[QuadsWife]

Hello,

I am looking for some opinions with an issue that has arisen.

My husband and I have been married for a few years. I have been offered the opportunity to go on a (free) mission trip to an inaccessible area. Suffice it to say, I have researched the organization and spoken with other people who have been on similar trips, and they are a legitimate international organization that works in third-world countries.

Selfishly, I really want to go, as this offers me an opportunity that does not come up every day. My husband is much more relunctant as there is no possible way he can come. He has carers that come in twice daily and he is independant with meals, (he survived long before I was in the picture) but says that it is more important that we take our holidays together.

I appreciate that he wants to spend the time together, but we travel often and feel that this is something I want to do for me.

Am I being unreasonable?

Your thoughts, please.
QW

This post has been edited by QuadsWife: 24 February 2010 - 06:21 PM

[guido]

These are some of the hard bits of a relationship. Personally, I would never want to hold back a partner in anything. A life is worth living. Sacrifice and commitment work both ways. I suspect that a part of his not wanting you to go is the certain knowledge that if he weren't in a chair he could go, and there will be a big fear that you might not come back to him. Though actually it might have nothing to do with the paralysis but just that you want to go and do this for yourself. Understanding this might help him enormously.

Equally, if you didn't go purely because of him, you risk resenting him and the situation he is in. And this is a destructive worm. You don't think it's there or that it's small, but it can grown and fester if not taken care of. And that is detrimental to him too. He must come to realise this.

You don't say how long you would go for, and I guess this is all part of the compromise.

I think you know the answer. Getting him to accept it might be a question of being firm but kind, and maybe planning something for the both of you afterwards that he has greater control over. Shared experience is what builds and maintains bonds, relationships and friendships.

[FROG]

Guido gives very good advice and much insight here. Please speak with your husband and assure him that this will all work out fine and that has nothing to do with how much you love him. It is more about something God is showing you He wants you to do for Him and that you really want to be obedient to God. My wife leaves me and goes to Romania on a short-term mission for 3 weeks every Summer. I miss her while she is gone but I would never want to keep her from doing work that her God has asked her to do. I sincerely hope that you are able to talk this out together.

This post has been edited by FROG: 24 February 2010 - 08:27 PM

[rue2you]

My hubby is AB and he has always taken a missions trip every year. He went to Kyrgyzstan last year when I was only about 3 months post. He was going to stay home but I begged him to go. Was I nervous? Yes, but he is a wonderful and devoted husband who had gone through a major change in his life also (me and my paralysis) and I felt it would be good for him. This year he is going to Israel. One of these days I will go with him but I am not ready to do that yet (leaving my children issue - not paralysis). We do other things together that are special.

There is a certain unneasiness that I have when he is gone - just because we are not together - but he comes home so refreshed and thankful to his wife for being excited for him which pays off to me in many more ways all year long!

Maybe if he can see that you are dedicated to him first and that this will bring you home more refreshed to be an even better wife then he will be excited for you. I hope it works out for you both.

[SoliK]

It sounds like a great opportunity..and if it were me I would go... Actually this is the type of question I've been thinking about too.. While I'm more close friends with the guy I've been seeing right now (long story) we have had deep conversation of traveling and going to different places around the world. My family is from Latin America and live in areas that are not accessible at all...so I do worry that if this relationship moves forward, I'd have to find a way for him to get around there since I want him to meet my family. One of my dreams is to travel to Victoria Falls in Africa and he's shared he wants to go there too. Of course I've gone online to see if this is accessible! Then again, this is a man who traveled to Australia and New Zealand by himself for 4 weeks...Didn't know a soul there and got by fine.
I'm sure you'll make the right choice..but if you really feel the call to go there then follow your heart, especially if it's free and the opportunity of a life time! Is this a place your husband wants to go too? Good luck..

[ClaraTaylor]

Go.

Because if you don't it will sit there filling your heart with a black hole filled with regret and "what ifs". It sounds like an amazing experience and you need to explain to your husband just how much you want to go and that his controlling you puts a large strain in your mind.

It's completely different to "taking a holiday together", you'll be working - just working in a different rewarding way. It will leave you with memories that you will never forget. It's unfortunate that he can't go with you but he needs to know that you are your own person.

[jenny407]

I agree with everybody here: Go. A friend of mine said some time ago: "If you do it, the trouble and quarrel will be forgotten later. If you don't, the regret will stay in your heart forever." (It was a different situation to yours, but I went, and I'm still glad of it.) Guido's advice sounds very wise. Try to talk it over with your husband, show love and understanding - and then stick to your decision. All the very best wishes for both of you!

[allis53ca]

send a postcard........

[Tetracyclone]

not going would not simply risk resentment. i think it would be a certainty and that the precedent would set up a destructive expectation that you should have no life of your own.

[QuadsWife]

Wow.

Thank-you all SO much for your heartfelt responses.

We have talked this over AT LENGTH and have decided that we will take a holiday together (somewhere hot and all inclusive and accessible!) between now and the mission so that he doesn't feel left out. I think this has made him feel a lot more comfortable about me going. And I will go on the mission without him.

To answer your question SoliK, he would be interested in visiting on holiday, but has zero interest in going on the mission. Truthfully, I don't think he ould go even if he could walk. But then he would have the choice. Where this trip is going, it is impossible for him to come with me and still accomplish what the mission intends to do.

Again, thank-you all SO much. I feel much better about the entire situation. I think it's important for us to do things separately, but the trouble is that it is much easier for me to find outside activities that I enjoy than it is for him.

God bless,
QW

[jenny407]

That's very good news! Sounds like a very acceptable compromise. I find it encouraging this forum really helps (as it does so often). Enjoy a great holiday with your husband and have a wonderful experience on the mission!
Jenny

[Tetracyclone]

[edlee]

Cool,,, A twofer,,, A holiday and the mission. Enjoy both!
ed

[QuadsWife]

Hi all,

Thought I'd (finally) let you know how it ended.

I was able to reschedule the mission so that it didn't affect our planned holidays. I went, with his blessing, and had a brilliant time. It was wonderful to be able to find a solution that worked for both of us - and also nice to have a bit of time apart.

If in doubt - try a creative solution.

And also discovered that if I decide to return, bringing him along isn't out of the question. Perhaps more difficult than the average holiday, but doable. Although time will tell if he's even the slightest bit interested. I'm always entertained by the reactions of locals in third world countries to a guy in a wheelchair (you want to do WHAT?!) ;-)

Thanks for your thoughts, all.

Peace,
QW