14 replies to this topic

[25femalepara]

I guess by now I should have excepted the fact that I will never walk again I was hot in March and since then I been telling myself oh yeah I will walk again . Well reality finally hit my and I been crying for days, I pray I can't sleep . THIS CAN'T BE LIFE . This time last year I would have been getting ready to go out it being a saturday night and party with my "friends" (you know the ones that visit less and less once you leave the hospital) I had My own place a job a car my dog and boyfriend. Now I'm 26 I live in a nursing home . People are dying all around me . My saturday night ? hoping I don't shit myself . I totally get it though I do . KARMA I mean I was a horrible girlfriend. I would get drunk alot smoked alot of weed , pissed alot of girls off. Was most def a sinner . So I get. Knowing what I know now well I don't have to tell anyone I sure most people have "regrets" . I feel horrible praying to god now. Sometimes I think he must be like " is she serious " Do I have a right to pray now I never did before so to pray just makes me look like a person who is full of it .. but I mean it when I say I am changed and if god just gave me one chance just one I swear I would live my life right I would do so many things different but I guess I already had a chance and I blew it.


A THOUGHT THAT CROSSES MY MIND ALL THE TIME IS THIS ... I KNOW I WAS A BAD PERSON AND NOW I AM IN HELL LOL... BUT NOT EVERY PERSON WITH A SPINAL CORD INJURY WAS A BAD PERSON BEFORE THE INJURY RIGHT?? BE HONEST .. LET ME KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU SO I CAN UNDERSTAND THIS BECAUSE I'M NOT BUYING THE THAT BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND IF WWWWHHHHHHYYYY!!?? THATS TOTALLY MESSED UP I KNOW I WASNT THE BEST PERSON BUT IF THIS HELL ON EARTH HAPPENS TO GOOD PEOPLE WHY ?

[jscott92064]

Stuff happens......life happens......there's no rhyme or reason......my husband never smoked or drank. He is kind to his neighbors, helpful to strangers, faithful and so loving to me and a great father to our daughter. Had a surgery that didn't go right.

Just comes down to shit happening. No God punishing him, no karma - just plain old shit happens. (and as you know sometimes, literally.)

So here we are - his level of injury is the same as yours.

We're at our one year anniversary and learning how to cope with his new body.

I could pm you if there's more you want to know.

So you partied, smoked weed, maybe wasn't the best girlfriend - in your opinion -- I did that too when I was your age.

Did my husband's SCI happen because I did all those things--nope. Don't buy it for a second.

We had a personal attendant once that told him God was punishing him and I kicked her out the door so fast her head spun.

Just comes down to plain old shit happens.

Now what you make of your life after all this, well, that's up to you. Easier said than done to be happy and independent again.

Anyway, I hear your sadness, frustration, and anger at the situation. Is there anything I could offer you that might help?

[greybeard]

If you want to pray go right ahead - if you really believe there is some sort of super power that runs the show. But then you must also believe that this "loving" entity is personally responsible for giving you your injury. If that's true, having shown its spite once, do you really think that asking it nicely to make it all better is going to change its mind? Like the lady said - shit happens. Whatever happened to you had nothing to do with anything you may have done in the past. Stop beating yourself up about it.

You are facing what almost everyone on the forum has had to face, to a greater or lesser degree, and although you don't want to hear it, the only person who can make a difference to your life - is you. If you ask specific questions here you are almost certain to get some useful answers based on real life experience. Good luck.

Edited by greybeard, 19 December 2010 - 12:20 AM.

[S&W Winger]

Oh jeez...yes, I know how you feel...this does suck A LOT...but there is some good left in Life...though while I was in the nursing home, I felt EXACTLY as you describe...I wondered why I landed in HELL and spent countless hours thinking back over my Life, wondering what I did wrong...

I can't write more right now...will answer in a little while as my aide just arrived to put this 51 year old infant to bed...

...just wanted to let you know that I completely understand and will be back online later tonight write more...

[Soryfam]

Don't beat yourself up-- things just happen. I was having a wonderful life when this all started. I don't for a second think this is some punishment or anything. Just like people have babies, get married, die, and everything in between, an SCI is something that's part of life. This is my three year anniversary. I've been pouting today because I don't have my work Christmas party to go to, the people to do secret Santa with, and all the fun stuff that goes on this time of year at work. So I have a pity party and then get on with living life. Please don't blame yourself or anyone. It's just what it is. It's hard to get beyond the anger, but if you can, you'll find there is still life out there--it's just a different life than you had planned or expected.

Sandy

[Tetracyclone]

Dear Girl,

listen to greybeard. He is old and grey and seen a lot of terrible deterioration in his body for no reason.

It is only 8 months since your injury and I was still crying every day at that point. I learned to take care of myself and cook and clean for my mate as well.

You are t-7. is there something preventing you from learning to take care of yourself? Did you get rehab? In the US people never get enough, but there are some who got none but have learned to take care of themselves.

Read lots of old threads on this forum, and tell us more about yourself, please.

[redroller64]

Hi there,
I read your recent post, and just want to say, hang in there. I was 26 when I got hurt, and can relate to what you are thinking and how you are feeling. I have found that there is almost always some good that comes out of bad situations. Might be hard to see for awhile, but if your eyes are open, you'll see. In the meantime, try not to regret, or look back. All we can do is go forward. You have the ability to live a happy, productive, independent life if you choose to. And Yes! You definitely have the right to pray. I know that my god is loving, gracious, and forgiving. Been twenty years now since I got hurt, and I can honestly say, Life is good!

[MTB John]

Hi there,

Just a thought but instead of asking God for a second chance why not believe that She (my God's female) has already given it to you. Yes you are broken but you are still here, you said yourself, everyone around you is dying. You can only get stronger. So now that you have been given that second chance all you have to do is make the most of it, become the better person and master your new life.. Find anything that motivates you and use it. Me, I'm just plan old stubborn..

Good luck,
J

[D. Smith]

I think I understand (somewhat, as we all cope differently) how you feel. After re-evaluating my life up until this point, I experienced more things in 22 years than most have their entire life. Was I a bad person? I wouldn't say so but by no means was I perfect. Why do I think this happened? I can tell you the theories that I've devised trying to rationalize it out... Honestly though, it may be a better idea just to press forward and carve out your future. Message me if it would help.

Edit: Interestingly enough, we joined on the same day. Cool.

Edited by D. Smith, 19 December 2010 - 08:21 AM.

[BalancedInteger]

I read this. I really hear what you are saying, 25fem. Let me tell you what I think.

I sense a lot of skepticism on this board when it comes to God. Is He really up there - pulling the levers, or the strings. Working the machine, deciding who gets afflicted and who is spared? Ah, well. I for one believe that there is a God, and that He hears us when we pray - when we ask Him in prayers so earnest and so invested that we shake, sweat, and cry to lift these afflictions from our bodies. Yes, He hears.

Sometimes the answer is, "No."

Why? I don't think anyone can honestly answer that question. Personally, I used to wonder what I did to deserve being put into a wheelchair. I mean, really: What could have an eighteen year-old man done in his life to deserve it? After a while it occurred to me that...deserve has nothing to do with it. It doesn't matter that you drank a lot, or smoked enough weed to put Chong in a coma. Or whatever else you did that makes you think that you got what you deserved. Everyone is tested in their own way, and it seems as though some are tested more often, or with greater severity than others.

You want to know a little bit about me? I wasn't exactly the best of people before I was injured. I smoked weed. I got drunk on occasion. I ran around, caused trouble. Broke hearts. Hurt feelings. Pissed people off purposefully. But I wasn't wicked. I don't think you were, either. You might not want to hear it, but the truth is - Bad things Do happen to good people. There is no Karma, and God isn't looking to keep the score even or balance the scales.

I am not a very religious person, so I don't want to come off like some devout follower of the good Lord here. I'm not trying to witness. I just want to reassure you: No matter how dark and cold and lonely you feel, you are not alone. God is with you, even if no one else is. If you feel like no one is thinking of you, well...you reached out on this forum. People are thinking of you now. I am thinking of you. We know how you feel. We've been where you are, and we've clawed our way out of it one way or another, only to tumble back down the Rabbit Hole once in a while.



I want to ask you: Do you have to be in a nursing home? I understand that there may be good reason for you to be in one. Lord knows that if it wasn't for my wife, I might be in one myself. My kidneys don't work. I do hemodialysis three times a week just to stay alive. I have neuropathy in my feet and legs, and I am just now starting to get over a really bad urinary tract infection that laid me up with fever all week. So believe me when I say, I know how bad it can be. Which is why I can also say this: If you don't have to be in a nursing home, get the hell out of there. Reach out and ask (pray, whatever), "Why am I here? What is it I am meant to do?" The answer might not come immediately. But it will come - maybe as what seems to be an innocent, coincidental occurrence. That is how it happens for me, anyway.

I suppose I'll step away from the pulpit now. I really am not the preacher type. But I'm really pulling for you, 25fem. Feel free to send me a private message about this, or whatever else. I'm sure there are a lot of other friendly ears/eyes that you are acquainted with here, but whatever you do or whoever you reach out to...please do not let yourself fall into despair. You may never walk again, or maybe you will. No one knows what the future holds, but you can still have a happy life ahead of you. You just have to keep going for it; that part is completely up to you.

[S&W Winger]

Hey, I sent you a PM late last night...did you see it? Hope you could see some of the positives today...and could call those agencies...will try to get you some numbers today if that helps...you could pray or not, what you need is Earthly action to help you and your situation...

[tyvin]

That's exactly what I was thinking; what in the Hell are you doing in a nursing home? Are you bed bound for some reason and if not start getting it together and get out of the nursing home. Talk with the social worker and call those numbers that Bev sent you.

If you are not bed bound and have all your mental marbles then you (and only you) can change your circumstances. If you think it's impossible then you need to change your attitude because anything is possible; all you need is faith in yourself.

[stillgotswag]

Sci sucks, it is hell, all you can do is try your best to make it better. You won't be in that nursing home forever, unless you want to be. Its hard work, but you will make it out. Its only the beggining.
This didn't happen because of your lifestyle so please don't blame yourself. Cry, cry, cry...its how we clean our souls, but fight hard.
You're very pretty, you'll get your Saturday nights back!

[25femalepara]

Tetracyclone, on 19 December 2010 - 12:44 AM, said:

Dear Girl,

listen to greybeard. He is old and grey and seen a lot of terrible deterioration in his body for no reason.

It is only 8 months since your injury and I was still crying every day at that point. I learned to take care of myself and cook and clean for my mate as well.

You are t-7. is there something preventing you from learning to take care of yourself? Did you get rehab? In the US people never get enough, but there are some who got none but have learned to take care of themselves.

Read lots of old threads on this forum, and tell us more about yourself, please.

DEAR TET
IM A T7 COMPLETE . I WAS SHOT . I HAD A LITTLE REHAB BUT I HAVE NO TRUCK CONTROL. I CAN DO A TRANSFOR BUT I NEED HELP . I CANT CLEAN MY BACK SIDE OR PUT AN ENEMA IN.

[25femalepara]

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THE HE LOLLP ! THIS IS A GREAT PLACE TO GO WHEN I NEED ANSWERS OR FRIENDS . EVERYONE HAS MADE ME FEEL BEETER THANKS BEV FOR THE NUMBERS. THANKS SWAGG ;) SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL SO PRETTY ANYMORE BUT I KNOW THATS JUST ME BEING INSUCURE ABOUT MY WHEELS