21 replies to this topic

[YoungGun2222]

I'm going to try paint as clear, and precise picture for everyone, so that your most welcome advice can come from a well informed source.

I believe, my friend is a quad by definition, not sure what C. He cant feel anything below his nipples, but can move and somewhat coordinate his arms, and hands, but with moderate manual dexterity, and no feeling below his elbows.

He is 23-years-old. He became paralyzed, when he jumped into the shallow end of a swimming pool a week before his twenty-first birthday, on vacation in Mexico.

Initially, he was doing really well as far as his mental, and physical health. His attitude started out really positive. Although, he did little to nothing as far as physical rehab goes in the first 1 and 1/2 back home from the hospital.

But in the last year I've seen his attitude change drastically. He has became an extremely negative, and argumentative person. He can only see whats wrong with most people/situations.

There are a group of his friends, myself included, who have maintained a strong relationship with him, visiting him multiple times a week, regularly over the 2-years. We are all young adults unmarried adults, so we've been able to visit him as much as reasonably possible. And we all agree that he has changed. We understand someone in his situation is obviously going to go through some change, however, his doesn't seem mentally healthy.

In roughly, 16 months we have only been able to get him to come out twice, for two trips to the movie theater.

He spends 90% of his time in his bed, he has a fully functioning electric, wheel chair, but chooses rarely to use it. He lays in bed and watches tv, roughly 13 hours out of ever day. These numbers are no exaggeration.

After researching, I've noticed a lot of quads attempt suicide. This scares me more than anything, because with how drastically his personality has changed I could see sinking deeper into depression, and I don't know how he would deal with it. He is a very stubborn person by nature, even after his accident though he maintained a positive outlook on life, and seemed determined to really "live", but now, only a year later, he has become extremely recluse, rarely wanting to leave his bed or house.

Other than asking you people how I can save my friend, I don't know what else to say, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[DaveP]

You guys are good friends - nice to see this!

I broke my neck diving in shallow water about his age and from what you say about his arm/hand function, it sounds like we're probably the smae level - C6/7.

It could be part of his Grieving Process. Some people take longer to go thru' this process. People who are responsible for their own injuries don't have any one else to shift the blame on to.

I think a good thing you can do for him is try to get him to come on here and start reading posts, etc. There's loads of very experienced, knowledgable and understand people here - and a few total nutters too! lol

As a C6/7 there's no reason why he can't expect to live a fully independent life. I have and so have many others. He needs to start doing exercises and doing everyday things like trying to open cans, bottles, etc. Not use special grips to make things easier as that's doesn;'t help the muscle he can operate to get stronger so they can compensate (as much as they can) for the ones that don't work.

I have a manual wheelchair and do all my own transfers, get in and out of a car, take my chair apart and put it in the car, etc. I don't need any assistance with anything. I've set up and run my own businesses, travelled the world, flown all over the place (many times on my own), drivien across America and around Europe, Australia, etc. I'm just saying this to help show you that many other C6/7's live "normal" lives and I'm not unique in this way. He can do the same.

It's hard to break habits and routines once they've become estabished. He'll probably fight and resist any attempts to chance his lifestyle, so not sure what to suggest.

Girls are a big insentive for young guys! We'll do anything to impress a girl so if he gets the hots for a girl, then he'll want to impress her. But he needs to get out to meet a girl.

Ask him if this is what he had imagined he'd become? Is he happy with how he's re-shaped his life? If your roles were reversed, what would he be saying to you?

Don't argue with him. Just plant these seeds and let him think about it.

Hope I've been helpful.

[qbounce]

Is there something else keeping him inside, such as pressure sores? If he's dealing with pain issues, that might also keep him from not wanting to get out and begin living again. Depression, managing his new routines, his level of care needs, all could be factors for why he isn't feeling very sociable.

The first few years are very daunting after a SCI, and we can only speculate EXACTLY what's bothering your friend. I'm sure at this stage, there are a multitude of concerns on his mind.

Getting him to join in some sort of support group at his hospital, or here online of course, would be a good start. If he could search out on here some of his concerns, I'd bet that a number of questions would be anwered by simply reading through the threads.

Other than that, continue seeing him, and treat him as you always have in the past. He's still your mate and friend, and I'm sure he's grateful for it.

Edited by qbounce, 19 April 2010 - 02:56 PM.

[Izziwhizzi]

Being in bed, whether self imposed or not, is very depressing in itself.

Also, lying still will increase likelihood of kidney stones and the such like with lack of moving around. Hope too he avoids pressure sores and contractures.

Dave suggestion as to bounce the situation back to him, what would he do for you to get you going? is a good one.

Maybe suggest just going out for a beer in a small bar next time, with less people looking at him. New injuries often have a very poor self image and have lost confidence, so a theatre with lots of people may have just been a bit too much. Because, like it or not, the general public stare and are rude.

I've been a tetra for 28 years, and have had a fun filled life so far. Different from the one I expected at 17, but a good one all the same. It can be done.

Good luck, and stick with it! He is really lucky to have you about. For the first 2 years after my accident I had my Mum, Dad, little sister, an avon lady who came round once a month, my doctor and an 82 yr old catholic priest visit (even though I am not religious). All my school friends had gone off to Uni. and I was the last thing in their minds.

[Tinbasher]

If you had a non disabled friend who was behaving like this. Staying in, staying in bed and withdrawing you would rightly suspect Depression.

I think this this might be the case here not just reactive depression to his injury but proper clinical depression. If you can try and get him to see somone who knows about this stuff and knows enough to just assume Quad equals depression anyhow.

The great thing is he has buddies that care for him.

Tin

[qbounce]

 Tinbasher, on Apr 19 2010, 12:30 PM, said:

If you had a non disabled friend who was behaving like this. Staying in, staying in bed and withdrawing you would rightly suspect Depression.

I think this this might be the case here not just reactive depression to his injury but proper clinical depression. If you can try and get him to see somone who knows about this stuff and knows enough to just assume Quad equals depression anyhow.

The great thing is he has buddies that care for him.

Tin

"Quad equals depression"

WHAaaa???



Then, para must equal happy days!! lol

[HiltonP]

In many ways this is all normal. There is a delay period between the disabling event and the realisation of the permanence of the disability. In some folks this is measured in weeks, in other years.

Following injury everyone hopes that the body will heal itself, that surgery will heal the injury, that a miracle cure will be found, or that (a) God will cure the injury. When none of these happen it dawns on the individual that "this is the way it is going to be" for the foreseeable, and that is often a hard pill to swallow, especially when young. Most learn to adapt, but some choose to swallow other pills and put a permanent end to things. It's their choice.

Your friends life, as he saw it prior to injury, is over.
He needs to build himself a new life, and the sooner the better.

[topperf]

- He needs to meet E-Dog.

[Stand]

I can sympathize with your friends depression, or feelings of sadness, but I don't agree with how he's handling it. He is more function than I do, which I understand doesn't make a situation less hurtful, but it's frustrating to me that he's not taking full advantage of what he can. I beg god every single day and night of my life for a chance to walk again. I would ask for something like this if I wasn't fighting on my end. Has your friend thought about any physical therapy institutions? Maybe this is something you can discuss with him. I currently get the privilege of attending the Kennedy Krieger institute, located in Baltimore, Maryland, and it's doing nothing but lifting my spirits and giving me hope. U.S. Newsweek does the top 10 list of institutions like this. Maybe you can look this up on the Internet and find a location near you. Another question I have is, where are the parents? Why are they letting him do this to himself. I'm very fortunate to have a loving family and support system, including friends like you, but why are they letting him stay in bed that long and waste away to nothing, both mentally and physically? Try to stay strong and continue to be a good friend to him because technically that's all you can do. I hope for the best for both you and your friend. Best of luck to you!

[Tinbasher]

Q Bounce it was a typo and was meant to say " NOT just assume Quad equals depression".

hat I meant was that some medics do assume that SCI is a good reason to be depressed and ignore the fact that all sorts of folks get clinical depresion.

[allis53ca]

he needs to suck it up and stop bein such aw f*@kin baby....harsh but true

[Stand]

 allis53ca, on Apr 20 2010, 06:15 PM, said:

he needs to suck it up and stop bein such aw f*@kin baby....harsh but true

This is about the dumbest and most ignorant post I've seen on here. Do you even have a SCI injury? If so, I wonder how someone in our condition could say such a thing.

[allis53ca]

yeh, same injury level and ability as the subject of thread...whats ure solution ? coddle him and watch him waste away while people with 0 motor skills live circles around him ?.... your own sig is "if you don't try, you fail"...right now, hes not trying and hes failing !

Edited by allis53ca, 20 April 2010 - 10:59 PM.

[mellowgator]

the guy needs anti-depressants and a reason to get out of bed each day. those of us who do well and achieve happy lives have a good attitude over all and some reason to keep on keeping on. no one wants to be around someone who is depressed. so it's a vicious cycle.

i'm a quad and my 1st 5 years were rough. i laid in bed and smoked pot. i even tried to overdose. so i know how hard it is to move on and see past the blackness.

there is so much out there if he only tries. don't know the guy so i don't know what would motivate him. but he's lucky to still have friends who care.

i agree with scott this guy need to stop feeling sorry for him self and suck it up and move on.

mellowgator

[qbounce]

Sorry Tin,

I reread your post. The whole sentence made sense, once I took a step back from the computer. My fault . . . . haha.

[nickandnora]

I can't offer any advice whatsoever. Sorry!! But I can totally empathize with you. My b/f is a new quad, and lemme tell ya it ain't easy. I've tried talking him into going to support groups, etc. but so far no go. I can understand, though. Whenever he was still in the hospital and we'd go for a "walk" people would stop talking when we'd approach. It got so he wouldn't come with me unless it was after normal visiting hours. Additionally we don't live in a handicapped accessible apt. so I know he hates to ask me about showering (he says it scares him we might fall); he has a pressure sore, and we're broke. I mean, I work 2 jobs so he's home alone a lot now. At least your friend has friends--people to visit him. We're new to the area, so we don't get much help or many visitors. Everybody grieves over this loss from the person it happened to, to family, friends, and significant others. It's the same as if you lose a loved one. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter, but I didn't think I would have lived the first couple of years after. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just gives you enough scar tissue that maybe it doesn't hurt so badly (especially when you get poked!).

My favorite quote in the whole wide world, "Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things. And no good thing ever dies." Stephen King

[mellowgator]

nora,

you seem to have had your fill of loss. i'm glad you have never lost hope.

please make sure he's taking care of the sore and staying off of it until it heals. you don't even want to go down the wound care road.

thanks for sharing.

mellowgator

[kiwiquad]

Isn't he best to curl up only 2yrs post his SCI, to grieve & be mad & sad about his condition now, than the realization come tumbling down on him years later? Give him a break...as an above post states, it can take months or years to accept ones disability. You said his mental, and physical health was initially good. Maybe his healthy appearance made his false smiles disguisable?
He is lucky to have a concerned friend like you, so hang in there. When he's ready, party with him in his bedroom, blast the music..whatever he was into, do it again. Get his spirits up for starters. Then simple things that he's still capable of doing, (out of bed) should be encouraged or even passively enforced, if there's so such thing. I hope something I've said is of help to you, to understand your friends plight. Perhaps ask him to get on here?

[Tinbasher]

I just think it's too common to assume that a newly disabled person is depressed as a reaction to the changes (reactive depression) when they may well also have clinical depression which is a chemical imbalance and can be treated by a short course of anti depressants (at least in my experience). I had real hard time convincing my doctor that what I was feeling was not "just" sadness but real depression.

[qbounce]

 kiwigurl, on Apr 20 2010, 08:54 PM, said:

Isn't he best to curl up only 2yrs post his SCI, to grieve & be mad & sad about his condition now, than the realization come tumbling down on him years later? Give him a break...as an above post states, it can take months or years to accept ones disability.

Owned!

(slang for, I agree)

Tin, my doctors tried all but PUSHING anti depressants on me! I had a hard time convincing them NOT to give me drugs. lol

As I saw it, because I was already on Vicodin for pain, anything more would "Zombify" my brain any possibly compromise my therapy. But I was obviously in a diiferent place in my head at the time. I actually felt as though I was floating as in a dream state, where my mind wasn't really connecting with my body. Funny what really good drugs can do. haha

We all deal with grief in our own very personal way. Just as our injuries are all uniquely different, so is our recovery time and acceptance.

[Izziwhizzi]

Its a very fine line. Depression and quads.

I don't only think it's only the grief that can turn a quad to depression, but, as many have stated we can be fragile mentally. Not saying we are all crackpots, but you get a bad carer for 6 months when you are dependant on them, or a situation where you can't get out and enjoy life for 6 months, or even get out of bed for 6 months, and it could turn any quad or sane ab into a state of depression or stress. Many quads are on prozac type meds or even just 'booster' type pills/drugs (alcohol etc) to keep them level.

If you have a great partner/carer/life/family then things keep you up-erty. Things start going bad and it can be a slippery slide.

My calm, organised, driven, totally sorted ab friend is virtually having a breakdown/meltdown that her hubby has been trapped in Japan for a week, because of the flight bans, and is having to look after the kids on her own. Yet she would have been the first to be not sympathetic to other single parents who find themselves stressed. Its very hard to put one selves in others situation.

Just keep with him, and yes, bully him slightly!! :-) Good luck

I

[gordonr]

 Izziwhizzi, on Apr 21 2010, 05:53 PM, said:

My calm, organised, driven, totally sorted ab friend is virtually having a breakdown/meltdown that her hubby has been trapped in Japan for a week, because of the flight bans, and is having to look after the kids on her own.

At least, for one week, she has been brought to a true realization that she actually HAS kids.

Nothing but good can come from that.

(although she will likely try to forget them again as quickly as she can)

ha, ha.

-G