17 replies to this topic

[Channy]

Does the anger ever go away?

My fiance was paralyzed Oct. 2009 and although most days I do a good job of hiding it, I'm still very angry inside that he's now paralyzed and that something like this could've happened to us. We were in our early 20s, had a one-year-old daughter, our wedding was in the midst of being planned, he had an amazing paying job, and then BAM. Life happens and he gets into a car accident and is now paralyzed. Everything has changed. He's now the stay at home parent while I work full time and I'm angry. Not at him. I'm angry at the situation. Why us, you know? I don't feel sorry for myself very often (or, at least, I don't complain about it as publicly as I am now) but it still pisses me off.

This was more of a rant than anything else. My apologies.

[JimG]

Channy, on 29 December 2010 - 02:52 AM, said:

This was more of a rant than anything else. My apologies.

Rant away.....

Eventually, you'll learn to deal with it and whatever life you have will become "normal".

Maybe not "easy"....but "normal".

[airart1]

hell I'm 20 years and it still pisses me off, ruined a marriage, you got to have some good grit to deal with all the baggage that comes along with it all, then i see someone worse off and it changes me back to normal as it gets for awhile.......

[Tetracyclone]

I have never truly been angry at fate, but I was pretty mad at the guy who hit me for perhaps a year and a half, until i realized both his and my lawyer were in collusion and even my insurance company would never see a cent from them. In hindsight i could have done better, but at the time I was too sick. I put it behind me emotionally because the anxiety and anger were .. well I was just sick of being upset.

I have been very sad and disappointed to lose my wonderful body. I still love to move, I love every little improvement, but it is so sadly incompetent. That said, I was 58 and had already put a lot of hard miles on this body. I could no longer jog- only bike. Bodies wear out and one has to find a way to accept limits, and then mortality, but it is such a huge shock to young people like yourself. I know I cannot truly fell your pain, girl, nor do I want to!

Truly this was one of many lessons in life where one is shown that what one expected is often quite different from what one gets. Did you think YOU had won your husband's great salary by winning him? Yeah, we females do that but now you become one of the many women who unexpectedly heads the household. Some days you will just be grateful you did not lose him, and that he is here to parent your child. Some days you will rail at fate because you are tired, and you cannot have things you want. Tired, tired, tired- that is life with SCI.

Perhaps the story of Job in the bible can take meaning for you now. Job loses everything, gets horribly sick, and through it all storms the gates of heaven ranting, "Why me? I have done everything right and obeyed all of God's laws. Why me?"

Most days God did not even bother to answer him.

Your new fate as an SCI family is indeed still new. Rant when you need to- you suffered a devastating disappointment at a time of high expectation. Know also that many people with many different and difficult fates have managed to accept life on its own terms, and to wring satisfaction from just being here. You can, too, though the moments will come and go.

[Glor]

Channy, You have so many reasons to feel anger, but I would just like to say that anger is the most destructive emotion of all. It is important to process/channel anger away either through exercise or meditation or whatever, because when it settles (becomes a habit) it will change the course of your life...it is also really harmful to your health and well being. I have so many examples of what I am saying that I can't possibly start to tell them here, but believe me when I say, it is a really good thing to express your anger and to pursue means of dealing with those emotions. Take Care.
Tetracyclone - beautifully written post.

G

[jscott92064]

Anger is part of the grief process and everyone has their own time line for that. In time, yes, it won't hurt so much and perhaps you can use the anger to your advantage, meaning let it drive you to do great things. Look at Christopher Reeve -- he was so angry about his situation that he created an entire foundation that helps folks.

In this way, anger can be a good thing.

But like the others say, if you let it eat away at you, it can harm you over time.

That being said, my husband's injury was one month after your husbands and I do get angry here and there. I do yoga, garden, etc., and occasionally I need to say "hello" to my anger and then let it go......or go out and yank out weeds --my anger makes the situation very good for that!

Hang in there!

[JimG]

jscott92064, on 29 December 2010 - 04:53 PM, said:

Anger is part of the grief process and everyone has their own time line for that. In time, yes, it won't hurt so much and perhaps you can use the anger to your advantage, meaning let it drive you to do great things. Look at Christopher Reeve -- he was so angry about his situation that he created an entire foundation that helps folks.

In this way, anger can be a good thing.

Absolutely....

While we don't have the fame/money he did, we're doing our small part in our community to make it more "disabled friendly" by working with city officials to fix problems in a constructive/cooperative way by raising awareness.

It's one way of dealing with the loss that I get a lot of satisfaction/joy out of doing.

[jscott92064]

Absolutely....

While we don't have the fame/money he did, we're doing our small part in our community to make it more "disabled friendly" by working with city officials to fix problems in a constructive/cooperative way by raising awareness.

It's one way of dealing with the loss that I get a lot of satisfaction/joy out of doing.
[/quote]

Our city is finally implementing a parking policy for disabled access in residential areas. We were the squeaky wheel and that will make things easier for the next folks, which I hope are far and few between. But if they do need it, it's going to be there in the next month.

[Channy]

I just want to thank everyone for their responses.

I don't get outwardly angry very often. I'm typically not a "boo hoo, why us?!" Kinda person when it comes to his accident BUT I do have my days.

I'm especially angry when I hear about my friends in new relationships and their super sex lives and cuteness with hugging and holding hands. I miss that the most - holding hands in public. We still do sometimes but its hard because shoppers are morons and don't move so its hard to maneuver around them. But yeah! Also sad about the spontaneity of their sex lives since ours is virtually non existant now. We haven't had sex since his accident. He's ready to go at it but I'm the one holding back. I am almost 100 percent sure something "clicked" in my head when I heard of his accident and super depression settled in or something. He never used to be able to keep me off him but now I'm turning him down.

[jscott92064]

Channy, on 30 December 2010 - 03:00 AM, said:

I just want to thank everyone for their responses.

I don't get outwardly angry very often. I'm typically not a "boo hoo, why us?!" Kinda person when it comes to his accident BUT I do have my days.

I'm especially angry when I hear about my friends in new relationships and their super sex lives and cuteness with hugging and holding hands. I miss that the most - holding hands in public. We still do sometimes but its hard because shoppers are morons and don't move so its hard to maneuver around them. But yeah! Also sad about the spontaneity of their sex lives since ours is virtually non existant now. We haven't had sex since his accident. He's ready to go at it but I'm the one holding back. I am almost 100 percent sure something "clicked" in my head when I heard of his accident and super depression settled in or something. He never used to be able to keep me off him but now I'm turning him down.

Channy - I find myself having a hard time relaxing for sex. It's because I feel like I am on "high alert" at times - making sure he and our daughter are okay, pets are fed, etc.

It's tough say after helping him through a nasty episode of constipation and then trying to feel sexy. The area I need to work on is relaxing and finding balance so I can enjoy intimacy again.

Just want you to know I get where you are coming from. I'm trusting that my sex life will come back full force once we get to our new "normal", which i hear is about 2 years and then things smooth out. In the meantime, slow, gentle steps with each other - that's what we do.

I'm with you about holding hands in public and also getting people to move so you can wheel around them --ugh!!!

[Tetracyclone]

Dearest Channy,

I am almost 100 percent sure something "clicked" in my head when I heard of his accident and super depression settled in or something. He never used to be able to keep me off him but now I'm turning him down.

I think something clicked in my mate's head as well. He said only that he geared himself to expect nothing. I was weak and using all my energy to cope with adjustment to the physical changes, but that non-expectation has become habit. I want a sex life, but it demands a lot of preparation now and he associates sex with surprise and spontaneousness. Since I intermittent cath it is important for both of us to shower first, and of course better if I have cathed. i have tried making dates but he makes fun of the idea or does not cooperate.

My mate is not my caregiver, as I can take care of myself now, but he is my enabler- without him I do not get out in our present location.

I'm just saying I see it happen here too. My strategy is to keep nibbling at it, so to speak. A little thrill here, I get him off there, I get myself off when maybe he will wake up and take interest...

I see it as trying to start a long cold engine. For one as young as yourself I think the fire of instinct and hormones can burn out the residue of depression if you give it a chance... one nibble at a time...

[slyd]

Hey Channy
The "why me?" syndrome will be there, but u have to banish it !
U have to change it to the "what now?" state of mind.

Sex perception is very varied amongst sci/ab relationships; , you will find your way if you talk honestly about it with him/her . . . !
Talk to each other * * * *
Good luck!*

[dangerousdave]

I will never get used to it, never be not angry
So I accept and live with it
That keeps those f**k it days to a minumin and my happy days to a maximum
After all it's those f***k it days that keep me sane - they remind me how lucky I truely am

[isobar]

Hi,




Sorry your lives changed so drastically and things were going so well for you both .  Somethings are beyond our control and sometimes all we can do is determine how we'll live our lives.... forge ahead in spite of the hand we were dealt even though its doing or happening transformed us into a person or situation we want nothing to do with nor any part of. Humans are some of the most resilient beings there are.... given time, awareness , mental adaption and will we get where we need to be.

It's understandable that you're angry that's only normal. Angry is like a beast , it feeds on its prey until there's nothing left. If you remain this way it will take a toll on you, everyone and everything important in your life. Eventually your man will sense its presence and may feel responsible for things being as they are. Hopefully you two have talked about it and dont let it get in the way of your relationship. If you need help get it , so you can find the proper way to channel what you're feeling and going through.  Take care i wish you well.

[isobar]

Hi,




Sorry your lives changed so drastically and things were going so well for you both .  Somethings are beyond our control and sometimes all we can do is determine how we'll live our lives.... forge ahead in spite of the hand we were dealt even though its doing or happening transformed us into a person or situation we want nothing to do with nor any part of. Humans are some of the most resilient beings there are.... given time, awareness , mental adaption and will we get where we need to be.

It's understandable that you're angry that's only normal. Anger is like a beast , it feeds on its prey until there's nothing left. If you remain this way it will take a toll on you, everyone and everything important in your life. Eventually your man will sense its presence and may feel responsible for things being as they are. Hopefully you two have talked about it and dont let it get in the way of your relationship. If you need help get it , so you can find the proper way to channel what you're feeling and going through.  Take care i wish you well.

Edited by isobar, 02 January 2011 - 03:06 PM.

[slyd]

Yup, u don't ever get used to it . . . .

[mcwriter]

Okay, now I'm angry because I have tried three times to respond to this thread and keep getting interrupted. Now I am determined....
But of course, now I have forgotten what I was going to say! Ugh.

There are a lot of factors that can build up on a carer and then turn into the anger mentioned by Channy...the 'ol, "This was suppose to be the perfect life I imagined"----BAM, and then the 'ol, "I want sex but now I can't have it the way I want"---BAM.

Life is full of obstacles...physical, emotional, psychological....it is a learning process on all fronts. It is all about finding that different way around, it's about choosing how you are going to react to something...you can choose to see the bad and choose not to learn or you can choose to see the good, learn more than you thought and live the adventure.

My husband and I had our rude awakening 6 years into our relationship and after 16 more, I still run into the two things she mentioned sometimes. Of course, I happened to have a stubborn streak about a mile wide, so when I get frustrated and thinking that life wasn't supposed to be this way, really it is from being tired, not enough hours for what needs doing, juggling too much at once and when it comes down to it....It is due to expecting to have control over things I don't have control over. I have to realize it, let it go and deal with the things I really can do something about.

As for the sex, I run into a lot of times where my husband is in a stretch of time where his pain level is so high that the tiniest touch and he says it hurts, so then I am afraid to touch him, so I don't. The problem with that is, some time will go by and he will feel better but I am still thinking I shouldn't touch him yet---I should have asked! Then other times like the ones mentioned in this thread, where it just doesn't seem like we can coordinate our moods at the same time or a million inconvenient things happen.

There just isn't going to be the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect circumstances. What you have to do is ACT when you have that impulse. Even if you don't get to follow through for some reason, even if you get no further than a kiss, or one little seductive touch----DO IT!

Because by these little acts, something happens to both of you.
#1 - you are going to quit pushing it out of your mind, thinking it's not possible
#2 - you are going to be delighting yourself and your partner that you are even thinking about it
#3 - you will be making an effort to show your affection, and even the smallest touch can go a long way
#4 - it doesn't matter where you are or even who else you may be with, you can do those little secret affections between you, even if it is just that sexy look that tells your partner what you are thinking about, that can help to wake up the desire and keep it alive between you.

In conclusion---you have identified what is bothering you, which means you are looking for something to change. Take this opportunity to approach it differently, a little at a time. Begin to make a dent and keep at it. For change to happen around us, we have to start with ourselves. Let go of yesterday and work with today.

[xxm]

Why us ?


This is the most self-destructive question and its better if we don't ask it.


Asking it means that we believe someONE rules the game called life .
Means also that this ONE has chosen us not for nothing but because we are guilty for something.
Knowing that we are innocent and righteous build up ANGER.
This compound of GUILT and ANGER is among the most destructive feelings as they are aimed at something in the past and for this reason can NOT be changed.
It can change nothing it can only destroy.


Channy,
When I was your age I also used to ask this question but once burned I never touched it again.
Only pain can change the way we think and act.


It's better to believe that things - good or bad - just happen to us, happen to everyone?


Wish you and your beloved find peace and joy.


I'm sure you will
Rudy