15 replies to this topic

[Myssa]

I had 3 pretty good girlfriends before Brady's accident but since then they don't call or come around. We use to go get our hair and nails done and have what we called our Wine Wednesday's but it's like they forgot who I am. I know I'm busy a lot but they don't even call. Brady's friends stuck by us threw everything, they come by all the time but my girls are gone. If I would have had to guess before I would have expected my girls to stick by me and the guys to be gone but they showed me. Have any of you had this issue?

[ericr]

all of my friends stuck around actually they all have been great even friends I hardly talked to, many visited the hospital weekly. however since i been out only my closest friends call and come around the ones i used to only see on the weekends or out they dont really call. but then again i never really talked to them consistently. they email me though on facebook and talk on there. I think everyone is just so busy these days along with feeling weird unless you call them u may not hear from them often. Especially girls.

[LeahC]

I found out who my friends were when I went into hospital and since I left hopsital they don't really bother. I made new friends since then and got back in touch with an old school friend.

[Saneaj]

Most of our friends pre-sci left. They couldn't 'deal' with our new life post injury. And it really didn't take them that long to go, either. Our closest friends are the new ones that we have made after his injury. And we have found them to be true friends. Friends who can actually handle what we deal with on a day to day basis. We just had lunch with a bunch of them today and it was a blast! They all 'see' him as just one of the guys. Most of our 'new' friends are from our church. So that helps, too.

Our old friends... we never get together anymore. They treat us as if he is contagious and me as if an alien. Our new friends love getting together and doing things. Before my hubby became bedridden, the guys would get together and do things and such... and sometimes we would just hang out with the staff up at our church. They treat us as if we were just normal every day people. But... they do tend to get a little protective of us. Which is sweet.

It's truly amazing to me that our friends pre-sci can't see us the way that our new friends post sci see us. It's been a very long time since he's been injured.. but you still remember how you were 'dropped'. People constantly amaze me with this thing called human behavior...lol

[Quad65]

My pre-SCI friends came to visit at first and once or twice after I got out of rehab. Then, nothing. I think part of it was I had moved a couple years prior to the accident, but we were still hanging out regularly. Part of it was circumstances. I was injured in '65 and the Viet Nma War was really heating up after that and many of my buddies were getting drafted or going to college.

[lijobi]

I found it surprising who stuck and who hasn't. I still move in the same circle of friends but, as time goes on we get fewer visits at home for my Bill.
When (if) Bill is ready for a social circle - we may still have one.

I work fulltime and our college age son moved home to do for his dad during the day. He switched to a community college and evening courses. Bill's older son comes Tuesdays to help with dinner. His Mom and Dad take Thursdays. Those are my league nights. I don't always feel like it but I think Bill would feel responsible if he thinks I don't go because of him. So I go. I have fun. I keep us in everyone's line of sight.

Right after the accident (4/25/09) our friends pitched in and renovated our little house to be a better habitat for a quad. The kitchen is still AB but the bathroom is very assessible and it and the bedroom are roomy. Untill his coccyx flap is healed we have him in the livingroom.

We look forward to starting sit protocol. The poor schmuck hasn't even been fitted for a wheelchair.

[Inger]

Several of these posts make me feel really sad. What a way to find out who your friends really are... Russ was fortunate in this regard, I guess. He was injured at the end of his first year of university, but still lived near his hometown. From what he has said, he had tremendous support (cards, regular visits, friends volunteering to help his family) from just about everyone in his high school class after his injury. He's still in touch with most of them, and saw many of them at his 20 year reunion two summers ago. In fact, the only classmate with whom he lost touch was the one who was driving the car in which he and his friends crashed. Russ suspects that this particular loss had more to do with guilt or fear than anything else (no one else was seriously injured in the accident).

[Courtney]

my girls were and are great, my husbands friends however, I'd like to give a good swift kick in the ass. Two of them were in town recently fro 3 or 4 days and said that they would come by, but never showed and only called one night. I don't know if I can go with him to see them again, because I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. Unless your girlfriends are complete asses, I'd try to give them a call to get together and do something. At our age everyone still has their own life and are more than likely just a busy as you. They probably think that you are busy as well with everything that has happened, and may be giving you all time to adjust still........ so give them a call and plan something, and tell them that you need them ---because you do

PS, having an SCI husband is alot like being pregnant when it comes to girls, you don't get as many invites out, because they know you have to be home at a certain time or can't go too far away in the beginning......you sometimes have to call them and say "hey, I'm still alive and I need a night out!!!"

[Tetracyclone]

I keep meaning to post here, so here it is.

There are never that many close friends in life, but I have more than my share and all have been wonderful. Two offered to fly to Taiwan to be with me in the hospital. I accepted one friends offer, but felt more would distract me from my therapy.

People I barely knew, or did not know, who worked with my husband, took time to visit me regularly in the hospital. Two of the other wives were of such a character that we became permanent friends BECAUSE of my injury. Literally hundreds of people prayed for my recovery as word was spread. I have no doubt at all that those prayers, plus much Reiki (absent healing) that was freely offered by my old professional network, are responsible for some of my progress, and particularly for my endless good cheer and faith that I know makes healing more effective.

It has been an amazing experience that has changed me to having much more faith in people than before.

Depression and discouragement inhibit healing badly, and whatever I experienced of it rolled out of my eyes-like-sprinklers and were forgotten.

Honestly, before this happened I was a cynic. No more.

[Myssa]

Courtney, on Jan 30 2010, 06:55 PM, said:

my girls were and are great, my husbands friends however, I'd like to give a good swift kick in the ass. Two of them were in town recently fro 3 or 4 days and said that they would come by, but never showed and only called one night. I don't know if I can go with him to see them again, because I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my mouth shut. Unless your girlfriends are complete asses, I'd try to give them a call to get together and do something. At our age everyone still has their own life and are more than likely just a busy as you. They probably think that you are busy as well with everything that has happened, and may be giving you all time to adjust still........ so give them a call and plan something, and tell them that you need them ---because you do

PS, having an SCI husband is alot like being pregnant when it comes to girls, you don't get as many invites out, because they know you have to be home at a certain time or can't go too far away in the beginning......you sometimes have to call them and say "hey, I'm still alive and I need a night out!!!"

I did call them last night and we went out for a drink but it's just not the same. We just don't seem to click the same. Brady and I have been talking what we think we need is to meet new frineds who are married with kids, all out friends are single and childless.

[McTavish]

Two of my friends that I used to meet seperately for coffee, before my sci ,just dropped out of my life. It does make you see which friends are true friends when put to the test. Although because of my sci I have made lots of new friends which more than compensate for the lost ones.

[mcferguson]

Sorry to hear your friends dropped out. Neither my wife nor I have lost any friends post SCI. Almost all of ours were from our church and we've actually got more friends after than we had before.

[feather]

When my son was in the hospital only his friends came to visit once he got home he best friend just could not handle it and he has nothing to do with my son any more. The worst part is his old friend talks bad about my son saying if he was not such a pussy he would be out doing things getting a job and so on like any normal guy. He has no idea what my son has had to deal with as far as pain and all the issuse involed.

My son still has one real good friend who comes over all the time and in fact today they are going out to a movie for the 1st time since his assicdent!!! I am happy and nervous and feel like it is my little boy going out for the first time. No way did I let him know that.

As far as my husband and our friends, well we have found out who in our family is really a friend. My brother who I was always very close to never even called until 7 days after the accident and did not see my son until 7 months later. I was crushed and the fact that so many did not come around I think made a huge difference on how my son feels about moving forward. It has been 3 years 4 on May 29 and I think if he had had more support he would have been happier, maybe not but we will never know.

One thing I have learned over the years is that your friends do keep changing. Yes I do still have some of the same friends but we don't see each other as much but then it would have happened any way.

I have found that every 10 years we seem to rotate our friends that we spend the most time with. So really all in all can't take it too personaly. I needed my space for the past 3 years too and really I did not care to worry about talking other about everyday things or what their problems were. just seemed boring and winey to me.

I like keeping my time close and only doing things I really want to not like before where we would go some where just because if we did not it would hurt some social rule or then owe someone a night out or a party at my house.

No I am ok with everything but the guy who is bad mouthing my son because he just can not bring himself to see my son not be the big strong guy taking care of him anymore. It hurts my son at times and he misses his old buddy but as I tell him, you have out grown that guy by miles and it was time to move ahead anyway.

Feather

[Courtney]

The single and childless can be a pain, because unfortunately they still have the "all about me mentality". I was one of the first of my "girls" to get married and have kids. However, I am one of the lucky ones, we may not talk all the time or see each other as often, but all I ever had to do was pick up the phone....keep in touch with your girlfriends. It may take some time to readjust. But also reach out and make some new ones. Again, I highly recommend going to see a quad rugby game or go see a practice. Duke has made some new friends that understand what he is going through and have great advice and any girlfriend or spouse that you meet there is bound to need someone to relate to as well.

[Hannah0212]

Hi, I've been registered on here for ages but never really posted much before,

Most of my hubbys friends have disappeared a couple of them used to go visit at the hospital and call round for a while afterwards but that kind of tailed off, i don't think they mean to do it they just find it hard to see him now, his best friend now is person that was in the bed next to him in the hospital who has been there with us through it all.

My friends have all been great they have always thought my hubbys great (Its like hes got his own fan club) and aren't in the slightest bit bothered when he starts going into great detail about his bowel movements (for some reason thats his favorite topic of conversation ) and just treat him like you would any other bloke.

[Pushkin]

Some stayed, some left. Those who left, well, we didn't need them anyway! You do find out who is a 'real' person, and I do worry for those people that ran a mile - they may be caught in a similar situation one day when they need their friends and support, and who will be there? I think some people are just scared.