11 replies to this topic

[ohio4282]

My fiance and I have been engaged for just under a year now. The question that has gotten to be most annoying is "have you set a date" and the answer is no. We love each other and we agree that we want to make that level of commitment to each other. The hold up has been living together. Not only is finding an accessible place been a huge obstacle, the prices of places with two bathrooms (a must for us) is outrageous. But, we've also talked a lot about this. His place is a studio that was built for him. There isn't space for my clothes, let alone, a chair for me to sit in, which would regulate me to the bed, toilet or floor if I wanted to sit down (and I do want to sit on occasion). He can get into my place, but it is really hard for him. My carpet makes it hard for him to push. The bathroom is too small for him to get into, so he has to cath into a container and I pour it in the toilet. And honestly, both of us really like where we live.

We are together almost every night. Every other day, when he does his BP, we are at his place. I leave in the morning to get ready for work. The other days, we are at mine. Some nights, which is rare, we are in our own separate places. This usually happens when I have to be at work early and need to get to bed, and he is a night owl. And we usually spend time with each other here or there before parting for the night.

When talking about this with a friend (a sociology major friend) mentioned the concept of living apart together, in which a couple is married, but maintain their own residences, for various reasons. And studies that have been done have shown these married couples to be happier and have a lower divorce rate than ones that follow the traditional route of getting married and moving in together. I really don't give a crap about statistics, but it really struck a chord with us. Why the hell not? Like I said, we love each other and want that level of commitment, and perhaps, the symbolism that goes with a marriage.

Our friends and family seem to think it pointless to get married, if that is how we end up living. But, it almost makes perfect sense for us. We already buy groceries/necessities for either household. We spend most of our off work hours "living" together. So why not continue as is, just as a married couple? I'm partially just wondering aloud here, but I also wonder, on the off chance, that any one here has a similar arrangement?

Edited by ohio4282, 09 March 2010 - 03:16 AM.

[PA01]

Hey there Ohio,

Although I don't live in a similar situation, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I can't see why it is anyone else's business to tell you what is 'wrong' or 'right' in a marriage. Just because living together was the traditional way of doing things, doesn't make it the right way. Marriage never used to be about a loving commitment, it was about political, financial or social gain. As the concept and reason for marriage evolves, it makes sense that the carrying out of the marriage should also evolve. Perhaps you could begin living in separate residences, and then decide down the track you do want to live together, and it becomes a viable option for you. There is nothing to stop you then changing your mind and living together. It should be about how you feel, and what you want and agree on as a partnership, not what outsiders tell you that you should be feeling.

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents worth...I feel pretty strongly about being told what is the right way of doing things in situations like this, because you clearly love and care for each other, and getting married is completely your choice, and how you choose to live and participate in your marriage should remain up to you.

All the best!
C

[JohnD]

Why not, if it suits you why not carry on as you are once you are married. If other people don’t like it that’s up to them, but you should do what fills right to you.

[Tetracyclone]

Hearty agreement that if what you are doing works well for you, don't fix it!

many a couple, mine included, end up realizing that living together created a host of problems that were just unnecessary. Living together is needed for raising children. Commitment can be harder to maintain when times get rough if there are no financial consequences to walking away.

Never ever allow yourself to feel pressured from the outside to do something that does not correspond to your inner good sense. Trust yourself and you will not need good luck.

[mellowgator]

ohio4282, on Mar 9 2010, 03:12 AM, said:

My fiance and I have been engaged for just under a year now. The question that has gotten to be most annoying is "have you set a date" and the answer is no. We love each other and we agree that we want to make that level of commitment to each other. The hold up has been living together. Not only is finding an accessible place been a huge obstacle, the prices of places with two bathrooms (a must for us) is outrageous. But, we've also talked a lot about this. His place is a studio that was built for him. There isn't space for my clothes, let alone, a chair for me to sit in, which would regulate me to the bed, toilet or floor if I wanted to sit down (and I do want to sit on occasion). He can get into my place, but it is really hard for him. My carpet makes it hard for him to push. The bathroom is too small for him to get into, so he has to cath into a container and I pour it in the toilet. And honestly, both of us really like where we live.

We are together almost every night. Every other day, when he does his BP, we are at his place. I leave in the morning to get ready for work. The other days, we are at mine. Some nights, which is rare, we are in our own separate places. This usually happens when I have to be at work early and need to get to bed, and he is a night owl. And we usually spend time with each other here or there before parting for the night.

When talking about this with a friend (a sociology major friend) mentioned the concept of living apart together, in which a couple is married, but maintain their own residences, for various reasons. And studies that have been done have shown these married couples to be happier and have a lower divorce rate than ones that follow the traditional route of getting married and moving in together. I really don't give a crap about statistics, but it really struck a chord with us. Why the hell not? Like I said, we love each other and want that level of commitment, and perhaps, the symbolism that goes with a marriage.

Our friends and family seem to think it pointless to get married, if that is how we end up living. But, it almost makes perfect sense for us. We already buy groceries/necessities for either household. We spend most of our off work hours "living" together. So why not continue as is, just as a married couple? I'm partially just wondering aloud here, but I also wonder, on the off chance, that any one here has a similar arrangement?

ohio4282, on Mar 9 2010, 03:12 AM, said:

My fiance and I have been engaged for just under a year now. The question that has gotten to be most annoying is "have you set a date" and the answer is no. We love each other and we agree that we want to make that level of commitment to each other. The hold up has been living together. Not only is finding an accessible place been a huge obstacle, the prices of places with two bathrooms (a must for us) is outrageous. But, we've also talked a lot about this. His place is a studio that was built for him. There isn't space for my clothes, let alone, a chair for me to sit in, which would regulate me to the bed, toilet or floor if I wanted to sit down (and I do want to sit on occasion). He can get into my place, but it is really hard for him. My carpet makes it hard for him to push. The bathroom is too small for him to get into, so he has to cath into a container and I pour it in the toilet. And honestly, both of us really like where we live.

We are together almost every night. Every other day, when he does his BP, we are at his place. I leave in the morning to get ready for work. The other days, we are at mine. Some nights, which is rare, we are in our own separate places. This usually happens when I have to be at work early and need to get to bed, and he is a night owl. And we usually spend time with each other here or there before parting for the night.

When talking about this with a friend (a sociology major friend) mentioned the concept of living apart together, in which a couple is married, but maintain their own residences, for various reasons. And studies that have been done have shown these married couples to be happier and have a lower divorce rate than ones that follow the traditional route of getting married and moving in together. I really don't give a crap about statistics, but it really struck a chord with us. Why the hell not? Like I said, we love each other and want that level of commitment, and perhaps, the symbolism that goes with a marriage.





Our friends and family seem to think it pointless to get married, if that is how we end up living. But, it almost makes perfect sense for us. We already buy groceries/necessities for either household. We spend most of our off work hours "living" together. So why not continue as is, just as a married couple? I'm partially just wondering aloud here, but I also wonder, on the off chance, that any one here has a similar arrangement?

i wouldn't worry about what others think. you'd think in this housing market that you could find a home to accomadate your w-c and your girl friends clothes. since i don't live in dc i guess i have no idea the obsticles in regard to accessible housing. if i were you i'd live my life without worrying about nay sayers.

[Bob C]

Why worry? Keep looking for a place and eventually you will get together. I know a married couple who have a weekend commuter marriage because they have jobs several hundred miles apart. If there is love, there's always a way. Wishing you both the best.

[SandieT]

If it works for you why not. Friends of mine have lived like this for years. She had 2 teenage daughters from a previous marriage and he didn't. She remained in her home while the the girls went thro school/education etc. he was able to work from home a lot of the time so would stay with my friend for a few days or a week or two then go home to his house for a while, she would go and stay at his some weekends and holidays etc.

They lived like this for over 10 years until her daughters left home, at which point she sold up and moved closer to him and they bought a house together, which was fine for a couple of years, but they found they couldn't live together full time and split up. He stayed in the house and my friend eventually bought another house about 40 miles away from him. They were apart for about 2 years, but never got divorced and then got back together again, but each keeping their own houses, they have been back together for about 18 months now, and this is how they live. (Can't live together, can't live apart!) and they are really happy.
So just do whatever suits you both and don't worry what everyone else thinks.

[Travelling Blackbird]

I agree: if it works for you, do it, and don't worry what everyone else thinks.

It actually seems to be pretty common in this part of Germany. I know five couples who live apart together, and are very satisfied with it. Whether it's because they're so used to their place and their space and neither wants to give it up, or because they don't want to live in the same town but are happy to visit, they make it work.

I never lived with my second partner, and sometimes I think the relationship worked so well because we didn't have any negotiations over little daily and space issues.

[qbounce]

The only question I have is, are you both interested in having children? If so, I'm sure the separate arangement will have to change after marriage.

So, if you do decide to stop looking for that perfect 2 bed/ 2 bath unit in exchange for a little solidarity in your marriage, allow family and friends to know that it might not be a permanent situation. Other then that, remind them that about 50% of all first time marriages already end in divorce. How much worse could it be to try an alternative method??

Congrats, and good luck.

[Texas Angel Ang]

I agree with QB... my first thought was "go for it" then I started thinking what about kids??? Either way do what is best for the both of you and whatever makes y'all happy.

[ADP-10-08-63]

why listen to any -one else if you and your partner are happily in then go for it get married enjoy the whole and live happily ever after together.

[ohio4282]

qbounce, on Mar 9 2010, 04:37 PM, said:

The only question I have is, are you both interested in having children? If so, I'm sure the separate arrangement will have to change after marriage.

So, if you do decide to stop looking for that perfect 2 bed/ 2 bath unit in exchange for a little solidarity in your marriage, allow family and friends to know that it might not be a permanent situation. Other then that, remind them that about 50% of all first time marriages already end in divorce. How much worse could it be to try an alternative method??

Congrats, and good luck.

Thanks, everyone. I guess I really was just looking for some support because I've been thinking about this much more positively after reading your responses.

To answer a couple of questions that came up, neither of us want children, so that isn't an issue. I love kids, he love kids but we both like to be able to get rid of them at the end of the day. We both have nieces/nephews that we love spending time with, and we both love even more that we can give them back at the end of the day.

As for the current way we both live, it isn't that he wouldn't make room for my things or I wouldn't make room for him. I rent and can't modify the place. As for his, it is nothing more than a slightly wide hall with shelves and storage on either side, that opens up for a bathroom and a bedroom only. It was designed and built for him and him alone. Even if he made room for my clothes, I'd still only have the option of sitting on the bed or on the toilet. My place could be okay, if it could be modified, even if we'd still be sharing a bathroom. Even so, the bath is too small for him to even get into and when I asked about modifying to ADA standards, I found out this place was grandfathered in to when no one gave a shit and they won't let me renovate.

So, as I said, we spend most days and nights together anyway and it isn't that we don't want to live together. It is just the accessible places that would suit both of us so far are out of our price range, even combining with what we both pay now. In the meantime, we are both eager to move forward. We just haven't found a workable way for us to actually live together. The way I see it is that if both aren't getting our needs met, we have a greater chance of losing each other anyway. So I guess doing what works for us is the most important thing.

Edited by ohio4282, 19 March 2010 - 03:33 AM.