[birublues]

Hi, I'm new to this site. But like most others, i'm so glad that i found this space to start hearing from pple that may talk themselves of a similar frequency as mine.

I'm in quite a dilemma now and would certainly wish to hear any of your kinds views to help me craft out some thoughts.

I got to know this guy, G, through playing wheelchair basketball since sometime last year. He got into an accident while he was serving his national service and from then was paralysed from the waist down. That was 5 years ago. My first impression of him was only to remember his blonde hair & a big tattoo on his right chest. Me being my usual self, remains hostile towards new friends, hence paid little attention to him.

Certainly, we got to know each other better through the next few sessions of games. Being the only girl in the team, amidst the oldies (on average they are about 40yrs old. only G and another guy is my age - yound 25 yrs old) i am always the target board for teasing factors. oh well, i'm used to it...

At that point of time, i knew well that he was attached to another gal, for 3 years. So he always remain as 'an interesting friend for me to know more about' - no feelings attached then.
Then once we went clubbing together. Can you imagine, he was the one to date for a clubbing session. And i even bluntly asked, ''where can you club?'' honestly, i really din noe then which pubs/club are wheelchair friendly. Through this session, he sort of hinted some interest on me. The only thought that came to my mind then was, how about his girlfriend. After that, we din discuss about it at all. That was torturous on me. So i pluck the courage to ask him through msn. Something problems with the relation with his gal. He found me cute. But at the that point of time, he is confused. Don't know what he can achieve for his life so dun want to end up confusing me as well. Honestly, this really wrecked my days ... and i has some deep thoughts and realised i'm actually quite hitched to him.
ANyway, we cleared up this - i don't like grey situations, and especially i dun wish to be leading others on. Good thing was, even after such a frank chat - we are still friends then i found out his problems with his gal, his school work etc. which got me worried.

That was in Feb 06. I thought, maybe it could just be a crush of emotions on him - and i actually restricted myself from initiating chats with him. if he doesn't initiate the chat i shall just smile away seeing him online. Now that he finish his final exams and is back to the game. we met up again.

he appears to be 'on' & 'off' ... i can't read his mind. I'm seriously hooked on him and really hope for some opportunities to know him better. Sometimes he appears very friendly & concerns ... but he doesn't initiate chats. well i really hope to know. at least some truth. if he's least interested in me at least just let me know and i will jolly well move on - be it no feelings for me or can't get over his ex-gal. i will accept that truth though it may hurt.
but somehow there is this strong hunch in me - he seems to be shying away because of what he is, his physical impairment. how can i find out ?

my friends around me are already asking me to break my thoughts - to pull myself out of this before i fall into the pithole. they were already throwing questions at me : asking me to imagine life with a paraplegic.
seriously, i did think of that. though i dun have very certain answers but i'm positive about it. i'm more concerned of knowing him better first - but if he continues to shy away, how can it ever happen.

i am a stubborn girl. a brave girl who always speaks her mind. i will always fight & try for what i want. so i'm really upset that my friends are already asking me to give up. that's not me - to not even TRY.
but then i thought, if i were to be frank to him & tell him about my emotions, wouldn't this be cruel. as i may end up putting a burden on him.

sigh - what should i do ? continue to just let things happen. though i'm a girl - i wun mind taking the initiative for a spark to go off to ignite things, if it has the slightest chance to happen. but more importantly, at the end of the day, i just dun wish to jeopardize this friendship or add any burden on him.

[Lucydog]

Hi

Well you seem to have a conundrum here. So first of all I wonder how long its been since he broke up with his previous girlfriend? It maybe that he is still hurting over that so he may not really be ready to try a new relationship. He could be just shy, and being a para may not be the real problem, Just adding to it if you know what I mean. Id really ignore your friends as they sound pretty ignorant of anything around disability. Believe it or not we are all pretty much the same. if you got together with him life would be a bit different, but who wants a boring life. You would be able to do most things with no problem you just have to plan a bit more.
Finally Id ask him if he'd like to go out again. Doesnt have to be romantic, just go out and have a laugh. I asked my husband out and we have been together 16 years now, Just have some real fun together and this is the best way to get a reltionship going!
Hope this helps


Luce

[birublues]

Hi Luce,

thanks for your words. tis only been barely 3 months that he broke up with his girlfriend. and i agree with you - he may not be able her yet. i seriously duno. even if i do know, only he can help himself in this recovery. nothing much that i can do.

as for what my friends say, yeah they may not be used to it at all hence can't understand what it is all about. now that i've experienced being on the chair for the past few months (during the days we play basketball as we need to wheel ourselves to the court, at least 2km away from the centre) i'm quite comfortable with it. oh yes, plan in advance is vital. but this is also part of getting used to and a learning process right.

i'm meeting up with him and others for some fund raising acitivities, selling donation stickers along the streets. Luce, i hope ur words can help me sustain and pluck up the courage to even just date him out after the session tomolo. maybe dinner or something. just find a chance for chat n laugh. this is all i ask of actually. i miss his grin, and him teasing me as always.

[birublues]

well, all has come to an end.

i was given a verdict on saturday. seeing is believing and it just reveals the truth.
i had no chance to ask him out after the activity. as simple as it is, as we call it a day, i saw his ex-gf with him. So they are back together - need not more explanations for that.

well, at least this is a closure for me. i promised myself that once i got a closure, i need to move on. so now tis the time for me to do so.

i'm glad to see that she's healthily smiling anyway. and i wish them well.

i find myself so amusing. so silly.
shocked by how nonchalant i can be - bid farewell with a smile, what else can i do.
it's painful but its also time to pick up the pieces.