[415mia]

my husband always had a temper
I was with him 9 years ago and we split up mainly due to his anger outbursts and verbal abuse-we both also drank a lot back then,so it didnt help matters.
We reunited partially because he told me he had stopped drinking which is true-but the verbal assaults have not-I get nitpicked, criticized and yelled at for every little thing- and whn it happens he always has a reason, like he is in pain, it's the pain pills, he was arguing with his brother, or he is tired or sick.
I love him dearly, and almost lost him 3 weeks ago when he stopped breathing and I had to do CPR until the paramedics got there- I am very devoted to him-faithful,loyal and I am his caregiver on the weekends.
He promised me in the hospital that he would never talk to me that way again and he was so thankful I was there to help him- well, it happened again, all because he was tired he starts yelling at me and saying really awful things, like he wants a divorce and he wants me to move out all kinds of awful things that make me cry and he doesn't seem to care-
he has promised a million times to stop and hasn't- i have told him how much it hurts me and he doesn't seem to get it- he has gone to several counseling sessions, but nothing has changed.
I feel like I am with someone who is playing with my life and mt security- he takes everything out on me and i think it is very selfish of him to think he is the only one with problems because he is paralyzed- it always seems to come up...
I myself have degenerative spine disease and osteoarthritis and I feel my pain and myhealth are put on the back burner, also this constant love/hate thing is getting to me emotionally.
He will always say he is sorry and get me something or take me out and acts like that will fix it. well it won't- I am on the verge of filing for divorce and leaving because I am sick of walking on eggshells and never feeling like this is my home...
I don't know what to do!

[pistol_pete]

sounds like a right royal arsehole.
slash his tyres.
grab your stuff.
and don't forget to give him the finger as you walk out the door for good.
That's the best advice you'll get.

[dangerousdave]

Pistol Pete has got right to the point
Nomatter how much us sci suffer - we have no right to inflict that pain on others in any way

[stillgotswag]

He doesnt appreciate you.

[AussieBrad]

Just leave!!!!!

[Tetracyclone]

You say you love him and I understand this: the need to love is greater than the need to be loved. You have given this man endless chances to reform. he does not because he enjoys abusing you. There is a word for folks like him- he is a vampire because he ENJOYS sucking the life out of you. You know this is true- you have seen the look of pleasure on his face as he rams in one more verbal dagger.

Move on. You will find someone else to love, but next time be more discerning. Forr today, leave the room IMMEDIATELY when he gets nasty.

[airart1]

smack the shit out of him like u have to do a kid, i know thats drastic, but he just dont get it, somewhere, u are going to have to put your foot down, i dont mean abuse him and beat him, i mean give a good ol cheek slap and tell him to shut his mouth, he's grown, he's not a child, maybe a couple of them and he'll get it thru his thick skull u're not going to take the crap anymore.........i know its cruel in a way but its also tuff love, and if he still runs his mouth at u then leave, mental abuse is so terrible a thing to have to endure.......just my OP, my granny wouldnt have listened to that without a smack in the mouth or a switch growing up and a grownup sure shouldnt have to deal with it.....its seems that its about respect also, a person without respect for one another wouldnt do that, how could you verbally abuse the person that takes care of you and says he loves you, he's mentally embalanced in some way....... they do say that you mentally do not grow after your accident, that people with sci at age 16 say, are always going to be mentally 16, i dont know that this is true, but i do know a few that act that way since there accident, like they never grew up.......

This post has been edited by airart1: 15 August 2010 - 04:34 PM

[qbounce]

Your description says fiance, but you said he's your husband . . . . did you get married recently, even after all this abuse?

Have you guys even discussed counseling? You said you love him dearly. Even guys going through a hard time deserve a shot at therapy. If he quit drinking, at least it seems like he's trying to work on himself. I'm in no way condoning the verbal attacks on you, but you chose to be with him, so you may as well make that last ditch effort to get a mediator involved.

[airart1]

true, i could have been drastic, but hey give him a dose of his own medicine.....i just know he wouldn't mouth at me long!!! therapy, split, give him the ol slap, something needs to get his attention, or its time to pack up and let him fend for himself!!!

[E-DOG]

415mia, on 15 August 2010 - 06:57 AM, said:

my husband always had a temper
I was with him 9 years ago and we split up mainly due to his anger outbursts and verbal abuse-we both also drank a lot back then,so it didnt help matters.
We reunited partially because he told me he had stopped drinking which is true-but the verbal assaults have not-I get nitpicked, criticized and yelled at for every little thing- and whn it happens he always has a reason, like he is in pain, it's the pain pills, he was arguing with his brother, or he is tired or sick.
I love him dearly, and almost lost him 3 weeks ago when he stopped breathing and I had to do CPR until the paramedics got there- I am very devoted to him-faithful,loyal and I am his caregiver on the weekends.
He promised me in the hospital that he would never talk to me that way again and he was so thankful I was there to help him- well, it happened again, all because he was tired he starts yelling at me and saying really awful things, like he wants a divorce and he wants me to move out all kinds of awful things that make me cry and he doesn't seem to care-
he has promised a million times to stop and hasn't- i have told him how much it hurts me and he doesn't seem to get it- he has gone to several counseling sessions, but nothing has changed.
I feel like I am with someone who is playing with my life and mt security- he takes everything out on me and i think it is very selfish of him to think he is the only one with problems because he is paralyzed- it always seems to come up...
I myself have degenerative spine disease and osteoarthritis and I feel my pain and myhealth are put on the back burner, also this constant love/hate thing is getting to me emotionally.
He will always say he is sorry and get me something or take me out and acts like that will fix it. well it won't- I am on the verge of filing for divorce and leaving because I am sick of walking on eggshells and never feeling like this is my home...
I don't know what to do!

What you need to do is read my posted topic "I feel so selfish" by "butterflywithwingsofgold"
And THEN decide what you need to do. Cause a GLASS EYE IN A DUCK'S ASS COULD SEE HE AIN'T GONNA CHANGE SWEETHEART!

So you can either become a masochist and learn to LOVE THE ABUSE. Or get the hell outa there. 'Sup toYOU there Boo Boo.

E-dog

[wheeliebear75]

Am I thrilled to have the ginormous pile of that came with the SCI? HELL NO! But it isn't anybody's "fault".....shit happens. But my Mom wouldn't have put up with that kinda crap & DIDN'T no matter how shitty I felt, or how much pain I was in, or even with my younger sister's noise making migraines.....NEVER was I allowed to mouth off to anyone....not even when medical people were doing things that hurt! And neither should your hubby! Unless I'm missing something it sounds like you guys were together as an AB couple, you guys broke up/ended it, THEN he got hurt, so you came back? Um IF this is the case he should have been kissing your ass instead of stabbing you in the back! Lots of us had "partners" in our relationships but the AB 1/2 didn't want to deal with it period & left OR after a while got tired of having to take up so much slack all the time with work kids & chores around the house. NOBODY has the right to treat others like crap....AND....EVERYONE deserves to be treated with dignity & respect unless/until they prove unworthy by their actions or in-actions. Whether you leave again or stay with him is entirely up to you, but although I'm no "bible thumper" I think the serenity prayer is the best way to close.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

[BalancedInteger]

Try this: Pack up a few things and tell him that you are leaving for the weekend. Then tell him that if he doesn't enjoy his weekend alone, he should change his behavior...because the next time he tries to run you through the emotional wringer...you WILL leave his sorry crippled ass to swing in the wind.

Regardless of what he says afterward, it is important that you get away from his that weekend. He has to have a taste of what life without you is going to be like if there is going to be any hope that he's going to change.

I hope and pray for the best for you, mia. Good luck to you.

[stillgotswag]

Try anything you want. Hes been that way all his life. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

[415mia]

wheeliebear75, on 15 August 2010 - 10:08 PM, said:

Am I thrilled to have the ginormous pile of that came with the SCI? HELL NO! But it isn't anybody's "fault".....shit happens. But my Mom wouldn't have put up with that kinda crap & DIDN'T no matter how shitty I felt, or how much pain I was in, or even with my younger sister's noise making migraines.....NEVER was I allowed to mouth off to anyone....not even when medical people were doing things that hurt! And neither should your hubby! Unless I'm missing something it sounds like you guys were together as an AB couple, you guys broke up/ended it, THEN he got hurt, so you came back? Um IF this is the case he should have been kissing your ass instead of stabbing you in the back! Lots of us had "partners" in our relationships but the AB 1/2 didn't want to deal with it period & left OR after a while got tired of having to take up so much slack all the time with work kids & chores around the house. NOBODY has the right to treat others like crap....AND....EVERYONE deserves to be treated with dignity & respect unless/until they prove unworthy by their actions or in-actions. Whether you leave again or stay with him is entirely up to you, but although I'm no "bible thumper" I think the serenity prayer is the best way to close.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I appreciate the advise- thank you- he was actually injured the first time we were together, and he had been hurt for 6 years. So, I never knew him before the accident. I do know that this side of him is not the normal and it is not everyday- 95 percent of the time he is a nice guy a wonderful guy actually, and this is why I married him- I just wonder if this is neurological or if something is causing the blackouts as it mostly happens when pain is involved. I appreciate everyone telling me not to put up with it, and I do stand up for myself- please don't think he is an asshole 24-7 because he isn't. He has started seeing a counselor so it is something he is working on-

[415mia]

That sounds like an effective idea actually- I will keep it in mind- you have a good point

BalancedInteger, on 16 August 2010 - 07:31 AM, said:

Try this: Pack up a few things and tell him that you are leaving for the weekend. Then tell him that if he doesn't enjoy his weekend alone, he should change his behavior...because the next time he tries to run you through the emotional wringer...you WILL leave his sorry crippled ass to swing in the wind.

Regardless of what he says afterward, it is important that you get away from his that weekend. He has to have a taste of what life without you is going to be like if there is going to be any hope that he's going to change.

I hope and pray for the best for you, mia. Good luck to you.

He is going to a counselor and after his sessions are up we will find a couples therapist

qbounce, on 15 August 2010 - 04:38 PM, said:

Your description says fiance, but you said he's your husband . . . . did you get married recently, even after all this abuse?

Have you guys even discussed counseling? You said you love him dearly. Even guys going through a hard time deserve a shot at therapy. If he quit drinking, at least it seems like he's trying to work on himself. I'm in no way condoning the verbal attacks on you, but you chose to be with him, so you may as well make that last ditch effort to get a mediator involved.

[BalancedInteger]

stillgotswag, on 16 August 2010 - 12:46 PM, said:

Try anything you want. Hes been that way all his life. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I don't know, Swagster. I'm an old dog, and I learn something new every day.

Anyone can change if the motivation to do so is there. Even bitter bastards like mia's husband.

[415mia]

Wait- he isn't bitter-
I am actually wondering if it is his meds or neurological issues that are causing it as he doesn't remember what he says afterwards- like a blackout- has anyone experienced this before?

BalancedInteger, on 18 August 2010 - 05:34 AM, said:

stillgotswag, on 16 August 2010 - 12:46 PM, said:

Try anything you want. Hes been that way all his life. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I don't know, Swagster. I'm an old dog, and I learn something new every day.

Anyone can change if the motivation to do so is there. Even bitter bastards like mia's husband.

[415mia]

E Dog

Thanks for the advice- I read the post you mentioned and I have to say my life is NOTHING like that. He doesnt hit me or make me work to support him, and he is a great friend to my 16 year old son and there is nothing weird there at all!! I would not have married him if this behavior I described defined him as a person, it doesn't. He just has these outbursts on occasion that are very out of character - he knows he has f*@ked up with me and he is seeing someone to talk about it and he is also going to pain management. I am not excusing his actions by any means, but 95% of the time, things are very good between us, which is why this is so upsetting. I am wondering if it is medication or neuro damage ( he has stopped breathing on several occasions in the last few years) that may cause this as I have heard it can be common with people who have a traumatic brain injury- I just needed some moral support as we are all here on this forum to inform and help others. I just want to know if he and I can get through this- I needed some outside opinions- when I wrote my first post, the argument had just happened and I was very upset, now that things have cooled off I just need some other types of advice.
It seems most of the time when this does happen it is when he is in a lot of pain or getting sick with a UTI- has anyone else experienced this?

E-DOG, on 15 August 2010 - 09:49 PM, said:

415mia, on 15 August 2010 - 06:57 AM, said:

my husband always had a temper
I was with him 9 years ago and we split up mainly due to his anger outbursts and verbal abuse-we both also drank a lot back then,so it didnt help matters.
We reunited partially because he told me he had stopped drinking which is true-but the verbal assaults have not-I get nitpicked, criticized and yelled at for every little thing- and whn it happens he always has a reason, like he is in pain, it's the pain pills, he was arguing with his brother, or he is tired or sick.
I love him dearly, and almost lost him 3 weeks ago when he stopped breathing and I had to do CPR until the paramedics got there- I am very devoted to him-faithful,loyal and I am his caregiver on the weekends.
He promised me in the hospital that he would never talk to me that way again and he was so thankful I was there to help him- well, it happened again, all because he was tired he starts yelling at me and saying really awful things, like he wants a divorce and he wants me to move out all kinds of awful things that make me cry and he doesn't seem to care-
he has promised a million times to stop and hasn't- i have told him how much it hurts me and he doesn't seem to get it- he has gone to several counseling sessions, but nothing has changed.
I feel like I am with someone who is playing with my life and mt security- he takes everything out on me and i think it is very selfish of him to think he is the only one with problems because he is paralyzed- it always seems to come up...
I myself have degenerative spine disease and osteoarthritis and I feel my pain and myhealth are put on the back burner, also this constant love/hate thing is getting to me emotionally.
He will always say he is sorry and get me something or take me out and acts like that will fix it. well it won't- I am on the verge of filing for divorce and leaving because I am sick of walking on eggshells and never feeling like this is my home...
I don't know what to do!

What you need to do is read my posted topic "I feel so selfish" by "butterflywithwingsofgold"
And THEN decide what you need to do. Cause a GLASS EYE IN A DUCK'S ASS COULD SEE HE AIN'T GONNA CHANGE SWEETHEART!

So you can either become a masochist and learn to LOVE THE ABUSE. Or get the hell outa there. 'Sup toYOU there Boo Boo.

E-dog

I didn't know about the not growing after the accident- he was 22 when it happened- this may be a possibility- while I have wanted to smack him I refrain because I do not want to wind up in jail for abuse of the disabled- I know what you mean about respect tho- I do need to put my foot down, you are so right. thanks for the help

airart1, on 15 August 2010 - 04:31 PM, said:

smack the shit out of him like u have to do a kid, i know thats drastic, but he just dont get it, somewhere, u are going to have to put your foot down, i dont mean abuse him and beat him, i mean give a good ol cheek slap and tell him to shut his mouth, he's grown, he's not a child, maybe a couple of them and he'll get it thru his thick skull u're not going to take the crap anymore.........i know its cruel in a way but its also tuff love, and if he still runs his mouth at u then leave, mental abuse is so terrible a thing to have to endure.......just my OP, my granny wouldnt have listened to that without a smack in the mouth or a switch growing up and a grownup sure shouldnt have to deal with it.....its seems that its about respect also, a person without respect for one another wouldnt do that, how could you verbally abuse the person that takes care of you and says he loves you, he's mentally embalanced in some way....... they do say that you mentally do not grow after your accident, that people with sci at age 16 say, are always going to be mentally 16, i dont know that this is true, but i do know a few that act that way since there accident, like they never grew up.......

[E-DOG]

I tend to be a bit harsh when replying to posts like this. There have been so many of them over the years that it gets frustrating seeing people abused repeatedly, over and over again and doing nothing about it. That's why I wrote the "Gratefull" story to begin with.

What appears to be an exaggerated parody is actually closer to the truth than one would at first imagine. And that's the saddest and scariest thing of all.

Anyway, you are the executive on site so to speak. The eyes and ears on the ground there and then. Do what you feel is best and call if you need lawyers guns n' money.

E-dog

[mellowgator]

from your first post you have an abusive husband and now he's a great guy who hardly ever is abusive. apparently you are waiting for someone to post what you want to hear which it will all work out. it's his medicine or injury and life will be great. you are in a classic abusive relationship. where the abused wife returns to suffer the abuse over and over and always forgives.

best wishes to you. i hope counseling will help the two of you.

mellowgator

[415mia]

Thank you E-Dog- you were not being harsh- I appreciate that I can get the opinions of people that are paralyzed as I am not, and can't ever imagine what it is like-I try to , but it helps to have some insight-
you are right though, I do not need to be putting up with this shit- I guess in a way I feel that it is in part due to the injury and maybe I let some things go that I normally would not let go if he were not paralyzed, and I guess I shouldn't be doing that.

E-DOG, on 18 August 2010 - 08:54 PM, said:

I tend to be a bit harsh when replying to posts like this. There have been so many of them over the years that it gets frustrating seeing people abused repeatedly, over and over again and doing nothing about it. That's why I wrote the "Gratefull" story to begin with.

What appears to be an exaggerated parody is actually closer to the truth than one would at first imagine. And that's the saddest and scariest thing of all.

Anyway, you are the executive on site so to speak. The eyes and ears on the ground there and then. Do what you feel is best and call if you need lawyers guns n' money.

E-dog

[edlee]

I'm truly sorry to hear of your problems, Mia,, but as Mellowgator brought up,, from your posts, this is almost a classic,, textbook picture of an abusive relationship. I have seen it in my own family, and it isn't a pretty sight. I believe it may be YOU who is in the most need of counciling,, and I mean by yourself.

We all rationalize,, we all like to see things as we would like them to be,,, but if you take that too far,, it becomes harmful for everyone involved. Fantasy is nice,, but reality is where we live. You need to stand back, and see your life as someone else would see it. It's hard to do,, that's why I suggested that YOU get counciling alone.

I wish you the best,,, whatever that may be.
ed