Help
I am in a rough spot right now. My husband has been coming home the past few weekends from rehab. And it's really hard on him. And he takes it out on me. He says he wants a divorce because he doesn't know if he still loves me. But he's not sure, cause maybe he does. He doesn't want to come home again until home care can come in and do his cares and get him up and do all of the things I've been doing on the weekend. He doesn't want me to take care of him. And Iam totally ok with that. But he won't talk about other issues that we fight about and having homecare won't solve. How can I get him to talk to me so our marriage isn't competely ruined? Sometimes it feels like there's nothing I can do. I just can't take the fighting and the namecalling. I know anger is a phase he has to go through, but he says the divorce stuff isn't part of that. It may be something he genuinely wants but he doesn't know. HELP!!!!
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#1
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Posted 17 April 2006 - 04:49 PM
#2
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Posted 17 April 2006 - 07:20 PM
Hi MelissaB
really good to find another young woman from p.e.i Canada!
if you would like a chat or an email from me i would be very happy to do so. any support or help, i'm here if you'd like. you can say no-that's ok.
God Bless
Love
Laura
really good to find another young woman from p.e.i Canada!
if you would like a chat or an email from me i would be very happy to do so. any support or help, i'm here if you'd like. you can say no-that's ok.
God Bless
Love
Laura
#3
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Posted 19 April 2006 - 03:09 AM
Hi MelissaB
ouch! you ARE in a tough situation. I think you need to have a look at what YOU want. If you really want this marriage to work(and I think you do or you wouldnt be asking for help!!) I think you are going to have to give him time.
He has gone through a MASSIVE change to his life and no wonder he is confused! I agree... neither of you need the fighting or name calling, and he is going to have to work through this anger and sort out what he wants. Maybe deep down he is having doubts about himself and physically being able to match up to the man he was before he was injured. I dont know how to get him to talk....I would say give the whole relationship a rest without breaking up but if he is staying in rehab then you are already kind of doing that. give him time but also make sure you let him know that you still want him like he is now
ouch! you ARE in a tough situation. I think you need to have a look at what YOU want. If you really want this marriage to work(and I think you do or you wouldnt be asking for help!!) I think you are going to have to give him time.
He has gone through a MASSIVE change to his life and no wonder he is confused! I agree... neither of you need the fighting or name calling, and he is going to have to work through this anger and sort out what he wants. Maybe deep down he is having doubts about himself and physically being able to match up to the man he was before he was injured. I dont know how to get him to talk....I would say give the whole relationship a rest without breaking up but if he is staying in rehab then you are already kind of doing that. give him time but also make sure you let him know that you still want him like he is now
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Posted 28 April 2006 - 01:33 AM
Thanks Jilly, for your reply.
Thats kind of the thing because i tell him this is still what i want and I want to be with him - - but he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. And i can handle it if he doesn't. But then he's not sure and i don't want to just give up. He's coming home for good in two weeks and i can honestly say i am really uneasy about it. Like we fight on his two-day weekend passes how will we manage forever? I put this question to him and all he said was - we just won't fight any more. Like its that bloody easy! Gimme a break. I'm just stuck and he won't talk and i don't know what to do. Idont want to walk away because things might get better after we're home - - - but they might not too. Anyone have any advice.
Thats kind of the thing because i tell him this is still what i want and I want to be with him - - but he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. And i can handle it if he doesn't. But then he's not sure and i don't want to just give up. He's coming home for good in two weeks and i can honestly say i am really uneasy about it. Like we fight on his two-day weekend passes how will we manage forever? I put this question to him and all he said was - we just won't fight any more. Like its that bloody easy! Gimme a break. I'm just stuck and he won't talk and i don't know what to do. Idont want to walk away because things might get better after we're home - - - but they might not too. Anyone have any advice.
#5
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Posted 28 April 2006 - 03:26 PM
Hi Mellissa,
My husband has an incomplete spinal cord injury at C5/C6 and he is having really bad problems with his legs and arms, he can walk and use his arms, but it causes him chronic pain and really bad muscle spasms. He has never really been hospitalised for long but he has had several spells in hospital.
He has been told that he needs to be catheterised and we are awaiting the nurse to arrange it all. He has liver problems, and sexual problems and most of the time he says he feels less of a man. This has been a progressive injury and has been getting progressively worse over the past 8 years, and by the end of this year he is going to have to give in and use a wheel chair some of the time if not all of the time.
He has gone through all sorts of moods and been really snappy etc. I cannot tell you how to handle your relationship, but I can tell you how I deal with it. If he snaps at me I take the first few and then I basically say "I don't know who you think your speaking to, and I am leaving the room until you decide to speak to me properly, the way I speak to you", and if necessary I go into another room. If I go to do the dishes or wash the kitchen floor he knows he has really upset or annoyed me as neither are my favourite tasks.
When he had more bad news from the hospital last week, he told me I would be better off looking for someone else who can do all the things I can do, and to have children with, etc, etc. I just said I love you so much and I married you, the whole of you not the bits that can have sex, or carry the shopping, and walk etc, etc. He comes out with things like I'm just a useless bag of bones who is being able to do less and less, and getting worse and the pain is getting more unbearable, what do you want to stay with me for.
I tell him that if I was ill and it was me not him, I would hope his love for me went past all of them things like my love for him does, we are much better now, we give one another lots of hugs, we both cry together but most importantly we laugh, hug, kiss, cuddle and talk to one another. He has been recalled because of liver problems due to tablets and he looked so despondent yesterday I felt really sorry for him and I just said do you want a hug and he just nodded. He is 6 ft and was really into weights, push-up and was a butcher and slaughter man so he was really fit and strong and he just finds this all so frustrating that he cannot do the things he could before, plus his identical twin is still really strong and full of muscles so he sees how he used to look.
It is a man thing to think they should be the bread winner and able to do all the manly things, but I actually prefer the person he is now to the one he was then, we are much closer, we talk more and about a lot more things without the embarressment, when you have to rely on one another and you get past the anger and snapping and self doubt you can built up a new better relationship. We both still get frightened by what we don't know or understand about this complex injury, but we now deal with everything together.
One of the things John found hardest to cope with is the tablets, taking 13 tablets in the morning, 7 at lunchtime, 7 at tea time and another 11 in the evening. He absolutely moans and groans all the time about all of the pills and the fact that he needs them all just to function and to try and ease the muscle spasms, and I just calmly put them ready for him, but I always take any tablets I need at the same time as he takes his, it is only a small thing of solidarity, but it helps him.
Remember, it takes 2 or more people to argue, and if you can find a way of not arguing back it helps calm the situation. I use lavender oil around the house and I have found lemon balm and other relaxing herbal pills and oils help give a calming feel to the house and to me. Find a spot which makes you feel calm and go there when you can, we have a pond in the garden and I sit listening to the water or watching our fish, it is something so minor, but it really helps me.
Try and help him find an interest or introduce him to this site, knowing that there are so many other people in this same situation does help, there is also a page on this forum which describes To People Without Chronic Pain what a day with Chronic Pain feels like, I have printed it off and shown it to loads of people just in the hope that it makes them more aware, including doctors and solicitors, etc.
Maybe, he thinks he is doing you a favour in his mind, saying he wants a divorce, he thinks he is freeing you from a life with a disabled man, who is not the man you married. But he is the man you married, the outer body is just a shell, you married the person, not the body. Ask him if he would leave you if you had been the one to have the injury, or if he would have stopped loving you, and maybe that will make him realise that you are in it for the long haul and you still see him as the man you married and love. By the way I know it is not easy, it took us a while, but we got there in the end, even though he still comes out with comments like what are you staying with me for, etc etc.
His twin and he were both a bit big headed and they were both womanisers, my husband now realises what is important in live, but his twin is still a bit of a big head, thinks he's gods gift to women, and his wife is always worrying about the risk of him carrying on, so I know whose live I prefer, they might have their health, but their relationship is far rockier than ours. We only got married 3 years ago, so I knew what the sickness part of the vows meant as I had already had 5 years of this injury to cope with. On our wedding night his twin offered to stand in sexually if my husband couldn't manage, then or in the future. My husband did manage and occassionally still does, but we have definately learnt that there are more important things to a relationship than sex. I told my husband about his brother and we both just pittied his wife, so when they probably look at us and feel sorry for us, we feel far more sorry for them.
Anyway, if ever you want to email me my email address is mttb14@lineone.net I know how much it helps to be able to talk to people who actually understand. My dad was also injured in an accident when I was 6 and he was 75% disabled, he used to snap at us, but when he needed anything doing, it was always us or my mother he wanted to do what ever the task was, and mostly my mother would be doing it while being snapped at. I think that taught me to be able to walk away or to say, stop snapping at me, its not my fault and I haven't done anything wrong.
I have also found cards printed with verse which say things that you couldn't think to say yourself and I just give them to John before I'm going somewhere or for him to find, and it makes him realise that I love him.
Well I hope it helps to have read this, but remember it takes 2 to argue, so if you don't, he can't.
Unless he argues with himself, but I expect the biggest thing is that he is scared stiff by what the future holds and he feels he is holding you back as well.
Good luck, we all need it.
Maria.
My husband has an incomplete spinal cord injury at C5/C6 and he is having really bad problems with his legs and arms, he can walk and use his arms, but it causes him chronic pain and really bad muscle spasms. He has never really been hospitalised for long but he has had several spells in hospital.
He has been told that he needs to be catheterised and we are awaiting the nurse to arrange it all. He has liver problems, and sexual problems and most of the time he says he feels less of a man. This has been a progressive injury and has been getting progressively worse over the past 8 years, and by the end of this year he is going to have to give in and use a wheel chair some of the time if not all of the time.
He has gone through all sorts of moods and been really snappy etc. I cannot tell you how to handle your relationship, but I can tell you how I deal with it. If he snaps at me I take the first few and then I basically say "I don't know who you think your speaking to, and I am leaving the room until you decide to speak to me properly, the way I speak to you", and if necessary I go into another room. If I go to do the dishes or wash the kitchen floor he knows he has really upset or annoyed me as neither are my favourite tasks.
When he had more bad news from the hospital last week, he told me I would be better off looking for someone else who can do all the things I can do, and to have children with, etc, etc. I just said I love you so much and I married you, the whole of you not the bits that can have sex, or carry the shopping, and walk etc, etc. He comes out with things like I'm just a useless bag of bones who is being able to do less and less, and getting worse and the pain is getting more unbearable, what do you want to stay with me for.
I tell him that if I was ill and it was me not him, I would hope his love for me went past all of them things like my love for him does, we are much better now, we give one another lots of hugs, we both cry together but most importantly we laugh, hug, kiss, cuddle and talk to one another. He has been recalled because of liver problems due to tablets and he looked so despondent yesterday I felt really sorry for him and I just said do you want a hug and he just nodded. He is 6 ft and was really into weights, push-up and was a butcher and slaughter man so he was really fit and strong and he just finds this all so frustrating that he cannot do the things he could before, plus his identical twin is still really strong and full of muscles so he sees how he used to look.
It is a man thing to think they should be the bread winner and able to do all the manly things, but I actually prefer the person he is now to the one he was then, we are much closer, we talk more and about a lot more things without the embarressment, when you have to rely on one another and you get past the anger and snapping and self doubt you can built up a new better relationship. We both still get frightened by what we don't know or understand about this complex injury, but we now deal with everything together.
One of the things John found hardest to cope with is the tablets, taking 13 tablets in the morning, 7 at lunchtime, 7 at tea time and another 11 in the evening. He absolutely moans and groans all the time about all of the pills and the fact that he needs them all just to function and to try and ease the muscle spasms, and I just calmly put them ready for him, but I always take any tablets I need at the same time as he takes his, it is only a small thing of solidarity, but it helps him.
Remember, it takes 2 or more people to argue, and if you can find a way of not arguing back it helps calm the situation. I use lavender oil around the house and I have found lemon balm and other relaxing herbal pills and oils help give a calming feel to the house and to me. Find a spot which makes you feel calm and go there when you can, we have a pond in the garden and I sit listening to the water or watching our fish, it is something so minor, but it really helps me.
Try and help him find an interest or introduce him to this site, knowing that there are so many other people in this same situation does help, there is also a page on this forum which describes To People Without Chronic Pain what a day with Chronic Pain feels like, I have printed it off and shown it to loads of people just in the hope that it makes them more aware, including doctors and solicitors, etc.
Maybe, he thinks he is doing you a favour in his mind, saying he wants a divorce, he thinks he is freeing you from a life with a disabled man, who is not the man you married. But he is the man you married, the outer body is just a shell, you married the person, not the body. Ask him if he would leave you if you had been the one to have the injury, or if he would have stopped loving you, and maybe that will make him realise that you are in it for the long haul and you still see him as the man you married and love. By the way I know it is not easy, it took us a while, but we got there in the end, even though he still comes out with comments like what are you staying with me for, etc etc.
His twin and he were both a bit big headed and they were both womanisers, my husband now realises what is important in live, but his twin is still a bit of a big head, thinks he's gods gift to women, and his wife is always worrying about the risk of him carrying on, so I know whose live I prefer, they might have their health, but their relationship is far rockier than ours. We only got married 3 years ago, so I knew what the sickness part of the vows meant as I had already had 5 years of this injury to cope with. On our wedding night his twin offered to stand in sexually if my husband couldn't manage, then or in the future. My husband did manage and occassionally still does, but we have definately learnt that there are more important things to a relationship than sex. I told my husband about his brother and we both just pittied his wife, so when they probably look at us and feel sorry for us, we feel far more sorry for them.
Anyway, if ever you want to email me my email address is mttb14@lineone.net I know how much it helps to be able to talk to people who actually understand. My dad was also injured in an accident when I was 6 and he was 75% disabled, he used to snap at us, but when he needed anything doing, it was always us or my mother he wanted to do what ever the task was, and mostly my mother would be doing it while being snapped at. I think that taught me to be able to walk away or to say, stop snapping at me, its not my fault and I haven't done anything wrong.
I have also found cards printed with verse which say things that you couldn't think to say yourself and I just give them to John before I'm going somewhere or for him to find, and it makes him realise that I love him.
Well I hope it helps to have read this, but remember it takes 2 to argue, so if you don't, he can't.
Unless he argues with himself, but I expect the biggest thing is that he is scared stiff by what the future holds and he feels he is holding you back as well.Good luck, we all need it.
Maria.
Wife of an incomplete SCI - level C5/6 - accident lifting boards above his head in work caused popping sensation in his neck and this was the result. He uses a wheelchair part of the time.
Never say never, and definately do not quit, its usually worth the trying in the end.
Never say never, and definately do not quit, its usually worth the trying in the end.
#6
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Posted 30 April 2006 - 02:20 AM
my husband is a c 6,7 and i can tell you when he first got hurt he was mad and yes it all came my way
maybe your husband is trying to prepear himselve if you leave i know my husband thought forsure that i
was going to walk out the door when he came home if you two had a loving marrage before he got hurt hang in there and when the fighting and naming calling start just be quit and tell him how much you love him
and remind him that you are not going anywhere and thign WILL GET BETTER if you would like to e-mail me feel free! i hope things get easier for you
maybe your husband is trying to prepear himselve if you leave i know my husband thought forsure that i
was going to walk out the door when he came home if you two had a loving marrage before he got hurt hang in there and when the fighting and naming calling start just be quit and tell him how much you love him
and remind him that you are not going anywhere and thign WILL GET BETTER if you would like to e-mail me feel free! i hope things get easier for you
This post has been edited by jockey97: 30 April 2006 - 02:20 AM
#7
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Posted 30 April 2006 - 10:04 PM
Hi,
When he comes home and you build a routine together, and you help one another adjust to this new stage of your marriage, try to still treat him in the way you did before the accident in as many ways as you can so that he stills sees he has a role to play as the husband.
Ask his opinion about everyday things, and try to include him in as many things as you can, men still like to feel like they are the head of the household, even though we know they never ever are. but it doesn't hurt to let them think they are.
He is probably wondering where the hell he fits into life, his and yours, he is probably scared stiff and so are you, which makes you both tense. His temper will flare, imagine how you would feel if it was you.
I always try to remain cuddling John even when he is having the spasms in the night, the really strong spasms frighten us both, but I try to keep the contact with him, I don't want him to feel that they repulse me, I want him to feel secure at a time when he feels really unsecure. It doesn't matter how many spasms he has, he still finds the really strong once hard to cope with. His body doesn't feel like it belongs to him as he has no control over them.
Hope this helps and I hope that when he comes home you an both pull together and deal with all of this as a couple. This really tests the sickness part of your wedding vows.
Maria
When he comes home and you build a routine together, and you help one another adjust to this new stage of your marriage, try to still treat him in the way you did before the accident in as many ways as you can so that he stills sees he has a role to play as the husband.
Ask his opinion about everyday things, and try to include him in as many things as you can, men still like to feel like they are the head of the household, even though we know they never ever are. but it doesn't hurt to let them think they are.
He is probably wondering where the hell he fits into life, his and yours, he is probably scared stiff and so are you, which makes you both tense. His temper will flare, imagine how you would feel if it was you.
I always try to remain cuddling John even when he is having the spasms in the night, the really strong spasms frighten us both, but I try to keep the contact with him, I don't want him to feel that they repulse me, I want him to feel secure at a time when he feels really unsecure. It doesn't matter how many spasms he has, he still finds the really strong once hard to cope with. His body doesn't feel like it belongs to him as he has no control over them.
Hope this helps and I hope that when he comes home you an both pull together and deal with all of this as a couple. This really tests the sickness part of your wedding vows.
Maria
Wife of an incomplete SCI - level C5/6 - accident lifting boards above his head in work caused popping sensation in his neck and this was the result. He uses a wheelchair part of the time.
Never say never, and definately do not quit, its usually worth the trying in the end.
Never say never, and definately do not quit, its usually worth the trying in the end.
#8
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Posted 04 May 2006 - 04:04 PM
mttb14, on Apr 30 2006, 10:04 PM, said:
Hi,
When he comes home and you build a routine together, and you help one another adjust to this new stage of your marriage, try to still treat him in the way you did before the accident in as many ways as you can so that he stills sees he has a role to play as the husband.
Ask his opinion about everyday things, and try to include him in as many things as you can, men still like to feel like they are the head of the household, even though we know they never ever are. but it doesn't hurt to let them think they are.
He is probably wondering where the hell he fits into life, his and yours, he is probably scared stiff and so are you, which makes you both tense. His temper will flare, imagine how you would feel if it was you.
I always try to remain cuddling John even when he is having the spasms in the night, the really strong spasms frighten us both, but I try to keep the contact with him, I don't want him to feel that they repulse me, I want him to feel secure at a time when he feels really unsecure. It doesn't matter how many spasms he has, he still finds the really strong once hard to cope with. His body doesn't feel like it belongs to him as he has no control over them.
Hope this helps and I hope that when he comes home you an both pull together and deal with all of this as a couple. This really tests the sickness part of your wedding vows.
Maria
When he comes home and you build a routine together, and you help one another adjust to this new stage of your marriage, try to still treat him in the way you did before the accident in as many ways as you can so that he stills sees he has a role to play as the husband.
Ask his opinion about everyday things, and try to include him in as many things as you can, men still like to feel like they are the head of the household, even though we know they never ever are. but it doesn't hurt to let them think they are.
He is probably wondering where the hell he fits into life, his and yours, he is probably scared stiff and so are you, which makes you both tense. His temper will flare, imagine how you would feel if it was you.
I always try to remain cuddling John even when he is having the spasms in the night, the really strong spasms frighten us both, but I try to keep the contact with him, I don't want him to feel that they repulse me, I want him to feel secure at a time when he feels really unsecure. It doesn't matter how many spasms he has, he still finds the really strong once hard to cope with. His body doesn't feel like it belongs to him as he has no control over them.
Hope this helps and I hope that when he comes home you an both pull together and deal with all of this as a couple. This really tests the sickness part of your wedding vows.
Maria
#9 *LoraB*
Posted 04 May 2006 - 07:05 PM
Hi Melissa..
You are in a tough situation.. some years ago the rate of marriage breakdown for couples with a sci partner was very high and I don't suppose it has got any better.There are so many things for him to learn to cope with that lashing out may be the only way he can regain some "control".
I met my husband in a sci unit so I thought I knew what to expect also he wasn't a new lesion but I saw many heartbreaking senarios.....
Both of you are taking a journey on uncharted territory, I hope it works out.
Lo
You are in a tough situation.. some years ago the rate of marriage breakdown for couples with a sci partner was very high and I don't suppose it has got any better.There are so many things for him to learn to cope with that lashing out may be the only way he can regain some "control".
I met my husband in a sci unit so I thought I knew what to expect also he wasn't a new lesion but I saw many heartbreaking senarios.....
Both of you are taking a journey on uncharted territory, I hope it works out.
Lo
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Posted 05 May 2006 - 04:01 PM
Hi Melissa,
I feel exactly where you are coming from, I don't have any advice, we just need to remember, when people are upset they take it out on the ones they love the most.
I have lost count of the times Michael tells me he hates me and doesn't love me, wants to be on his own etc. I've cried so many times.
But we always have happy memories, and we have love which will get us through xxxxx
I feel exactly where you are coming from, I don't have any advice, we just need to remember, when people are upset they take it out on the ones they love the most.
I have lost count of the times Michael tells me he hates me and doesn't love me, wants to be on his own etc. I've cried so many times.
But we always have happy memories, and we have love which will get us through xxxxx
#11
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Posted 06 May 2006 - 10:32 PM
Hello again and thank you all for your support. I love my husband more than anything and I keep telling him (and myself) that in a year all of this will be a memory and we'll be all right. Just knowing that we aren't the first couple to go through and get through this really helps. He's home again this weekend and so far so good. Thanks again, I really appreciate the advice and the hope . . . Melissa
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Posted 07 May 2006 - 07:43 AM
Hi Mellissa,
Glad everything is going well so far this weekend, as I said previously, if he starts looking for an arguement don't argue back and then there is no arguement, as he cannot argue with himself.
Try and do some of the things you used to enjoy doing before, talk about the things you used to and try not to just focus on the injury and results of it. You could always introduce him to this site, just delete/edit anything you may have posted that he won't appreciate reading. If it has helped you it could help him and give him a life line, and also show him how everyone has come out the otherside and are still in fighting form, even if they have their off days or feel like screaming in their head.
My husband is sea fishing mad, he struggles to go and where as he used to go 3 times a week he is now lucky to go twice a month. He goes with my brother and between them they have worked out their own system to enable John to still participate. They go to easily accessible place, and if there is a fish on and John cannot real in, Carl does it for him etc etc.
John is also Chairman of the Corus Sea Angling Club, (I'm the unpaid Secretary)
and they hold a meeting once a month, he finds just being there with all the boys talking about fishing, (that is the main topic of conversation in our house) he can forget his worries and pain for a few hours.
Any way, good luck and I hope it continues to get better.
Maria
Glad everything is going well so far this weekend, as I said previously, if he starts looking for an arguement don't argue back and then there is no arguement, as he cannot argue with himself.
Try and do some of the things you used to enjoy doing before, talk about the things you used to and try not to just focus on the injury and results of it. You could always introduce him to this site, just delete/edit anything you may have posted that he won't appreciate reading. If it has helped you it could help him and give him a life line, and also show him how everyone has come out the otherside and are still in fighting form, even if they have their off days or feel like screaming in their head.
My husband is sea fishing mad, he struggles to go and where as he used to go 3 times a week he is now lucky to go twice a month. He goes with my brother and between them they have worked out their own system to enable John to still participate. They go to easily accessible place, and if there is a fish on and John cannot real in, Carl does it for him etc etc.
John is also Chairman of the Corus Sea Angling Club, (I'm the unpaid Secretary)
and they hold a meeting once a month, he finds just being there with all the boys talking about fishing, (that is the main topic of conversation in our house) he can forget his worries and pain for a few hours.Any way, good luck and I hope it continues to get better.
Maria
Wife of an incomplete SCI - level C5/6 - accident lifting boards above his head in work caused popping sensation in his neck and this was the result. He uses a wheelchair part of the time.
Never say never, and definately do not quit, its usually worth the trying in the end.
Never say never, and definately do not quit, its usually worth the trying in the end.
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