23 replies to this topic

[redryder49]

Ive been reading the post's and it seams that most people that post about relationship's on here are the male who is injured, and the female who is the partner. Im wondering if any of the male partner's do the aid/care work.

Edited by redryder49, 31 January 2010 - 01:06 AM.

[Tetracyclone]

I am the injured one and my Sweet Meat better half does care giving whenever needed. No longer much personal care, but right after the injury he was changing diapers and doing what was needed.

I asked him why he never posts here and he said "I don't have anything to say."

His forum time is devoted to track forum. Maybe simplistic, but I think its a guy thing.

[Bob C]

redryder49, on Jan 30 2010, 06:51 PM, said:

Ive been reading the post's and it seams that most people that post about relationship's on here are the male who is injured, and the female who is the partner. Im wondering if any of the male partner's do the aid/care work.

I am aware of a few but they are married couples and the wife's injury occurred after they were married. Sadly, many, if not most guys, including married ones, run away from dealing with these issues.

[redryder49]

Thanks for the responses, She was injured 15 years ago and we have only been together for months now.

[ADP-10-08-63]

It only those that truly love there partners is sickness and in health that stand by there side for the whole journey when other's would run away.

[Izziwhizzi]

Hi

There are def some guys looking after quad wives, and yes amazing as it seems to society, even some of them met and dated their girlfriends after injury.

But it is more unusual. Firstly, as a species, their are less quad females than males, then theres the much debated nurture/mothering aspect attributed to women looking after their 'injured' partners.

As said many guys though, do give up on their marriages after injury of a wife, more often if they require care. Some stay in the marital home, especially if theres a large compensation to be had, but the marriage is dead and caring not undertaken. Many leave, a few remain and help make a new life. I do know of one female quad whose husband stayed after the accident and undertook her care, and it was simply because he adored her.

Then the caring role of a male is not as widely accepted in society, and as such if you are a caring male, society can often perceive you as a bit of an oddball, you are not out there 'hunter gathering'.

But heck, we are all a little off the norm here thank goodness, and if it works for you, it works for you.

My AB fella has been with me 25+ years and has done my care for 90% of that time, as well as bring up 2 kids and work for himself. It is challenging but it is very rewarding.

Good luck,

I

[mellowgator]

Bob C, on Jan 31 2010, 05:03 PM, said:

redryder49, on Jan 30 2010, 06:51 PM, said:

Ive been reading the post's and it seams that most people that post about relationship's on here are the male who is injured, and the female who is the partner. Im wondering if any of the male partner's do the aid/care work.

I am aware of a few but they are married couples and the wife's injury occurred after they were married. Sadly, many, if not most guys, including married ones, run away from dealing with these issues.

i am female and was injured when i was 25 just 2 weeks after my wedding. in rehab the wonderful psycologists told my husband to go ahead and leave while i was still in rehab and not to wait until i got home. boy did that piss my huband off he told the woman "don't you ever talk to me again," he didn't leave. he stayed by my side and took care of me 24/7. we went on to having 2 beautiful daughters and a truely happy life after all.

[allis53ca]

i should've married your hubby..while i was still in icu, they told my wife the same thing...but she followed their advice

[redryder49]

Thats crazy that they would suggest it to a spouse. I kinda know the situation though. My ex left me because i wasn't able to work very much due to my bad back.

[edlee]

There seems to be some animosity, here, for those spouses who left. Personally, I think it was for the best,,, and better sooner than later.

There are a lot of people who are simply psychologically unable to take on that kind of responsibility. It's not any more of character flaw than is smoking. If one person in a relationship is unhappy with it,,, ending it is better for both parties.

ed

[mellowgator]

i would not of blamed my husband for leaving. he is most definately one in a million.

[allis53ca]

im not pissed at my ex for leaving..i know id not be as far as i am, and i know she couldn't have cared for me and remained my "wife"....but the way she left is a whole other story not for this thread

[Tetracyclone]

I had a clear choice in ICU to live or to die. If my mate had no been there willing me to live I would not have bothered, so my view is that he took the job willingly.

Edited by Tetracyclone, 19 March 2010 - 04:31 PM.

[bross001]

My wife of thirteen years has been a para for three years now. It has really been hard on us all, which includes my 12 year old son and my 10 year old daughter. I am not a frequent visitor here, but it sure is good to hear that I am not the only husband or male caregiver, not that I ever thought I was the only one.

[KylezBaby]

I was told quite a few horriffic things while my baby was in ICU. Like..

Well its good he already has a son because his sperm with be defective in 3 months and you'll most likely never be inpregnated by him..

or

telling my fiance the ratio of relationships that break up or get divorced due to SCI...basically warning him of my future leaving....what the heck??

Ok I understand docs not wanting to give "false hope" but come on...who the hell talks to someone in distress like that.



oh by the way I'm a new fiance and caregiver of a C5-6 incomplete...only three months in and this website has saved me from going under for sure

[Tetracyclone]

My best college friend dated a woman who came down with MS before they were very serious. She intrigued him, he is a natural nurturer, and he went on to marry her, they had a very defective son who was given no chance to live, and that all began 30 years ago. They have always treated each other well, leaned on each other through the medical crises, and are still an impressive couple with a fine son now 21.

You just have to examine your own nature. Everyone is different.

[GoldenYears]

edlee, on Mar 19 2010, 12:36 AM, said:

There seems to be some animosity, here, for those spouses who left. Personally, I think it was for the best,,, and better sooner than later.

There are a lot of people who are simply psychologically unable to take on that kind of responsibility. It's not any more of character flaw than is smoking. If one person in a relationship is unhappy with it,,, ending it is better for both parties.

ed

Ed, I tend to doubt that any psychologist or psychiatrist who would suggest that a spouse should leave while the patient is in ICU is anything but a quack. Around here we call those nutcases "psycho shrinks" or "dog trainers".

Neither are the reasons for the overwhelming feelings and fear that family members have, are as simple as what you stated.

In this family we don't throw people away. If a psycho shrink dares to suggest that we should toss a loved one, he/she might get a lesson in what a real family is, right along with a proper Texas tongue lashing he/she won't ever forget.

Finally, any family member who ducks and runs needs to grow up.

Golden, wife of C4 Quad

[Lucydog]

My husband was and is fantastic especially I was the uber bitch from hell to begin with, of course I have mellowed, accepted my situation and moved on. However I was quick with the temper, quick to criticise and quick with the most awful tongue lashings. Im surprised he stayed. Having said that he had a mental breakdown some years ago and I probably went to hell and back on his behalf. So we have taken it in turn to carry each other along when needed. It helps that he has an excellent sense of humour and does a wide range of impersonations of well known people past and present in particularat stressful times and without fail it lightens a situation. In fact I can hear Frankie Howerd in the living room right now. Ooo-er missus, no really.....

[mellowgator]

KylezBaby, on Jun 19 2010, 04:07 PM, said:

I was told quite a few horriffic things while my baby was in ICU. Like..

Well its good he already has a son because his sperm with be defective in 3 months and you'll most likely never be inpregnated by him..

or

telling my fiance the ratio of relationships that break up or get divorced due to SCI...basically warning him of my future leaving....what the heck??

Ok I understand docs not wanting to give "false hope" but come on...who the hell talks to someone in distress like that.



oh by the way I'm a new fiance and caregiver of a C5-6 incomplete...only three months in and this website has saved me from going under for sure

hi kylezbaby,

glad to see you posting. welcome to the site.

mellowgator

[Smileyblue]

I am fortunate that my man is still standing by me..
We were engaged (wedding date was set for 5 months after my accident) and he never once turned the other way.. Even though I most certainly gave him reason to.. I even tried to chase him away, thinking I would be doing him a favour if he didn't have to 'put up' with me in a chair.. Needless to say, he never faltered..
He's still around, still loving me, still caring for me, and we're still engaged and planning on setting a new wedding date for next year..
There are good men and women out there.. ;-)

[KylezBaby]

Smileyblue, on Jun 20 2010, 12:37 PM, said:

I am fortunate that my man is still standing by me..
We were engaged (wedding date was set for 5 months after my accident) and he never once turned the other way.. Even though I most certainly gave him reason to.. I even tried to chase him away, thinking I would be doing him a favour if he didn't have to 'put up' with me in a chair.. Needless to say, he never faltered..
He's still around, still loving me, still caring for me, and we're still engaged and planning on setting a new wedding date for next year..
There are good men and women out there.. ;-)

That's just wonderful to hear! I can't imagine leaving the love of my life over physical changes...I love HIM and just who he is. He is the exact same goober I feel in love with just a different package at the moment.

Oh and Smileyblue-Kyle has done the same thing with the whole trying to chase me away...thinking I deserved better and all this mess of junk he tried to come up with...and I just simply look at him and roll my eyes..and then I get the biggest smile from him with "God, you're amazing." and that's why I do it...he's more than worth it!

[Julian]

I met my girlfriend two years after she was injured, so I suppose I thought I knew what to expect. I have learned a lot in the past four years and can honestly say I don't regret a single second of our time together. She is the light of my life, my true soul-mate and I would do anything for her. We work together in our business and we both share responsibility for everything in our lives.

People (mainly my family) have often asked me if I know what I am taking on making a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone with a disability, but to be honest, it is her who should be asked that question about me lol!

[jscott92064]

Julian, on 05 October 2010 - 03:52 PM, said:

I met my girlfriend two years after she was injured, so I suppose I thought I knew what to expect. I have learned a lot in the past four years and can honestly say I don't regret a single second of our time together. She is the light of my life, my true soul-mate and I would do anything for her. We work together in our business and we both share responsibility for everything in our lives.

People (mainly my family) have often asked me if I know what I am taking on making a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone with a disability, but to be honest, it is her who should be asked that question about me lol!

Julian - you sound awesome!!!!