[blue eyes]

My bf still talks to his ex's parents and lately it's been getting to me. His ex was driving the car when they wrecked so they obviously have been through alot together and it's hard for me to put
myself in his position. It makes me feel like he's not letting go of his past relationship. I knew they were calling him and keeping in touch but I found out that's he's been reaching out too. It's aggravating bc in the beginning of our relationship his ex called him (and got all her friends to email him) and tried very hard to get back with him. I know he's not interested in ever getting back with her but I feel like as long as we are together this past relationship is going to be lingering around. How do I explain this to him? I feel like he's going to get aggravated with me bc I know they were there for him when times were tough but I can't help to feel this way.

[airart1]

sounds like jelousy, is that your problem? so what he talks to them, they are adults are they not...........he's not sleeping with ex is he? quit sweating the small stuff, jelousy is way to petty.............he loves you, you love him, isnt that good enough! i would beleive they feel like they have some sort of connection from the accident........and i doubt that u can take that away..........not trying to be ugly, just factual........

[SoliK]

Hello... I have a few questions..How long have you and your boyfriend been together? How long were they married before the divorce? Do they have kids? If they had a long marriage and especially if they have kids there is always going to be a connection there. You did say that he has no intention of getting back to her, so that in itself says a lot. I have a situation where the guy I'm seeing (we're not serious..taking it slow and building a friendship before we dive into anything serious) talks a lot to his ex-wife. Primarily because they share custody of their son. She has since remarried and has no intention of getting him back..but I did feel a little uncomfortable at first especially since his divorce caused him a lot of pain and heartbreak and in many ways he is not completely over that..(although it's been 12 years since the divorce). They have a history..and she was the first person he was serious with after his accident. The way I see it though is that if I start feeling threatened or jealous of his ex then I'm going to come across as insecure and unsure of his interest in me. It will annoy him and then he'll start doubting being with me in the first place.. (I know from past experience!) He has chosen to date me...and I'm just going to enjoy that. It would be different if he started spending every minute of his time with her..but he's not. He has to communicate because of their child. It sounds like your bf is into you... and wants to be with you..Unless he starts "disappearing" and spending time with her, then I would probably just see it as two friends who care about each other. My parents have been divorced for years but they still talk and get along well. I think that says a lot about a person. I'm still friendly with my ex, but it doesn't mean I'm going to leave my guy for him.. If it really bothers you then just calmly talk to him with your concern..but what ever you do, don't ever give him the "it's them or me ultimatum"..Good luck to you..

[blue eyes]

He wasn't married to her and no kids. They dated 4 years (about 8 months before accident). I would understand if they had that connection but they don't. She left him for another guy. I can say all day that he's with me and loves me but it still aggravates me. I know he would never leave me for her or cheat on me (he knows where his bread is buttered) but I want to make a life with him and I would like to leave our ex's in the past. We have been dating almost a year. Not very long but we live with eachother and I have a daughter he now calls his own. We are extremely close. I would never give him an ultimatum! I'm friendly with all my ex's, that's not the problem. It's that he's keeping that connection with them.

This post has been edited by blue eyes: 06 February 2010 - 03:36 AM

[Mrs.Quinn]

I know it sounds harsh but you shouldnt worry about it. My bf is the same, he keeps in touch with alot of his ex GF's and one of them still comes over every now and then to see him. It PISSES ME OFF but they way I see it its ok to be mad, or even uncomfortable but you can't choose who he chooses to have in his life and as long as you want to be a HUGE part of his its just acceptance you will have to subject to. It SUCKS I know trust me I want to grab her by the hair and stick her face in horse shit when I see her but I suck it up, ignore her, and remember he loves ME, only ME, and deal with it. Hope that helps!!!

[airart1]

so blue eyes "I'm friendly with all my ex's, that's not the problem. It's that he's keeping that connection with them"
but he can't, hum..............double standard don't u think.....................

[guido]

Hi Blue Eyes

Don't get caught up in the rights and wrongs of this, or whether it's jealousy or trying to engineer what you deem to be a perfect relationship, or the rights and wrongs. They don't matter and won't solve your problem.

You don't get to choose how your boyfriend is or how he thinks/feels. This isn't how life works. The truth is that you only have control over your own life and behaviour.

If you try to make him change something by telling him or asking him how to behave, it doesn't change how he thinks, just how he behaves. In effect, you will be training him not to tell you about stuff that upsets you, as it gets a bad reaction, so he will simply start to hide those things from you, which is completely wrong (but very common) in relationships.

At the moment you have a choice. You learn to accept him as he is, for his honesty, for all the baggage that comes with him in his life (in other words, the complete package), or you pack your own bags and accept that he is not the one for you.

Negotiation in a relationship lasts the lifetime of the relationship. If you choose to talk about it with him, you can explain how you feel, but also acknowledge to him that you understand that he is not actually doing anything wrong, so you know you have no right to feel aggrieved. Then you let it lie. The reason for your telling him is not to make him change, but to give him a greater understanding of you. It might be that on certain issues, with this increased understanding of you, he exercises greater sensitivity. But his life is his life, and when you are with him you get to share it, not dictate it. And that should be the pleasure (and yes, sometimes the frustration too).

If he is cheating on you, or eroding your self-confidence, or being mean / manipulative, then without another word of justification you should up sticks and get the hell out - but that is not what is happening here. Learn to have self-confidence in yourself. Give him space, love him, let your own shared experiences build up naturally, let him confide in you because he trusts you not to go off at the deep end, and little by little what he shares with her will become less and what he shares with you will become more.

We're all too quick and too conditional in relationships these days. Good things take a long time to create, but they're far more indestructible. Anyone can have a fast, full-on, sexual infatuation and confuse it with love.

Life affects us all in different ways, and generosity in emotions is what draws people back to us again and again and again, and makes a good relationship wonderful.

[ClaraTaylor]

If I came on here as a small female saying that my partner wanted me to give up my "past life" and stop talking to my friends because it annoyed him I'd be told that he was trying to manipulate me and to get the hell out of there because the next step would be to continue this control freak issue with perhaps not letting me out of the house, or only letting me see my family twice a year...
... but luckily I'm not and my partner realises that as much as he hates my friends who insist on dragging me to the beach to build huge phallic symbols (sorry Wells-Next-The-Sea), I have my OWN LIFE and as much as I love him and want to share my life with him he can't stop me talking to my friends.

So what if it bothers you they're his friends not yours, are you going to train him into doing everything so perfectly so that he doesn't upset you? Never shows his emotion in case they aren't what you want to see? Never leaves marks on the carpet and always buys you flowers on a Tuesday?

Why try and force a man into your mould of a perfect vision when you have a wonderful chap who loves you and wants to be with you? Just take a deep breath and go and talk to your own friends.

[greybeard]

blue eyes, on Feb 6 2010, 01:25 AM, said:

My bf still talks to his ex's parents and lately it's been getting to me.

You're not complaining about him seeing or talking to his former girlfriend, only her parents.

So he's communicating with a couple adults who became his friends over a four year period before you came on the scene. Why is that so annoying to you?

You ask how you should explain that his behaviour is aggravating to you. You should really think hard about what you are trying to achieve and the likely consequences of voicing these thoughts. You should perhaps consider whether you are the one who needs to sort your head out, rather than your boyfriend.

Despite what you write, it sounds as though you are very insecure in this relationship and can't bring yourself to trust him. Sorry, but that is no way to build a lasting bond.

[blue eyes]

I'm not trying to control my boyfriend or make him give up his life before me. The only thing that was making me uncomfortable is that it is his ex's family. When he does talk to his ex it's because of work related things bc she was his employee after they broke up. And it's extrememly rare when they do talk. See me and his ex go to school together and practically see eachother everyday so she always relays messages through me. I guess I was just beginning to feel like his past relationship was always going to be apart of this relationship. His ex always finds things to rub on my face. I talked to my boyfriend about how I was feeling, not to tell him who he can and cannot talk to. Yes we are all adults and I figured it was best to let him know how I've been feeling rather to hold it in and it eventually blow up. He explained things a little better so I could understand where he was coming from and I voiced my concerns and it was done. We are the types to talk about something and by the end of the conversation things are resolved, not worse. I think I should have explained better about what I needed. I didn't want advice on how to tell him I didn't want him to talk to them anymore, I just wanted advice on how to tell him how I felt without it coming across that way. Thanks for the advice! And I probably do need a self confidence boost!

[Tetracyclone]

Blue Eyes,

I respect how you handled things and worked to think things through. Our advice is rarely what people want to hear, and i expect that may be a good thing. I hope you can take people's best intentions for your welfare to heart even when the advice is a bit off the question you tried to raise.

[guido]

Good reply, Blue Eyes. And at worst, maybe others reading will have been able to apply this thread to their own lives. Sorry if we sounded harsh - relationships are an issue that get quite strong responses on this site, guess it just touches a lot of people. Somehow the paralysis and wheelchair issue cuts deep into the whole relationship thing, and I think people learn it all the hard way, often going through some very painful emotions.

It's good that we get the whole range of SCI people, friend, family & lovers on the site. We all learn from each other and benefit.

I'm glad you have the communication with your boyfriend. "How one communicates" is a harder thing to advise on because we're all different. I'd say: honestly and trying to leave emotion out of it.

Am glad you've sorted this one. As for self-confidence, it's just a trick to begin with. When you realise that everyone is dealing with similar issues you worry less.

[gordonr]

Dear Friends,

I see this a little differently.

Unless there are kids or a common business, or a big house divided down the middle, I don't think ex's have any good reason to hang around on a current basis. A Christmas card, OK. But that is about it. And only for a year or two (unless you are using an automated list).

This Ex left and then tried to come back. That is very threatenning behavior right there. In my book it pretty well exhausts any noble desire to avoid unfairly judging her motives.

Luckily, the come back did not work. And now the two girls are seeing each other more than the two ex's. That IS a good thing, because Blue Eyes can monitor the communication and even color it to a certain exent as go-between. Hence, the Ex has little chance to conive.

Enter the Parents of the Ex. (*Sinister Music*)

First, this is two people, not a unit. What I think you are REALLY dealing with, is, to put the thing crudely, your boyfriends Ex Mother-in-Law. Simple prudence should lead us to suspect that this woman could be more actively attached to the idea of putting the old couple back together, even than the Ex is/was. Otherwise, what in the hell is she doing? Intergenerational soul mate with your boyfriend? Maybe. But I would put that in the same category with leprecauns and unicorns.

No. You are not crazy. Yes, old ex's and their families can be a real territorial threat to your own life. Because of that you have an instinctive reactiion. But the problem is, you are unable to be all that honest about your reaction, because that is not the polite and sophisticated thing to do.

However, you HAVE spoken to your boyfriend, and he DOES (also insinctively) understand that he is best off staying away from the old people. Fortunately you don't have to explain that. Therefore you ARE getting some leverage on the situation.

Now, other posters are taking the ideal view that you and your boyfriend are two individuals who must respect each other the way that they are subject to perhaps, in some circumstances, breaking up the relationship for reason of incompatibility. But, in the real world, couples become survival units in which each partner is led to sacrifice some aspects of immediate freedom in order to secure the rest. You can and do manipulate your partner all the time. In THIS view, what matters is not the manipulation, it is the Sticking Point.

The Sticking Point, is that place where the boyfriend will feel that his freedom is being so severely limited that he will back out of the relationship. And now we must ask: Is the sacrifice of giving up his (frigging) Ex-Mother-In-Law (extreme negative emphasis here), such a hardship that he is going to leave you for it ( or as Guido suggests, start meeting with the old bag in SECRET). No. I think not.

In fact, I would bet that in HIS mind, talking to the old bitch on the phone is an act of politeness and mercy. Afterall, Poor Thing has to adjust to losing a cherished son, right?

No.

No. No. NO!

Just as you have jealousy instincts and your boyfriend has watch-out-for-the-dog-house instincts, your Ex Mother-in Law has Watch-out-for-my-stupid-c*nt-daughter's-Meal-Ticket reflexes.

Mother's-in Law are NOT benign creatures. At least their benignity is NOT directed at you. And all their syruppy smiles and defencelessness are Very Real Weapons which you will someday learn to wield yourself.

In any case, you have begun well. You have made yor displeasure known. If more active measures are reaquired, you must go right to the source. You must not punish your boyfriend for the evil of another. Nice-Nice-Bitch must now meet Nice-Nice-Bitch-and-a-Half. You could start phoning the woman yourself and meet her for coffee. That would DEFINITELY throw a spanner in the works. But your boyfriend might think you were going behind his back and screwing wih His Life. And pure stupid pride could cause him to champion the Evil Witch, and his own RIGHT inalienable to subject himself to her company, flattery and strategems.

Remember your natural strengths: NO normal man wants to hang out with a Mother-in-Law.

(whether past or present)

And that is a fact. He will do so only to the extent that politeness requires and allows his ego to be stroked concerning how generous he is being with himself and his attention and his superior charm (without grasping just how deliberately the bitch is injecting sand into the motor of his priesent happiness).

All right. ACCEPT that she must be givien access. But in traditional pure female manipulative style, you must take control of that access: Invite her for supper. Make her a familiar Friend-of-the-Family. But she must be talking to YOU on the phone. YOU are the one inviting HER. And she should never be alone with the boyfriend, because YOU will be the friend she is coming to see as much as HE. In fact MORE. You should make it your business to torture that bitch with meetings for coffee long after your boyfriend has made it known to you that he doesn't want to be there when you two hens are affectionately clucking and pecking. Afterall (he will argue) HE has no interest in that stupid female bonding.

Think how easy it is. Phone the bitch and ask her for HELP in understanding your boyfriend. The rest should follow as smooth as pie.

Of course this is distasteful. Only do it if you think you must. But don't hesitate. This is the way territorial females have behaved for the last million plus years. And it works.

Alternatively, if she has a family pet, you could nail it's skin to her door.

That would be clear. And it would be my preferred option. But that would also make you look (appearances are everything in female politics) a Bad Person. Whereaas, Hypocritical Friendship will work just as well (even better), and it makes you look like a Saint.

I'm not saying I have the situation correctly identified, but you (and other posters here) should at least CONSIDER that this is the most likely.

Hint: Have you ever HAD, or BEEN a Mother-in-Law?

Best Regards,

Gordon

[guido]

Haha.. Good Post, Gordon and a lot of salient points. I'm sensing you had a bad experience

When we're dealing with people, we can't really give a blanket piece of advice. Agree totally with what you say about the potential of mother-in-laws to be vile, manipulative pieces of (have seen it in action). Equally, there are decent humans that don't have an agenda or fall to the lowest common denominator.

Blue Eyes has to learn to trust her instinct. If the M-i-L and ex's family generally are up to no good then yes, I agree, it becomes one of those hateful games of poker - how much do you say, when and how. And I think it is worth showing teeth. Ultimately, only a fool would risk losing a good partner with whom he had long term intentions, over an ex. Though fools exist. If it is a slow passing over from one phase of his life (and some of the people within it) to another (with Blue Eyes and without less of the ex's family) then patience and prudence can go a long way.

No one right answer. This is where we need to learn to separate our instincts from our emotions so we can trust them better and act on them with confidence.

[gordonr]

guido, on Feb 7 2010, 08:50 PM, said:

Haha.. Good Post, Gordon and a lot of salient points. I'm sensing you had a bad experience .

I've had my share:)

Quote

When we're dealing with people, we can't really give a blanket piece of advice

That's it exactly. And we have to be aware of different cases.

What I love about the forum context is that we don't have to be fair, or cover all the bases.

We can expose one possibility, in the starkest and most colorful terms, because we know that somebody else will do the same for other alernatives. And in the end, the reader takes what he/she can from the mosaic.

In this sense, disagreement is not competition for the mantle of truth, but the means of providing an ever more complete survey of he possibilities.

BTW, I'm wondering whether you saw my account of the Travelling Toilet in Wheelsonfire's Traveling in Comfort thread

Best,

Gordon

[allis53ca]

"NO normal man wants to hang out with a Mother-in-Law.".....guess i'm abnormal....i hung out with my last mil all the time, she was fun as hell and had access to some killer bud..she used to come stay with the kids and i when wife worked out of town, i never minded .we even let her husband hang out with us sometimes .....my second mil was cool too, i got her a job w/my company and we even carpooled..mils ex or otherwise aint so bad...shit, i liked my first mil better than my first wife

This post has been edited by allis53ca: 08 February 2010 - 06:13 PM

[Inger]

Because we have a child together, I continue to communicate and interact regularly with my ex-husband's family -- and he could not STAND that for the first year or two following our divorce. I think that because I had left, he expected the relationship I had with his family members (particularly his mother) to end just as our marriage had ended. Didn't happen. As things are today, I spend a far greater amount of time talking to and actually in his mother's presence than he does -- and we all live within 20 minutes of each other. This has to do with the fact that he and his mother are both a couple of pills and it's easier for them if I act as go-between, passing their messages to each other back and forth and arranging the things Margo does with her Grandma.

It sounds, Blue Eyes, like you and your fella have worked things out, and that his relationship with his ex's family members has become easier for you to accept. If you both love and trust each other, then all should be right with the world no matter who either of you might spend your free time with. If his ex herself seems bent on doing or saying things that make you feel uncomfortable or defensive, you might just let that be her problem. Life is too short for you to invest your energy or worry on disagreeable people who can't keep themselves distracted with their own lives. Best wishes to you both and for your future together.

[blue eyes]

Well he explained to me that when Katrina hit (6 months post injury) he went to live with his ex and her family bc his dad's house was destroyed. He said for a while he considered them family. Him and his ex have been broken up for 2 years. Our talk made me realize that it's not a normal situation. They were there for him when times were tough. I can get that. Honestly it still makes me a little uncomfortable but it's an understandable situation. Nothing a self confidence boost can't solve!

[Inger]

Oh, my gosh. I can defintely see how being sheltered by them through a disaster like Katrina could form a fast friendship -- what a thing to have to go through. Glad to hear that you're feeling better about the situation (if still a bit uncomfortable). Here's a boost: *boost* -- hang in there -- it sounds like the way the two of you are able to communicate so honestly with each other ought to help keep your relationship strong. Good luck and take care.

[guido]

gordonr, on Feb 7 2010, 09:09 PM, said:

BTW, I'm wondering whether you saw my account of the Travelling Toilet in Wheelsonfire's Traveling in Comfort thread

No.. Not caught everything recently. Too much to do! PM me a link?

allis53ca, on Feb 8 2010, 06:11 PM, said:

shit, i liked my first mil better than my first wife

Therein lies a problem - though no longer, I guess, as you're not married to her!

blue eyes, on Feb 8 2010, 09:05 PM, said:

Well he explained to me that when Katrina hit (6 months post injury) he went to live with his ex and her family bc his dad's house was destroyed. He said for a while he considered them family. Him and his ex have been broken up for 2 years. Our talk made me realize that it's not a normal situation. They were there for him when times were tough. I can get that. Honestly it still makes me a little uncomfortable but it's an understandable situation. Nothing a self confidence boost can't solve!

Always good to keep an open mind and continue to question things. When we search for answers, we learn a lot about ourselves and the world around us. Knowledge and understanding will build up a very solid foundation of self-confidence. You see your man for who he is not how he is... you're already way ahead of the crowd.

[blue eyes]

Thank you! I always appreciate the advice everyone gives me, regardless if it's something I don't like to hear, because sometimes that's what I need to hear.

[jenny407]

Blue eyes, I can very well understand your feelings. Jealousy is a difficult emotion - burning and deep down. Obviously it will be best if you can feel more confident and let go more. This may come with time. But I think you have every right to admit feeling how you do - after all, it's human! Good luck for the future! Have a good time with your boyfriend.

[qbounce]

Blue Eyes,
I'm leaning more toward Gordons take on this one, to a degree, which justifies your reasons of insecurity.

That being said, the more you time you two share together will bring you both, and YOUR families closer. When this happens, the ex'es family will eventually evaporate.

All good things in due time. Until then, spend more time together with your parents and allow him to bond with the people in your life.

[blue eyes]

qbounce, on Feb 13 2010, 09:02 PM, said:

Blue Eyes,
I'm leaning more toward Gordons take on this one, to a degree, which justifies your reasons of insecurity.

That being said, the more you time you two share together will bring you both, and YOUR families closer. When this happens, the ex'es family will eventually evaporate.

All good things in due time. Until then, spend more time together with your parents and allow him to bond with the people in your life.

that's what I'm hoping will happen!We are about to hit our one year anniversary so let's see where we are in another year! We are actually sleeping at my moms tonight due to parades! I already love his family! His family lives really close to us whereas mine does not.