[warpok]

Hello All:

I am new to this site and honestly, this is something that I should have done many years ago. I have been married to my wife, who has a T4/5 injury for 6 years. She has bee paralyzed for about 12 years and was in a chair when we met. When we first got married, life was wonderful - or so it seemed to me. Three years into our marriage, we had our first child, and she had some complications with the pregnancy. A year and a half later, she gave birth to our second child. About once a year, she has major complications, mostly with infections. In the past couple of years, I have not been there for her, and this has caused a major rift in our marriage and due to this lack of support for her, she has lost faith in me.

I know I may get chastised for this email, so I am prepared. I have never been injured nor has anyone in my family, so I really never knew what to expect. We did not date for very long and early in our marriage I was enamored by her poise and conviction and her will and desire is astounding. Unfortunately, those things that I loved so much about her, I seemed to have taken away from her and never realized it until recently.

Over the past 18 months, she has moved back to her mother’s house three times (this is the third). I don't want to loose her, and I know that what she has lost, I have taken from her. She doesn't trust that I can be the compassionate person she needs or that I am interested in being there for her. What can I do to change this? How can I learn more about how to be that person she needs? I realize these are really simple questions to some, but for me, they are not. I always though that she did not want anyone to assist her - in fact, she used to get mad if someone did. She is very independent. Could it be that the children have taken a toll on her? Again, I know these are really stupid questions and that an able body person would want the same, but I thought I was giving her the independence she required, and took it for granted that she would ask if she really needed something.

In my heart, I know it's over, but I still love her and I still want to try.

[mttb14]

Hi,

Have you tried telling her all of this?

This is from an abled bodied female with a male injured husband.

My first marriage ended not because of lack of love on either side, but because of lack of being there from him to me, alcohol was more important than me. He always thought that no matter what he did, I would always be there for him. In the end I had enough of being strong for both of us, and just could not take anymore, so I divorced him, plus he carried on twice for very short times, I think in his mind he had two affairs as a punishment to me for moaning about the alcohol consumption. Drunk nightly, and I mean drunk not tipsy. I refused to go to the pub every night and if I refused to go, he carried on, and told me straight away.

When we are little girls growing into teenagers and then women, all the stories tell of how the princess finds a prince who loves her more than life itself, and sweeps her off her feet, marries her and then looks after her for the rest of her life. We may not show that this is what we want, but believe me, whether we are strong willed and fighters, abled bodied or not, we all occassionally want a man to look after us, take away the worries and to make us feel secure and safe.

In a lot of cases we end up replacing the mother of our man, and spend a lot of our life having to look after the man, and be strong for both of us. I love John more than I could ever express, and if he's down I'm there for him, but if I'm down, he is there for me. It is not about being abled bodied or not, there are times when we all need comfort, love and understanding. It sounds as if you have finally got your head out of your backside and have finally realised what you had, now you might have lost it.

Talk to her, write her a letter expressing how you feel, because the written word is far more compelling than the spoken word, you can re-read it, time and time over, but only write the truth, don't make promises you don't mean.

I'm really independant and strong willed, but there are times when I just want John to carry the burden of life. When he is down and I ask him if the wants a hug, he says yes, the same as when I need a hug he gives me one. It is amazing how good it feels to have a strong pair of arms around you, for those few minutes it re-unites you and makes you feel stronger as a team.

It is horridable when your partner slowly erodes your personality, which is usually what we fall in love with first of all, it takes a long time for it to come back and most people who have been hurt, build a wall around them, and each time they get hurt, they build another protective layer and it is very hard to penetrate that wall once it has been built. It is your bodies way of looking after you and your self preservation.

As the saying goes, families who play together, stay together. Thats not to say you cannot both have independence, but every body needs to know their partner is there for them, or what is the point in having a partner.

If she has left three times already, why haven't you discovered what is making her so unhappy? Have you talked any of it through. If she's willing you both need to have an open and frank conversation where you can both speak openly and there is no shouting or grudge bearing or you will never get to the bottom of your problems.

Empty promises, flowers and chocolates don't solve the problems they just brush them aside and then they fester away in the depth of your mind, and the more you think about them privately without airing them, the more of a problem they become. Years ago, when John and I had a problem which had caused us to split up, before we were married and before his injury, we had a 24 hour open day. Either of us could ask anything about our problem, we answered one another truthfully and there was no shouting allowed. It worked for us and we have a much more open relationship, but neither of us bottles things up, we speak up and discuss our problems near enough at the time they happen, that way we deal with them and then put them behind us.

(Our problem was John felt I was still in love with my ex-husband and felt that he was living in his shadow, and he had also been seeing someone else because he was not sure about us and I found out. This was close to my divorce and we had moved in together way to quickly, both being on the rebound.) Luckily, we worked it out and got married a few years later, and we have a great relationship. I am in awe of how John copes with the pain and suffering, but according to him, I'm his rock and I give him the strength to fight, but I think he has the strength himself, I'm just his crutch when he needs it.

Use your eyes and if you can see she is struggling offer to help, don't wait to be asked. Women won't ask a man to hold a door open for her, but if a man does as a mark of respect, it makes a woman feel good about herself. Little things make all the difference, it is not about being disabled or abled bodied, it is about repect for your partner. We all like to feel loved, and we all like to feel appreciated, no one wants to have to do it all for themselves, or what is the point of having a partner in the first place.

Hope this helps, but as previously mentioned, only say what you really mean, and actions speak much louder than words.

Good luck.

Maria

[Joed]

Hi warpok....

I wanted to reply to your post, because I'm going through some of the same issues with my husband of 16 years. Maybe I could give some insight into what your wife may be feeling.

I've been disabled since birth, but always fiercely independent as well. In '03, I became paralyzed following cord surgery. My son was three at the time, and as difficult as that was physically, emotionally and even spiritually, it was made even more difficult when my husband simply checked out.

He began refusing to do any repairs around our home, refused to install a handrail on our front steps for me (my neighbor graciously volunteered), and last summer he only mowed our grass two times. I couldn't even walk in my own yard and my scooter couldn't navigate it either. After nearly two years of lack of sun and the outdoors, save for going to doctors and therapists, when I expressed that I'd just like a space to get out and get some sun on my skin, play with our son, he informed me that if I wanted to feel the sun on my skin, I should just go out and stand in the driveway. In that entire two years he never even so much as squeezed my shoulder or showed any support whatsoever. It gets worse, but you get the idea.

He became the poster child for passive-aggressive.

It's never been easy for me to ask for help, and frankly I didn't need help before the paralysis. Although I have some tougher realities to contend with now, those old mindsets still rule...so I don't make my needs known as much as I probably should. And true to form, being female, I expect him to just see some things on his own without my having to ask. When that doesn't happen, my resentment builds...and since I no longer have the luxury of bucking up and picking up the slack, the frustration grows.

I too have lost my trust and faith in my husband...I'm working on building that up again, but it's going to be a long road back. I felt abandoned, betrayed, scared and angry. When I needed him most, he simply wasn't there and everything fell onto me, when I was least able to endure it. I spent every ounce on energy I had into trying to give my son some normalcy and good memories during this time. To hell with the housework most days....they're only young once, right? And I only had so much to give. I can't tell you how frustrating and destructive that can be to your identity. I've never felt so alone as I did during that time. The damage that my husband's apparent apathy caused runs deep...and I'm not normally one to hold onto grudges...but this is going to take some time to heal.

It's so important to communicate expectations and strive to become an attentive listener. Most people don't know how to really listen attentively...it's truly a learned skill and requires a lot of focused energy and....well.....attention! But when it genuinely happens, it's instantly recognized by the other and hopefully will be reciprocated.

Try and remain patient, keep the communication open, and be always alert for opportunties to show her that you really will be there for her from now on. And make no mistake...she really does think that you can read her mind. But since we know that you can't, be sure and find out what her expectations are from you at this point.

I hope you two get things ironed out. You'll be stronger for it in the end. Hope has wings....

This post has been edited by Joed: 29 May 2006 - 11:36 AM

[mttb14]

I have attached a detailed list of how Chronic Pain makes John feel, I have taken lots of bit and bobs of this site to find the words, but I sent it to John's solicitor in the hope that some of it might sink in, even though I doubt it, but it might help you also, if you read it, it might help put things into words.

It just put lots of things into perspective, and my dad was disabled for most of my life before I met John so I've had to deal with it as a child and now as an adult. I do wonder now, how my parents hid so much from us, giving us a really good child hood.

This attachment would have described how my dad felt aswell as how John feels, so hopefully it will help others too. My mum read it and agreed with it, so I hope it helps you also.

Maria

PS It is probably easier to open attachment and print it off to read as it is slightly long.

 chronic_pain_details_16th_May__2006..doc (62.5K)
Number of downloads: 79