12 replies to this topic

[1positivethinker]

I am a parent of 2 children...one age 10 the other age 8. When my children were little, they had no issues with my disability....as they have gotten older, I find that they are less and less tolerant. I know that attitudes have a lot to do with it, as they have gotten older their attitudes have become a problem as they are exposed to more and more bad things in the world.

My son asked me just a few months ago...."When will your back be fixed so you can roller skate and play with us like everyone else does?" Wow, he's the 8 year old..how do you explain it to him so he will understand that mommy will never be "fixed"? I thought that since they have grown up "understanding" that it would be easy, but as they have become more independant and I less....they don't seem as accepting.

I think I have hit a major low point in my life as parenting went from enjoyable to a chore....I am stressed out all the time....but, that's a whole other topic.

I don't really think there is an answer.....I just wish things could be different.

[jenny407]

Hi Christie,

(I suppose that is your name?)
I'm writing as an AB - sorry - but also as a mother of two children (by now aged 19 and 14, so a bit older than yours). Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time right now.

I'm not so sure this kind of phase with your kids has mainly got to do with your SCI (which is why I answer). (My SCI friend has no children.) I also find that at a certain point, children tend to be much more critical and, well, "difficult" and demanding. I would try to explain things as openly as possible to them. And if you can, try to react with humour and calmness. After a few years, your relationship with your children will - in all probability - be much easier again. But during those years (a little later, there will be puberty - it has been called "temporary insanity", and believe me, it is!), you need a lot of patience and self-confidence.

I wish you all those "nerves of steel" and an extra package of humour to go along!
Jenny

[mellowgator]

hi christie,

i am the mother of 2 teenaged daughters and i carried them post injury so a sci mom is all they've known. they know why i'm in a chair and i told them when they were young about my accident and how i hurt my spinal cord and what the cord does and how i hope to walk again but if it doesn't happen i'm still happy.

when the girls were small they were sort of proud of the chair. their friends used to like to push me and were amazed by how when i picked them up from school my van kneels and the ramp comes down by pushing a button.

when my oldest daughter was in 7th grade she asked me to pick her up at the side of her school so no one would see my lift. i didn't take it personally. i remember 7th grade well and didn't mind helping. i've always been active in school so most of the beachside kids are used to me. but i guess it was stranger when they went to junior high and several elementary schools merged.

now at hs only 1 in 8 of the kids know me. but usually someone does and i get a hi mrs greer or often a hug.

i think your kids are just growing up and if they didn't understand before maybe you can explain it better to them now.

i have a service dop which i've taken to all the schools in order to show what we're about and trying to educate the childen on disability. how i'm a mom just like they have and the cool stuff our dogs do to help us.

i wish the kids could of stayed those cute ages before they started talking back and questioning my authority. but it's nothing to do with your w-c. it's their age. it does get harder when they are teens. i laid my foundation with them early and i know how to get their attention. i just take away their cell phone. talking about the ultimate punishment. it works for me.

my theory is that God made them so cute and loveable at first so we would bond with them. because the tween and teen years are rough.

good luck,

mellowgator

[1positivethinker]

Yes, hello...my name is Christie and I am pleased to make your aquaintance!

Ah ha, temporary insanity...is that what it is?!?

I figure that this is a phase they are going through, fighting, arguing, disagreeing with everything I say or do......and suddenly not understanding that mom can't do everything they want me to do nor do everything for them that they ask me to do. I have taught them from a very very young age to do things for themselves, but they refuse to do so as they get older. Life is complicated, no doubt about it.....too bad there isn't an "easy button" for life!

[1positivethinker]

Hi mellowgator....

I decorate my chairs with sparkles and such, doing unique things because it's one way (besides odd shoes and purses) that I express my unique side. The kids love showing off my chair to strangers.....so I realize they have no issue with that (for now)...

It bothers me so much when my son gets upset when we tell him "we can't do such-n-such because mommy can't". You would think that he would be used to it by now. I feel like I ruin their plans or day by not being able to participate in the things they enjoy. Guess I feel like I'm in the way of their happiness all of a sudden.

I was injured in 1986....I have never been depressed, never felt bad for myself, just went with the flow......but, life has really taken it's toll on me in the last 10 years or so, and I guess I have finally hit my lowest of lows. The kids haven't helped my mood any.....I am ready to ship them to China!

[jenny407]

Hi Christie,

"ship them to China"! lol! Yes, exactly - I used to have times when I was crying out: "I'll go to Australia! ALONE!!" (Aussies, you see how I love your country. Well actually - just far, far away ...) It was a joke, and they knew it, but ... a grain of truth in it. It does get better, honest. Just the other day, my daughter said to me: "Isn't it crazy how well we get on now?"

Puberty or pre-puberty: I also liked the way mellow wrote about it. Teenage children often feel embarrassed about their parents - SCI or not, pretty mums or not, intelligent or stupid - it doesn't matter, it's their parents! It is harder when you're SCI but mellow wrote very nicely she managed not to take it personally. Not easy, though.

Your kids complaining: They do. Life is awful for them at that age (it seems ;) ): hard, unjust, unfair, boring, terrible, unsupportable ... Hey Christie, how we all survived it? What they definitely lack (has been proved in scientific tests) is understanding how the other person feels. My son, being more blunt, used to ask: "Are you angry now? Did that upset you?" At strange moments: sometimes I was furious (I mean, Christie, I do show ...), sometimes I was totally calm. I always tried to give a clear answer: furious because ..., not furious ... (Like talking to an alien. lol) My daughter was terrible; we used to be in tears, both of us. Well, not always. We also had good laughs. Just ups and downs ...

No, Christie, it is in no way your fault. Raising children is an adventure: beautiful, rewarding, challenging, tough ... In the end, I'm convinced it's worth all the effort it takes. Not everybody agrees but I think that's why often people who have kids are more ... tolerant, open, perhaps. Not always, but pretty often.

Feel free to pm me or meet me in the chat some time. I saw you were in the chat the other day but I didn't have time at that moment. Big hugs from one (stressed-out but damn proud) mum to another!
Jenny


Edit: just saw your sentence: "they (now) refuse to do things". Mine always wanted to put stuff into the dish-washer when they were little. I told my pupils. They said: "Don't worry. They'll stop wanting to do it as soon as they really CAN do it." Quite right. lol

Edited by jenny407, 09 July 2010 - 07:16 AM.

[1positivethinker]

Thank you to all for the encouragement....I'm sure I'll survive this phase as I have all the rest.....just feel as if this one is dragging on forever lol

[mellowgator]

1positivethinker, on 08 July 2010 - 08:39 PM, said:

Hi mellowgator....

I decorate my chairs with sparkles and such, doing unique things because it's one way (besides odd shoes and purses) that I express my unique side. The kids love showing off my chair to strangers.....so I realize they have no issue with that (for now)...

It bothers me so much when my son gets upset when we tell him "we can't do such-n-such because mommy can't". You would think that he would be used to it by now. I feel like I ruin their plans or day by not being able to participate in the things they enjoy. Guess I feel like I'm in the way of their happiness all of a sudden.

I was injured in 1986....I have never been depressed, never felt bad for myself, just went with the flow......but, life has really taken it's toll on me in the last 10 years or so, and I guess I have finally hit my lowest of lows. The kids haven't helped my mood any.....I am ready to ship them to China!

christie,

sorry i haven't responded to your post sooner. my bad!

when my children were 8 and 10 ( the good old days) there were events like skating that we would go to. i used to roll around the rink in my chair and spin around with the music. there were some activites i couldn't do with them. often my husband would pick up my slack or i would let them go with their friends and their moms. i'm sorry you son is throwing this up in your face. as a family we go boating together. that's our activity that all of us really enjoy. we all snow ski together each year. we have been on some great snorkeling trips together. i have a pool with a lift so i swim with them when possible. my kids are girls so they like to shop and have pericures with me. i imaging having boys especially would be uber hard from a w-c. my hat is off to you.

i was also injured in 1986. that was a great year wasn't it! don't let these boys get you down. you can work out ways for them to do the things you can't. i got extender wheels on my chair so i can go over terrain to watch their soccer matches and that's been a big help.

if you love your children and spend time doing enjoyable activites you certainly aren't causing them unhappiness. can't your husband do the more physical activites them? i was friends with my kid's friend's parents and they helped me out a lot.

pm me anytime.

mellowgator

[1positivethinker]

I have gone to the roller skating rink with the kids and gone out with them....that is fun...but we haven't done that in months since I had rotator cuff issues and then surgery. Getting out to do much lately has been a chore since my shoulder surgery, I am hoping a few more months and I can get somewhat back to normal. We like to play frisbee and I do play basketball with them (when my shoulder isn't so painful). I can whoop their butts in basketball lol I wish there was a team around here for me to play on, but unfortunately that's one of the things that living here lacks....btw, I am the only person in a w/c in a 30 mile radius....kinda sucks cause no one around here understands!!!


We have been talking about getting a pool, but so far all it has been is talk talk talk. Really don't think it's going to happen at this point, seeing that we started talking 5 years ago about it and haven't seen a single move in the right direction lol Of course, I would have to be the one to maintain it since my husband is rarely around.

[Brazen]

Hi,

I have a 9yr old son.. He was 5 when I got my chair. It was a hard time for him and over the years he still tells me he hopes my legs work again. I have always been honest with him about my injury. I think all you can do is let them know that it's okay to be angry and sad. And that you feel that way to. But you can't change how things are. But you can help him understand why. And that your always here to talk if they need to. But don't give in to them and let them know that no matter how angry or upset they are, It's not okay to treat you wrong.. stay firm or they'll use this as a really good tool... Your more than welcome to add me as a friend. I'm a mom in a chair..also I worked in child care for 6yrs... write anytime..

[Cal86]

I'm harbouring the same kinda concerns about my boy. He's 5, well brought up, been me and him since day 1. I'm worried incase he'll stop respecting me and will change and not be the little boy I brought him up to be. Any way of eliminating these worries?

[Tetracyclone]

They just hit that age where their attention moves out into the world and they cannot process the differences easily. That was the age my daughter person decided she could not be seen with me in shorts because I did not shave my legs.

[Vanessamaee]

I think as a teenager in a chair I can kind of relate to this. I remember when I was in elementary school my dad would come eat lunch with me every wednesday adn it was the coolest thing ever! all the kids were jealous and everyone knew him. He was also the coach of all my little league sports I played in and was even the president of the youth recreational sports program in my town. As I got into middle school he would come have lunch but instead of eating the schools food he would bring a pizza or something for my table, he did this about once a month and it was also, really cool. Then in junior high I remember telling him "Its ok if you dont want to come have lunch anymore" implying that I really didnt want him to come anymore (this was around 7-8th grade) he was totally heart broken. But its one of those things that as kids grow up, we want more independence and less of our parents. I moved out of my house as soon as I turned 16. I payed for my own car insurance (and truck), my own gas, my own food, did my own laundry etc. and I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 other people. I didnt have anything against my parents, well not my dad, but I wanted to be independent. I got injured right before I turned 17 and all of the sudden became fully dependent (only for a couple months) again. It fixed ties with my parents (with my mom more exactly) but It's still the same old, what 17 year old wants to be driven around by their paretns etc. that probably why I got back to being independent so fast. My sister is now in her 30's (yes a huge age difference) and she even told me that when were little, we love our parents and dont want to be seperated, as we get older we grow farther away, and then once you get old enough to realize your parents were right about everything, you become close again. (: