17 replies to this topic

[lissysilver]

Hi all!

I can't tell you what a lifesaver this website has been, and what valuable advice I've gotten from everyone. I'm asking for advice once again, because right now I'm extremely frustrated with my husband. (Or maybe it's the fertility drugs I'm taking!)

I've taken the tough love approach for a while now, and although things are improving, it's little baby steps. I can't decide if my husband is truly lazy (which I think in some part he is....but he let himself get that way), or that he has imposed limitations on top of his limitations. He is T3-T5 para, has been about seven years, and until I moved here a year and a half ago, lived on his own. What really got my goat tonight is the fact that he (once again) let his petrol get down to practically empty, and then got mad at me when I wouldn't go get it with (for) him at 11:00 at night. He claims that it is difficult for him. That translates to me as too lazy to get his chair and himself out of the car. Why do it yourself, when it takes so long, when you can have an able-bodied person do it for you? (This tends to be his attitude, as well as 'I can't be bothered') This on top of the fact that he was three hours late to lunch at his parents house. He was too tired, he claims, he worked three days in a row. I slept for a few hours last night and I still dragged myself out of bed at 9:30 to shower and go to synagogue.

I feel that he has imposed these limitations on himself. There has never been a doctor or a therapist who has prescribed him only a certain amount of hours in his chair. That means that he COULD work five days if he wanted to. I understand that he gets tired, but who doesn't? He's also almost certainly overweight, which doesn't help his stamina. He claims that he's going to start going to the gym before work, and he did on Thursday, but who knows how long that can last?

I know I can get some valuable advice from you Gordon, QBounce, and Bob C. Who else wants to chime in?

Thanks,

Lissy

[gordonr]

lissysilver, on Apr 3 2010, 10:28 PM, said:

I've taken the tough love approach for a while now, and although things are improving, it's little baby steps. I can't decide if my husband is truly lazy or that he has imposed limitations on top of his limitations.... He is T3-T5 para...What really got my goat tonight is the fact that he (once again) let his petrol get down to practically empty, and then got mad at me when I wouldn't go get it with (for) him at 11:00 at night.

lissy,

This might seem a bit strange, because he has to get into the car to get the gas, anyways, and yet he is saying to you, "C'mon, let's go get gas."

But there is a significant difference between two transfers (in the car, out of the car) and four (in the car out for gas, back in, out at home)

I have a similar injury level and I hate car transfers. I do them all the time, but I consciously try to minimize them. Perhaps what he REALLY wants to say is, "Hey Hun, how 'bout running down to the gas station for me?", because he has done all of the transfers that day that he wants to do, and when he asks you to go with him, he is just pretending that he is not that tired, in short, his pride doesn't allow him to admit how beat he actually is.

(Where I live, there are a very limited number of gas statitons with real human beings pumping the gas. I am very strategic throughout my week, making sure that I get to one of those stations, in order to avoid the neccesity of pumping myself, which I find to be a supurflous transfer in a day that already has enough of them)

Quote

he was three hours late to lunch at his parents house. He was too tired, he claims, he worked three days in a row. I slept for a few hours last night and I still dragged myself out of bed at 9:30 to shower and go to synagogue.

You are equating his general state of vigor with your own. I find that I have to watch my sleep time in a way that people around me do not normally do. As a matter of fact, I usually have a nap. That is, at least seven hours sleep per night and a two hour nap.

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I feel that he has imposed these limitations on himself. There has never been a doctor or a therapist who has prescribed him only a certain amount of hours in his chair.

I know that there are lot's of people here who spend all day in their chairs. But I would submit that most of those are people who can't do their own transfers and are therefore incapable of lying down during the day. Sitting all day in a chair is not in any sense normal or healthy. There are pressure issues and there are circulation issues. Anybody who has ever done a several hour stint in a car can remember the discomfort. Nobody does sixteen hours in a car seat without stretching their legs at a gas station or diner. But that is what the dependent quads have to put up with. Alrigtht, I expect to see some paras say they do the same thing. But I most defenitely do not. This forum is full of threads about pressure sores and swollen ankles (not to mention actual phlebitis). There is a reason for those threads.

Quote

That means that he COULD work five days if he wanted to.

I would agree that he probably could. But he could not do it as comfortably as a normal person could. (And once again I expect many will chime in to say that they do.) I believe that a two-to-one ratio is pretty fair for the average SCI. In other words, common tasks would be about twice as hard for them (us) to accomplish. In this view, working full time for an SCI would be the equivalent of am AB pulling double shifts. That dcoes not mean it is impossible. Many people work eighty hours a week. HOWEVER, not everybody wants to devote that kind of energy to work. IF an AB told you he would rather cut back to forty hours in order to explore other areas of life, you would find that reasonable. And in my opinion, that is the case of the SCI working half time.

I repeat, every single thing an SCI does is harder, and often MUCH harder, than it is for an AB. We can do a lot, but we have to prioritize.

Don't buy into the notion that whatever you can do, he can do. He may be brave enough to project that illusion, but it is, in the end, only an illusion. Overcoming the handicap and living a "normal" life does not mean that the handicap has disappeared. It has not. We really are disabled.

And I have done enough in life to be comfortable about admitting that.

BTW, I worked three full length days in a row this week, on a project which was supposed to take six, and when somebody found an excuse to take off a couple of days for Easter, I only pretended to be disappointed. In fact, I was starting to feel at the end of my rope, and am glad for a couple of days of down time. In exchange, last night I got to go down to the range and cap a couple hundred rounds and today I organized the kids cleaning the basement and then playing cards with them. All of which I would not have done had the project gone ahead without a break.

Now let's see who is going to show me up for a wimp!

Best Regards,

Gordon

[allis53ca]

um...yeah, what he said

[lissysilver]

Thanks Gordon. I knew I could count on you for perspective! I will take the transfer thing into account. And it's not that I disagree with him working part time. I think it's terrific. But I still felt it was terribly rude that he chose to sleep through a lovely family lunch.

I understand that it is twice as hard for my husband to do things as an able bodied person, and that it might take twice as long. But does that mean that he shouldn't do them? I refuse to do the things that he had done for himself for seven years. (That doesn't include laundry and housework) I'm trying to show him that he is indeed capable and independent.

I should point out that our first year of marriage was riddled with pressure sores. It was really difficult going. But we've since replaced his cushion, replaced his backrest with a more ergonomic one that helps his posture, thereby relieving some of the pressure on his most vulnerable areas, and because of some really persistent stomach spasms, he's had a corset made to hold in his stomach to strengthen his muscles. I also encourage him to do a lot of pressure relief. With the combination of all these things, thankfully we've had no reoccurence of the sores. He's quite vigilant about checking his skin twice a day.

I guess I'm trying to pave the way for kids, and the change of life that entails. Gordon, was your SCI before or after you had kids? There's obviously a whole new level of responsibility when a baby comes. I have loads of questions about that too!

[qbounce]

What Gordon said may ring true for a more mature wheeler. Because it sounds like you're both younger (no children yet), I have to say that it seems to me that you may have enabled him to be this way a bit.

[gordonr]

lissysilver, on Apr 4 2010, 10:26 AM, said:

Thanks Gordon. I knew I could count on you for perspective!

Lissy,

That is exactly what I am trying to do. Most of the guys you see posting on here are the cream of the crop. They have been very hard on themselves, and they have a pretty tough attiude towards others. It is a very positive attitude, and it has been my attitude as well. But it is also a denial based attitude, and can cause problems, like sores, when there is too much "trying" and not enough thinking about how to circumvent the handicap.

As for sores, I am a big fan of the "lie down as often as you can for ten minutes" school if thought. Ten minutes of no pressure every few hours can make up for a lot. As I have often posted, I do this in my car when I get in and when I get out. Its not comfortable, but you can lean over on one side for a few minutes, and then on the other. Also, I always lie down for fifteen minutes before meals, like supper, and then start fresh from there with the homework etc.

Quote

I understand that it is twice as hard for my husband to do things as an able bodied person, and that it might take twice as long. But does that mean that he shouldn't do them?

No. THis does not mean he shoudn't do them. But simple math tells us that if he takes twice as long, at the end of th line, no matter how you slice it, he is going to do half as much. That is where priorities come in.

Quote

I refuse to do the things that he had done for himself for seven years. (That doesn't include laundry and housework) I'm trying to show him that he is indeed capable and independent.

You are right to refuse to do the things he has done. And I believe he has already shown himself independent. But this brings us back to priorities and standards.

You have been watching the "Loving Him" thread, and you see this guy who has hygeine issues. But if we look at it from HIS perspective, we see that he is completely independent. So much so, that he sleeps out in totally inaccessible locations (the bedroom is apparently upstairs at her place). He cruises the net for love and adventure. He works. He goes out. But... And this leads us back to HER perspective, when you get right up close to him, in an intimate way, you realize that his pants smell of stale piss. So...

What that tells me, is that he has arranged his priorites in such a way as to become desirable to a number of women, but at that point, his time and energy is maxed out. And if he should want to go to the next level with L.H. he is going to have to reconfigure, which will mean spending more time getting dressed and less time doing whatever he does once he has made it out the door. This is obviously a guy thing. No woman is going to cheat on clothing and hygeine. They would rather die. And I submit that people of the female persuasion are heavily handicapped by their committment to look. ALbert Einstein took it to the logical conclusion. He had a whole wardrobe full of duplicates of the same suit, the same socks, the same shirt and the same shoes. He had even rigorously calculated the productive time he had saved by refusing to WASTE time making decisions about clothes. And the love of Loving Him's life, has made an even more extreme break with convention, by being unkempt to the point of insalubrity.

All kinds of guys who just want to "get on with it" (scientists, artists, cowboys, You name it) have issues with hygeine from the female perspective. But for the gimp, that is the gimp without caregivers, who is left to his own devices in this matter, and who does not have the female imperative of beauty at all costs, it is even more natural to cut in this area.

I know this is not your case, but I use it as an illustration, to explain the difference between his independent past, and the situation now.

There are certainly elements which your guy has had to incorporate into his routine in order to satisfy you. And we don't even have to identify them. If we just assume that they are there (as those of the L.H. team will certainly be there), then the theory of "it takes him longer" will inform us that things he was doing BEFORE, in his fully independent bachelor life, will now be getting squeezed, with the apparent fact appearing that he is LESS independent than before. And this might be because he is lazy. And it might be because he is taking advantage of your good nature. But it will ALSO, definitely, in part, be due to the fact, that living with you is imposing new demands upon him which are cutting into the energy that he was previously committing to his "independence". The bar is higher. The standard is more strict. Obviously he will, at least in the short term (before new adjustments and refinements are made) be found to fall short.

As an independent SCI bachelor, he was producing at a level that is unusual in any group. He was, as they say, "firing on all cylinders". You should both assume, then, that he has very little in the way of EXTRA reserves to call upon in the relationship and life that you have now. The basic energy component is like a balloon sausage dog: when you try to squeeze it in one place, it is always going to bulge out in another.

The good news, though, is in the seemingly limitless (but don't assume, because nothing really IS limitless) possibilities for gains in productivity. As time goes by, ways and methods are found which allow us to do more with less, and in my case, to do things which, as an independent single SCI, I would have considered frankly impossible.

So the point, I suppose, is that you can confidently look forward to your hubby getting more productive as time goes on. Simple things, like a complete disintoxication (which is good for anybody) can free up huge blocks of money, time and energy.

However, the way forward leads through more efficient organization. Just "trying harder" will not suffice. On the contrary. Just trying harder without a corresponding refinement of method will only lead to some kind of health and/or emotional crisis. We all have to combat laziness. But laziness is not the primary obstacle on your path. What is required is faith and determination and patience, coupled with a lot of rational thought about HOW things can get done..

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I guess I'm trying to pave the way for kids, and the change of life that entails. Gordon, was your SCI before or after you had kids? There's obviously a whole new level of responsibility when a baby comes. I have loads of questions about that too!

This is one of my favorite subjects. I was post SCI. To begin with I thought I would be simply unable to look after a baby by myself. In the end, I did four with the typical periods of multiple toddler and baby responsibilities.

I'll give you some more info on that later. This post is getting past the local tolerance point for length. heh, heh.

Best,

Gordon

[Bob C]

It is difficult to assess your husband's situation not being there. I do not know what his real health picture is. Sometimes there are mdical problems that can leave people without stamina, for example low testosterone. A good checkup may be a place to start. I worked for 35 years post injury 10-14 hours a day. I am a C-5,6,7compulete quad and I am completely independent except when I am down with the flu or something. I do have access to a full service gas station, and having to get out and in my van to fill it up is a pain and does take a lot of time. But when I go out of town and it needs to he done, I do it.My wife also worked fulltime, and I would have felt guilty if I did not do my share around the house. I can do laundry, cook, dust, and clean the toilets. I have planted bushes and trees in my yard, not because I had to but because I enjoy doing those things. I watch my skin and health, but I do not baby it. I have not had a sore since my initial hospitalization. I am not saying that your husband needs to be what some call a superquad, but I think he has more potential than he is showing unless there is a medical reason.

[Edinburgh Colin]

sounds like he needs to get out more, simply. Does he go anywhere or do anything with others appart from you? clubs groups, other SCI's or AB's none of his mates still around to gee him up?

Life can be harder but a lot of it is a state of mind and it sounds as if his is quite a dark place at present, might want to try and tsckle it from that angle.

[lissysilver]

Gordon, once again a very prolific post!! And you are absolutely right, I continue to have faith, determination, and patience in and with my husband. QBounce is right on some level. When I first arrived in the UK, I was determined to be a 'good wife', switching around chairs, fetching him things from the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. I DID enable him. But then I realized that doing all these things for him wasn't helping him, or me, so I stopped doing them.

There has obviously been a big adjustment for both of us, living together. Not to mention that I moved from the US to the UK to be with him. One of the things I noticed right away with Lewis was that he certainly liked to sleep! Knowing how long it took him to get ready, I was baffled by the fact that he would get up at 10:15 to eat breakfast and start getting ready for a 12:00 start time at work, knowing that it took him about forty minutes to get to work. He was late every day! Now he sets the coffee maker beside our bed for 9:00, and he's out the door by 11. It wasn't just because he was tired. He was using his disability to his advantage, which frankly does not fly with me.

I think my husband doesn't quite know how to manage his time, and that's something that I've been working on with him. Plus, I HATE being late, especially when there's no reason for it. He can start getting ready a little earlier, or go to the toilet a little earlier, but he thinks that his chronic lateness is excusable because he's in a wheelchair. Organization? Forget it. I try to encourage him to have a mental checklist of the things he needs before he gets into bed, but there's ALWAYS something he forgets. Right now his last box of catheters has to last him a week because he didn't order more in time.

My husband is also quite forgetful, and I think that this is to do with the cholesterol medication he's on. That and mental laziness....

I don't think my demands of him are unreasonable. Do the things you have always done without me here, but have respect for the fact that there IS someone else here, and that this home comprises two people now. The only things that fall short are the declarations he makes that he doesn't follow through with.

I love this man! I wouldn't have married him and moved across an ocean, leaving friends and family behind, if I didn't. But even after a year and a half, I'm still learning and trying to understand his mentality.

What do you mean about a complete disintoxication?

Lissy

[Quad65]

Hmm. I'll try not to sound all smug, superior, or preachy. Been a quad for almost 45 years and married for almost 32 years. Have a step-daughter 39 and a daughter 26. I worked full-time from 1979-1995. I drove a full-size van for about 10 years and transferred from my chair to the driver's seat and out again to get to and from work. Depending on weather and traffic, it took anywhere from 40 minutes to over an hour each way. I'd get up every day at 5:30 or 6:00 to get to work by 7:30 or 8:00. My wife helps me get dressed and into my chair each morning; the reverse at night. I always gassed up my van by myself, here's how. I found a gas station fairly close to my home that was both self-service and full-service. I explained my situation to the attendant about the difficulty of pumping gas with my hand/arm limitations. He said he'd be glad to do it for me whenever needed and that I should just pull into the self-serve area and they'd come out and do it for me without transferring in and out of my vehicle. Problem solved.
I was having some nerve pinch and arm problems and needed physical therapy, so I'd schedule the appointments after or before work and drive myself there. Same when I needed medical equipment or repairs. Yes, transfers are hard. Things take much longer for me. So? That's life, Man Up.
I had to take a disability retirement in '95 because of arm problems. Now I'm a house-husband and my wife works full-time. Now I load and unload the dishwasher, do laundry, make supper, do as much house-work as possible, and pay the bills. She works hard and I don't want to add to her burden. We work together for each other.
Yeah, I hurt every day, I don't sleep well, my ass gets sore, sometimes she misses work because my bowel program gets off-kilter. I'm 62 and she's 55 and we deal with it. It wouldn't be fair or loving for me to baby myself or take advantage of my disability with her.
When I was in rehab in 1965-66, I found those types of whiny, candy-asses irritating in the extreme and more so as I age. I'm not labeling your husband as such. I will say I feel he should absolutely do as much as he can for himself and for you. It's the fair and loving thing to do.

[gordonr]

Quad65, on Apr 5 2010, 03:50 PM, said:

Hmm. I'll try not to sound all smug, superior, or preachy. Been a quad for almost 45 years and married for almost 32 years. Have a step-daughter 39 and a daughter 26. I worked full-time from 1979-1995. I will say I feel he should absolutely do as much as he can for himself and for you. It's the fair and loving thing to do.

And I would add: It is the most self-respectful thing to do, and that which will bring Lewis the most personal satisfaction.

You've got a great start and a great set-up. You will not believe how active a young family will make both of you become.

And just imagine how much pleasure Lewis will take in twenty or thirty years to be able to brag about a history like our venerable quad has shared with us here.

I will say it again. I have done things which I considered frankly impossible (like the third baby with two toddlers) and succeeded in muddling through. Now, I am 58, and I am expanding my business load to compensate for having so much free time with all of the kids now at school.

Anything is possible.

But things must be done in a reasonable fashion designed to protect his muscles and joints and skin and kidneys for just as long as possible. Part of that is pushing the envelope of activity. But the other part is regular rest.

You are right. Organization is the name of the game.

Best Regards, (and kudos to quad65)

Gordon

[Quad65]

Thanks Gordon. I wasn't looking for praise, just trying to offer real-world experience. There are days when I'm really dragging and I say to myself, "F*** it. I'm taking it easy today." We'll have pizza or something simple because I get tired with kitchen duty. I might even let the dishes or laundry go an extra day. Other days, I might feel like going bear hunting with a fly-swatter.

You're right about kids making your activity level go up. Way up. Try taking a two week vacation from Minnesota to Yellowstone Park, the Black Hills, and Montana with a couple 10-year-olds and 3-year-old in a station-wagon. Our daughter lived with us until her little girl was almost three. She's going on five now and sometimes spends a week-end night. The wife and are are glad to have her overnight, but are even happier to say, "See ya next time!"

We really value our peace and quiet these days and have a wealth of experiences to remember.

A wise man once said, "I don't regret the things I did. I regret the things I didn't do."

[gordonr]

Quad65, on Apr 5 2010, 10:04 PM, said:

A wise man once said, "I don't regret the things I did. I regret the things I didn't do."

Amen to that. And somethings you will never get another chance. But it takes a little age to figure that out.

Maybe the youngun's will learn something from seeing oldtimers like us talk about it.

Happy Easter and all the best to you, Pal,

Gordon

[Loving Him]

gordonr, on Apr 4 2010, 12:44 PM, said:

lissysilver, on Apr 4 2010, 10:26 AM, said:

Thanks Gordon. I knew I could count on you for perspective!

Lissy,

That is exactly what I am trying to do. Most of the guys you see posting on here are the cream of the crop. They have been very hard on themselves, and they have a pretty tough attiude towards others. It is a very positive attitude, and it has been my attitude as well. But it is also a denial based attitude, and can cause problems, like sores, when there is too much "trying" and not enough thinking about how to circumvent the handicap.

As for sores, I am a big fan of the "lie down as often as you can for ten minutes" school if thought. Ten minutes of no pressure every few hours can make up for a lot. As I have often posted, I do this in my car when I get in and when I get out. Its not comfortable, but you can lean over on one side for a few minutes, and then on the other. Also, I always lie down for fifteen minutes before meals, like supper, and then start fresh from there with the homework etc.

Quote

I understand that it is twice as hard for my husband to do things as an able bodied person, and that it might take twice as long. But does that mean that he shouldn't do them?

No. THis does not mean he shoudn't do them. But simple math tells us that if he takes twice as long, at the end of th line, no matter how you slice it, he is going to do half as much. That is where priorities come in.

Quote

I refuse to do the things that he had done for himself for seven years. (That doesn't include laundry and housework) I'm trying to show him that he is indeed capable and independent.

You are right to refuse to do the things he has done. And I believe he has already shown himself independent. But this brings us back to priorities and standards.

You have been watching the "Loving Him" thread, and you see this guy who has hygeine issues. But if we look at it from HIS perspective, we see that he is completely independent. So much so, that he sleeps out in totally inaccessible locations (the bedroom is apparently upstairs at her place). He cruises the net for love and adventure. He works. He goes out. But... And this leads us back to HER perspective, when you get right up close to him, in an intimate way, you realize that his pants smell of stale piss. So...

What that tells me, is that he has arranged his priorites in such a way as to become desirable to a number of women, but at that point, his time and energy is maxed out. And if he should want to go to the next level with L.H. he is going to have to reconfigure, which will mean spending more time getting dressed and less time doing whatever he does once he has made it out the door. This is obviously a guy thing. No woman is going to cheat on clothing and hygeine. They would rather die. And I submit that people of the female persuasion are heavily handicapped by their committment to look. ALbert Einstein took it to the logical conclusion. He had a whole wardrobe full of duplicates of the same suit, the same socks, the same shirt and the same shoes. He had even rigorously calculated the productive time he had saved by refusing to WASTE time making decisions about clothes. And the love of Loving Him's life, has made an even more extreme break with convention, by being unkempt to the point of insalubrity.

All kinds of guys who just want to "get on with it" (scientists, artists, cowboys, You name it) have issues with hygeine from the female perspective. But for the gimp, that is the gimp without caregivers, who is left to his own devices in this matter, and who does not have the female imperative of beauty at all costs, it is even more natural to cut in this area..

I know this is not your case, but I use it as an illustration, to explain the difference between his independent past, and the situation now.

There are certainly elements which your guy has had to incorporate into his routine in order to satisfy you. And we don't even have to identify them. If we just assume that they are there (as those of the L.H. team will certainly be there), then the theory of "it takes him longer" will inform us that things he was doing BEFORE, in his fully independent bachelor life, will now be getting squeezed, with the apparent fact appearing that he is LESS independent than before. And this might be because he is lazy. And it might be because he is taking advantage of your good nature. But it will ALSO, definitely, in part, be due to the fact, that living with you is imposing new demands upon him which are cutting into the energy that he was previously committing to his "independence". The bar is higher. The standard is more strict. Obviously he will, at least in the short term (before new adjustments and refinements are made) be found to fall short.

As an independent SCI bachelor, he was producing at a level that is unusual in any group. He was, as they say, "firing on all cylinders". You should both assume, then, that he has very little in the way of EXTRA reserves to call upon in the relationship and life that you have now. The basic energy component is like a balloon sausage dog: when you try to squeeze it in one place, it is always going to bulge out in another.

The good news, though, is in the seemingly limitless (but don't assume, because nothing really IS limitless) possibilities for gains in productivity. As time goes by, ways and methods are found which allow us to do more with less, and in my case, to do things which, as an independent single SCI, I would have considered frankly impossible.

So the point, I suppose, is that you can confidently look forward to your hubby getting more productive as time goes on. Simple things, like a complete disintoxication (which is good for anybody) can free up huge blocks of money, time and energy.

However, the way forward leads through more efficient organization. Just "trying harder" will not suffice. On the contrary. Just trying harder without a corresponding refinement of method will only lead to some kind of health and/or emotional crisis. We all have to combat laziness. But laziness is not the primary obstacle on your path. What is required is faith and determination and patience, coupled with a lot of rational thought about HOW things can get done..

Quote

I guess I'm trying to pave the way for kids, and the change of life that entails. Gordon, was your SCI before or after you had kids? There's obviously a whole new level of responsibility when a baby comes. I have loads of questions about that too!

This is one of my favorite subjects. I was post SCI. To begin with I thought I would be simply unable to look after a baby by myself. In the end, I did four with the typical periods of multiple toddler and baby responsibilities.

I'll give you some more info on that later. This post is getting past the local tolerance point for length. heh, heh.

Best,

Gordon

Edited by Loving Him, 06 April 2010 - 05:44 AM.

[Loving Him]

OMG GORDON...IM GONNA SPANK U!!! lol even though he smells of stale piss, hes my smelly man...and he better not be cruising the net for love and adventure..(yes he met me here, but im where it ends, dammit.!!LOL.and leave me in my denial..) and, he sure the hell better not be doing anything to be disireable to a"number" of women.did i mention how much time and energy i put into our sexual escapades??(see:"the running man." blog). also...did i mention im cuban, and crazy? ill push his ass out the chair, gordon ha ha.. dont play with me...lol..geeeeeeeeez u must be one of his facebook friends. that explains how u would know his nature to a T..do u know how many arguments we used to get in over his internet surfing or multible girls that would he would call friends?.how did u know ?? IMAGINE THAT.. thats hilarious because he really is flirtatious, u hit the nail on the head GORDO, u crack me up!! well.now hes met his match.... he says he has changed his ways..i explained to him around 6 months ago i wasnt going for the whole wheelchair player thing..i think hes reformed..im hoping...good news is.. he actually does take his time dressing,, and he dresses very nice. he matches, wears nice shoes,colonge..shaves, is handsome..theproblem is i think pretty much what gordon said, hes not paying attention to the lower part after he caths..maybe he is just rushing thinking hes sooo cute he forgot that he TOO CAN STINK....SO....MEANTIME..while his wheeling and flirting hes not pumping and wiping..i guess..idk..SO...even tho hes styling and profiling,hes smelling of stale piss...maybe he should take a little longer then, huh? id rather him take longer to do anything than do it wrong, or smell stinky and that also applies to sex as well...take your time...please feel free...lol..well than he can have a stinky pass ...but no no no on the multible women thing GORDO, or youll see him on this site shortly, with the screen name of "DIDNTTHINKSHE'DPUSHME" and instead of a c-7 hes gonna be much worse off..lol ok said my peace.. seriously, do u know him? lmao ur just to smart for your own good gordon..i luv ya!. ohh and sorry to jump in on your post..id give u some advice but im still trying to figure out the sink by the bed and babywipes for stinky....good luck though...

Edited by Loving Him, 06 April 2010 - 06:05 AM.

[lissysilver]

I'm glad to see so many differing opinions and advice.

And Gordon, us young'uns (in comparison to you and Quad and Bob C.) are really grateful for all the helpful hints.

I'm so looking forward to having a baby with Lewis. I see him with our nieces and it's just so adorable. Now when they see me, they ask 'Where's Uncle Lewis?'

I wouldn't label my husband a candy-ass at all. But what he does lack are organizational skills. I had to get up at 4:30 this morning because he left his mobile phone in his knapsack and the alarm was going off. He tells me that the alarm would go off automatically, but that's after about five snoozes. He could sleep through a nuclear bomb going off in our room, while I wake up at the slightest sounds. He still doesn't get that.

I'm glad that so many of you agree with me about making him do things by himself, and refusing to do the things that he once did on his own. But at the same time, the perspective I have gained from this post will allow me to think twice before I refuse him something. As in 'mabye this really is too difficult for him'. I'm still torn on what to do when he gets in bed at night and forgets something. It's usually not something that's vitally important, but what if the next time it is? Every time I hear 'I can't be bothered' I just want to howl in frustration.

Quad65, don't worry, you don't sound preachy at all. I admire your hard work and determination, and you're obviously proud of all that you accomplished. That's how I want my husband to feel.

I am proud of what we have accomplished together so far, but there still needs to be some fine tuning...

Cheers all. Can't wait to see the next post...

Lissy

[gordonr]

Loving Him, on Apr 6 2010, 05:59 AM, said:

seriously, do u know him? lmao ...

No, Love, I don't know him.

However, I think I WAS him, in a past life. That is about twenty-five years ago as a younger SCI before I met my wife.

As for the Cuban thing, in a really different life, before my accident, I got an ordinary divorce. My ex said it was because I was fooling around. But I have a slightly different story. I mean, why was I fooling around in the first place, hmm?

But no damage. No kids.

Then my Grandfather started telling me about a friend of his with a latin woman, and the punchline to the story was, so you see, if you fool around on the wrong woman, you won't get divorced, you'll get shot.

Ha Ha HA.

Luv,

-G

P.S. Just try to spank me.

[gordonr]

lissysilver, on Apr 6 2010, 07:09 PM, said:

I'm glad to see so many differing opinions and advice.

But at the same time, the perspective I have gained from this post will allow me to think twice before I refuse him something. As in 'mabye this really is too difficult for him'. Lissy

Lissy,

The things are usually not too difficult for him, but just not worth it from his pint of view. Believe me. If he really wants to get out of bed he will. However...

Quote

I'm still torn on what to do when he gets in bed at night and forgets something. It's usually not something that's vitally important, but what if the next time it is? Every time I hear 'I can't be bothered' I just want to howl in frustration.

As the years go by as an SCI, we learn to forget less and less. But we still forget. And, as an example, if I am sleeping alone and I forget to turn out the light, well, that's nothing that a little cloth over the eyes will not cure.

And as for cell phones, I had a "mystery alarm" once that originated in my four year old's room. I never cared about it enough to get up and try to turn it off. Which explains why it took so long (weeks) for me to figure out what it was. Anyway, I got used to how long it would take to stop automaticially, and just took it in stride.

Funnily, my wife never heard that one. She is apparently a heavier sleeper than I.

Best,

Gordon