20 replies to this topic

[1positivethinker]

Ok...here's a little history on my family.....

I was adopted when I was 5 days old....back in March of this year, I found my birth family and I am getting to know them as they live somewhat nearby....

I got married in 2000 and we built a house in 2003 which I am just now getting the house the way I want it. I am starting to hate the area we live in because most of my "friends" have moved away or just flat out ignore me all of a sudden. We built our house here because this is the area in which I grew up in, but there is no opportunity here for me, and my business is never going to amount to much here.

So...my husband has worked for the railroad for almost 5 years now and he was offered a management position within the company, but it would require us to uproot our children from their school and friends, leave this house that I am so accustomed to and just not getting comfortable with, leaving my birth family behind to move clear across the country. Now, as enticing as that sound because I would honestly LOVE to live somewhere else...my family is all here, my dad's health isn't the greatest, and I really don't want to uproot my kids from the life they know right now. Plus I am very familiar with this area and comfortable....moving somewhere else would be exciting, but worrysom at the same time--finding all new doctors, specialists, hospitals, etc... I have moved 6 times in the last 14 years (before the kids were around and then when they were babies), I am so tired of packing all our things and starting over.

Am I being selfish? Am I holding back my family from something big by being stubborn??

Edited by 1positivethinker, 09 November 2010 - 04:17 PM.

[greybeard]

1positivethinker, on 09 November 2010 - 03:55 PM, said:

Am I being selfish?

It sounds like it.

Quote

Am I holding back my family from something big by being stubborn??

Yes. Kids are resilient. They'll settle wherever you take them (probably quicker than you will). You have your own lives to lead. You can't be tied to your parents forever.

[jenny407]

Christie, I'm not sure the answer is so simple.
There are in fact two sides to this (as so often).

What I can't really understand is what YOU really want? You give arguments why you would like to move - and you give arguments why you would like to stay. It's not about being "selfish". When you're quite certain what you really want, that's your position. The problem is to find out what that is.

In the end, when I read your post again and again, it seems the reasons for leaving do outweigh the reasons for staying. But YOU must decide that - not me.
Staying: Is this mainly about your parents and your children? <True, children do adjust - although it might be difficult at the start.>
Leaving: Is this mainly about your husband and yourself?
Finding new doctors etc. - that's just an effort at the beginning. What would you really LOVE to do?

My advice is to talk this over again with your husband, with friends ... Make a list of pros and cons and really consider them, each. Sleep a few nights before deciding.

And then: Know that whatever decision you take, it will be right (for some reasons) ... and perhaps wrong (for others). But we have to decide! That's life. And then be satisfied - no looking back and regretting. Making the best of it.

I do wish you a happy decision!

[Smileyblue]

This seems like quite a personal predicament you find yourself in..

The answer will have to come from you.. Search deep within yourself and you'll probably find (judging by your post) that you already know what to do..

I would move.. Judging by your post and in your own words, you are not happy living there any longer.. Your biological family can write and visit you, and visa versa.. (harsh to say, but they left you first, and this seems like a serious opportunity for both your husband and your own business).. And your father's ill health should not be a reason to hold you and your family back in life.. A missed opportunity like this may not be repeated and should his health take a turn for the worse, you could always return for a while..

Your current doctors should be able to refer you to doctors in that area so this should not be a problem, and children adapt extremely well and would make new friends in no time..

It sounds to me like a serious case of being afraid of change.. Which is quite normal! This may be the change that you so desperately need, by the sounds of it, and I think that once you decide that this is what you want and need to do for you and your family, you may find yourself becoming excited about the change..

Wish you all the best for a tough decision.. ;-) Good luck..

[jenny407]

Smiley - did you write this at the exact moment I wrote my post? Funny coincidence - and very similar answer, it seems?

[Smileyblue]

Lol.. Yes.. Womens perspectives I guess.. ;-) But we almost always agree on so many issues.. ;-)

[Wheelsonfire]

Positivethinker, yes it is all your fault.

[jenny407]

greybeard, on 09 November 2010 - 04:06 PM, said:

1positivethinker, on 09 November 2010 - 03:55 PM, said:

Am I being selfish?

It sounds like it.

Wheelsonfire, on 09 November 2010 - 05:58 PM, said:

Positivethinker, yes it is all your fault.

Men's perspectives, it seems.
As opposed to smiley's and mine: "women's perspectives" (quote smiley).

Funny world that.

[Wheelsonfire]

Me leaves smileys out......they give out for not seeing humor
Me puts 'em in and they don't see me humor....


Men view with logic.....Funny world that!

[jenny407]

Me leaves smileys out......they give out for not seeing humor

Men's perspectives, it seems.
As opposed to smiley's and mine: "women's perspectives" (quote smiley).

Funny world that.



OK, woofy?
Sorry for having been unclear. My bad.

[1positivethinker]

Wheelsonfire, on 09 November 2010 - 05:58 PM, said:

Positivethinker, yes it is all your fault.

Thanks WOF, I feel better now.........lol

[Wheelsonfire]

That's why I'm here

[jenny407]

Wheelsonfire, on 09 November 2010 - 11:45 PM, said:

That's why I'm here

Yes, my friend. Indeed.

[snowqueeneh]

We moved a lot before my husbands injury. We lived across the country (kids and all) from our whole family at one time. I cannot tell you what is "right or wrong" but I can say that since Pauls injury I truly appreciate how short life can be. I'm sure many of us feel the same way.

If you do not travel much because of your injury... than I say take a chance and move for a while. It doesn't have to be permanent. I know that we want to travel a lot once we get settled. But I also know how difficult this will be for Paul so I decided we would purchase a cottage and spend our vacations there. If we could not afford a cottage than perhaps "moving" would be an option as well. That being said... don't get stuck in the same old because you fear change. Life is way too short for that!

[isobar]

Hi,




Sounds like there's a lot for you and your husband to think about and the decision will have a major impact on the family unit.  Will the promotion be a major advancement for the family providing more resources than you had prior to it? Will your business have a better chance of success after moving to the new area? Could your husband take the promotion and move to the city first? This way he could visit on the weekends you'd still be close to your birth family/dad, the kids could stay in school and the household wouldn't be uprooted right away but gradually overtime. Once a month, holidays or summer vacation you and the kids could  travel to the new city and  see what it's like.... learning more about it in small doses instead of one major adjustment all at once. There's a website homestreet.com, it list pertinent information about the area you want to live in from schools, hospitals, doctors, pharmacies, grocery stores, entertainment, police/fire departments and the area's crime rate. A house isn't just a place we live in, its a part of us and it really hits home when you decide to move all the memories surface and well up inside you.....once the uhaul's loaded and you take that final look and drive away the tears flow. It maybe harder for your family since your home was built in 2003. Take care and best wishes.

[1positivethinker]

We have already decided that it would not be a good idea....first off, the health insurance coverage would change and not for the better....and it's a pay cut to start for the first year or so.

Thanks for everyone's input...I still feel like crap because the only reason he turned down the job offer was because of me - - not just because I didn't want to move but because of my health. Either way, it's my fault he's not getting the job he always wanted.

[isobar]

Dont be so hard on yourself.... your husband made the sacrifice because he loves and understands you. 

Stop pounding your head or you'll bleed.

[Wheelsonfire]

1positivethinker, on 12 November 2010 - 01:27 PM, said:

Either way, it's my fault he's not getting the job he always wanted.

See, all ya had to do was listen to woofy

Serious; life is not all about work or job role, for those who define their ability by such is sad.
Where ever your life takes you, make the most of it while you can.
He loves you, you love him, house, kids, it's all good where ever ye are.

[rue2you]

Wheelsonfire, on 14 November 2010 - 02:18 PM, said:

1positivethinker, on 12 November 2010 - 01:27 PM, said:

Either way, it's my fault he's not getting the job he always wanted.

See, all ya had to do was listen to woofy

Serious; life is not all about work or job role, for those who define their ability by such is sad.
Where ever your life takes you, make the most of it while you can.
He loves you, you love him, house, kids, it's all good where ever ye are.

Here! Here!! It's okay Christie!

[jenny407]

Agreed with WOF and rue. My husband didn't always get the job he would have loved to have - because of family issues. It's not the end of the world. Nobody's "life" is "ruined" because of that.

Go on - enjoy your family. It's ok.

[Tetracyclone]

The deeper question you still have not answered is, "should people move (figuratively as well a literally) outside their comfort zones? You wonder for yourself and for your children.

Of course we should. That is how to grow character and strength and resilience. Move far enough outside that zone that you can bear it even though it is uncomfortable, but not so far that you become miserable and confused for more than a few days at a time. Make change in stages.

maybe start by finding a new set of friends.