Hi Aisling,
I thought I would post from the "males" point of view. I am also a father of two middle aged kids.
You already know what a difficulty it is to deal with this kind of issue. All of us "heal" in different ways. My experience has been that the younger guys are hit hard in the early times of the disability. Later if they get over it, then they get going and are very active. Older guys like myself are a little better out of the gates, but often hit the wall 2 or even 3 years int othe injury. Being older we have a bit more maturity and deal with the issue of being disabled by addressing the problems of healing, finances, job, home. Issues often external to the injury.
Younger lads like your mate often focus on the injury and what it has done to them. With less maturity, they are often in the "Why has this happened to me. I can't do all the things I use to, etc." Of course we all go through similar issues but from myself and a load of similarly injured persons I have seen this general trait.
There is little anyone can do to figure out how well the person will adjust to their new life. A lot depends on the persons internal drive for life and the supports the person has. A few others here have already stated that you need to look after yourself. The first couple of years will be hell on you too. If he is to heal, then you have to heal too. You are his biggest support and it's important that you look after yourself. If you go down, he goes down. Really take the time to get enough rest. Take a holiday with yourself...to family whatever. There is always the tendancy for the ladies to want to love the partner to death and they work themselves into the ground. You may feel you have to look after him to the degree where you don't look after yourself. When that happens, you burn out and eventually start to hate your life, him and everything.
You must seriously start to look at your own healing. This happened to him, but as a couple, it happened to you too. It's not all about him. Make a day a week, a time when you leave him behind and have a day to yourself..shopping, visiting friends, exercise, whatever. Make it a full day if possible. Don't forget to periodially get away for a couple fo days to recharge your batteries.
If you go down, he goes down. If you really love him, then you need to think of the whole picture, not just him.
Wit hregards to him. I really feel sad for him. As a father, I cannot think how bad it woudl be for the kids not to want to sit with him, talkto him, kiss and hug him. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Oh, we are big tough blokes outside, but inside there is a real tender spot fathers have for their kids.
When I got injured, my daughter was young enough that she really did'nt seem to miss me for the couple of years I was in hospital and in group homes before I had a new home and moved into it with the family. Like him, I tackled with the emotions of having a daughter that did'nt really know what to do with me, or who I was.
Eventually things changed. As my daughter got older and as I had moved home, she did more an more with me. It's not a thing that can be rushed. Some effort from your perspective has to be there to have the kids kiss and hug your partner goodnight. Like any habits in our life, it takes a while to develop.
In time, your partner will learn ways to respond, even if it is simple eye motions. Also, with time, there is some hope that your partner will heal and a few things may come back.
For now you have to be like a family and include him as an important part of that family. Give him some reason to fight his way back. As a father he also has a responsibility to work to make things happen. It's pretty easy early on to give itall up and dispair.
Good luck and come back to the forums. You need it, and you can also read what we post to him, or show him the posts and help him read.
We are here for both of you.
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