46 replies to this topic

[DellFan]

So, yesterday I was shopping with my mom and this lady is looking at me all funny, I ignore her then out of nowhere she says "you been in the chair long?" and I'm like yeah, all my life and she's like "oh so you never knew anything different (insert sad tone here)" and I'm like no.... and then she says "so, when you dream do you have a chair?" By this time I'm getting kind of pissed and so I rolling away and saying not usually and she says "so I bet you wish you wouldn't wake up?" Now by this time I'm JUST PISSED and I was like I'm good on waking up thanks and she's like "Oh my husband is in a chair." I rolled away like wtf? I realize people are curious but for one, if your husband is in a chair so you should know how to act and for two that's not even a normal line of question plus it was an employee of the store! Am I wrong to be kind of upset?

[S&W Winger]

She probably thought she was engaging you in meaningful conversation...I'd be annoyed also, but at least she tried to get beyond the usual niceties and into the meat of a conversation... I sort of have ambivalent feelings on your encounter...like she tried but failed miserably...so "E" for effort, "F" for leaving you feeling pissed off and frustrated with the meeting...Was she at least conscious of your reaction??? Some people just yap without being aware of the impact of their words...hope the next person you run into will be brighter, err, or you could literally run into them....

[Beautiful]

To be completely honest, I don't think it was a big deal.

I was at a graduation party the other week, and the graduates grandfather has parkinsons disease. He has a hunchback and needs a cane to walk. He came up to me and said "hey cripple. How ya doing?" I was caught off guard for a second, but I know he didn't mean any harm, and when he grew up, that is most likely what he knew "us" as. I just smiled sweetly and said "great, how are you?"

Another thing to think about is what if she is just trying to find someone she thinks her husband could relate to? What if she has never met anyone in a wheelchair before, so she doesn't know much about how he actually feels?

I've never met anyone with scars like mine, but my sister's best friend has a huge one on her arm. So, not knowing who I could relate to, one day I just asked "so... can I see your scar?" and "does it ever bother you?" Maybe her husband doesn't open up, and she just wanted someone else's insight.

I can see why you got upset, though.

[M@Y]

If someone's questions bother you... sure get upset each to his own

personally that scenario wouldn't bother me

[StillFingers]

At least she engaged in conversation, even an awkward one, most people just stare.

Her speaking to you actually spoke volumes...she trusted you enough to do so!
Not everyone sees you as a poor cripple...but as a human being.
She saw your struggle, just as she does her husband's...common ground, she possibly hoped to share!
Her questions/responses were personal/intimate in nature, not of ignorance.

Not all only see our hardware, they try their best to reach out...this is a good thing; is rare...

Edited by StillFingers, 17 July 2010 - 03:16 PM.

[Rotarymotion]

[quote name= Am I wrong to be kind of upset?
[/quote]

Well, if so I'm sometimes wrong too. I don't mind children asking questions and they don't ask me personal questions, but I do resent adults, who don't even know me, asking personal questions.

It could be worse though. I'm a middle-aged fellow and I've been patted on the head on three separate occasions. The first two times I was so shocked I was speechless. The third time it happened (I was queuing in a post-office) I practically exploded and yelled "I'm not a dog, you don't have to pat me". Perhaps not the best thing I could have said, but it was the first thing that came into my mind and I was determined to say something. I was really angry that a complete stranger thought it ok to violate my personal space. Presumably just because I was sitting in a wheelchair.

OK, rant over, but it did really get to me. Can anyone think of a better comment I should have made?

[quadinva]

I personally would rather "grin and bear" the awkward conversations in order to remain approachable by anybody. Every bushel has a couple bad apples. Its worth enduring the bad convos because there are so many good convos to be had.

-Bags-

[S&W Winger]

Rotarymotion, on 17 July 2010 - 07:15 PM, said:

Well, if so I'm sometimes wrong too. I don't mind children asking questions and they don't ask me personal questions, but I do resent adults, who don't even know me, asking personal questions.

It could be worse though. I'm a middle-aged fellow and I've been patted on the head on three separate occasions. The first two times I was so shocked I was speechless. The third time it happened (I was queuing in a post-office) I practically exploded and yelled "I'm not a dog, you don't have to pat me". Perhaps not the best thing I could have said, but it was the first thing that came into my mind and I was determined to say something. I was really angry that a complete stranger thought it ok to violate my personal space. Presumably just because I was sitting in a wheelchair.

OK, rant over, but it did really get to me. Can anyone think of a better comment I should have made?

Whoa!!! Sure do understand that rant! I had a nurse pat my head at the wound specialist office! That was the very last time she will ever do that again! I laced into her with everything I had...and it being fairly early on in my release from the six month hospital stays, I had a lot of venting pent up! She received it all over that pat!


As far as the original post: been thinking and still think she was just trying very hard to really speak with you...rather than how's the weather, bet you can spot a lot of pennies down there, or giving you a pat on the head...she actually spoke with you...not AT you, or down to you...there is an edge of annoyance I still feel, but it dissipates when I compare to other encounters posted and my own...

[quadinva]

Geez...disregard my post if 'head patting' is involved...ive never been patte but boy if i do, look out

[Ches]

If she had asked me that I wouldve gone into a 2 hr rant about my latest dreams, no concern of the chair or not. Had it been a guy asking you about motorcycles or something you probably wouldnt have cared.. Its all in perception.
And I dont think the part not wanting to wake up was to diss your daily life, but more to emphasize the ease a dream has versus real life in a chair.

[JimG]

Beautiful, on 17 July 2010 - 09:32 AM, said:

I was at a graduation party the other week, and the graduates grandfather has parkinsons disease. He has a hunchback and needs a cane to walk. He came up to me and said "hey cripple. How ya doing?" I was caught off guard for a second, but I know he didn't mean any harm, and when he grew up, that is most likely what he knew "us" as. I just smiled sweetly and said "great, how are you?"

I've actually gone up to someone on crutches when I'm on mine and asked....."so, is there a good story?" and started up a conversation with them.


As far as that question and the OP's.....

Their intentions were noble and that's what you have to look at.

As others have said.....better that than being stared at.

(though when people do that to me, I always surprise them by smiling and greeting them.

[DellFan]

Yeah, I guess the points made here are true. What bothered me was, she cotinued to ask personal questions even after I made it clear I wasn't enjoying the conversation. In the heat of the moment, it really bothered me what she said about not waking up but, I guess people are people and it is what it is.

[AussieBrad]

If you don't like the conversation just tell them to piss off and roll away..easy
or you could just start asking them personal questions and see how they like it..

[amyW]

DH is a quad in a power wheelchair. I use a cane and walk with great difficulty and a lot of pain. We went out to dinner a few nights ago, and entering the restaurant, there was a group of 4 older people right behind us. Of that group, one was using a walker and one was using a cane. I was shocked to hear one of them say (referring to DH's chair) "Those scooters are really fashionable these days". It was all I could do to control myself and not whack them with my cane and spew out "It's not a fashion statement!"

[amyW]

deb4604, on 18 July 2010 - 05:55 PM, said:

I was at a birthday party yesterday and last night my bf's mother told us that someone at the party said...."your son's a great guy and all, but why would anyone want to date someone in a wheelchair and Debbie's so pretty, she could have any guy she wants"
WTF! People in wheelchairs are only allowed to date ugly people??!!
Pure ignorance!

Too bad bf's mother didn't reply with... "she HAS the guy she wants".

[DellFan]

deb4604, on 18 July 2010 - 05:55 PM, said:

I was at a birthday party yesterday and last night my bf's mother told us that someone at the party said...."your son's a great guy and all, but why would anyone want to date someone in a wheelchair and Debbie's so pretty, she could have any guy she wants"
WTF! People in wheelchairs are only allowed to date ugly people??!!
Pure ignorance!

now THAT'S rude

[Tetracyclone]

Thank God I met my hubby before I was in the WC, cuz I am not attracted to ugly people. i didn't know about this rule, but as an old hag I know no one finds me attractive anymore. WC or no, old hags just don't get chased around like young fresh things.

[S&W Winger]

Tetra...we are not old hags anymore...we are COUGARS! And we are wanted! In my case maybe by the FBI...

[LeahC]

Some lad in a restaurant asked can I do sports in my chair so I said can he do sports in his suit! He replied he'd seen people in chairs do sports before so I advised him that I've seen able-bodied people do sports but don't assume he does them and to think about it. One other man asked did I know this guy in a chair so I said does he know this guy who wears glasses (he wore them too) lol.

[Millard]

DellFan, on 17 July 2010 - 06:03 AM, said:

So, yesterday I was shopping with my mom and this lady is looking at me all funny, I ignore her then out of nowhere she says "you been in the chair long?" and I'm like yeah, all my life and she's like "oh so you never knew anything different (insert sad tone here)" and I'm like no.... and then she says "so, when you dream do you have a chair?" By this time I'm getting kind of pissed and so I rolling away and saying not usually and she says "so I bet you wish you wouldn't wake up?" Now by this time I'm JUST PISSED and I was like I'm good on waking up thanks and she's like "Oh my husband is in a chair." I rolled away like wtf? I realize people are curious but for one, if your husband is in a chair so you should know how to act and for two that's not even a normal line of question plus it was an employee of the store! Am I wrong to be kind of upset?

Tomorrow, July 20, will be my 43 anniversary. I have found out over the years that some people want to talk but don't really know how. 99% of the people are trying to be friendly but do not know how. Many strangers that I speak to mention a relative or friend in a chair. They usually mean well but are uneasy on what to say or how to say it without being offensive. As you get older and more experienced, you'll know when someone is being a smart a** or just ignorant of your condition and wanting to learn.

Example:
I was working at a car dealership when a new customer came to the service window. He had a long leg brace on a severe limp. I went to the window on crutches and asked him why he "Walked so funny?" He look at me and laughed, "Polio. Why do you walk funny?". (He is a medical doctor and I sold him a car (Mercedes-Benz) the next day and we're still fiends.)

Learn to enjoy life...this is the only one you have.

Good luck.

[mellowgator]

i live in a town of only 3000 people off season. there is another pretty blonde who is in a chair. every one calls me pam and her karen. we find it funny and i don't even bother to correct them any more. there is another blonde who lives on the mainland and she is also blonde and people are always confusing us as well. i was out the other week and a couple started talking about me and remember how kind i was to their brother and all the fun we had. i had never met these people. i of course didn't get mad. i just made some new friends!

i can't go anywhere without hearing. "you're going to get a speeding ticket, or do you have a license for that thing?" i just smile and keep on going. there's no reason to put people in their place when they are being friendly.

it does try my patience when people pet my service dog or distract her in other ways. if i have the time i'll explain why you shouldn't pet a service dog but usually i'm trying to run errands quickly.

what does get my goat are people who touch my chair and try to move or push me. or if they lean on my chair or kick it while i'm pulled in at a table. if they apologize of say excuse me no harm is done. but rude people are a different story.

mellowgator

[AndrewB]

Yeah, my method now in dealing with folks like that, is simply to use them for free therapy. I used to get offended, now i make them wish they had never asked.

[Brooke]

I totally agree. That was downright rude! I always think (and I think I'm the only one) that people should get to know me before I start shoveling out private information. For example, I let my good friends ask me anything about the chair or anything about my body. They're my good friends. I've had lots of people at church who just ask some medical question (like: why can't you walk?) and I answer, then they walk away. It really hurts my feelings when I feel they are just using me, and don't actually want to talk to ME. But my friends like me for me, so they get the benefit of being able to ask anything they want.

And why is it that they want to know how long you've been in the chair? That's what I get asked the most, and I don't understand what that has to do with anything.

Someone also said once "hey, you could play basketball in that thing." I just gave them an annoyed look and didn't say anything. It's like "yep, I could, if my arms worked fully, which they don't. Did you want my full medical history? What is your full medical history? Can you play basketball in those feet?"

[Snakeye]

Brooke, on 23 July 2010 - 04:29 AM, said:

I totally agree. That was downright rude! I always think (and I think I'm the only one) that people should get to know me before I start shoveling out private information. For example, I let my good friends ask me anything about the chair or anything about my body. They're my good friends. I've had lots of people at church who just ask some medical question (like: why can't you walk?) and I answer, then they walk away. It really hurts my feelings when I feel they are just using me, and don't actually want to talk to ME. But my friends like me for me, so they get the benefit of being able to ask anything they want.

And why is it that they want to know how long you've been in the chair? That's what I get asked the most, and I don't understand what that has to do with anything.

Someone also said once "hey, you could play basketball in that thing." I just gave them an annoyed look and didn't say anything. It's like "yep, I could, if my arms worked fully, which they don't. Did you want my full medical history? What is your full medical history? Can you play basketball in those feet?"

Ya, I don't think we are somehow bound to share our personal medical history with anyone just cause we are in a chair...Our injuries are just more visually apparent..whereas it is hidden with someone suffering from cancer or a heart condition. Being a private person I hate it when people demand to know why I'm in a wheelchair or what are my physical symptoms, etc.....Yuk...

[qbounce]

I had this Electrician come to my house last week, and several times he got in close enough to pat me on the shoulder. For some reason it really annoyed me, but I just couldn't force myself to say anything to him. After all, I found him to be a very polite, personable and engaging guy.

Later that afternoon, my wife came home and he patted her on the shoulder too. Okay, I thought, now I know it isn't just me and my chair. Sometimes I really need to see the bigger picture and not let the little things get to me. Man, I have enough BIG problems to worry about as it is! lol

[spot]

I'm more open. I would far rather have people ask, than just stare at me. (Or glance and look away quickly.)

[Brazen]

First sarcasm is my favorite weapon when dealing with ignorance. I'd have told her my legs isn't the reason I don't want to wake up.. It's the golden bars I every night that's tempting... I've been in my chair for 4yrs and I've come to the conclusion that it's not the chair that brings the stupid questions. It's the sad fact that 75% of the people around you are just that clueless...

[hurbshankin]

I have found that most people are socially inept whether speaking to a crip like me or a regular Joe. Nobody can make me "feel" anything emotional, I have to work myself up instead,. No one can have emotional control over anyone unless that anyone allows it. I find it easier to look at the positive, not the negative. This makes for a much happier, positive and productive existence! No butts about it!

Hurb

Edited by hurbshankin, 26 July 2010 - 11:47 PM.