3 replies to this topic

[sophie]

I have been looking for a site that relates to carers and just found this one. I was reading some of the things :onion: said and I relate so much to this but onion seems to have left the kitchen so too speak.
I am a carer for my 60 year old brother and my mum who is 85 and dad who is 88. I am married and do not live with them or they live with me at this stage but the day will probably come my brother will live with us.
I just feel so swamped by them. After 25 years I bought myself a horse to give myself some me time and encouraged my brother to buy a scooter to give him some more independence which it has to a certain extent but now he comes riding with me and anywhere else I would go to escape and not being a hard so and so I understand he wants to go out too but I seem to have no escape from him. If I say anything it just puts my mum and brother in a cranky mood.......... which isn't hard I can tell you so if I even want to do something as simple as go to town shopping I have to do it in secret to save the mood vibes. I am 49 years old and feel like I am 14 asking permission to go out.
My husband is great and also does his utmost to help the folks........ but basically all I want is some space. My 3 grown up children live 5 hour plane ride away so I don't even get the outlet from seeking it out with my own children.
There are other people in town who care for relatives and I say gee I bet they really would like a bit of space away from the family and they will totally agree with me after all I am not talking about them how could I be ........... don't get me wrong I don't begrudge caring for them I just don't know how to get through to them I want a life too. A few months ago my doctor told me as my blood pressure was way up to tell them what she said which I did and they blamed everyone else who I might give a helping hand too as putting on me too much......... definitely not them..........
O.k. so beware I will be having a every now and again.. thank goodness I have found this site.
Cheers to all you carers out there.... oh yes my mum has just bought a scooter too so now I have both of them following me on my horse............................

[Jilly]

Hi Sophie,

everyone following you like that must drive you nuts!!!

My 13 year old daughter does that, if she is in a snotty mood or bored she will follow me around the house trying to get my attention. so close sometimes that if I take a step back I will stand on her!

you need to harden your heart a little bit and tell them that you need to go by yourself sometimes. Not easy I know - sometimes it feels like the guilt they throw at you is not worth the time alone!! Good luck

Grumble as much as you like - we all do it from time to time. Sounds to me like you need a HOLIDAY by yourself!!!

[dona]

sophie, on Apr 17 2006, 04:34 AM, said:

I have been looking for a site that relates to carers and just found this one. I was reading some of the things :onion: said and I relate so much to this but onion seems to have left the kitchen so too speak.
I am a carer for my 60 year old brother and my mum who is 85 and dad who is 88. I am married and do not live with them or they live with me at this stage but the day will probably come my brother will live with us.
I just feel so swamped by them. After 25 years I bought myself a horse to give myself some me time and encouraged my brother to buy a scooter to give him some more independence which it has to a certain extent but now he comes riding with me and anywhere else I would go to escape and not being a hard so and so I understand he wants to go out too but I seem to have no escape from him. If I say anything it just puts my mum and brother in a cranky mood.......... which isn't hard I can tell you so if I even want to do something as simple as go to town shopping I have to do it in secret to save the mood vibes. I am 49 years old and feel like I am 14 asking permission to go out.
My husband is great and also does his utmost to help the folks........ but basically all I want is some space. My 3 grown up children live 5 hour plane ride away so I don't even get the outlet from seeking it out with my own children.
There are other people in town who care for relatives and I say gee I bet they really would like a bit of space away from the family and they will totally agree with me after all I am not talking about them how could I be ........... don't get me wrong I don't begrudge caring for them I just don't know how to get through to them I want a life too. A few months ago my doctor told me as my blood pressure was way up to tell them what she said which I did and they blamed everyone else who I might give a helping hand too as putting on me too much......... definitely not them..........
O.k. so beware I will be having a every now and again.. thank goodness I have found this site.
Cheers to all you carers out there.... oh yes my mum has just bought a scooter too so now I have both of them following me on my horse............................

hi there sophie thats ia brill job your doing but you do really need to time and space to yourself and with your hubby..like the other person says i know its hard but you do need to tuffen up abit and say hang on i need an hour on my own got to clear my head a bit!!! i know its very hard as they will go off in a sulk but all your time is dedicated to them and i know you love them dearly and i would to if it was my family i was looking after... i am a mobile carer and my work is hard enough travelling to see diferent people with allsorts of things in a daily life routine i have 2 horses and i find it hard doing a full day caring the home to do the house work and the tea for my children and then what little time i have left to see to my horses..... and i get very tired and full of emotions and find i just need that little space on my own just to chill out a bit... i love my hubby and my kids dearly and the people who i see every day...yer you get the odd groany one but there all fun and i love to help them most of mine are the elderly but i have just started to look after some one with sci recently and this is how i found this site as i want to learn more about the injury ... so hopefully i will have lots of responses love to you all xx

[mttb14]

Hi Sophie,

Give your horse a good kick in the sides and gallop as fast as his/her legs will go, find some hedges and jump them, they won't catch you on their scooters then.

Seriously, you have to be cruel to be kind, if they've both got scooter they can go out together. Give them a shopping list and send them off to buy the groceries, or to the library. It'll occupy them and give you some space.

Don't worry about them sulking and snapping, just tell them it is not up for discussion you love them both to bits, but you need some time on your own, personal needs and things. If you keep going as you are you'll end up needing a carer and where will you be then.

If you find it to hard to tell them, buy them a small present each, a symbol of your love (it doesn't have to be expensive) and write them a letter each. Give them one each at the end of the day, when they can read it on their own, express how you feel, as they say the written word really does sink in better than the spoken word, if they are in shock they can read it again, but at least they will know how you feel and they won't be able to interupt you and blame other people as you won't be there to argue with. If they are still sulking the following day, just ignore them until they stop sulking, I know it is easier said than done, but your sanity and health is at risk. Alternatively, can't you get the doctor to speak to them on your behalf if she is concerned about your health, she may also know about care in the community.

I would have murdered one of them by now, I need my own personal space on a regular basis. We have a pond in the garden, a bird table and I sit in the conservatory on my own just watching the birds or listening to the water, my own little piece of paradise.

Years ago I went to the doctors because I felt as if I was in a gold fish bowl watching the world go by, but I didn't feel as if I was in control, I felt like I had a band on top of my head pushing in. The doctor told me it was stress and that I needed to get rid of whatever was causing my stress. I went home and my partner at the time asked what was the matter with me, so I told him what the doctor had said, he asked what I thought was causing my stress, so I told him that it was him and that he had to go. He was less than amused, but it worked. Cruel to him, but to be kind to myself.

I know you love them, but they need you more than you need them, so they have no option but to listen to your wishes. Tell them you are one person not 4 or 5 and you can only do so much in a day, or you will suffer burn out. They are being selfish even if they don't realise, but they are both old enough to be told it straight. Isn't there any clubs in your area where either of them could go, hobbies etc.

Isn't there any care in the community who could come in for a few hours a day to help. In the UK they come in to give you an hour or two to yourself. It usually has to be paid for, but it is worth it.

I hope this helps as if you are happier in yourself, you all benefit.

Good luck.

Maria