9 replies to this topic

[jaybag]

Hi new here,
my family were invloved in a accident at the beginging of the year,my brother has been paralysed from the waist down and still in hopsital waiting to start rehab.He can't feel anything from the waist down.
He is so positive it is un real,he just wants to crack on with his rehab and get on with his life.
the question I am asking is that if he can be so positive,then why do I feel so s**t?

I am heartbroken for him,I am a positive person 90 % of the time and I know that he is so lucky to still be here,but I cant help feeling the way I do.Little things like my baby daughter never knowing her uncle without a wheelchair,him not being able to do his dancing again,(was a dancer an entertainer before the accident),just the little things in life that he will not be able to do again,I just feel so bad for him.
He will have a job when he gets out producing and is already talking about what car to get adapted,so as said he is really positive
Should I just "dust myself down" and get a grip or what? I really dont know what to do or how to feel...

[Tetracyclone]

jaybag,

You are grieving for the loss of your brother as he was. This is completely natural. Get some counseling, a listener, or go to church and talk to the statues.. whatever let's you feel comfortable to express your feelings as you did here. Grief needs time at loving attention. It runs its course.

Meanwhile you have to deal with your brother in his new form and, yes, for that you should suck it up and be positive.
He is not the right person to be your listener.

That said, it is fine for you, at some point when it feels right between you two, to tell him once that you grieve for his loss. I had one girlfriend who visited me for the first time about 2 months into my hospital experience. She walked into the room and said " Oh Pat, I'm so sorry this happened to you," and burst into tears. She laid her head on my chest and we both cried hard for awhile. I found her genuineness very touching, and she never took that tack again, just helped me when I needed it.

[wheeliebear75]

You wouldn't be the 1st to grieve the loss of "what could have been" for a loved one. And I 2nd the recommendation that you & anyone else who is close to your brother go get counseling to help. Your brother may have just gotten to the acceptance stage really quickly (some do) or he could get hit with a ton of reality once he gets out & home.......hard to say but what isn't hard to figure our is that the better off everyone mentally is around him the better you'll all be able to help him through it & the stronger his safety net will be.

My Mom, Aunt & little sister ALL got counseling to help deal with MY accident......it wasn't JUST ME that suffered; my Aunt was feeling overwhelming guilt cuz she was the one who picked where to go for her birthday dinner (how my accident happened), my sister was only 6 so she just didn't quite know how to deal with going from the typical baby of the family to deal with rehab & my recovery, & Mom had TONS of stress.

Yes things are different now BUT my niece's face would always light up when ever she saw somebody in a wheelchair because she figured EVERYBODY in a manual wheelchair was "A-NIE" (Auntie) & was going to give her a ride on their lap. And although it is different we can still dance in wheelchairs. ;) Actually there are even competitions for both wheelchair dance troupes & couples where 1 partner is AB & 1 is w/c.

[Karl187]

wheeliebear75, on Feb 19 2010, 04:11 AM, said:

You wouldn't be the 1st to grieve the loss of "what could have been" for a loved one. And I 2nd the recommendation that you & anyone else who is close to your brother go get counseling to help. Your brother may have just gotten to the acceptance stage really quickly (some do) or he could get hit with a ton of reality once he gets out & home.......hard to say but what isn't hard to figure our is that the better off everyone mentally is around him the better you'll all be able to help him through it & the stronger his safety net will be.

My Mom, Aunt & little sister ALL got counseling to help deal with MY accident......it wasn't JUST ME that suffered; my Aunt was feeling overwhelming guilt cuz she was the one who picked where to go for her birthday dinner (how my accident happened), my sister was only 6 so she just didn't quite know how to deal with going from the typical baby of the family to deal with rehab & my recovery, & Mom had TONS of stress.

Yes things are different now BUT my niece's face would always light up when ever she saw somebody in a wheelchair because she figured EVERYBODY in a manual wheelchair was "A-NIE" (Auntie) & was going to give her a ride on their lap. And although it is different we can still dance in wheelchairs. ;) Actually there are even competitions for both wheelchair dance troupes & couples where 1 partner is AB & 1 is w/c.

I totally agree with everything the above two said. All I can add is that you make sure, no matter how you feel, that you are there for your brother, no matter what. Help him with his rehab and everything else and it will help you come to terms with things as you go.

Edited by Karl187, 19 February 2010 - 12:22 PM.

[Bob C]

I have have known many people with spinal cord injuries and there is a great variation in the amount of time it takes to accept the change and move on with their life. I know of one who had a paraplegic for a friend before his injury and then when he became injured, he had been fully prepared to deal with it. On the other hand, I know of some who are stll depressed and grieving years after their injury.

As others have said, you need someone to talk to so you can work through your feelings. Realistically, we do not know what the future holds for us. Support our brother in attaining the goals he wishes to pursue and you will be a great sibling.

[McTavish]

Hi Jaybag, glad that your brother is so posistive and I hope that continues. I know from my own experience that at the start I was up and down like a yo-yo, so be prepared for that to happen. It may not, and I hope it doesn't but just in case be there for him. He is very lucky to have you.

[LuckyinKentucky]

Grief is a normal part of loss. Just because $#!+ hittin the fan doesnt turn one into a grump doesnt mean the loss isn't recognized. Everyone deals/grieves in there own way.

[qbounce]

Welcome jaybag,
Sometimes we feel the need to suck it up and be strong for our loved ones, when the truth is that inside (or when we're alone) we're crying oceans of tears. Believe me, he's either grieving also, or it hasn't hit him yet, but it will.

No matter what, your being on this site shows how much your brother means to you! Your feelings are justified, so don't worry about how you feel or whether or not you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Just treat him the way you always have, because he's still the same old brother.

[jaybag]

qbounce, on Feb 20 2010, 01:38 AM, said:

Welcome jaybag,
Sometimes we feel the need to suck it up and be strong for our loved ones, when the truth is that inside (or when we're alone) we're crying oceans of tears. Believe me, he's either grieving also, or it hasn't hit him yet, but it will.

No matter what, your being on this site shows how much your brother means to you! Your feelings are justified, so don't worry about how you feel or whether or not you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Just treat him the way you always have, because he's still the same old brother.

Thank you everyone for the posts,it has made me feel a lot better,since I posted first I have been to see him again and now I am feeling beter,he is so positive it is unreal.
And as far as the treating him the same,there isnt any other way I would be with him,as said above,he is the same as he always has been,just one difference,he cant walk.Hasnt stopped him from being my brother,but the inappropriate jokes on his part have got worse,but thats the way we deal with things,have a laugh.
thank you again for replying and I am sure I will be posting again with more questions

[Tetracyclone]

There is only one good audience for really stupid jokes, and that is a brother.