8 replies to this topic

[kcmo72]

Hi there. I am looking for advice to be able to help my new boyfriend. I fell in love with a man with a T/6&7 spinal injury of 19 years ago. He is 34 years old if that matters. Anyway, we've been seeing each other for a few months and even though we've been plenty physical ;), there has not been the need for him to tell me all that he's dealing with due to his injuries. Last night though he had to tell me some things about his bladder issues and it was very difficult for him to talk about it. He was embarassed and clearly upset that he's not like a 'normal' man. I did what I could to reassure him that I love him no matter what and can handle anything and that I just want to support him any way that I can. So, he didn't tell me very much and I know there's plenty more but I didn't pressure him. So, I thought maybe to educate myself and save him some embarrassment, I would do a little research to see what I can find out about how to support him and what he might be dealing with. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I love him with all my heart and his injury does not lessen that at all. In fact I find at times it leads to some wonderful bonding experiences that I would never have with a fully physically abled guy.

Thanks in advance!

[evilmac64]

I would say your on the right track

[russ1]

If he's 19 yrs post injury and T6 chances are he doesn't need anything more than understanding, learn all you can about it and then ignore it..

[smg]

My C6-7 bf was hesitant and embarrassed to talk to me about those things at first too (especially bathroom stuff). I did some research on my own and let him talk to me about it as he felt comfortable. He still gets embarrassed, but I just reassure him over and over that none of it matters to me. I think you're doing the right thing by educating yourself.

[zia]

I agree with what every one has said. I came on to this site to educate myself, too. My friend is a T10 complete - approximately 20 years. He was (and still is) shy to talk about bladder and bowel issues. I took it upon myself to learn as much as I could. I ask him questions about it. I'm usually direct with him. The way I see it - if I act embarrassed or uncomfortable asking the question he will feel that way about answering it. At first he was hesitant to talk about things. But once I assured him (ok more than once) that I was not going anywhere and that I needed to know about these things in order to be more educated on what he was dealing with and how I could help him he was more willing to open up about it. I try not to make it a part of our daily conversation - but if I know he is struggling with something (like a UTI) and I know the antibiotics are going to do a number on him I will ask "how's your bum today". He usually answers, too! Today we had a 'break-thru'. He offered up "my bum says thank you to you today". I had read (on this site) about Critic Aid Anti-fungal Barrier Cream. A lot of you said you liked it. I read up on it on line and contacted the company for a sample - which they graciously provided (full size tube, too!!). I gave it to Chuck and told him to have his PCA's try it out the next time they saw his skin was starting to turn red or get compromised. They gave it a go yesterday. Today - no redness, no swelling. PCA was thrilled. Chuck was happy. I am happy.

Keep asking him questions. Offer up your own issues,too. I found that Chuck was much more relaxed when he found out that I had had UTI's too. I may not have an SCI but a UTI is a UTI. And show me one person who has never been blocked up or had the runs. We all deal with it. And if you can bring some humor to the subject it helps to talk about it more openly.

I'm still learning a lot about SCI's. I read as much as I can. Information is knowledge. And knowledge is power. I may not be able to 'fix' Chuck but I can do my best to make sure he is as comfortable, healthy and safe as he can be.

[sbrown955]

Buy him a copy of the book, "Everybody Poops!"

[Tetracyclone]

Go here and start reading...

http://www.apparelyz...-bladder-bowel/

[thing1]

kcmo72, on 04 November 2010 - 03:50 PM, said:

Hi there. I am looking for advice to be able to help my new boyfriend. I fell in love with a man with a T/6&7 spinal injury of 19 years ago. He is 34 years old if that matters. Anyway, we've been seeing each other for a few months and even though we've been plenty physical ;), there has not been the need for him to tell me all that he's dealing with due to his injuries. Last night though he had to tell me some things about his bladder issues and it was very difficult for him to talk about it. He was embarassed and clearly upset that he's not like a 'normal' man. I did what I could to reassure him that I love him no matter what and can handle anything and that I just want to support him any way that I can. So, he didn't tell me very much and I know there's plenty more but I didn't pressure him. So, I thought maybe to educate myself and save him some embarrassment, I would do a little research to see what I can find out about how to support him and what he might be dealing with. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I love him with all my heart and his injury does not lessen that at all. In fact I find at times it leads to some wonderful bonding experiences that I would never have with a fully physically abled guy.

Thanks in advance!

Hi, my sister is a T8 complete and has been with her AB boyfriend now for 2 years. We are a little younger, all of us are 18 (she is my twin sister btw). And while they haven't become physical (yet) it has been amazing to watch them grow as a couple. I can say that one thing I have observed with them is how trusting they are of the other. This didn't come easy though, she was VERY hesitant to open up to him about well, everything regarding her injury. But once she did, it was like the flood gates opened. The main goal here is you have to find a way to get him to trust you wholeheartedly and not like trust you with his life kind of trust (that's easy) he has to trust you with his heart and his feelings...and for men especially that can be difficult.

My advice to you would be to ask to talk to him and explain to him that you want to understand what he's going though. If he has a bad day you want to know about it. You might even have to tell him that you want to know when he has a bad day so that you know it's okay for you to tell him when you have a bad day, like a trade off (my sis and her bf do this, if she has something she needs to get off her chest he has to do the same so that neither one feels like they are burdening the other, i personally think it's kind of silly to ration it this way but it's what works for them) but find something quirky like this that makes exchanging information with eachother into a game almost, makes it more relaxed...

I don't know, I hope this helps. I'm AB and I'm not dating a wc user so I can't relate to it personally but I hope my post helps you in some way. Good luck

[Edinburgh Colin]

Here's another one where the original poster asks a good question and then does not give any more feedback. Shame as it helps to get an update to see which advice can help others.
EC