158 replies to this topic

[Edinburgh Colin]

I'm breeding Haggis if anyone wants to buy some of the offalspring?

[Edinburgh Colin]

Nobody want my baby haggis? they can run 100m in under 9secs and High Dive better than Tom Daley!
Don't fly to good though,

[greybeard]

Edinburgh Colin, on 23 October 2010 - 10:12 AM, said:

Nobody want my baby haggis? they can run 100m in under 9secs and High Dive better than Tom Daley!
Don't fly to good though,

Don't you know it's cruel to clip their flight feathers? All so they have to do the high dives on command. What a brute you are.

[Edinburgh Colin]

greybeard, on 23 October 2010 - 12:26 PM, said:

Edinburgh Colin, on 23 October 2010 - 10:12 AM, said:

Nobody want my baby haggis? they can run 100m in under 9secs and High Dive better than Tom Daley!
Don't fly to good though,

Don't you know it's cruel to clip their flight feathers? All so they have to do the high dives on command. What a brute you are.

Yea but their real ace in the hole is long distance running on Anti-clockwise tracks! That longer right leg for running along steep mountainsides gives them more drive in the left handers you know!

[greybeard]

Edinburgh Colin, on 23 October 2010 - 12:45 PM, said:

greybeard, on 23 October 2010 - 12:26 PM, said:

Edinburgh Colin, on 23 October 2010 - 10:12 AM, said:

Nobody want my baby haggis? they can run 100m in under 9secs and High Dive better than Tom Daley!
Don't fly to good though,

Don't you know it's cruel to clip their flight feathers? All so they have to do the high dives on command. What a brute you are.

Yea but their real ace in the hole is long distance running on Anti-clockwise tracks! That longer right leg for running along steep mountainsides gives them more drive in the left handers you know!

Tasty little buggers though when you can catch them. How do you cope in the w/chair?

ps. No apologies for jacking this thread. It was pretty ludicrous right from the start.

Edited by greybeard, 23 October 2010 - 01:19 PM.

[Edinburgh Colin]

greybeard, on 23 October 2010 - 01:16 PM, said:

Edinburgh Colin, on 23 October 2010 - 12:45 PM, said:

greybeard, on 23 October 2010 - 12:26 PM, said:

Edinburgh Colin, on 23 October 2010 - 10:12 AM, said:

Nobody want my baby haggis? they can run 100m in under 9secs and High Dive better than Tom Daley!
Don't fly to good though,

Don't you know it's cruel to clip their flight feathers? All so they have to do the high dives on command. What a brute you are.

Yea but their real ace in the hole is long distance running on Anti-clockwise tracks! That longer right leg for running along steep mountainsides gives them more drive in the left handers you know!

Tasty little buggers though when you can catch them. How do you cope in the w/chair?

ps. No apologies for jacking this thread. It was pretty ludicrous right from the start.

You use a lobster creel, baited with Oatcakes marinated in single Malt for a few hours, placed just before dusk on the verge of a suitably accessible forrestry commission track in the highlands. Come back shortly after dawn and they are sleeping soundly in the back of the creel satiated on good Scottish fare.

Just drive up the side of the track and open your door and retrieve the creel without leaving the comfort and warmth of your vehicle.

Or you can send the wife out with a shotgun and tell her to run clockwise around the mountain sides blasting the crap put of anything she meets coming the other way. Makes the whole presentation and ode the the Haggis ceremony a bit messy though and the pellets tend to break your teeth using this option!

[dangerousdave]

Or you can send the wife out with a shotgun and tell her to run clockwise around the mountain sides blasting the crap put of anything she meets coming the other way. Makes the whole presentation and ode the the Haggis ceremony a bit messy though and the pellets tend to break your teeth using this option!

Please use option 2 and send all the unused single malt to me care of DHL where i can quarentee it will be used for medisinal purposes

Edited by dangerousdave, 23 October 2010 - 03:18 PM.

[Edinburgh Colin]

dangerousdave, on 23 October 2010 - 03:15 PM, said:

Or you can send the wife out with a shotgun and tell her to run clockwise around the mountain sides blasting the crap put of anything she meets coming the other way. Makes the whole presentation and ode the the Haggis ceremony a bit messy though and the pellets tend to break your teeth using this option!

Please use option 2 and send all the unused single malt to me care of DHL where i can quarentee it will be used for medisinal purposes

Dave, See Proud to be Scottish thread

[greybeard]

dangerousdave, on 23 October 2010 - 03:15 PM, said:

Or you can send the wife out with a shotgun and tell her to run clockwise around the mountain sides blasting the crap put of anything she meets coming the other way. Makes the whole presentation and ode the the Haggis ceremony a bit messy though and the pellets tend to break your teeth using this option!

Please use option 2 and send all the unused single malt to me care of DHL where i can quarentee it will be used for medisinal purposes

IT IS being used for medicinal purposes.

Didn't you know that a well cooked haggis can restore hair growth, improve male fertility, replace hormones in menopausal women. Hell, it could probably cure severed nerves if used at the right moon phase. Have you standing in no time. You can't get more medicinal than that.

On the other hand you could try getting a few hundred people together with a band and all, all screaming and shouting and waving their arms in the air, hollering and halleluya-ing as if their lives depended on it. Then when you feel the hysteria has reached its peak, try standing and walking like an ostrich. If it doesn't work you obviously didn't pull in enough cash. Just keep repeating this act until your banks accounts are overflowing with donations. Then you can really stand up (only if you've been faking, mind) and the donations will flood in even faster. Praise the lord.

[edlee]

There has always been quite a difference of opinion among haggis zealots,, about the preferred means of obtaining these tasty little buggers. ( pardon, please, my use of that term,, tho I understand that is their means of propagation). The decision of whether to trap or hunt the creatures, seems to still give many pause. I will say this, tho,, on the subject of finding lead pellets in your repast, a liberal amount of the aforementioned single malt imbided as both before AND after dinner drinks, will lessen most concerns.

Tho I've not had the chance to compare them sid by side,, I'm told the pen raised are in every way an equal to the free range haggis we are all used to. Has anyone had the opportunity to try both?
ed

[greybeard]

edlee, on 23 October 2010 - 10:04 PM, said:

There has always been quite a difference of opinion among haggis zealots,, about the preferred means of obtaining these tasty little buggers. ( pardon, please, my use of that term,, tho I understand that is their means of propagation). The decision of whether to trap or hunt the creatures, seems to still give many pause. I will say this, tho,, on the subject of finding lead pellets in your repast, a liberal amount of the aforementioned single malt imbided as both before AND after dinner drinks, will lessen most concerns.

Tho I've not had the chance to compare them sid by side,, I'm told the pen raised are in every way an equal to the free range haggis we are all used to. Has anyone had the opportunity to try both?
ed

I tried, Ed, but I never got the chance.

I purchased one of each, from different mail order dealers, obviously, but as soon as they clapped eyes on each other, boy, they were at each other's throats (Yes, they DO have throats, you know) trying to bite lumps out of each other, scratching and gouging something frantic.

The wife sat on one and I tried grabbing the other, but you know how slippery their skin can get when they start salivating. Anyway, I just couldn't get a decent grip. Off it shot, straight out into the street and went "SPLAT" under the wheels of a bus. It was so full of grit, it just wasn't worth cooking. The misses said she was never, NEVER going to sit on a haggis again. She wouldn't tell me why.

[Edinburgh Colin]

greybeard, on 23 October 2010 - 10:58 PM, said:

edlee, on 23 October 2010 - 10:04 PM, said:

There has always been quite a difference of opinion among haggis zealots,, about the preferred means of obtaining these tasty little buggers. ( pardon, please, my use of that term,, tho I understand that is their means of propagation). The decision of whether to trap or hunt the creatures, seems to still give many pause. I will say this, tho,, on the subject of finding lead pellets in your repast, a liberal amount of the aforementioned single malt imbided as both before AND after dinner drinks, will lessen most concerns.

Tho I've not had the chance to compare them sid by side,, I'm told the pen raised are in every way an equal to the free range haggis we are all used to. Has anyone had the opportunity to try both?
ed

I tried, Ed, but I never got the chance.

I purchased one of each, from different mail order dealers, obviously, but as soon as they clapped eyes on each other, boy, they were at each other's throats (Yes, they DO have throats, you know) trying to bite lumps out of each other, scratching and gouging something frantic.

The wife sat on one and I tried grabbing the other, but you know how slippery their skin can get when they start salivating. Anyway, I just couldn't get a decent grip. Off it shot, straight out into the street and went "SPLAT" under the wheels of a bus. It was so full of grit, it just wasn't worth cooking. The misses said she was never, NEVER going to sit on a haggis again. She wouldn't tell me why.

The Pen fed variety unfortunately do not have the extra spicy/gamey strong right leg developed by running wild on the hillsides or the smarts developed by avoiding errant wives with shotguns so I therefore surmise that the Bus victim was a stupid tasteless pen raised specimen.

The survivor (temporarily), on the other hand, which was sat on and restrained by Mrs GB was obviously of the wild variety and as I have said they are considerably smarter and more cunning (whether this contributes to your wifes position on sitting on another one GB we can only speculate!!!) although it sounds like it still ended up with a human outside it so not that smart overall.

Therefore fresh Highland air and exercise results in greater intelligence and a better flavor.

I would say that just about sums it up.

By the way I'm having an Indian Take Away for dinner tonight, no time to go hunting this weekend!

[dingle]

Edinburgh Colin, on 22 October 2010 - 06:58 PM, said:

I'm breeding Haggis if anyone wants to buy some of the offalspring?

Hello
I would be interested in buying a breeding pair but how would I get them as I live near Oxford.,
for some years I have been turning water into wine and this where I need help I can't turn wine back into water.
my family motto is
IN GOD I TRUST THE REST PAY CASH.

Edited by dingle, 25 October 2010 - 07:49 AM.

[Edinburgh Colin]

dingle, on 25 October 2010 - 07:41 AM, said:

Edinburgh Colin, on 22 October 2010 - 06:58 PM, said:

I'm breeding Haggis if anyone wants to buy some of the offalspring?

Hello
I would be interested in buying a breeding pair but how would I get them as I live near Oxford.,
for some years I have been turning water into wine and this where I need help I can't turn wine back into water.
my family motto is
IN GOD I TRUST THE REST PAY CASH.

As I said the wild ones are smartest and have the "bionic leg" so if I point them towards Greenland and send them running of with your address they should get there eventually after heading West, hitting the coast about Dumfries, looping South near the M6 they should get there OK. If they have to ask directions then they are stuffed as they only speak Gaelic and the English accent will have them totally stewed.
I'll send a shagging couple on their way at the weekend and lets see what happens. If they get there and settle in then you may get a litter in time for Jan 25th and Burns night.

What an adventure!!

[dangerousdave]

Now if i can have some of that high class water to turn into high class wine that i can sell on e-bay , then i can buy some of those squidgy hagis's to place on certain seats in the house of lords at the start of the haggis hunting season
With a bit of luck well have some newly disabled lords who will vote for higher DLA that Will then enable me to live like a lord and get my own haggis's for free and stop this extra income your getting tax free

[jenny407]

Dumb German didn't know haggis the animals. Had to look it up. So now, Colin, are yours the low-flying haggis variety or the left-driving haggis variety? Or a different sort altogether?

My God, Scotland! I heard the haggis does compare to our Wolpertinger or Dönertier. Always good to learn something new. Have fun with yours!

[dangerousdave]

There are many breeds of haggis but they all have the low level of intellagence
Thats why some flyers are walkers, some have one leg longer then the other and some just jump into the lochs forgetting that none of them have yet learned to swim giving rise to the loch ness haggis

[Lucydog]

We have a cute one in our fridge that goes by the name 'Macsween'. Hes very quiet and needs hardly any looking after. Sadly he is destined to go to the great Haggis in the sky this week.

[dangerousdave]

Sadly he might take you with him as they are known for bouts of food poisening
As they live in very cold climes the bacteria they harbour in thier digestive linings breed very fast in the cold, there for you have to cook them at very high temp to kill of the bacteria
Thus cold haggis has to be cooked until the the little balls char
Always keep haggis in warm climates for at least 2 weeks prior to tender cooking

[Edinburgh Colin]

dangerousdave, on 25 October 2010 - 02:24 PM, said:

Sadly he might take you with him as they are known for bouts of food poisening
As they live in very cold climes the bacteria they harbour in thier digestive linings breed very fast in the cold, there for you have to cook them at very high temp to kill of the bacteria
Thus cold haggis has to be cooked until the the little balls char
Always keep haggis in warm climates for at least 2 weeks prior to tender cooking

That's just damn cruel! charing their poor little balls, you evil man! And on that point if it a female how do you tell when it's done? Safest bet is to euthanise them in pairs as when his balls fall off she would have been heartbroken anyway!

Lucydog, on 25 October 2010 - 02:18 PM, said:

We have a cute one in our fridge that goes by the name 'Macsween'. Hes very quiet and needs hardly any looking after. Sadly he is destined to go to the great Haggis in the sky this week.

Funnily enough I happen to know the family who used to own him, they have been friends of ours for years they even have the same name - McSween, James and Jo are in charge of the breeding program these days.

jenny407, on 25 October 2010 - 02:00 PM, said:

Dumb German didn't know haggis the animals. Had to look it up. So now, Colin, are yours the low-flying haggis variety or the left-driving haggis variety? Or a different sort altogether?

My God, Scotland! I heard the haggis does compare to our Wolpertinger or Dönertier. Always good to learn something new. Have fun with yours!

Close Jenny they are the left handed type but runners rather than drivers, nae hands ya see and even with the driving modifications we gimps have developed I'm pretty sure nobody in the UK is going to let one of these little buggers drive anyway, even if they could see out a the windaes

[edlee]

Ah,, but Colin my friend,,, there's the need of breeding stock after all. It simply isn't sporting to take the females of the specie. that's why most knowledgable hunters carry a very loud horn with them. Once a haggis is spotted and after a proper stalk,, one blows a loud C flat,, which startles the poor thing making it leap into the air,, where the hunter can ascertain the sex visualy, before dispatching the same.

One simply DOESN'T eat the females,,,, being the prolific breeders they are,, one never knows if,, upon slicing,, one will find a clutch of unborn haggis inside. (They don't lay eggs you know) Which most find quite distressing.

ed

[dangerousdave]

I find the thought of eating haggis eggs quite distracting, these little ones are barely a spoonfull and several dozen eggs would have to be eaten at one sitting
Though in exclusive London reseraunts they are a reknown affrodesiack and highly sought after by those with more money then sense
A true scot knowing the value of money does not entertain such places

[Apparelyzed]

“Another person's ego is the most exquisite of delicacies, king's Haggis eggs - those who taste it can never resist it.”

[pistol_pete]

you lot are all mental cases.

[dangerousdave]

Unfortunatly the haggis can not be known as a mental case as it has yet to be proved that the haggis has any mentalaty
It appears to operate on total recall of its forbearers ability
This has led to some thinking that all haggis are reincarnated

[pistol_pete]

OK then, when talking about more than one haggis do you say haggis's or haggi ( hag-eye)?

and what is the collective noun for the haggis ?

[dangerousdave]

The haggis, haggises, haggis's, haggie, or any name with which we wish to call these nonsenical pieces of offal on legs,wings, or gills. Matters not one iota
Nature has seen fit not to provide this delacacy with any hearing apperatus whatsoever
So what ever you wish to call it or them matters not
Though they have been known to issue particular noises when placed in boiling water, much the same as crabs and other shell fish
So please feel free to call them anything you wish. Just dont expect them to answer

[Edinburgh Colin]

Just had a thought for Jenny.

Can you imagine happily driving down the autobahn one weekend at a sedate 150 km/hr and being passed by a Porche GTR doing 200+ km/hr with a haggis at the wheel!

Sorry don't know where that came from must just be mental!

[jenny407]

Edinburgh Colin, on 26 October 2010 - 12:18 PM, said:

Just had a thought for Jenny.

Can you imagine happily driving down the autobahn one weekend at a sedate 150 km/hr and being passed by a Porche GTR doing 200+ km/hr with a haggis at the wheel!

Sorry don't know where that came from must just be mental!

Ha ha ha ha! OMG. Yes, I can imagine. But I did find "left-driving haggis" in my source of information, as a breed of haggis, honest. The one with a longer and a shorter leg. Hm. Faulty info?

[dangerousdave]

The one with a longer and a shorter leg. Hm. Faulty info?

Not at all Jen, it is well known that the car driving haggis has evolved a very long leg from its tubby round body to reach the accelerator pedal
It is advisable to keep well clear of this particular beast as it has yet to evolve the ability to transfer its lengthy leg from the accelorater pedal to the brake pedal
Much the same problem is known to affect lady drivers