9 replies to this topic

[SoliK]

Hello,
This might sound like a really odd question, but I really want to know what people think of this.. Sorry in advance if it sounds ignorant or weird but I've been having trouble this.. So here it:
Is it appropriate to tell someone with SCI that you've been dating for a long time.."Oh..I can live with your paralysis...I can live with the wheelchair...it's no big deal..." especially moments after he asks you to marry him? (No..I'm not the one who said this..)
The reason I ask is because I was talking to my friend's cousin this weekend-he was injured in a motorcycle accident in his early 20's and is paralyzed at T4- and he shared with me that this is what his ex fiancee told him after he proposed and said yes..(they met at work after his injury) Apparently he was so happy she said yes that he said something like..I can't believe this is happening.. I can't believe I'm engaged..to which she responded the quote above.. They moved in together and four months later she bailed out him...telling him she didn't know what she was getting herself into...Engagement off... They had dated two years prior to the engagement.
So this guy told me that she lied to him.. that she told him she could "live with his paralysis" and in the end couldn't.. and now he has given up on love and vows never to be in another relationship again.. Similar reaction to my guy who is not over his painful divorce..
To me, the fiancee's comment just bothered me for some reason..maybe I'm reading too much into it...of course I wasn't there..this is what he shared with me. I felt sad for this guy..He pinned all his hope of marriage on this woman and was distraught because she "lied" to him.
I understand the difficulties and challenges of SCI..but shouldn't that be something you should talk about as the relationship develops? To me it's saying there wasn't good communication in the relationship in the first place.. When I asked this guy if they had a good relationship prior to him asking the big question he said..yes...that she was so beautiful and had lots of fun together, took her to all these nice places..and couldn't believe that someone that lovely would want him.
I have told my man that I love him for him..that I know things won't always be easy but I'm willing to listen and learn and work things out together and live in the moment. I can not see myself ever saying to him.."Oh..your paralysis is no big deal..I can live with it.." Especially moments after he asked me to marry him (which right now...probably not going to happen anytime soon-taking it very slow..) To me it sounds like an empty promise..or like you're not seeing past the wheelchair.. Am I wrong? I don't know.. I just thought I'd put out there..like I said..it just hit me the wrong way when this guy told me his story..
Thanks..and sorry again if this question sounded odd..
SoliK

[ohio4282]

I think the "light-hearted" approach is a bad idea. As much as I would like to go around saying my fiancé's injury doesn't matter in the least, it does. For a lot of different reasons. While dating, it really was no big deal. There were stares and comments that bothered me early on, but those are easy to overcome, especially when you care more about who you are with than what other people think (as it should be).

The day he asked me to marry him is a wonderful memory. The "I can't believe my luck" feeling was and still is mutual. But, I would be a liar if I said there has not been a lot of stress in between. There is so much to think about. Insurance. He marries me, there is a potential he would lose what he has. My employer covers mine 100%, but spouses and kids are on the employee and sky high under the best of circumstances. Not to mention the income he gets from disability, which, as far as we understand, he would lose marrying me.

Housing is another major issue. He visits me, but it wouldn't work in the long term. My bathroom is so small that he has to cath into a container. There is no way way he could shower or do his BP here. His place is attached to a garage that a friend modified for him. It is basically a hallway just wide enough for his chair (lined with shelves, washer/drier, etc) that spreads out wide enough at the end for a full bed and to one side for a bathroom. There isn't room for me to store my clothes, let alone anything else. And since I am an AB, I'd like to be able to sit some where other than a bed. We are currently on 6 waiting lists for accessible apartments, with no real hope of getting into one soon. My lease is up next month and I feel like I have to resign, as we have yet to find a place that will work for both of us. So that is another year we'll have to make do.

I don't doubt that the woman who said it didn't matter believed it at the time, and I agree with you that there could have been a lack of communication between them. My fiance and I want to live together for a year before we get married and so far, that alone has been a huge hurdle. Hell, for all I know, these things still have the potential to tear us apart. I don't dwell on it, though. Living together, getting married, the whole thing sounds good to me, but that isn't the reality right now, even though we are trying to make that happen. What is the most important is we enjoy each other and I believe it should always be that way. If someone's goal is nothing more than a ring on their finger, I tend to think that is unrealistic. Life has more to it than that and no one should be pinning all their hopes on marriage, SCI or not.

I don't know if that answers your question or not, but I hope it helps in a way.

Edited by ohio4282, 24 February 2010 - 05:41 AM.

[Texaswheelz]

Might have been a weird time to say it, but it wouldn't bother me. How can he or you be sure she called it off because of his injury? Saying she didn't know what she was getting into doesn't exactly mean it has to be with his injury. Could be his attitude or personality after being around him more. Marriages and relationships break up all the time and the majority of them have nothing to do with an injury. If that was the reason though then that's on her, not him. Tell him to pick himself up and move on, being injured and getting over that is far harder then getting over a breakup.

[SoliK]

Thanks for the insights so far. This guy is nice, although my friend (his cousin) told me that he was depressed for years after his injury and changed practically overnight after he met this girl at work. It's easy for me to get caught up in others' emotions..and this guy was just so sad in telling me his story about his fiancee. I've never met her of course. The topic came up after I was sharing how my guy has held back a lot from pursuing a serious relationship because he keeps saying he's not over his divorce and he responded with...oh I can sympathize with that... and then went into what happened to him. I guess what struck me the most is how he kept insisting that she lied to him...that she told him straight out she could live with his paralysis and then couldn't.. So that is why I thought..hmmm..maybe that is not the right thing to say to someone.. He said he was so close to being married but she ruined his happiness..but he can't stop loving her... (this break up by the way happened four years ago; she met someone else, moved, and is now married with a baby) I know he could have been playing it out to get a reaction from me too..
For me, I always feel that communication and understanding is key.. I figure if you love someone the you talk about the concerns and work it out together..not hold everything in. Perhaps he was putting all his hopes on one person because she was the first woman who expressed interest in him (since his injury).. Actually that is what my friend thinks what happened. She worries about him because he's back into depression and just swamps himself with work. He lives by himself and she'll invite him over for dinner or to hang out with her family.
Anyway, you're right..he should move on just like my guy needs to let go.. It was just an interesting conversation and just got me all wound up.. Thanks again..

Edited by SoliK, 24 February 2010 - 04:54 PM.

[Tetracyclone]

It sounds like the guy was starry-eyed and unrealistic from the beginning. Courtship is not only a dance, it is also theater. These two did fun, vacation type stuff together. When you move in with someone the masks come off and old patterns and attitudes reassert themselves. She may have discovered he is prone to depression. This is a deal-breaker after months of fun fun fun. She may have discerned the unhealthy tendency he has to blame and revel in the victim role- after all, she said she could live with the paralysis but doing so is the test. IF that is the reason she left, she was smart to do so. Her statement never was a promise, it was a belief. A promise would be if she wedded the guy. For him to rag on and on about "she broke her promise" and "she ruined his happiness" shows me a guy who is pretty darned self-centered.

The line these guys are taking of "she hurt me so much I can never love again..." It is a statement that they do not want to let go of that attachment. It defines them and they do not wish to reinvent themselves. Two years of grieving is natural, but hanging on to the ex beyond that as their defining experience stinks of someone who has little capacity for love and loss.

If a woman builds her hopes around the belief that some day he will see the light and want to marry... this sounds like just another woman who has made a guy her project and enjoys the identity of selflessness perhaps more than is healthy for her. give the situation a time limit in your own mind, unless you are happy to date for a lifetime. And that can be a very good thing!

[qbounce]

The fact is, your only getting one side of the story . . . his. We'll never really know her side, or why she left him.

The only thing that remains then is his feelings on the matter, and what he's left with. For the reason that he can't get past this idea that no one will love him due to his paralysis really sucks, and in my opinion is even MORE PARALYZING than his SCI!

Look, we all know that every one of us here is capeable, and deserving of Love. That's the bottom line. Invite your guy in question to stop on by this site some time. Maybe a little support might be just the thing he needs to understand how others in his shoes are flourishing, or at least making it work in their relationships.

[SoliK]

I'll tell my friend to pass on the info to her cousin.. I only see him once in a while if my friend invites me over for get togethers and he is there.. He doesn't have a lot of friends except for work and his parents live in another city. So I hope he at least checks it out and meet some awesome people. As far as my guy..I haven't mentioned it to him..mostly because he always leery about social networking. He's very anti Facebook and twitter..and even grounded his son for opening up an account. But I think if he gave the site a chance he'd like it. I'll tell him this site is safe and that the people are great and supportive. Like I said we've been taking it very slow..really more friends than anything.. But he is going through a lot hard stuff at work with possible lay-offs and that's been stressful on him- His son is also starting to....well act like a teenager...so he's been upset about that.. I don't get him because he's told me how tumultuous his marriage was but yet he can't let go of it.. She's been married longer to her new husband than she was with him. The more time I spend with him the more I'm seeing this stubborn, abrupt, moody side, which can be draining, but he blames his work issues for it... So who knows...maybe good friends is for the best for now. His abruptness can really sting...so I agree that most likely the SCI was not the main issues for his marriage falling apart.

[Inger]

I have to second what was said by qbounce. Your friend is missing out by not anticipating a future with love in it. His fiancee could have left him for any number of reasons, but it is unfortunate if she gave him the impression that it had something to do with his SCI. I hope that he is willing to give relationships another chance -- as I'm sure you've seen at this site, there are many AB folks who are indeed very happily paired with someone with SCI (myself included). Best wishes and good luck to you and your friend.

[SoliK]

Inger, on Mar 4 2010, 07:10 PM, said:

I have to second what was said by qbounce. Your friend is missing out by not anticipating a future with love in it. His fiancee could have left him for any number of reasons, but it is unfortunate if she gave him the impression that it had something to do with his SCI. I hope that he is willing to give relationships another chance -- as I'm sure you've seen at this site, there are many AB folks who are indeed very happily paired with someone with SCI (myself included). Best wishes and good luck to you and your friend.

It is wonderful to be on this site and see so many success stories with marriages and close relationships. I can't speak for my friends' cousin, since I don't know him very well...but I can speak about this guy I've been seeing...who I call more friend than boyfriend lately. His story is similar but the difference is that he was married to his ex-wife for 8 years...and who knows how long they dated prior to that- he hasn't shared that with me yet. I assume they dated a long time. All he told me was that there were a lot of things wrong with the marriage from the beginning but he didn't want to let her go. In his case she was the first woman who he was in a long term relationship with after the injury and became very attached to that. He said he was depressed for years because he didn't think anyone would marry him...and he longed to be married and have a family someday. So he was thrilled when he met this woman. The sad thing is that they adopted a child a year before their divorce...while she was cheating on him with another man. Now..that I really didn't get and seemed unfair to the child. I know he blames his SCI for the divorce, but the reality is they were both in very high power careers and slammed their days with work. I also know his ex-wife, since I once worked with her and she was very hard to work with..I was shocked to find out she was his ex.. She is physically beautiful, but not the most pleasant person I know (I worked with her way before I ever met him..and she was never friendly to me or other co-workers). He told me he took the divorce and affair very hard and shut out love from that moment on. He was devastated when she married her lover a year after the divorce. (she obviously moved on) He also stopped doing things he loved like travel, wheelchair racing and camping.. I'm the first person he's dated since his divorce-12 years ago. It is sad that he's made his marriage to this woman his "defining experience" as someone else mention.. He also see's their child as his life long connection to her. I want to get him on this site..to see that if two people really love and care about each other, anything can work out. He obviously didn't marry the right person..and maybe he was so desperate to get married that he married the first person that came along.. So I pray and hope he will let the pain of the past go and move on from this attachment he has to the ex. He's a great person...and I care about him a lot. Yes he can be moody..but I just give him his space instead of trying to argue with him. And of course there is the whole age difference issue..which I noticed he's dropped lately and now just says he's not over his divorce. Maybe we are better off as friends..The last thing I want is a man who is too hung up on his ex-wife after all these years and does not want to move on...But there is a strong connection there between us and have a nice time together. This man deserves to find love again and hope he realizes that this attachment to her isn't going to get him anywhere, but alone. I do hope our relationship can develop.. Sorry if I've repeated myself! I think I've told this story on another thread somewhere! Thanks for the advice everyone!

Edited by SoliK, 05 March 2010 - 06:17 AM.

[Tetracyclone]

Solik-

You have moved quickly to figure out the situation with your WC friend and I'm much in admiration. You will find the love you want, there is no doubt.