22 replies to this topic

[Apparelyzed]

Should a Quadriplegic Mom Have Custody?

Kaney O’Neill and David Trais will be in a Chicago courtroom this week, arguing over their five-month-old son, Aiden. Trais says that O’Neill is unfit to have custody of the boy because she is a quadriplegic, having lost all use of her legs and some use of her arms in a fall off a balcony a decade ago.

Shortly after Aiden was born this summer, The Chicago Tribune carried a long and detailed article about the support system that surrounded O’Neill — she lives with her mother, has a full-time aide and a trained service dog — as well as the preparations she’d made to welcome the child. Reporter Heidi Stevens wrote:

To prepare for the baby’s birth, she started seeing Kristi Kirschner, a physiatrist at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago. Kirschner set Kaney up with weekly visits to physical therapist Despina Kotsapouikis and occupational therapist Anne Armstrong. Their goal: to strengthen Kaney physically and prepare her to care for a baby with only limited use of her arms and no use of her legs.

“Initially we were more in the figure-it-out stage,” said Armstrong. “What are Kaney’s abilities, what equipment will work well with those abilities. We did a lot of simulation with a doll and a lot of mocked-up equipment. Often parents have very different goals in terms of what they want to do with the baby and what goals are realistic.”

Armstrong, who began her occupational therapy career in 1986, has worked with other quadriplegic moms-to-be, as well as quadriplegic and paraplegic dads and grandparents. She has seen double amputees, parents with cerebral palsy and a host of other disabilities.

“We didn’t see as many parents with disabilities even a decade ago,” Armstrong said. “But the taboo is definitely fading. I see a lot of self-advocacy on the part of these patients. They know how to ask for help and use the resources.”

As the pregnancy progressed, Armstrong worked closely with Randy Orians, an assistive technology technician, and engineer Steve Austin to develop adaptive baby gear: cloth diapers with loops on the front and sides for Kaney’s semi-mobile thumbs; a crib on stilts so Kaney’s wheelchair can fit underneath; slings and pillows that allow Kaney to hold, carry and breast-feed the baby from her wheelchair.

As Stevens’s article notes, O’Neill is hardly the first quadriplegic mother seeking to raise a baby. Similarly, Trais is not the first to challenge the competence of a quadriplegic parent in court. In a similar case in California in 1979, the State Supreme Court granted a paralyzed father custody of his two sons, despite a lower court’s ruling that the man could not play ball or go fishing with the boys.

In that ruling the justices wrote, “The essence of parenting is not to be found in the harried rounds of daily carpooling endemic to modern suburban life or even in the doggedly dutiful acts of togetherness committed every weekend by well-meaning fathers and mothers across America. Rather, its essence lies in the ethical, emotional and intellectual guidance the parent gives the child throughout his formative years, and often beyond.”

The objective in any custody case is to determine “the best interests of the child,” but as anyone who has ever entered a divorce court knows, that can be a most subjective measure. As the California court said, the goal is “ethical, emotional and intellectual guidance,” but there are mundane practical concerns on the path to those lofty ends.

Does “best interests” mean physical safety? Financial security? Psychological comfort? Not long ago “best interests” usually meant that custody was awarded to mom. Recently, working mothers have been losing custody fights to stay-at-home fathers who are more familiar with their children’s daily rhythms and more present in their lives. In fact, that is essentially Trais’ argument — that O’Neill’s reliance on others to care for Aiden means she is not really being his mother. Does that mean any parent who hires others to help with their children is also unfit?

I had a chance to discuss the O’Neill case this morning on The Takeaway, where the host, journalist John Hockenberry, is paralyzed from the mid-chest down, the result of a car accident when he was 19. “As a disabled father of five I’m scared that a court would even consider a disability as an issue,” he said. The other guest on the segment was Dr. Corinne Vinopol, president of the Institute for Disability Research and Training, who points out that disabled individuals run the spectrum of good to bad parents, just as able-bodied individuals do.

You can listen to the segment here. Do you think Kaney O’Neill’s condition keeps her from being a good mother to her son? If you were the judge, how would you rule?

Source: http://parenting.blo...m-have-custody/

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Disabled mom fighting to keep her son

Can a quadriplegic woman be a good parent? Her ex-boyfriend filed a custody suit that says no.

Kaney O’Neill knows she has limits as a mother.

The 31-year-old Des Plaines woman cannot walk, move her fingers independently or feel anything from the chest down. A decade ago, O’Neill was a Navy airman apprentice when she was knocked from a balcony during Hurricane Floyd, leaving her a quadriplegic.

When she discovered she was pregnant last December, she felt fear and joy, a journey the Tribune chronicled in August. She quickly embraced the opportunity to raise a child, feeling she had the money and family support to make up for her paralysis.

David Trais, her ex-boyfriend and the 49-year-old father of their now 5-month-old son, disagreed that she was up to the challenge.

In September, Trais sued O’Neill for full custody, charging that his former girlfriend is “not a fit and proper person” to care for their son, Aidan James O’Neill.

In court documents, Trais said O’Neill’s disability “greatly limits her ability to care for the minor, or even wake up if the minor is distressed.”

O’Neill counters that she always has another able-bodied adult on hand for Aidan – be it her full-time caretaker, live-in brother or her mother. Even before she gave birth to Aidan, O’Neill said, she never went more than a few hours by herself.

The custody case, expected back before Cook County Judge Patricia Logue next month, raises profound questions about what rights disabled parents have to care for their own children.

Ella Callow, the director of legal programs for the National Center for Parents with Disabilities and their Families, said disabled parents are incorrectly “perceived as unable to perform to standard.”

“No judge wants to be the judge who sends a child home when the child gets hurt,” said Callow, of the Berkeley, Calif.-based advocacy group.

Callow said the bias against disabled parents is such that judges tend to grant custody to an able-bodied partner “even if they have a history that might usually be a heavy mark against them – not having been in the child’s life, a history of violence, etc.”

Trais declined to comment to the Tribune when reached by phone. His attorney did not return repeated calls for comment.

But Howard LeVine, a Tinley Park attorney not affiliated with the case, said Trais’ concerns are legitimate and may hold legal weight.

“Certainly, I sympathize with the mom, but assuming both parties are equal (in other respects), isn’t the child obviously better off with the father?”

LeVine, who has specialized in divorce and custody cases for the last 40 years, pointed out that O’Neill would likely not be able to teach her son to write, paint or play ball. “What’s the effect on the child – feeling sorry for the mother and becoming the parent?”

On a recent morning, O’Neill’s caretaker, Sasha Davidiuk, propped Aidan on a pillow in O’Neill’s lap and O’Neill held her son. She has full use of her biceps muscles.

When his bottle fell from his mouth, or tipped the wrong way, Davidiuk stepped in to reposition it.

The two worked in tandem, with Davidiuk heading up duties that require manual dexterity – like changing diapers – and O’Neill focused more on emotional engagement. When Aidan burst into tears, for example, O’Neill was the one to sooth him with a soft rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

In addition to Davidiuk, O’Neill’s brother, an ex-Marine, lives in an apartment attached to her home. O’Neill’s mother helps on weekends and the family keeps Pele, a yellow lab service dog, who can open doors, turn on lights and pick up stuffed animals.

Her immaculate, one-story home is filled with photos of Aidan. Her son’s room, painted sherbet green and decorated with cheerful zoo animals, has a specially modified changing table and crib that allows for O’Neill’s wheelchair.

In an overflowing folder marked “Mommy vs. Daddy,” O’Neill keeps a copy of legal filings, tax records and proof of her income, including statements that reflect she receives $91,000 a year in veteran’s benefits that pay for her care. She also owns a general contracting company targeting federal government contracts earmarked for businesses owned by disabled veterans. O’Neill said the company, a 2-year-old startup, has not yet generated a profit.

How the Cook County case will play out is impossible to predict, say legal experts, who point out that O’Neill’s disability, in and of itself, cannot be the determining factor.

“You cannot categorically discriminate against people because of their disabilities,” said Bruce Boyer, director of the Civitas ChildLaw Clinic at Loyola University Chicago School of Law, referring to one of the central tenets of the Americans with Disabilities Act. “You can consider the ways in which someone’s circumstances might interfere with a person’s ability to have the child’s needs met.”

Helene Shapo, a professor at Northwestern University’s School of Law, said such custody fights often come down to a judge determining “the best interests of the child – a very nebulous standard that the courts use.”

Shapo pointed to a 1979 landmark case in which the California Supreme Court reversed lower court rulings against a paralyzed father who had been fighting to retain custody of his two children. In its opinion, the court found that the “essence of parenting is not to be found in the harried rounds of daily carpooling” but rather “in the ethical, emotional and intellectual guidance the parent gives the child throughout his formative years.”

As is common in child custody battles, the plaintiff did not limit his legal complaint to one concern.

Trais, a self-employed Chicago attorney, also charged in legal documents that O’Neill suffers from depression and that she smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol in front of the infant.

O’Neill said she sees a therapist once a week and has been treated for anxiety, depression and sleep apnea. She denied Trais’ claim she smokes or drinks – though both are legal practices.

“Who is lighting my cigarettes and pouring my drinks?” she quipped.

Despite the acrimonious nature of their current relationship, O’Neill said she is committed to keeping Trais in their son’s life. She said she was devastated when she learned Trais had deemed her “unfit” in court papers and said she believes it was motivated by her decision to break up with him shortly after Aidan’s birth.

Trais currently has visitation rights from 4 to 7:30 p.m. Mondays and Wednesdays, and overnight on Fridays, according to O’Neill.

To be sure, O’Neill is not the first mother to parent from a wheelchair.

Marca Bristo, president of Access Living, a Chicago community center providing advocacy and direct service for people with disabilities, was 23 when she suffered a spinal injury in a 1977 diving accident that left her paralyzed. She gave birth and raised two children when she was in her 30s.

“I won’t kid you, it’s harder to be a mom with a disability,” Bristo said. She said both she and her kids learned to adapt. As her children got older, and starting to walk, verbal cues became increasingly important.

“You develop different voices” for warning children, since physical intervention isn’t an option, she said. “My kids knew that ‘danger voice.’ They would stop in their trails when they heard that voice.

“My kids did fine.”

Source: http://archives.chic...ustody-20-dec20

[Meadowlarkmark]

I cannot believe this is actually a question--of course she have custody, She's the mom.

[McTavish]

This is a total disgrace, if she has the help she needs to care for her son there should be no question of her not having him. Although she is a quad she can still teach him lots, life is not all about having arms and legs that work.

[dangerousdave]

I cannot believe this is actually a question--of course she have custody, She's the mom.

Just because she is the childs mother does not give her a right to bring up the child

Nor is this a case I would like to judge - good luck to him

This case is about the child and where will be best for such

I personaly know a mother who mentaly abused her son and turned her daughter into a house slave
Yes she was disabled

Good luck Judge - Your gonna need it by the bucket load

[gordonr]

Meadowlarkmark, on Jan 21 2010, 03:55 PM, said:

I cannot believe this is actually a question--of course she have custody, She's the mom.

Whoa!

That's a little old-fashioned, don't you think?

What about dads?

There are all kinds of cases where the father will make a more fit parent than the mother.

Disability SHOULD have nothing to do with it. (assuming the woman is taking the measures required to overcome her handicap), but that does not mean that the father should automatically be discarded.

(Ever notice how traditional prejudice has no place in current debate...right up until that prejudice favors the case of some female?)

In any case, if I were this father, I would have resolutely ignored the handicap, refusing even to be provoked or tricked into discussing the matter, and made a simple direct human rights dad plea for access to my child.

And may the best parent win!

Because the way things are now, this guy is simply begging to get trod upon with a reverse discrimination judgement.

Best Regards,

Gordon

[qbounce]

Judging from all the steps she's taken to help her care for the baby on her own . . . . . not including the help she'll be getting from her carer and mother . . . . . I'm going out on a limb to say she has MORE than a fighting chance in getting custody. Even if it's shared, that's usually in the childs best interest.

[Travelling Blackbird]

"Trais says that O’Neill is unfit to have custody of the boy because she is a quadriplegic"

Right there, that's what I object to. People are unfit to be parents if they're unrepentant alcoholics or drug addicts, if they're abusive, if they never wanted kids in the first place, if they just want a kid so that he or she will grow up to look after them, if they can't understand what being a parent means.

But if they're ready to love the kid, and make sacrifices and adjustments to raise the kid, and want to do their best for the kid, then they deserve custody. From what I've read here, this child will be looked after, and there will be people there to help. Ms O'Neill should be allowed to keep her child.

[airart1]

my ex took me to court for the same thing, and i'm a para and was running 3 business' and married.......she actually went as far an appealed it 3 times and the judge laughed her out of court all three times...............i could see if there was abuse or neglect, but come on, just because your a quad, i know alot of quads that take care of themselves better than able bodies.....

Edited by airart1, 22 January 2010 - 03:19 PM.

[dangerousdave]

i know alot of quads that take of themselves better than able bodies

And I'm one of em
Cause I have to accomidate them all the time - not the other way round
Think about it a minute

Do they have to look for special entrances, do they have to get special cars, do they have to look for ages to find a place to live
I can go on and on...

So I repeat...yes I am better then a able bodie
The thing is......they know it

[Aspire]

The issue here is that they are questioning her ability to be a mother based on her disability; the fact that they are linking poor parenthood to disability is outrageous.

It is disappointing that these archaic views are still so prominent in society. Let's hope that the judge sees past the disability and judges her on her ability to be a mother.

[edlee]

How about we divide up this argument a little???

Let's separate out those who think it's a mother' RIGHT to raise her children,, and not the father's RIGHT.
In other words,, those who think that "all things being equal",, the mother should get the child.

Personally,, I don't agree,, but that's just me.

Once we clear that hurdle, the question that remains, for those of us who see equal status,, does a physical handicap tip the scales,,, even a little.
Here,, while I can see some validity in this,,, I personally do not agree.

Finally we come to what I think is the REAL crux of this debate,,, which of the two parents will be the BEST of the two at caring for the child. ( of course,, that opens the question of exactly what constitutes Best care)

If this woman does drink and smoke in front of the child,,, AND,, refuses to admit it,, ( which, from the article, it appears possible),,,, or if the fathers is lying about her behavior,,, in court,,,
This might be a better indicator of future actions.

If they are both financially able,, why not a week each??? Or a month??
ed

[greybeard]

edlee, on Jan 22 2010, 08:07 PM, said:

If they are both financially able,, why not a week each??? Or a month??
ed

I don't have any strong feelings about the rest of your post, but I think that shuttling the kid between parents, whether weekly or monthly is a terrible idea.

Kids need continuity. Nothing wrong with visits - even extended visits - but they need to know where "home" is.

[edlee]

Kids are pretty resilient,, and , perhaps,, better suited to exactly this kind of envirenment. I have friends who spent more of their waking hours during their formative years, at a sitter's house, in two cases, and at day care in another's. Maybe there was some deep seated problem that will soon manifest itself,,, but since we are all post 60 and they haven't done so yet,,, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I've also an aquaintance, who has his daughter two weeks a month,,, been doing it that way since about a year befor I was injured,, she hasn't killed anyone or gotten preggers yet, so I guess they are doing all right by her.

Children are quite adaptive,,, as long as they KNOW they are loved,, they will be fine.
ed

[Tetracyclone]

Young children need to be with their mom's to breast feed and to have that first reference point until they feel a little confidence in their understanding of the world. Lots of cultures have shifted responsibility for the boys to a male relative about age 6 or 7. In Europe until 300 yrs ago (more or less) we were shuffled into an apprenticeship at 12 or 13 so we wouldn't have all that family baggage in the way of learning about being an adult.

If this father were emotionally responsible, I think he would work hard to spend time with his son and to emotionally support the mother. I personally feel that a man who did not marry the mother deserves a bit less consideration from the court. But no one asked me, did they?

[Hapahowlee]

I don't necessarily believe in automatically giving primary custody of a child to the mother. Although in this case it seems the woman went through much preparation to be the primary caretaker of the child.

There are so many other factors to consider for both sides, but I don't think the mother’s disability should be much of an issue when deciding whether or not she should have the child most of the time.

There are different types of custody and so often new orders are drawn up to accommodate the needs and sometimes wants of the child, as they grow older.

I suppose I'm somewhat biased when it comes to child custody issues. When Mr. Hapa got divorced (1987), he was only given temporary custody due to his disability. Then when the ex got remarried, she moved the kids 250 miles away. She immediately put herself in contempt b/c she was defying the original court order regarding visitation. Mr. Hapa was briefly told, not asked or consulted about the move a couple of weeks before they left.

Mr. Hapa finally got fed up with only seeing his children not even ¼ of the time originally declared. So he filed for an order of contempt. It had been almost 2 years since the ex moved, so the judge's only choice was to modify the visitation order to give hubby the same amount of time as in the original divorce decree. The time was spread out and most of it was to be made up during the summer months.

By this time a family court had been formed in the county in which we lived and the biased female judge did a horrible job in creating a schedule that made it easy for the ex to violate . . . and it was 99.9% of the time. Also by this time, the kids were in their teenage years and of course they wanted to spend more time with their friends. The kids were supposed to spend 6 weeks with us in the summer, but there was no way they wanted to do it and of course their mother was fine with letting them do what they wanted when it came to visitation.

Sorry, guess it's still a sore subject with me, but only b/c it has caused so many problems and placed a wedge in the relationship between father and children. For anyone going through custody issues, lookup “Parental Alienation” and you’ll see what many (mostly fathers) are forced to endure.

I believe joint custody, whether physical or not is the way to go. In the above referenced case, both parents should work towards raising their child in the most stable, loving environment possible. This may even require a court order for the parents to meet with a mediator to be sure the child is not affected by any ill feelings the parents may have for each other. Too many children have become the target of grudges held by disgruntled parents. Equal or close to equal time should be given to both parents especially early on and consistency is key in following custody/visitation or any other rules. Kids learn to manipulate especially when they are raised in an unstable environment where one parent constantly disrespects the other and the child(ren) learn the same behavior.

Also regarding this case, I feel the judge should take into consideration which parent will be available for the child more often. If the mother is a stay at home mom and the father works, it might make more sense for the mother to have primary physical custody. As I had written earlier in this post there are many other factors to consider when deciding child custody.

[qbounce]

greybeard, on Jan 22 2010, 02:05 PM, said:

Kids need continuity. Nothing wrong with visits - even extended visits - but they need to know where "home" is.

What's wrong with having BOTH parents in a childs life after a divorce. It happens to be common practice here. Many grow up to be lawyers, doctors, politicians . . . . oops. I don't think I'm helping my case here. hehe

Anyway, I was one of those biproducts. Doh . . . . there I go again!

But seriously, they need love more than anything. And knowing that both parents are there is extremely important. Having two beds, two birthdays, and two Christmases, is just a bonus.

The bottom line is, if both parents are equally willing to help raise their children by providing ALL the essentials, why deny either of them that right? Why should there HAVE to be a choice? The answer is, there doesn't.

Edited by qbounce, 23 January 2010 - 11:24 AM.

[paralegz76]

That is stupid just because she is a quad it doesnt mean she cant care for the child and anyway SHE went through the pain and suffering

[dangerousdave]

That is stupid just because she is a quad it doesnt mean she cant care for the child

That is stupid just because she is a quad it doesnt mean she can care for the child

[rue2you]

This is hitting me hard.

1. I am a para who has 6 beautiful children and became paralyzed while pregnant with #6. I would not let them do anything to me that would put my baby growing inside of me at risk (trying to figure out what happened to me). Although I would love to walk, a mother's love could not look at my hurt baby the rest of my life thinking that I had allowed them to accidentally hurt him while trying to help me. So, no. We waited till after he was born.

2. I just sat in the courtroom, surrounded by my hubby and children, to support my sister in the adoption finalization of her little baby boy. The judge asked my sister and her husband, in his questioning of them to finalize the adoption, if they either one had a sickness or disability that would prevent them from being good parents to their baby boy. I sat there thinking, "What if it was her sitting in this chair instead of me? Would they give her the baby?" It really upset me. Now, maybe he would have I don't know. But the whole line of questioning made me uneasy and I wondered how that could not be discrimination?

3. It makes me nervous. Would the state come in and say I am unfit? They better not. I feel the momma bear rousing up in me somethin' fierce!!

4. Children need love and security WAY more than they need mom's and dad's who can walk.

5. I don't know who the better parent is or not. That is a completely different thing. What I do know, is that a disability should not even be in the equation. It sounds like an excuse to try to get your own way in the courtroom.

Vent over.

[Hotwheelz]

rue2you, on Apr 2 2010, 08:55 PM, said:

This is hitting me hard.

1. I am a para who has 6 beautiful children and became paralyzed while pregnant with #6. I would not let them do anything to me that would put my baby growing inside of me at risk (trying to figure out what happened to me). Although I would love to walk, a mother's love could not look at my hurt baby the rest of my life thinking that I had allowed them to accidentally hurt him while trying to help me. So, no. We waited till after he was born.

2. I just sat in the courtroom, surrounded by my hubby and children, to support my sister in the adoption finalization of her little baby boy. The judge asked my sister and her husband, in his questioning of them to finalize the adoption, if they either one had a sickness or disability that would prevent them from being good parents to their baby boy. I sat there thinking, "What if it was her sitting in this chair instead of me? Would they give her the baby?" It really upset me. Now, maybe he would have I don't know. But the whole line of questioning made me uneasy and I wondered how that could not be discrimination?

3. It makes me nervous. Would the state come in and say I am unfit? They better not. I feel the momma bear rousing up in me somethin' fierce!!

4. Children need love and security WAY more than they need mom's and dad's who can walk.

5. I don't know who the better parent is or not. That is a completely different thing. What I do know, is that a disability should not even be in the equation. It sounds like an excuse to try to get your own way in the courtroom.

Vent over.

this probably has no relevance, but I don't think I became fit enough to be a parent until I became a quadriplegic!
of course she should retain custody that is no reason to disqualify somebody from being a good parent. My ex is a very lousy parent along with her new husband who is very wealthy every single person in that household is in therapy!

[Linda m. v.]

My ex also fought me for custody of my daughter after I was injured in a motercycle accident.My costody case was the first in N.Y. state of a parent trying to take custody away from a mom due to a dissability.I won. He apealed. I won again. i HAD TO PROVE THAT I was still able to be a good mom.My doctors and physical therapist, and friends and family testified on for me. I showed them that parenting differantly is not bad.A parent should be judged by their parenting abilities and not their dissability.

[Brooke]

I've been following this story, and Yes, she should get custody. The dad just wants custody because of the divorce, not actually because the woman has any problem being a great mom. The mom has worked hard to prepare things.

In addition, she has a full time assistant who is always there and helps a lot, so the baby is completely taken care of. So many other paralyzed moms do it. The only difference here is that her ex-husband is a jerk.

I'm a high para, and I'm currently trying to get pregnant with #3. I've put a lot of planning into this one, since it'll be my first child after my disability, but it's all planned out, and I know I can do it!

[FloatHighDragonfly]

Wow, I am the mother of 2 girls. Peyton Lily is just over 2years old and Ashtyn Reign is 7months old. I am a stay at home mother. Granted I am an incomplete paraplegic, I am still wheelchair bound and I am here with the girls all day alone, while their father is working. I have family and friends that live by if I need anything, but its just me and the kids here all day until their daddy gets home which is anywhere between 5-7pm.

What bothers me is they're discriminating on her disability. They haven't said she's mentally unfit to be a mother, she's just physically handicapped. However she lives with 2 able bodied family members. The child's grandmother and uncle. Along with an aid that visits and helps as well!

Unless a parent is neglectful, cruel, and/or mentally unstable I think children are best suited to see their parents equally after a split. I was a child of divorce and so was my fiance. Neither one of us wish it upon anyone, but fighting over a kid is only going to leave scars. Luckily this child is quite young to remember all of this, however its still stressful and unhealthy. If all else fails why not do a trial period a week here and week there and see if there is anything that needs to be fix or managed or tweaked!?