[ct1974rlw]

I came here because a friend recommended this site to me and she knew I needed to talk amoung people who could understand both sides of what I am going through-his and mine.

I have been married seven years. Six of which my husband has been a T-8&9 incomplete sci. I have two teen daughters (17 and 15) that are not his, but could have been if he wanted too.

When he was first injured (injured from a fall)everyone came running to his side. He got to see people who he hadn't seen in years. I stayed by his side, night and day. Then when he went to rehab (80 miles away from where we lived) I drove every day to participate in his rehab so I knew what he needed and how to do care for him when he came home. When I would come home at night, I took care of the girls and worked on the house (widening doorways, tearing down walls, etc) to make it assessable for him. I took care of him for the first year, always setting goals to achieve more indepandance. When he would refuse or get angry, we would always stop, refocus and trudge on. After the first year and when he was ready and we were sure he was 100% independant, I went back to work. That was when he got very nasty-calling the girls names, hitting them, etc. when I wasn't home. Finally, I found out and we seperated. He went to "counseling" and he was cleared to come back home (I didn't want a divorce, wanted him to get the help he needed). Things were supposed to be "different". But soon I found myself told to butt out of his medical care. I was no longer allowed (by him) to attend his doctors appointments, etc. In short, he found a new outlet for his anger-his body. Soon he began to breakdown because of neglect.


He has had several skin graffs, debriedments, infections etc. for stage four wounds on his rear. He would always downplay it when he was in the hospital and he wouldn't allow for me to speak to the doctors treating him. I was not welcomed to take a look at his wounds either. Last Friday, he was discharged from the hospital. When I came to pick him up, the case manager, whom I never met before, took me out in the hallway and talked with me. She was fusterated because not only was he nasty and bitter in the hospital to everyone, he refused ALL care and management of his wounds. He currently has three stage 4 wounds and two stage 3 wounds on his butt. He also has two stage 2 wounds on his heels. The need to do a flap on three of the wounds and may need more in the future. They did place him on a anti deppressant in the hospital to help control his anger, but I have seen very little improvement. I did remove our weopons out of the house (we used to love going to the range) and he has been furious with me ever since. They are not gone-just at a friend's house-but he doesn't know which one. I didn't feel it was safe to keep them in the house with him like this. Now I am wondering if it ever was safe.

He does now have in home nursing care and he has an appointment with the surgical team on the eighth. But now that I know the truth and although I have to fight with him to do his wound care, he has become very difficult at home. He has ripped this family apart in more ways I could have ever imagined and I feel like all the hard work everyone did in the beginning doesn't matter. Everytime I do his wound care, I can barely keep it together, and I find myself breaking down constantly when I am alone.His wounds right now are symbolic of everything in our life-our marriage, our family, everything. He doesn't care about what he is doing and the hell he has put us through these past six years with his anger. I have tried to talk to his doctors, but without his consent, they can't talk to me. He is in such bad shape, they have now by-passed him to get him the medical help he needs to live, never mind be healthy. They are now working with me and we are in constant communication. He does have a consult with behavioral health but he down plays everything and tells everyone that the problem is me and I am just a b*tch. He plays the system perfectly because he knows what he can and can not get away with-he was a cop up until his injury.

In short, I can't take this anymore. I have stood by him, I gave everything up for him and I can't do it anymore. The mental abuse he is putting us through is enormous. He hates everyone, he hates life and he hates himself. This would be our third time of seperating and I just can't do it this time without a divorce. I keep holding on and hoping that he will be the person that I love so much-the one who is gentle and kind. I have moved out of our bedroom, and find myself wondering why I keep holding onto this tattered marriage. I have never seen him for his wheelchair but only for the man I thought he was. I based our dreams off that, and it's all shattered. I desperately want to walk away so I can heal, my girls can heal but not sure if it is the right thing to do. I have paid the price of his sci over and over and over again, it's not my fault. I know that. But he seems to blame me and everyone around him for it. He has alienated his entire family and friends. I don't know what to do and I am at my wits end. I just know I can't do this anymore. I can't fight with him to do his wound and medical care, I can't take his insults, I can't take his anger. And I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night. Sorry for this to be my first post, but I need to talk to people who understand. His sci never shattered my world but he sure the hell blew it to a million pieces. I need advice.

[Beautiful]

You and your girls need to get out of that environment as soon as possible. His attitude is ridiculous. You need to show your girls that the way he treats you all is NO way for a man to treat a woman. EVER.

He isn't even a man! A man doesn't call a woman a b*tch. A man doesn't put down the woman he loves. A man doesn't hit a woman. It would be the same if the roles were reversed as well. My step-dad (who I call dad, he was there from the time I was a baby) is an alcoholic. He used to physically abuse my mom. The physical abuse stopped, but then came the mental and verbal. They recently divorced and now she is with a great guy.

You need to show your girls that this type of behavior is not okay. Don't let them think that how your husband acts is how all guys act and that its perfectly fine.

Wheelchair or no wheelchair, this is something that needs to be done. It isn't a healthy environment for anyone to live in. He needs help. A lot of it. But don't think all that falls on you. You've done what you can. Its okay to move on.

[mcwriter]

So sorry for what you are going through. He has got himself so deep into a place that he may or may not get out of. There comes a time when you have to keep your girls and yourself safe and you have to pick up the pieces of your life and move on. You are strong to reach out even though you don't feel like you are right now. It is going to be alright, really it will.

[qbounce]

You've painted a very compelling case for divorce. Who would argue with you the alternative to stay and try to work it out? What do you need us for?

[pinkcloud]

Hi

If you have come to the site to see if all of us with SCI have behaviour like your husbands then the answer is no. The SCI is not an excuse for his behaviour.

If it's kind of ' seeking permission' for you to leave him because he is bad to you and your girls, and to see if we with SCI's think you are a bad person for leaving him, then the answer from me anyway is no, you are not a bad person.

If you have come to the site to see how people stay strong, when living with an SCI, then this sure is the place to be. A lot of people on here talk good honest talk, and you sure can pick up on survival tips on how to deal with all aspects of life.

I hear you say that you wish he would change back into a loving caring person. It seems that he may have pretended to be a loving caring person to attract you in the first place and the real behaviour he shows in violence. Maybe if you leave him, he will become that kind caring person again in order to whooo you back. And then the violence begins again shortly after.

I feel its a circle you are in and maybe domestic violence or marriage counselling if a good option? If you are worried about his care and that he needs support if you leave then maybe direct him into visiting a support group for SCI's. HOwever, that is his responsibility and not yours and it kind of sounds like he could learn to start taking responsibility for himself and his actions towards you and fellow human beings.


All the best

I totally agree with beautiful

[Spinner]

You are 100% justified in leaving this man. Go now before you suffer anymore at his hand. The fact of the matter is he has brought all of this upon himself and he is the sole cause of your leaving. In the end he will be hurting himself more than anyone else. Living with a spinal cord injury is not a pass to mistreat people. His attitude and decisions are not your fault, nor are they your responsibility. Go, take care of yourself, and finally find the peace you deserve.

[SSG.Bridges]

Hi sorry to hear your situation. You have every right to get out and keep yourself and your girls safe and to find happiness again. Your husband is going to have to find peace with his injury and himself before anyone can help him you have tried your hardest to help him through this and he does not want to change I commend you for that you deserve better. Best wishes to you

[sarcak]

I hate being SCI.

While I was reading ct1974rlw posts ,I remembered my behaviours.My anxieties...Life is tough.

Sci. makes some of us inhuman.

ct1974rlw if you wanna divorce nobody can blame to you.

[mellowgator]

from reading your post the thing that struck me is that he abused your children. i can't get past that simple fact that he hurt children. he is scum in my book.

he hates life and everyone in it because he is injured. i'd leave the gun by his bed and hope for the best. if the prospect of cleaning his brains off the wall and of your children finding him is too much. i'd get out and i would never look back.


mellowgator

[Snakeye]

Geez... seems like about once a week like clockwork a first-time poster blasts onto this forum like a volcanic eruption ranting and raving how their sci spouse is a louse and their gonna leave em high and dry cause they can't take it anymore... Since most have already made up their minds to leave and we usually never hear from them again why ask our opinion?.....All I can advise is...Do what ya gotta do.. Just make sure ya can live with yourself after the fact....Do wish we could hear both sides of the story in these cases tho...

[ct1974rlw]

All I can advise is...Do what ya gotta do.. Just make sure ya can live with yourself after the fact....Do wish we could hear both sides of the story in these cases tho...

I don't think that is fair, I stayed when everyone else walked out. I put up with when I didn't have too, I tried to understand where he was coming from-after all being in a wheelchair is a life changing event. I tried to understand his anger, his depression, his pain, I tried to understand his everything and disregarded my own feelings, my own wants and our safety.

He abused because I was "safe"-he never thought I would leave. He was right sort of-I stayed longer than I ever should have and my children have paid the ultimate price for my decision to stay. But everyone has their point of no return. Everyone.

I came here cause I needed to know that I wasn't alone. This isn't your typical domestic violence case. This has nothing to do with SCI-but everything to do with the choices we make-I needed to hear that from real people who live with this everyday (SCI) of their lives because for the past six years I have heard nothing but "If I didn't have an SCI......If it weren't for my SCI......You can't understand my anger because of my SCI.....". I don't know how it feels emotionally to have a SCI-so who better to find out from than the very people who do.

I am trying to get him to come on here-he knows about this post. I am not sure he will, but he has no problem voicing what he has done to his family on here or anywhere else, because he feels perfectly justified because of his "sci".....

He is right, I don't know what it's like to have an sci-but now I have my own wheelchair too-it's just invisible to the nakked eye because those wounds can not be seen.

For all those you that posted, thank you. I have made my decision and I am taking the steps needed to move out. I just needed to make sure I was thinking logically, not emotionally.

And yes, I plan to stay on as a member....I think I can be a help to caregivers of SCI's when I am healed and after I have taken care of me and my girls.

[LovingSister]

It is hard to leave a marriage I would imagine even harder when you are leaving a person who is handicapped. I think you may hesitate going because you feel guilty and just maybe you need approval to know in your heart you are doing the right thing. Guilt sucks but abuse is abuse no matter what the condition is of the person doling it out. If you are miserable and your kids are suffering then know in your own head that leaving is probably the only choice you have.

[mellowgator]

ct1974,

i guess you know how crazy it is for him to blame his abusive behavior on sci. i have had a sci for 24 years and i never abused anyone. i've had depression, anger and the entire gamut of emotions. i have gone on and have a great life with a great husband and 2 wonderful kids. he is absoulty delusional if he really thinks sci is the reason for his bad behavior. shame on him.

run away and fast.

mellowgator

[Quad65]

Plain and simple, the problem appears to be his, not yours. As with substance abusers, you can't help him unless he wants help, you can't do it for him and you can't save him from himself. He has to decide he wants to change, take care of himself, and get better. It serves no useful purpose to stay in that situation. He seems bent on self-destruction and unless you want to go down with him and take your girls with, it's time to leave and stay gone.

[Terryalopes]

You need to take care of your self and your girls. Let him deal with his situation on his own. There is nothing you or anyone else can do for him. He needs to come to terms with his sci and until he can deal with it and except it there isnt anything anyone can do. I think you have made the right decision to leave. No one should live with an abusive person no matter what. I also give you a lot of credit for everything you have done but enough is enough.

[MDK]

No advice from me as the decision has to be yours only but a warm ,warm hug:hug:
Mioara

[Tetracyclone]

ct1974,

t5's a brave new world with endless open doors. You rock, Lady! And don't worry so much about your girls. just go to counseling with them, formal or informal, and talk about everything. They can make their way through their experiences and be stronger for it. Perfect safe childhoods make very boring people.

[Spinner]

ct1974rlw, on 26 August 2010 - 05:42 PM, said:

All I can advise is...Do what ya gotta do.. Just make sure ya can live with yourself after the fact....Do wish we could hear both sides of the story in these cases tho...

I don't think that is fair, I stayed when everyone else walked out. I put up with when I didn't have too, I tried to understand where he was coming from-after all being in a wheelchair is a life changing event. I tried to understand his anger, his depression, his pain, I tried to understand his everything and disregarded my own feelings, my own wants and our safety.

He abused because I was "safe"-he never thought I would leave. He was right sort of-I stayed longer than I ever should have and my children have paid the ultimate price for my decision to stay. But everyone has their point of no return. Everyone.

I came here cause I needed to know that I wasn't alone. This isn't your typical domestic violence case. This has nothing to do with SCI-but everything to do with the choices we make-I needed to hear that from real people who live with this everyday (SCI) of their lives because for the past six years I have heard nothing but "If I didn't have an SCI......If it weren't for my SCI......You can't understand my anger because of my SCI.....". I don't know how it feels emotionally to have a SCI-so who better to find out from than the very people who do.

I am trying to get him to come on here-he knows about this post. I am not sure he will, but he has no problem voicing what he has done to his family on here or anywhere else, because he feels perfectly justified because of his "sci".....

He is right, I don't know what it's like to have an sci-but now I have my own wheelchair too-it's just invisible to the nakked eye because those wounds can not be seen.

For all those you that posted, thank you. I have made my decision and I am taking the steps needed to move out. I just needed to make sure I was thinking logically, not emotionally.

And yes, I plan to stay on as a member....I think I can be a help to caregivers of SCI's when I am healed and after I have taken care of me and my girls.

Granted, my man is one amazing guy, but he has never - would never - use the fact that he has a complete quadriplegic level SCI as an excuse to completely ignore his own health and to abuse anyone and everyone in his path. The truth is your guy was probably going to treat you badly anyway (maybe you hadn't been subjected that, perhaps the relationship was too young prior to the accident) - his fall and injury just gave him a convenient excuse for doing so and provided some excellent leverage to keep you and those girls in his orbit for so long. It sounds to me as though you are absolutely thinking logically and it is time to leave this fellow, his injury, his self-harm, and his nasty attitude to himself.

This post has been edited by Spinner: 27 August 2010 - 01:46 PM

[pinkcloud]

ct1974rlw, on 26 August 2010 - 05:42 PM, said:

For all those you that posted, thank you. I have made my decision and I am taking the steps needed to move out. I just needed to make sure I was thinking logically, not emotionally.

And yes, I plan to stay on as a member....I think I can be a help to caregivers of SCI's when I am healed and after I have taken care of me and my girls.

I found when I left an extremely abusive relationship many years ago now, that I would go on to help others, like I had help when I real needed it.

To say that you wish to stay on here is fantastic. This seems to me that you are going to carry on being a caring, loving person - just with others whom appreciate you, you dont need to change - you may just need to change who you spend your time with.

Good on ya gal

[allis53ca]

f*@k him, time to say buh-bye first time he physically lashed out @ kids

[T8caregiver]

ct - first a big hug to you. I ran across this thread when I was researching testicle pain and dysreflexia. I lurk often, but haven't posted in a while.

It's been a year now since I first came to these forums after his accident (under a different handle). I thank you all for the encouraging words during those dark weeks when he was in a coma. Fourteen weeks after his accident (the last four weeks in a half-assed rehab program because he was too impatient to go to the good program), he was home.

It's been a year. A year of 40+ hours per week of caregiving of the most intimate sort on top of maintaining two jobs to keep our household going. He fired his other PCA and says he won't let a stranger do the stuff I do for him because it's "too personal."

For every smile and compliment, there has been a verbal slap and criticism. No matter what I do it's not fast enough, thorough enough, or good enough. Any little thing I do for myself is immediately put down as being "thoughtless" and "selfish." The last two weeks have been monstrous. Most days I feel like he fell on top of me and crushed me along with his spine.

So what do I do?

I set the alarm and get up the next day, glove up, and do it all over again. I remind myself that he is in horrific pain 24/7 and paste on a smile and go back in for the next round. Can I keep it up for the rest of his life? I don't know. I don't look that far. I just decide I can keep it up tomorrow and leave it at that.

You have to protect your children. That is paramount. Also, remember that you are not alone. I wish the best for you, I understand how you feel.

This post has been edited by T8caregiver: 05 September 2010 - 03:44 AM

[pinkcloud]

[quote name='T8caregiver' timestamp='1283658124' post='181320']
c
Hi t8caregiver

I am awake early as I am in a lot of pain after a great night out at the cinema with my son, so it was was well worth it.

I am t7/8.

I was in a fantastic relationship like you are for years. Before sci striked. Extreme verbal and emotional and physical abuse. Great life. NOT.

I learnt oneday that as long as I felt I was not good enough, I would stay. He would keep telling me i was worthless.
i would keep trying harder. Then one day, after a particular act of abuse too much i thought 'you know what, you think i am rubbish - i will live up to my name and be rubbish. and leave you. take that and live with it'.

Deep inside your husband may know the only way to keep you is by fear - not good for his self esteem is that. Most blokes like their woman to be with thembvecause they find them sexy, kind, friendly etc. ~The lower his self esteem - and so the cycle continues.


Years of stalking later, ignored police injunctions by him etc wasnt easy. But it sure felt easier than living with that.

Somehow this chap has brainwashed you I feel. Just like an occult leader does to innocent vulnerable people.

I wonder if you think I ought to call my friend up, ask her around to help me today as i am in pain then abuse her just because i have t7/8 pain? The thought of me doing that makes me feel physically sick. I couldnt hurt her in that way if I tried.

Us with sci understand one thing - how it can feel to be trapped in a body. We are not lucky enough to leave our body and escape our physical pain. You have a choice to escape you emotional pain and walk away.


You never know when an SCI or something else will happen to you. And then what? You will be trapped with him and you think you get abuse now? What is you were physically helpless too?

Shame some of us sci dont have you in our life as a friend. We sure would treat you with the respect you deserve. I so do wish you all the best. I would rather have an sci than a bloke like yours in my life

Hugs to you. I hope your life becomes happier one day

[pistol_pete]

T8caregiver, on 05 September 2010 - 03:42 AM, said:

ct - first a big hug to you. I ran across this thread when I was researching testicle pain and dysreflexia. I lurk often, but haven't posted in a while.

It's been a year now since I first came to these forums after his accident (under a different handle). I thank you all for the encouraging words during those dark weeks when he was in a coma. Fourteen weeks after his accident (the last four weeks in a half-assed rehab program because he was too impatient to go to the good program), he was home.

It's been a year. A year of 40+ hours per week of caregiving of the most intimate sort on top of maintaining two jobs to keep our household going. He fired his other PCA and says he won't let a stranger do the stuff I do for him because it's "too personal."

For every smile and compliment, there has been a verbal slap and criticism. No matter what I do it's not fast enough, thorough enough, or good enough. Any little thing I do for myself is immediately put down as being "thoughtless" and "selfish." The last two weeks have been monstrous. Most days I feel like he fell on top of me and crushed me along with his spine.

So what do I do?

I set the alarm and get up the next day, glove up, and do it all over again. I remind myself that he is in horrific pain 24/7 and paste on a smile and go back in for the next round. Can I keep it up for the rest of his life? I don't know. I don't look that far. I just decide I can keep it up tomorrow and leave it at that.

You have to protect your children. That is paramount. Also, remember that you are not alone. I wish the best for you, I understand how you feel.

Look, I don't know the whole situaution, so feel free to tell me to piss off if you like,
But
a T8 shouldn't need a caregiver or someone doing bowels and things that are 'too personal'.
Maybe he buggered his arms up or something
that can be the only excuse
if not, throw the gloves and lube at him and tell him to stick his own finger up his arse, like a real man!

[qbounce]

pistol_pete, on 06 September 2010 - 02:08 AM, said:

T8caregiver, on 05 September 2010 - 03:42 AM, said:

ct - first a big hug to you. I ran across this thread when I was researching testicle pain and dysreflexia. I lurk often, but haven't posted in a while.

It's been a year now since I first came to these forums after his accident (under a different handle). I thank you all for the encouraging words during those dark weeks when he was in a coma. Fourteen weeks after his accident (the last four weeks in a half-assed rehab program because he was too impatient to go to the good program), he was home.

It's been a year. A year of 40+ hours per week of caregiving of the most intimate sort on top of maintaining two jobs to keep our household going. He fired his other PCA and says he won't let a stranger do the stuff I do for him because it's "too personal."

For every smile and compliment, there has been a verbal slap and criticism. No matter what I do it's not fast enough, thorough enough, or good enough. Any little thing I do for myself is immediately put down as being "thoughtless" and "selfish." The last two weeks have been monstrous. Most days I feel like he fell on top of me and crushed me along with his spine.

So what do I do?

I set the alarm and get up the next day, glove up, and do it all over again. I remind myself that he is in horrific pain 24/7 and paste on a smile and go back in for the next round. Can I keep it up for the rest of his life? I don't know. I don't look that far. I just decide I can keep it up tomorrow and leave it at that.

You have to protect your children. That is paramount. Also, remember that you are not alone. I wish the best for you, I understand how you feel.

Look, I don't know the whole situaution, so feel free to tell me to piss off if you like,
But
a T8 shouldn't need a caregiver or someone doing bowels and things that are 'too personal'.
Maybe he buggered his arms up or something
that can be the only excuse
if not, throw the gloves and lube at him and tell him to stick his own finger up his arse, like a real man!

Yeah, yeah. We can look at a letter and a number (T-8) and think to ourselves from the outside that he undoubtedly should, by MOST peoples standards, be able to take care of his personal care on his own. But, as everyone knows on here, no two SCI's are the same. Right away, when the wife mentions her husbands pain, I'm thinking there have to be other underlying factors that are preventing him from doing what the majority of other T-8's can do.

T8caregiver,
I think you should get him another caregiver regardless of what he says, because the way he's treating you is slowly wearing away at your emotions. And if he has that little respect for you, then you should separate your "caregiver" title from your "wife" title once and for all. Don't give him the satisfaction of your help if he isn't willing to respect you for it!

[sh1wn]

I had alot of anger problems for the first year or so and would lash out on my mom or whoever was helping me. I still don't really know why, I think I just wanted everybody to just leave me alone and let me die because there was no way I could live this way. The whole time I was yelling at people I would be telling myself no don't act like this, why am I doing this? I'm not sure when I got over it but I am glad I did, I still apoligize to my mom for acting like that. I am very lucky that my mom didn't just ship me to a nursing home and be done with it. I am not trying to make excuses for your man, just sharing how it was for me. I think you should take yourself and your girls and leave his ass, six years of abuse is to much, you should not have to live in hell just because he chooses too.
Shawn

[pinkcloud]

Hi Pistol Pete

At first I could not reach behind my back and had part paralysis. I still cant carry things above breast level or stretch my arms out past a certain point. I still have trouble reaching down to toilet too, but luckily I can manage. Doctor thinks its because it pulls too much at the op site or something, especially as sitting down is hard work. And trouble bending forward and twisting makes things even harder.

Anyhows Pistol Pete, no need to P+ss off. You dont have that level injury so you are not to know. I put this on here for other t-7/8 incase they have this and dont want to 'feel they imagine it'.

This post has been edited by pinkcloud: 06 September 2010 - 06:17 AM

[pinkcloud]

Shawn I respect your open honest reply T8caregiver, this is very good for you to read. Shawn admitted what he did - and did something about it. Not sure your husband will and in a way you are encouraging his behavior - if you didnt let him abuse him - then he couldnt. I now this is harsh but its time to toughen up or walk.

All the best.

[stef]

Hi everybody!!!
Long time!!! Well I am so sorry about what I read on your post.
I am not in your same situation but pretty close.
My husband got injured 15 months ago, he is a c6 c7.
He just start to try on getting more sensitive and understanding with me.
He still has big problems with his injury and he gets really mad at me like its all my fault.
He calls me names and tell me mean things.
Sometimes I look in his eyes and I dont see the person I married.
I left only once for 3 weeks and the was in April.
I feel like its going to get better but everytime I feel the way, he gets mad and crazy and drinks and do stupid things.
I feel like you feel.
I cant take it anymore!! We have a 4 years old daughter and we need to fix the situation one way or another.
I cant tell you what to do because I feel the same way I dont know what to do but if you tried everything you could in you marriege and he dosent care, leave , leave now and never look back.
Think about your kids and only them.
I wish you and myself good luck