9 replies to this topic

[Philotes]

Through all the reading I've been doing since my friend was injured I have been surprised that some things and feelings are so universally similar. The big one I'm thinking of right now is how my friend is treating his partner. He is so cruel to her, calling her names, telling her to leave him, witholding his love. From what I read and know of human nature, it is "normal" to lash out at her, and the things she has been telling me about her own feelings I have seen reflected back here on this message board. So, my question to anyone here who can answer it is: how do I best support her as well? She says it is so helpful having me to talk to - all of her other friends tell her to just leave him where I try to strike a balance between telling her to protect herself and yet still point out that he is in a horrible place and he needs and loves her and it will get better. But should I also be talking to him and asking him what's going on and telling him he needs to get control of himself? Or would that do more harm than good? Plus, there's the barrier that he won't talk to me since the accident. If I ask him how he's doing he says he's fine or some other rational, logical response based on the fact that he's paralyzed but still getting out of bed every day.

She is afraid to leave - even for a night away (she does not sleep at his place but stays until about 11 every night). He tells her if she leaves she can't come back. They had problems before his accident - they were broken up supposedly for good in fact. He has always had trust and control issues and has a tendency to smother his partner. Being paralyzed has brought that all out multiplied by a thousand. She can't have ten minutes to herself without him getting angry at her and saying she is abandoning him or cares about things like her job more than she cares about him. I can see her getting worn out and I know she needs a break but I am clueless as to how to coach and guide her to it. If there's anything anyone has done or said to any of the partners on here that has really helped them out, I'd love to hear it.

She's going to a dinner tomorrow night and my husband and I are eating dinner with our friend. Hopefully that will help, but I think he will still be angry at her for it. We all realize it's irrational - he even realizes it I'm sure and that just frustrates him more that he can't get control of his feelings. *sigh* I want to help these two people that I have come to care about, but part of me also thinks I'm supposed to stay out of it and let them figure it out?

*sigh* I have never been in such unfamiliar territory before. I have always been the friend people come to for advice or a shoulder to lean on. I'm not used to being on the other side and so clueless.

[Philotes]

I have encouraged him to find others who have gone through similar things because I know that no one who hasn't gone through it can understand. But I also want to be a friend and help him in any way I can, as I have always done in the past. Hence, me coming on this site and asking for guidance and help in how to support both him and his girl.

For the record, "touchy feely" hasn't been played between us for over 5 years. We were discussing our friendship 2 days before the accident and how we always had a connection and were glad. He then brought up that he had continued to feel more than friendshiply feelings for me but had done his best to ignore them in order to keep our friendship, as well as that of my husband. He was telling me this to explain some of his actions over the years. The only reason I mentioned it on this board was I thought others might be able to tell me that yes that could affect the way he's feeling and why he's not talking to me (and the way in which I should approach talking to/helping him) or that no, it's irrelevant and he's acting normally for someone who was on track and living life one minute and under a bus paralyzed the next.

When did I ever say I wasn't giving him a break or not letting him have control or even not understanding that this is a guy who has more reasons in the world to be angry than I could ever imagine?

I came here looking for advice and help in helping my friend and what I get is people telling me I'm bad and horrible. I'm glad you all have found someplace to offer you support. I guess it's just not the place for me.

LoraB, on May 5 2006, 07:07 AM, said:

Please give the guy a break..the best thing you could do for him right now is to encourage him to get on to a site like this and to speak to some others in the same situation..
From reading yourother posts I dont wonder he is feeling angry...one minute hes playing touchy feely with you and 2 days later his world has been shattered...I shouldnt think he knows which way is up ..he had his dignity and control over even his most basic functions taken away from him..let him have some control ..hes not a child..
Sorry if I sound harsh..its not meant to be.
If I WAS being harsh I would advise you to question your own motives,he may not be the only one with a problem!

[mttb14]

Hi,

If you re-read your messages as an outsider you have to admit that the first posting on the other page did make it sound as if you both still cared about one another more than you possibly should, but after reading the rest of your postings I hope that I see you are both friends.

I don't think my husband would be ok with any of my ex's even though he says he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, he definately would not be willing to let any of them live with us, disabled or otherwise, so your husband must be a wonderful man who trusts you both, and he knows you, we don't.

The main thing I see as your problem is that you keep mentioning how terrible it is that he is now disabled, and I know it is terrible, I live with it every day with my husband, but you seem to be holding back because you are really focusing on the terrible side of the event, maybe he doesn't feel very lucky to be alive, but he is. We all have hopes and dreams, we just learn to fulfill the ones we can in a new/different way. Anger stays inside, and sometimes a smile hides a persons real feelings, but pity doesn't help and the biggest thing that seems to annoy disabled people is the fact that some people treat them differently or they are spoken down to. Most still have the same intelligence and interests, and most have issues to deal with, but who doesn't. You both had a discussion about issues 2 days before his accident, and I think you are just as angry as he is, by the events that have happen, and you are finding them hard to deal with from your own point of view. Stop trying so hard to compensate and just be his friend and treat him as such. If he is rude tell him, if he is funny laugh with him, if he wants some space let him have it.

We have said why us in the past, it hasn't solved any of our problems and we never get an answer to the question. Unfortunately these things happen, and putting the anger and hurt to one side, a lot of the people on this and similar sites, have said it has made them a better person, so who knows.

You say he is paranoid about lots of issue, before and since the accident. Does he smoke canabis now or in the past, that can help with pain and spasms, but also if smoked by young men can also cause emotional and paranoid mental health problems, we have just had to go through 2 years of hell, due to our daughter's boyfriend. He smokes skunk, day in and day out and he is a self harmer, and really paranoid, the whole world is against him, if she was out of his sight she must be carrying on, he turned every arguement into being her fault, (some where but not all) he really had mental health problems, when he wasn't smoking it for a few weeks he was totally different, but the weed called him back and the problems came with it.

I know lots of people smoke it, but it does affect some peoples mental health, and that is a proven fact.

Sorry, if that is a wrong thought, but I just wondered. If he has problems trusting, then that is something you are going to have to let them sort out, maybe his feeling for you behind her back or previous partners back, is making him worry that if he has bottled feeling for someone other than his partner, then maybe his partner feels the same way for someone else to. Feeling guilty can lead to the feeling that you deserve to be treated badly, and it is actually brought on by your own behaviour.

I still think that if he came onto sites like this he could vent his anger, ask questions without having to face the people, and he would see the positive way that everyone rallies round to help each other, even if it is in cyber space. One thing as you have discovered for yourself is that people here really do speak as they find, but don't be put off by it, we all want to help each other, this has been our life line since we found the site, we have had more honest answers, and explanations explained in english, by people who have actually been through it, rather than doctors who with the best will in the world, are very unlikely to have experienced the feeling of chronic pain, paralysis, spasms or spasticity and there fore cannot really understand it, pain can happen for no real reason, but it doesn't alter the severity of it or the fact that it is happening.

Good luck and keep talking and don't go away sulking just because you don't like the first comment you receive, the next might be the answer to all your questions. As you said yourself, you are usually the one everyone comes to for help and advice, it is not so easy to ask for help or to accept the help when it is given. This is still as confusing to us 8 years later as it was in the beginning.

Maria

[rooster1005]

This post has me baffled. Why have you not just told him that he is being an ASS? Why should he be able to treat people like crap just because he is moody. I realize that he has gone through a terrible thing but still.

Sorry if I offend people but I know that Robert is not going to treat me like dirt just because he can't move his legs. I don't get free rein to torment him just because I have PMS, a migraine or any of the other pains I deal with.

Your friend has been given a life that he did not choose to have. However, he was given the chance to still live. Perhaps, you need to remind him of that.

Please don't get me wrong, if he was just having an ocassional bad day I think that would be different. But to have a bad life is not allowed.

[Philotes]

Thank you, Rooster. I tend to cut him more slack than I used to, but I don't think he has a get out of jail free card. Yes, he's had a crap time and has been handed a shit deal, but you're right, he's still a person and needs to treat others with respect and kindness.

Of course, he isn't a jerk to me generally - he saves it all for his girl. I haven't been sure if I should tell him on her behalf that he's being an ass or not. I don't want to interfere in their stuff, but before the accident he would come to me for advice on his relationships so it feels wrong somehow for me to not say something. Now he doesn't come to me for advice though (which I think is partly because he's ashamed of his own behavior), so then I figure it would be butting in. Regardless of that, I really appreciate everyone on here saying that he's still him and I can and should still hold him to the same standards of old. Of course, I never held him to that high of standards before the accident and I don't want to start being harder on him just because I don't want to be going easy on the guy in a wheelchair!

Anyways, again, thank you and you're right! It really helps to hear others' views.

Oh, and Maria - no, he's never smoked canabis or done drugs of any kind. Thank you for the thought/idea though - it was a good one that wouldn't have occurred to me. Things have been slightly better between he and I since everyone on here basically told me to calm the heck down and deal . Things between he and his girl are like a rollercoaster ride and don't seem to be getting better - just when they seem to be better, BAM it explodes again. But I feel much more at ease and less paranoid about the whole thing. Thank you! I have suggested to them both finding a place like this, but I don't think either of them have.

[mttb14]

Hi,

Glad our words are helping, one way or another this site seems to cover every aspect as it covers the world.

I bet since you found it, it has become one of your best friends, even if its to moan to.

This beats counselling, the people here are real and have experienced most aspects if not all of the feelings these injuries can cause in a person.

I would interfere indirectly by saying that I just read on this fantastic site that I have found that partners feel just as frustrated by what has happened, but that not only are they having to deal with the injury and change to their life also, but having to be treated like crap to. The emotional rollercoaster is worse than the injury.

Maybe speaking about an indirect 3rd party, might make him open his eyes to the way he is treating her. You could also say that most of the people on this site have kept the love of a partner or have found new love since the injury, so not to give up just because he doesn't feel he can offer all of the things he used to.

Do they ever go out and about and do normal day to day things, because a bit of normality can help a situation, and prove that there is life after a chair.

Perhaps you should look for some similar posting which you think would help either of them and print them off, that way curiosity might make them read them even if they are reluctant to start with. It might give them both a bit of hope for the future.

Maria

[rooster1005]

Glad I could help you.

After I posted last night I told Robert that I sure hoped I did not make anyone mad.
I am good at speaking my mind and upsetting others.

One other thought that I had is that you need to talk to him about his attitude before the girlfriend dumps him and he blames it on his injury rather than him being mean to her. Don't give me a chance to add any fuel to the fire so to speak.

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

Laura

[want2love]

want2love, on May 20 2006, 05:41 AM, said:

rooster1005, on May 11 2006, 08:45 PM, said:

Glad I could help you.

After I posted last night I told Robert that I sure hoped I did not make anyone mad.
I am good at speaking my mind and upsetting others.

One other thought that I had is that you need to talk to him about his attitude before the girlfriend dumps him and he blames it on his injury rather than him being mean to her. Don't give me a chance to add any fuel to the fire so to speak.

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

Laura

Many years ago my boyfriend was injured in an accident that left him a para during our relationship. He became mean, angry and verbally abusive to me. I had no choice but to end our reationship due to his abusive nature. Unfortunately years later he contacted me to tell me he had acted this way because he did really love me. He felt as if he was a burden to me and had to let me go.
He had alot of adapting and personal healing to do.
I didnt understand then. My boyfriend now is a para. I have told him the story and he said he totally understands where my ex boyfriend was emotionally. It didnt give him the right but he said everyone adapts and heals differently