7 replies to this topic

[hope2010]

I have been searching unsuccessfully for a site such as this that can offer support for caregivers of para/quads. My husband of 18 years is a C5-6 incomplete quad due to car accident in July of 2007. We have 2 teenage boys and I work full time teaching. Reading the posts on this site is such a blessing. I can relate to everything I have read and the feelings that come with caregiving. My husband is a pianist/composer, but as a result of the accident has lost most of the use of his hands. He is able to feed himself and do a good portion of his grooming, but is not able to play the piano except for simple notes and melodies. Anyone who has or is enduring the life changes of sci can relate to the frustrations and heartbreak that come with it. After leaving the Craig Hospital in Denver, I was providing all of my husbands care including BP, tending children, working full time, and running his business. Needless to say after a year of this pace I was on the verge of insanity. We have since hired an aid for BP and other morning routines and a driver to get him to therapy most days of the week. None of which is covered by out insurance. All the outside help has made life easier, but I am struggling with overwhelming feelings of resentment, and the guilt that accompanies it. My husbands accident was caused by drunk driving. He was the only vehicle involved. He fell asleep around 1:30am while driving home and rolled his pickup. I can't help but think if this injury would have happend from him being hit BY a drunk driver that I would be better able to deal with the reality we are left with.

While we were in Denver I witnessed more than a few spouses serve divorce papers to their sci husbands. One patient took his own life after being told by his wife she was leaving. Very traumatic!! As time passes with this injury I am becoming aware of the fact that the strength of a marriage prior to sci is the determining factor in the success of the marriage after sci. I read post from others describing caregiving of their spouse to be a privledge. What a beautiful statement. I so wish I could say the same, and mean it. I won't burden everyone with every detail. But I'm looking for some kind of support from others dealing with the same feelings. I am doing my very best to keep my family in tact and live up to my wedding vows. I have always taken them VERY seriously. But I feel betrayed.

*I realize this post is filled with"I's" and that seems to be a undesirable thing,but my husband has therapist, nurses, drivers, and a fan base to support him. I'm just looking for help.

[Tetracyclone]

Dear Lady.

I am the injured one in my relationship, but if the shoe were on the other foot I fear I would feel as you do, and i know the reason. Female culture includes an overwhelming amount of blaming-the-male for not fitting our ideal fantasies. It starts 2 years after marriage and is the bedrock of endless years of bitching. This is our deep flaw, but instead I glorified it as a beautiful urge to excellence.

At some point long ago I decided to stay with him despite these horrible lapses into the imperfection of being just another human *!*. But as I admitted often to myself, my own flaws and lapses were every bit as glaring but it was just ever so much more comfortable to focus on HIS flaws and lapses. I expect you have shared similar thoughts.

Meditate daily on your own flaws. This is where you can legitimately seek the perfection of humility. If we accept our own flawed humanity we will find it easy to accept the errors of loved ones. Your husband's mistake was a small thing, but the consequences are grievous and lifelong. He is paying a terrible price, as are you, yet somehow he is willing to continue for the sake of loving his family. There is no other reason.

I believe the error within myself is a compelling need to blame. The error hurting me was never within the other, though, of course, they made mistakes. The other has even had the courage to be himself inspite of daily pressure from me to conform to my expectations. Perhaps life seeks to teach us something fundamental. Perhaps it is not our job to order the universe and judge everything in it, most grievously ourselves.

You see where I'm going here. My married life with 2 different men was dominated by my need to judge them deficient. The flaw was in me, not in them. The are both just guys, with strengths and flaws, as I have. It was only my accident (my fault? I was going too fast? BLAMEBLAMEBLAME), and my husband's uncomplaining devotion to me afterwards that let me see his virtues are the only thing worth focusing on.

Consider: this experience may be an opportunity from the universe to slowly emerge from your own most serious flaw. Consider accepting fully your own past decision to continue with this man, and leave off the little self-glorifying, self-sacrificing rants about "despite the fact that he doesn't do X, Y, and Z"

The rants still run through my head sometimes and I thing they make my soul smaller. They try to convince me I am a victim rather than the mistress of my Universe. I take each one as another cue to go inside and find my own power.

I chose to link my life with my husbands because he enriches it immensely simply with his presence. I love to feel him beside me in bed at night. I love this deep link to humanity, without which I would feel alone. He came with a lot of baggage, and I judged the alliance worthwhile, on balance. Yet the bitchy-blamey female rant in my head calls me to revisit this decision repeatedly. What kind of BS is that? It is a mind out of control, begging for discipline and perspective. Accepting these ugly flaws in myself seems to sooth the mind, and certainly reminds me that my husband is not the problem. He is who he has always been. He is flawed like me, and so we share another deep connection.

You may feel betrayed by your own expectations of some sort of blessed life, untouched by the human idiocies we are all subject to. Are you a USer? Americans are particularly vulnerable to a belief that we are entitled to a blessed life. In some other cultures a woman might react with " This shit or something worse was bound to happen some time. We were lucky for awhile."

Anyone in your shoes would need more personal support, just for you. hope you find some here.

Edited by Tetracyclone, 07 February 2010 - 06:10 PM.

[slyd]

Wow !

What a great perspective from both sides of the coin. Well done to both of you to talk so openly about what's what with your relationships, and how you handle them.

My wife is my sole(+ soul)-caregiver and guardian angel (going on 20 years)! If not for her, things in life would be so much more difficult and lonely!

Anyway, not gonna get mushy

Keep cool, and open !

[hope2010]

Tetracyclone, on Feb 7 2010, 05:26 PM, said:

Dear Lady.

I am the injured one in my relationship, but if the shoe were on the other foot I fear I would feel as you do, and i know the reason. Female culture includes an overwhelming amount of blaming-the-male for not fitting our ideal fantasies. It starts 2 years after marriage and is the bedrock of endless years of bitching. This is our deep flaw, but instead I glorified it as a beautiful urge to excellence.

At some point long ago I decided to stay with him despite these horrible lapses into the imperfection of being just another human *!*. But as I admitted often to myself, my own flaws and lapses were every bit as glaring but it was just ever so much more comfortable to focus on HIS flaws and lapses. I expect you have shared similar thoughts.

Meditate daily on your own flaws. This is where you can legitimately seek the perfection of humility. If we accept our own flawed humanity we will find it easy to accept the errors of loved ones. Your husband's mistake was a small thing, but the consequences are grievous and lifelong. He is paying a terrible price, as are you, yet somehow he is willing to continue for the sake of loving his family. There is no other reason.

I believe the error within myself is a compelling need to blame. The error hurting me was never within the other, though, of course, they made mistakes. The other has even had the courage to be himself inspite of daily pressure from me to conform to my expectations. Perhaps life seeks to teach us something fundamental. Perhaps it is not our job to order the universe and judge everything in it, most grievously ourselves.

You see where I'm going here. My married life with 2 different men was dominated by my need to judge them deficient. The flaw was in me, not in them. The are both just guys, with strengths and flaws, as I have. It was only my accident (my fault? I was going too fast? BLAMEBLAMEBLAME), and my husband's uncomplaining devotion to me afterwards that let me see his virtues are the only thing worth focusing on.

Consider: this experience may be an opportunity from the universe to slowly emerge from your own most serious flaw. Consider accepting fully your own past decision to continue with this man, and leave off the little self-glorifying, self-sacrificing rants about "despite the fact that he doesn't do X, Y, and Z"

The rants still run through my head sometimes and I thing they make my soul smaller. They try to convince me I am a victim rather than the mistress of my Universe. I take each one as another cue to go inside and find my own power.

I chose to link my life with my husbands because he enriches it immensely simply with his presence. I love to feel him beside me in bed at night. I love this deep link to humanity, without which I would feel alone. He came with a lot of baggage, and I judged the alliance worthwhile, on balance. Yet the bitchy-blamey female rant in my head calls me to revisit this decision repeatedly. What kind of BS is that? It is a mind out of control, begging for discipline and perspective. Accepting these ugly flaws in myself seems to sooth the mind, and certainly reminds me that my husband is not the problem. He is who he has always been. He is flawed like me, and so we share another deep connection.

You may feel betrayed by your own expectations of some sort of blessed life, untouched by the human idiocies we are all subject to. Are you a USer? Americans are particularly vulnerable to a belief that we are entitled to a blessed life. In some other cultures a woman might react with " This shit or something worse was bound to happen some time. We were lucky for awhile."

Anyone in your shoes would need more personal support, just for you. hope you find some here.

Thank You so much for your insight. Anything that brings me to such tears must be touching a reality deep within. Be Blessed as you have been a blessing.

[hope2010]

Thank You so much for your insight. Anything that brings me to such tears must be touching a reality deep within. Be Blessed as you have been a blessing.
[/quote]

[ThatCatIsFat]

Tetracyclone that was absolutely beautiful, insightful and full of human realism, and applies to marriages of ALL types, whether they include an SCI or not.

[qbounce]

Loved your view on things Tetra.

This SCI thing is more than daunting, and not cut out for the faint of heart, so ranting isn't only welcome, it's desired. What's the alternative? Kicking your husbands ass every morning under the covers before you go to work. . . . I mean, he can't feel it anyway!-haha

Welcome, hope!

[gordonr]

Tetracyclone, on Feb 7 2010, 04:26 PM, said:

Dear Lady.

I am the injured one in my relationship, but if the shoe were on the other foot I fear I would feel as you do, and i know the reason. Female culture includes an overwhelming amount of blaming-the-male for not fitting our ideal fantasies.

Pat,

That is a very candid and revealing look at the female psyche, for which I most thank you.

In return, I will share with you my most telling insight from the historical perspective.

The question is, WHY ? Why do females always behave the way you describe?

My explanation is History (or Herstory if you prefer).

Through most all of human experience, females had no choice about whom they were attached to, as concubines, slaves, wives, daughters.

As a result, it would be very natural to find fault with the man who has thrust himself upon her (in the very most intimate and literal sense). In fact, it would become natural to adopt an entirely selfish view of the world in which ANYTHING she could get for herself, would be her well earned due. And ANY ascendncy she could gain over the mind and life of her Master would be ethical, and ethical to use in whatever way she should choose.

Finally, no matter how humiliating her condition, the female could always comfort herself with the emotional pornographic masturbational theme of her own victimhood.

Obviously, after one million plus years of this behavior, certain hardwired habits and propensities might emerge.

And these patterns might be expected to arise in the modern female, regardless of the totally different circumstances in which she MAY (and many do not) have the good fortune to exist.

This I think, is the simplest explanation for how it is that females think it normal to sit around together bitching about, and ridiculing, their significant others. And perhaps more to the point, as you describe, spending much of their own private and personal interior life doing the same thing.

Suffice it to say that this behavior is not very positive in the larger sense, because to the extent that a woman succeeds in diminishing her mate, cutting him down to size as it were, she also diminishes her own survival unit. Therefore, she is cutting off her nose to spite her face. But you know that.

Where I think you might benefit, is from hesitating to begin from the premise that your personal psyche alone has produced these patterns. The enemy is within, as you know. But it is DEEP within.

Considering modern sexual politics generally, it is easy to define rights and legally curtail abuse. But it is not easy to correct deeply seated malignant behavior, particularly passive behavior, which poisons present experience.

Briefly, fermale behavior is an evolutionary response to natural conditions which we now consider unacceptable. If we change the social conditions, we lose any benefit of the evolutionary adaptaion while being still saddled with the negatives.

A no-win situation.

But this of course is the whole human challenge:

How to develope ourselves as conscious creatures, free from the more obvious restraints of our evolutionary heritage.

I feel for you. Every human couple must deal with these things and hopefully free themselves to the extent that they can. Few women are as lucid about it as you. Kudos.

Best,

Gordon

Edited by gordonr, 07 February 2010 - 08:38 PM.