23 replies to this topic

[Chel]

I hope I am placing this in the right section; if not please forgive me. I’m having a really hard time since being in 2 different hospitals for a total of 2 weeks. They discovered I have some new swelling in my spine which caused me to lose ability in my right arm and also caused me to have paralysis in my right diaphragm causing breathing problems, but my problem is that since these new discoveries and limitations my friends have disappeared. I was limited before, but still did a lot of work with my hands such as any kind of work including business. They also came around and we did fun things together, but now the only time when any of them come around is when they need some Tech work or some paper work. They never even pick up the phone. It hurts a great deal and has become somewhat depressing. I do as much as I can for myself and only call my hubby for water in my cup, but it seems as if he is tired of me too. Where do I go from here?

[123]

Chel,

'Friends' like that aren't worth having. In fact they're not friends at all. It's at times like this that you find out how many people you can truly rely on and, unfortunately, it's often not many. I tend to cherish and appreciate my real 'friends' now far more than I ever did. These few people have kept me together physically and mentally through thick and thin. Sometimes I've laughed and joked with them, other times I've screamed and bawled my eyes out, but they've never gone away or ignored my calls. But then I would do exactly the same for them and probably you would too. Have all your friends disappeared? It's a big world out there and you will meet new, decent friends who are genuinely interested in what you have to offer as a person. Best of luck to you.

Leah

[Simba]

Chel I feel for you, but sounds as if the friends that you had were only 'good time friends' as I like to call them, there for you when it is fun to socialise or otherwise if they need anything from you. In truth you are probably better of without them as they are causing you pain through their lack of consideration, understanding & caring. new friends will bound to come your way who will be real friends in every way to you, so look ahead to that happening. Are you able to go out at all at the moment and meet people anywhere? If not hang on and know there are at least caring people on here who you can chat to and discuss your feelings with. I know it's not the same as having physical contact and vistitors - but it is a start - you are not alone. We only recently established contact with some people who are good friends to us, it took quite a while to come across the right type of people and now we have a couple of good friends.

It's quality not quantity that you are looking for in terms of friendship and I wish you well and hope that some people start offering you more support. Friends who are not reliable are also not worth their weight in salt.

And as a consololation - there is always this forum it's where I come most of the time due to lack of real social contact and it has helped me having a place to go where I will be listened to and can talk about things just to get them out of my system, I hope you will also take advantage.

[Chel]

Thank you 123 and Simba,

Right now I am on bedrest and unable to go out due to changes in health and overwhelming pain; it was so bad Tuesday, I had to get two pain shots to get a break in the cycle. I have one friend that calls some times, but the hard part is my church acts like I'm invisible too. I was the secretary. I know God is able and will see me through, but it still hurts.

[Tetracyclone]

You will endure, dear one, and we are at your fingertips.

[cskumar]

Chel, on 07 April 2011 - 09:35 PM, said:

I hope I am placing this in the right section; if not please forgive me. I’m having a really hard time since being in 2 different hospitals for a total of 2 weeks. They discovered I have some new swelling in my spine which caused me to lose ability in my right arm and also caused me to have paralysis in my right diaphragm causing breathing problems, but my problem is that since these new discoveries and limitations my friends have disappeared. I was limited before, but still did a lot of work with my hands such as any kind of work including business. They also came around and we did fun things together, but now the only time when any of them come around is when they need some Tech work or some paper work. They never even pick up the phone. It hurts a great deal and has become somewhat depressing. I do as much as I can for myself and only call my hubby for water in my cup, but it seems as if he is tired of me too. Where do I go from here?

same feelings am also having........my friends disappeared too............. what a heartless world ???????????

[Smileyblue]

I know its hard to understand, but I look at it like this: people (yes, even friends) are afraid they might "say or do the wrong thing", so they try to avoid you.. Not because of losing interest or caring less, but because of FEAR OF OFFENCE.. In the beginning, my own father did not come to see me or visit me, as he would cry for me each time, not so much out of pity, but out of pure fear of offending me by saying something wrong.. It was up to me, in the end, to show him via the family grapevine, that I was ok with me and that it didn't matter to me what anyone said, slip-ups and all.. Fear is a very big motivator..

Then there's the other part of life that's harder to accept.. When we are injured, we are incapacitated for a while, during which time we are out of our usual movements with our circle of friends.. As you know, once that happens people move on with their lives.. Think of when you move.. Even your best friends move on.. There's always promises to write and to call, but it never lasts.. Life goes on.. Its a sad fact of human existence, but that's just how it is..

Now's the time to look forwards and not to dwell on the past.. The friends that come along for the ride are real, and the new ones you make may be friends for life! And if not, never mind! There are many more friends out there, just waiting to meet you!

[pinkcloud]

Hi Chel

This happened to me too. I am known as the 'strong one emotionally and physically' and for them who loved me, it was tough going. A few didnt speak to me for a few months. They contacted me again and they explained that they had to try so hard to not cry when they saw me that they couldnt face me. And I did understand this. Having a few friends whom have lost children and people crossing over the street to avoid them made me aware of how some people can be in times of trauma. I explained to them they are allowed to be sad for both myself and themself. And we are now just as close. To see a close one go thorough this, gives a wake-up call that 'this bubble we live in when we are AB, thinking that we are invisible gets broken.

You mention religion, a couple of 'religous' people I know commented that 'i must be cursed to have this' made me reealise they were into religion to 'save themself from hell', rather than 'wanting to be there for others because they were loving people'.

Thorough life we change, we either change together or not at all. They changed into un-caring people. I guess you still care for people? So trust me, you made a lucky escape not to be associated with such people.

Most importantly, a wise consultant anaesthetist said to me 'just be thankful that on my part, friendship ended because it was just my body that went wrong.
On their part it was because their personality went wrong'.

With sci, we have lots of time to sit and think. I am lucky. I like myself. And I guess you like yourself too? Being one of faith, perhaps you can pray and say thanks that you are lucky you are not someone who would dump someone when they are down. Things could be worse in life. You could be like them.

All the best

[isobar]

Just focus on what you need to do for yourself as for your hubby its hard on him too give things time ...... as for friends if they stop coming around then learn to except it for want it is and when you're able meet and make new ones if you have to. Make any adjustments how you can the best you can for your life circumstance has changed and so will parts of the life you knew so well. Adapt and move forward when you can...... hopefully things will get better in time. Sometimes rain , sometimes sunshine and sometimes somewhere in between just forge on and you'll find your way.

Edited by isobar, 08 April 2011 - 10:42 AM.

[Chel]

Thank you all sooooooooo much; you all really made me think. I have always tried to put others feelings above myown and I never allowed myself to be in pity for myself because I know that there are people going through a whole lot more than me, son I would focus on them sending cards, fruit baskets crocheted blankets and other thinking of you tinkets because I wanted them to know someone cared and was thinking of them. God even gave me a ministry called "Rest 2 U". I was focusing on people with SCI, MS, Cancer and other illnesses that restricted them from getting out the house and some wanted to go to church, but no means were in place, so I was working on getting my Mark 3 van out of shop where it has been for 2 years; to do more for people going through similar things. I Love my hubby, but I know he gets tired to because he wish he could make things better. I try not to be a buden on anyone by doing as much as possible for myself.

Thank each of you for opening my eyes a little wider so I can see and understand.

[pinkcloud]

[quote name='Chel' timestamp='1302287589' post='219618']

Chel there is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves sometimes. If we lived in a big world of denial about how we feel fed up sometimes, we wouldnt progress to get better. By writing this post it seems you have said 'ok, yes it can be a lot worse but heck - so can life be a lot better. Now how to I get to 'the get better part' again?'.

As you are aware, there are not as many people in the world who care about others - as them types whom 'only cares if someone wants to care for them'. As a helper to others, you must have seen this many times in your life, because of how hard it is to find volunteers to help with your causes.

Just think about them people with MS etc you visit. I am sure that there are many lovely people you meet and that they are alone. And I am sure that a lot of them are not alone due to being horrible people, or fault of their own - that its just because their friends have left them, as you have found some have left you. Its the world be live in today. But by you helping as you do, will show others that it dosnt have to be this way.

You are continuing to make a positive out of the negative health situation you are in. Good for you. I look forward to reading and positive insights you make along the way

[bucsaringer]

Hi Chel,
There's not much, I can add to the thoughts and advice from the people who have already posted. I was in a rehabilitation center for four months after my accident. I met a lot of SCI patients, ate with them, talked with them and spent a lot of time in therapy with them. There was one thing, I was forewarned about. They told me, your friends will come around, a good bit at first and then slowly, one by one disappear. Sure enough, that's what happened. A lot of these friends, I spent a lot of time with, going up to my camp, hunting, fishing and partying. While I was in rehab, they all pitch in and help modify my home for me. Some of them were good time friends, others were like brothers to me. I still love them as friends, it does hurt that they're no longer part of my life. But right or wrong, I believe it's a common side effect of a life changing injury. Like we all have here. I still have a couple, the come around once in while and I thoroughly enjoy their company. I've made new friends, through therapy. This site is obviously a good place to vent and make friends. Sometimes, I think our friends have a hard time dealing with the fact, that we can no longer participate, the way we used to, and it's hard for them to see us this way. I wish you the best and if you want online friends, there's a lot of people here, on this site, who will be proud to have you as a friend.

[Chel]

Thanks to all of you; you have lifted me; I was feeling kinda down today, not to mention the pain is horrible right now. That's how it has been for me, one by one friends disappear, but I try to take it one day at a time to make things as best as it can be. I am so thankful for this site and thank each of you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

[goose]

sometimes, we just have to clean out the closet and start all over. you know us girls like to shop for new stuff. well, sometimes , we have to do that with friends too. some people have so many of their own problems-they just can't handle anyone elses. we have to reach out to others and make them feel at ease. i have found that i've made new friends with people i would have never given the time of day to before. i've expanded my mind or maybe just grown up or adapted to this new life.
i still feel awkward going to new places and having people stare at me [which makes me tense which brings on spaz]. i try to relax but after 25 yrs in wc it's still hard. just too vain.
the new friends i've made after seem to care alot more.

just relax and they will too.

[pinkcloud]

Hi Chel

I loved the post above, its spot on that is about clothes. The friends we loose are like our wardrobe, if we buy a high seasoned fashion garment, especially into todays throwaway culture, it can cost us a lot of money (with friends its time)and we dont want to throw it out but when it dosnt fit anymore because our body shape has changed, or gone out of fashion quickly it dosnt suit us anymore and away it goes.

Me friends give me their clothes for which i am most grateful for - to me it means they think of me (what a gift hey) and saves me money so i can spend what i like on me kids instead. thats more important to me than keeping up with the latest fashions :-) except for shoes of course i love me flat shoes :-)

I hope your meeting more people chel and realise how lovely you are and that your self esteem is high. Let us know how your getting on.

Miss cloud

[ssxin]

My injury showed me who my true friends really are....

[Tatiana]

I know how you feel with regards to the dissapearing friends. I didnt have many but the ones i had i thought were very good and true friends but unfortunately not as good as i thought.

Only just today i emalied my 'best ' friend to tell her that i had decided i am done with her.

I try to be so positive and to be thankful for the life i have, albeit with its own difficulties and challenges, i know there are many worse than i. I enjoy my family and the experiences i share with them and the moans! I also feel sorry for myself and get upset and frustrated....and i also laugh at myself...i have to :-)

I do hope you feel more positive soon, it isnt easy :-)

[greybeard]

Tatiana, on 26 May 2011 - 12:11 PM, said:

I know how you feel with regards to the dissapearing friends. I didnt have many but the ones i had i thought were very good and true friends but unfortunately not as good as i thought.

Only just today i emalied my 'best ' friend to tell her that i had decided i am done with her.

I try to be so positive and to be thankful for the life i have, albeit with its own difficulties and challenges, i know there are many worse than i. I enjoy my family and the experiences i share with them and the moans! I also feel sorry for myself and get upset and frustrated....and i also laugh at myself...i have to :-)

I do hope you feel more positive soon, it isnt easy :-)

Your anger at you friend´s behaviour is understandable, but burning bridges is probably not something to be encouraged. Your friend may just need time to come to terms with your new situation -- as do you. True friends are hard to come by and usually worth making an effort to keep.

The best place that many have found for sharing their moans is this forum. We understand exactly how you are feeling. Friends and family often do not, or can not. Most here will give you a sympathetic ear ( but there are one or two notable exceptions ). Just take what you want/need from our (often) rambling responses.

[Snakeye]

Life is change and friends come and go throughout life (except for a few exceptions or if your living a fairy-tale existance)even for the able-bodied..It's a natural thing and we shouldn't take it personal..Being disabled seems to accelerate the proccess tho..

[Tatiana]

greybeard, on 26 May 2011 - 12:24 PM, said:

Tatiana, on 26 May 2011 - 12:11 PM, said:

I know how you feel with regards to the dissapearing friends. I didnt have many but the ones i had i thought were very good and true friends but unfortunately not as good as i thought.

Only just today i emalied my 'best ' friend to tell her that i had decided i am done with her.

I try to be so positive and to be thankful for the life i have, albeit with its own difficulties and challenges, i know there are many worse than i. I enjoy my family and the experiences i share with them and the moans! I also feel sorry for myself and get upset and frustrated....and i also laugh at myself...i have to :-)

I do hope you feel more positive soon, it isnt easy :-)

Your anger at you friend´s behaviour is understandable, but burning bridges is probably not something to be encouraged. Your friend may just need time to come to terms with your new situation -- as do you. True friends are hard to come by and usually worth making an effort to keep.

The best place that many have found for sharing their moans is this forum. We understand exactly how you are feeling. Friends and family often do not, or can not. Most here will give you a sympathetic ear ( but there are one or two notable exceptions ). Just take what you want/need from our (often) rambling responses.

When i was physically more 'able, this friend was a great friend. I taught her daughter horse riding for many years..for free,stood in the rain, wind and hail..supported her financially emotionally and practically in so many ways.Her family was judged by so many people and i always stood up for her no matter what and fought her corner.

She visited me once when i came out from hospital, she knew my daughter was struggling (who has asperger syndrome) looking after her horses, trying to look after my business and practical things at home whilst i was in hospital.
I went to a horse show on sunday, invited by my friend, to watch her daughter in a competition. It was the first time i had been out where so many people knew me and didnt know what had happened to me. Many stared in amazement as i striggled out of the car being helped by my daughter....my good friend walked away and went to sit in a cafe with her new friends 20 steps up from ground level..and didnt even say bye.
Now that is one 'bridge' i do not need. I have my pride.. and upon reflection could not find one thing she had done for me ..without payment :-/
I do not need for her to 'come round', my relationships/friendships are unconditional...we are none of us perfect.
Sorry..slight rant :-)

apologies for my spelling errors :-)

[Snakeye]

I don't blame ya for spacing her off..People are capable of great meaness...As for "unconditional" friendships..I never ran into that except in the movies but perhaps that represents a defect in my personality..Even on this forum you only hear from many of your so-called "friends" when they are hurting, but usually a deafening silence when your in a bind...I'm sorry this person hurt ya but some folks just can't bear to be around "sick" people...I'd suggest ya forget this person and get on with life cause your only hurting yourself holding onto this bitterness...

Edited by Snakeye, 26 May 2011 - 03:24 PM.

[mike13]

Hey Chel.

I really can realate on this subjuect.
The accident that I was in, is the same one that killed my Wife.
And from the very moment it happened, My In-Laws blamed me,
to the point of telling me to my face that I killed there Daughter/Mother.
The best one was when they called me satan. O wait that was the devil!
So, see I can really relate on this.
And to tell you the truth. Ya it fricken hurys alot. That sticks and stones stuff is bull.
They do hurt and they hurt down deep.
But what I have learned is that some people cannot handle missery or pain so they have to blame someone.
So if everything will stop and be ok! Then fine go ahead and blame me.
I know the truth and it no longer bothers me what they say, for they do not know what it was truly like.

I hope this in some way helps, and if not.
I hope you got a laugh out of it.

[pinkcloud]

hi mike 13

your words speak the truth in volumes..it was the 'accident' that gave you injury and took your wife.

However for some people blaming, screaming and shoutng at 'an accident' isnt enough....'an accident' cant talk back beause its an event that happened.

I like your humour, it does help me a lot too. Being mad and sad forever with some aspect of life does no good, laughing at that apect will....its hard to be scared/intiidated/angry about something we laugh at.


And if your satan...and you are here on earth, i think you may have been locked up in prison by now....

You were unable to save your wife, her parents were unable to save her life..rather than be angry at themself, they can be angry at you instead. After all none of you are top surgeons...top ambulance paramedics and even if you are...theres a rule where even they are not allowed to help others they have emotional bonds with.

thank you..putting in perspective that friends whom were not who we thought they were, therefore we miss the image, not the reality...and missing you wife is two majoe extremes not to be compared..in me situation anyway.

Thnks for sharing, i just felt any left bits of hurt i felt melt away

Edited by pinkcloud, 24 July 2011 - 05:05 PM.

[mike13]

WOW! well thank you so much PinkCloud.
That Last line of your post has lifted my spirits as well.
As far as the Satan thing and prison? does it count, if I was in Jail? hahahahaha..

well thanks again
Bye..................................................................................