[stacyandmike]

I feel I can't go on, it's selfish I know because my fiance didn't ask for this.

He comes back the odd weekend, and we argue all the way through but when he goes back to hospital I miss him terribly.

I don't know how we will cope when he comes home, we are both still young, I am just 22 and he is 25. I hope to god our situation changes and he starts to move his legs but the doctors aren't hopeful.

Is it wrong that I feel sorry for myself sometimes? I feel so guilty xx

[missb]

Yeah

This post has been edited by missb: 29 August 2006 - 12:06 AM

[Lucydog]

Ok This may sound pretty controversial, but when the time is right for you, you need to take a long hard look at yourself, and ask is this the life for you? If not then you need to walk away now. You are both young and have opportunities to meet someone else. Dont stand by him because you feel you must, because in 20 years time you will feel bitter and cheated and worn out in life. You may feel like a real bitch if you walk away, but better to do it while you can, its no shame that not everyone is made to cope with things like this. If you want a regular guy, regular job, regular income, regular life then admit to yourself and others and do something about it. Remember, in my opinion, life will not be easy forever (I dont know his level of injury). And STOP FEELING GUILTY!! There is no room in life for guilt as long as we all do the best in life we can then thats it.

[carolline]

Hmmnn,I fall into deep thinking.
As lucydog says...you have a point in there,and you are deffinitely right!.But on the part of stacyandmike...it's difficult to do that like to walk away.If she still love his fiance,of course she really do.Sometimes..if you always feel guilty you'll not set yourself free.
Stacyandmike....how do you feel most/more.....LOVE or GUILTY..into your relationship?

[missb]

Yeah

This post has been edited by missb: 29 August 2006 - 12:02 AM

[miranda]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site. My husband of 4 years is an incomplete t11. He was in a motorcycle accident 5 year ago almost. He has pretty good mobility but is stuck using his chair most of the time.

I actually went to see a counsellor today and he suggest that I join a support group for spouses of parapalegics. I can't seem to find anything, but found this and figured it was a start.

We have a one year old son and things are good. But I guess that I am harbouring some deep feelings about his being in a chair. This is not what I thought my life would be like. I see people on the street walking hand in hand and think to myself, I can't have that. It is tough with the household chores because he is not able to do as much as before, so I am stuck doing it all.

Anyone else feel this way? Anything anyone can suggest about what to do about these feelings? I don't want to burden my husband by telling him that I resent the fact that he is in a chair...but don't know what to do. I am getting tired emotionally and physically.

Thanks for your time!!

[Jilly]

Hi Miranda,
Yeah I know the things you are talking about. My guy was in a chair when I met him so Ive never been able to do those things with him. I miss the hand holding, walking on the beach, and other more personal things that I took for granted in other relationships. We have talked about it and he misses them too. but sometimes I still think to myself ' I wish.....' and no its not fair. but if we are going to be with these guys then we have to accept it.... but its only natural that we wish things were otherwise. If he is T11 then he should be able to help you out with a lot of the housework. My guy is T5 and has home help, but Ive seen him vacume, mop, scrub, get the sheets off the bed, and do the washing. About all he cant do is hang the washing out and re-make the bed. (only because he cant get the chair around it!)

This is just as good as any support group as far as I am concerned. Often we live a long way from other people in the same situation, and theres no-one else near to talk to about it all anyway. So feel free to offload here! We know what you are going through!

[Sunshine Days]

Miranda,

I am confused, has your husband been in a chair the entire time you have been married? I agree with Jilly, he should be able to help you more. My boyfriend (T5/T6) does all of his own household chores (granted he has been in a chair for 13 years) and requires very little assistance. He doesn't have a caretaker and he never asks me to help with anything (although I drive him crazy doing everything anyway).

Everyday your man should be pushing himself to do more and more, I think that it would make you feel better if he could learn to just one thing that would ease your burden.

It's a very rare occasion that I think of what life would be like with another man. I've dated several men and come to realize that yes, my boyfriend can't dance, run or take long walks on the beach BUT he is by far the most attentive, caring, loving, funny, sweet, romantic and full of life person I've ever had the pleasure to date.

To me the good out weighs the bad tremendously. I've dated able bodied guys that were a much bigger pain.

It's nice to think of all the things he CAN do, like sing. He's the only guy I've ever dated that could sing. He can ski, he cleans up after himself, he can drive, he can drive his boat...sometimes it is hard for me to think of things he can't do...

Besides, I think it is comforting to think that although my guy can't do some things, at least I know in my heart that he would desire to do those things with me until the end of time - can't really say that much for all of my exes.

I feel very blessed to be in my situation.

[rooster1005]

I can definately agree with what is being said here. You definately need to be sure that this is the life for you. Be fair to you guy and get out now if you are not sure that you can do this. My husband was married to another woman when he was injured and ended up a complete T11. She left him and not in a nice way. I met him 6 1/2 years post in jury. So all I have known is him in a chair. I knew almost at first sight that he was the man for me. Being with a person in a wheelchair is not a bad thing. It is just different.

I can relate as well to missing some of the "normal things". NOTE I say "normal" since that is the way my hubby says it. Walking side by side, having him lift me in the air and swing me around, all the things that as women we can picture in our heads. I put it to you this way though, how many of those times do you really do those things in real life? I was married to another man before Robert and we shared very few of those times. In my life with Robert I have so many things that I never had before. I have the opportunity to spend every day of the rest of my life with my best friend. I have a man who is very quick to roll up behind me and smack my butt or simply tap me to let me know he is there and thinking about me. I have a man who is very affectionate and very quick to show that he loves me because he knows just how special life is.

I am thankful every day that I have Robert. I am thankful for all that he has taught me about life. God has given us and each of you this opportunity for a reason. I say embrace it and make it the best it can be. Take the bad days when the come and be thankful for all the good ones that you are given as well.

Hope I was a little help.
Laura

[rooster1005]

I posted last night but I felt I should share this as well. Part of the discussion was about some of the things that we are unable to do because of disabilities. I fell in love with Robert all over again today. His kids are with us for part of Spring break so we took them to a state park. There is a really nice boardwalk there which is handicap accessible. There is also another nature walk there. Thinking that this trail would all be wooden as the first was we went. About half way through we found out we were wrong. Robert continued down the trail even though there were roots and rocks and dirt. I was only able to give minimal help so that we did not end up dumpiong him on his head. He did this for all of us, in his manual chair.


I say all of this because of some of what I said yesterday. But also because I love going on nature trails. Always have my entire life. My ex-husband hated that type of thing so we never went together. Now I am married to Robert and I thought that nature walks were not going to be a part of our lives either. He proved me wrong. The funniest part is that once we were at the end of the trail, he grabbed me and looked in my eyes and said "Now you have even taken me on a nature walk". I know that I had never talked about loving nature walks with him. I would never have pointed out something that he could not do to him. Somehow he knew though. Robert says that we will not be doing trails that tough on a daily basis but he is not a scared any more.


Today was a great day for both of us and our kids. His girls got to see their Dad do something they never thought he could and my girls got to see Robert in a way they never had before.


Yesterday I wrote that if you are not strong enough for this to get out. I totally feel that is the way it should be. HOWEVER, if you love your guy, don't lose out on all the GREAT things that he still can do just because of the things he can't. Also, don't let your fear and worry chase you off either. Don't listen to what your family and friends say either. You are the one who has to live with your choice.

The biggest thing, don't give up all the GREAT memories that you can make together just because things are not as they were. Or because things are not going to be as easy as once thought. I realize that I chose this life and you were handed it without asking but if you love this man you will make it through.


Hope I did not babble too much LOL
Laura

[newtous]

I AGREE WITH ROOSTER1005. I ALSO HAVE ONLY KNOWN MY PARTNER IN A WHEELCHAIR. LOOKING BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP THE WHEELCHAIR PART DID NOT BOTHER ME. HE HAS ALOT OF MOOD SWINGS BUT THAT'S JUST HIS WAY OF DEALING WITH HIS OWN SELF CONFIDENCE. WE HAVE GOOD AND BAD DAYS LIKE ANY OTHER COUPLE. THE RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT THAN WITH AN ABLE BODY. DIFFERENT DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN A BAD THING. I CAN ALSO SAY HE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPEN TO ME. I CAN'T PICTURE MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM. NOW OTHER PEOPLE WILL SAY HE IS A BURDEN TO ME. BUT THAT'S WHEN I PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND MY RELATIONSHIP IS MY RELATIONSHIP AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NO SAY SO.

PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT EVERYDAY WILL BE PEACHY CREAM. HE HAS TO DEAL WITH HIS OWN ISSUES. SOMETIMES HE WILL TAKE HIS FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON ME. (LIKE NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS HE USE TO DO OR IF WE HAVE A BAD NIGHT OF SEX AND THAT WILL HAPPEN TO.) BUT I ALWAYS REASSURE HIM I LOVE HIM AND EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT LIFE IS LIKE FOR HIM, I WILL STAY BY HIS SIDE.

YOU NEED TO BE SURE IF THAT IS A LIFE YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF AND THAT'S JUST NOT WITH A PERSON WITH A DISABILITY. THAT'S WITH ANYBODY YOU MIGHT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

PLEASE MAKE A NOTE THAT YOU CAN'T SAVE HIM NOR CAN YOU MAKE HIM WALK AGAIN.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!

[stacyandmike]

Thanks everyone for your replies on this, things haven't got much better since last time I posted on here. I have started up a new topic. I'm still as confused as I was last time. On sleeping pills as well, over the last month was getting about an hour sleep on average per night. I'm wearing myself down.