turn over paternal authority to a second husband, and the older the kids are the less she will even pretend to do so. Therefore, the second husband, if he is sensible will just forget about the paternal role, and just go with the flow, offering a postitive grandpa or friendly uncle type presence. In your case,m this is even more true, because your BF is only with you on the weekends. How, could any guy (looking at things from the kids perspective, remember Hamlet here) a guy that is a stranger to the family, illegitimately filling their mom's bed, and only on the weekend, possibly be accepted as an authority figure? It just is not going to happen. For the time being, the most he can hope for in my estimation is simple civil tolerance of his presence, and even that is asking a lot.

Of course that will be hard for him, but there is one very important thing you also should bear in mind: You cannot have it both ways. You cannot put your kids first and maintain a priority unit with them and ever expect your BF to protect you from them. That is, you can never expect him to act as the father and straighten out the kids when he has never been allowed, and quite frankly in biological terms is probably quite unable to play that role.

However, that out of the way, if you want to get past dating to real relationship, you are going to have to live in the same place. And that is why I wonder how you think it should be HE who should relocate and commute? Where is the logic in that? How hard would it be for him to commute? How hard would it be for you? Which one of you has the mobility problem. Which one has the excessively onerous morning routines?

It looks to me, like you are trying to figure out how and whether you can fit this guy into your already established life. But if you really want him, you should be thinking of starting a new life.

None of this is easy, and his health issues will be significant factors. However, none of the kid-authority-your-place-or-mine stuff has anything to do with SCI. These are common themes to any single mom toying wiht the idea of a new partner. Having a guy as a diversion and a escape beyond the bounds of the home limits, is an entirely different thing from integrating him into those limits. And especially, many females have trouble understanding that this is not merely about fitting someone into their world, but about knocking down the familiar walls and starting anew.

Hope you see your way clear.

Best Regards,

Gordon

[edlee]

One small question,,, 2 years and eight months,,,, are you divorced yet?

OOPS,, make that two,,,, if not why not???

Okay,, that's it.
ed

[kidoe]

edlee, on Jan 13 2010, 04:10 PM, said:

One small question,,, 2 years and eight months,,,, are you divorced yet?

OOPS,, make that two,,,, if not why not???

Okay,, that's it.
ed

Yes I'm divorced. It was final just over a year ago. And the ex is remarried.

[kidoe]

gordonr, on Jan 13 2010, 02:03 PM, said:

However, that out of the way, if you want to get past dating to real relationship, you are going to have to live in the same place. And that is why I wonder how you think it should be HE who should relocate and commute? Where is the logic in that? How hard would it be for him to commute? How hard would it be for you? Which one of you has the mobility problem. Which one has the excessively onerous morning routines?

It looks to me, like you are trying to figure out how and whether you can fit this guy into your already established life. But if you really want him, you should be thinking of starting a new life.

None of this is easy, and his health issues will be significant factors. However, none of the kid-authority-your-place-or-mine stuff has anything to do with SCI. These are common themes to any single mom toying wiht the idea of a new partner. Having a guy as a diversion and a escape beyond the bounds of the home limits, is an entirely different thing from integrating him into those limits. And especially, many females have trouble understanding that this is not merely about fitting someone into their world, but about knocking down the familiar walls and starting anew.

Hope you see your way clear.

Best Regards,

Gordon

My established life...that is a good chunk of it all in a nutshell Gordon. Thank you. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that i had no intention of relocating. My mom is here and she helps a great deal with the kids. I have a great job, the kids dad is here. Both kids are in school. And i do not wish to raise them in the city. If it were just me, i might consider that an option. I have MANY concerns about my fiance moving away from a major centre, the commute being the least of them. He figures it is workable. At one point his place was up for sale and a house plan was in the works. As it happened, the former fell through and the latter has stalled. As far as the more onerous routine...that one is a toss-up. Getting two munsters up and ready for school can be an adventure;)

[Bob C]

With things so muddled, I think you ought to consider getting some professional help from a good counselor. Trying to go it alone is not working and you need the support of someone who can be objective and help you sort things out.