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When you become disabled, one thing is for sure - someone is going to have to take care of you. Whether that is a temporary certainty, a permanent one, or a mixture of both, it is a reality that we all have to live with. When I first became paralyzed, I couldn't figure out how to do anything! It took a lot of effort, sweat, frustration, and giggles to accomplish anything. Giggles - well, that's the way I handle stress!
I am so thankful for nurses, therapists, aides - all of those who help you learn the basics. I am thankful for friends and family who are always willing to lend a hand. This article, however, is dedicated to my best friend and the one who has faithfully taken on the grunt work of caretaker in my life.
If you were to ask my husband, Jimmy, if he considered his work as "grunt" work, he would answer an emphatic "NO!" That is because he is just that kind of guy. Faithful, loyal, loving, dedicated...just to name a few of his noble characteristics. Of course I speak as one in love with him, but I want to say more than just flowery words about my man. I want say something to those of you who take care of your disabled partner and to those of you who are being taken care of by your partner.
I am a low level paraplegic which means I can take care of most things by myself. That alone amazes me because I know how much Jimmy still helps me with while having much of my independence! Granted, we have 6 children so the tasks that have to be taken care of are multiplied and our work is much more than an average household. There are so many things though, that no one sees, that he takes care of. Some things I would not even dare to share with you, other things he does because he wants to and loves me. For example, our baby will cry in the night. Now I am perfectly capable of getting up and out of bed, roll into the baby's room, roll into the kitchen and get him a bottle, tuck him back in and go get back into bed. But my beloved knows that what would take me 15 minutes only takes him 5 so he won't let me do it. That is love. He makes sure the shower head is lowered so I can reach it, he makes sure my towel is where I can get it, he brings me my slippers, he pulls off my boots, he searches for things when I can't find them, on days that I am so very exhausted he puts me in bed, and he will allow me to interrupt his work a hundred times a day to meet my little needs. Definition of little need = "Honey, can you help me put this in the oven?" Over and over all day long these little things come up and he is always so willing to help. I am telling you the absolute truth when I say this, he has never, not one single time, complained about any of this stuff.
Now let me share my wicked tendency and what those of us with disabilities need to be careful of. I do say thank you when he does something to help me. I trained myself a LONG time ago - before my disability - to say thank you. It is kind. Many times, however, I will first say "Oh honey, you forgot to wash off the stove" (after I thanked him for washing the dishes) or "Sweetheart, could you please remember to put up your razor?" (after he has just made sure I had everything I needed for the comfort of my shower). Do you see what I do? It is almost like I have this expectation that he not only meet my needs but stay perfect in areas that he may lack in. I do not give him the same grace to have a deficiency although I expect him to have it for me. And I must say, he has given me much more grace for my deficiencies than I have given him. Shame on me! I don't mean to do this to him, but I do and then I always feel so guilty because he is so precious to me. If you are a caretaker of someone with a disability, I want you to know that we do not thank you enough, we do not praise you enough, we criticize too much and we are roller coasters to live with. You will never know the impact you have on our every day lives and how much we truly appreciate you. It hurts our pride to need help, but we are so thankful that you humble yourselves in helping meet our needs and we are learning humility through your shining examples to us.
Especially to all of us in a marriage where our mate helps take care of our needs - we need to thank them, tell them, and show them that we are just as committed to them as they have been to us. We need to encourage them by finding ways to meet their needs so that they are not the only givers. We need to laugh with them, play with them, and move together through life with the wonderful friendship we shared when we married.
Every marriage should involve taking care of each other. When a disability is in the equation, it is very easy for the scales to get tipped too much in one direction which can lead to bitterness and self-pity. We all, the disabled and the caretaker, need to keep our eyes off of ourselves and onto the one we love. This truly defines love: giving myself for the good of another.
Now that I am finished with this article, I just have one thing to say, "Honey, my chair rolled to the other side of the living room! Can you get it for me? I will kiss you if you do!!"
Enjoy one another!
Edited by rue2you, 13 November 2010 - 02:26 AM.
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However, I would love to see Hawaii so about if we just come visit. You have to get me too because I would have to keep an eye on you!
