666 replies to this topic

[Apparelyzed]

Ok, I'll get the ball rolling:

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled,

"Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added,

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply,

"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Ironside]

Let's hope I can tell this joke after the World Cup

Why do all the German football team carrying lighters in their pockets?

Because they lost all their matches


This guy goes into a chemist and says to the pharmacist "I would like to buy a vial of cyanide please?" With a puzzled look on his face, the pharmacist asks "what do you want the cyanide for?" The chap replies "I want to kill my wife" the pharmacist replies "I am very sorry but I cannot sell you cyanide for that reason" The chap looks rather unhappy and says "hang on a minute" he gets his wallet out opens it and gives it to the pharmacist. Inside the wallet is a photograph of the guys wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and is rather shocked at how ugly this man's wife is. He says to the chap "sorry sir, I will go and get your cyanide, I didn't realise you had a prescription"

[Joed]

A country boy goes to the big city to get a job. He gets a job as a salesman at a super/mega store. At the end of his first day, his manager asked him how the first day went.

Manager: How many sales did you make?

Country Boy: Only one.

Mgr: Only one? What's the problem?

CB: But it was for $300,000.

Mgr: That's fantastic! I've never heard of anything like that!!! How'd you do it?

CB: Well, this guy came in and we were looking at fish hooks. He wanted a small one, but I talked him into buying a bigger one. And since he got a bigger hook, he needed a bigger fishing pole. And if he was going to get a bigger fishing pole for some serious fishing, I told him he might as well buy a fishing boat. He said he'd like to, but his car wasn't big enough to haul a fishing boat, so I sold him a bigger car! All in all, the sale was $300,000.

Mgr: WOW! I can't believe it! All because he wanted a fishhook?

CB: Well, no. Actually he'd come in to buy his wife a box of tampons. I told him, "Well, your weekend is shot . . . you might as well go fishing!"

[Kevin]

President Bush walks into a meeting about the Iraq War and ask, "OK, what's the latest?" One of his staff answers, "I'm sorry to report, sir, but we've had reports of the deaths of 2 Brazilian soldiers."

Much to everyones surprise the President looks down, burying his face in his hands. He's obviously troubled by this news. After a minute he looks up... "OK... How many is a brazilian?"

[benok]

There once was a filthy rich man who had loads of money, a big house, and lots of women. In fact, he had everything his life he was a complete bore. To fight it off, he would have annual parties that were just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous debauchery. Yet he was still bored. One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles.

Halfway through the bacchanalia he announced, "Anyone who can swim across my pool and get out to the other side still alive can have my house." There was silence, nobody took his dare. He spiced up the offer, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks." Still silence.

Spicing up the offer even more, he threw in not only his house, his investments, and stocks—he threw in all his money as well. Suddenly, there was a loud splash. A man was fighting for his life with the crocodiles. The struggle was bloody but the man managed to swim across the pool and get out alive, half dead with an arm and a leg chomped off from his torso.

"Oh my God," said the rich man, "that was incredible! When do you want the house?" "I don't want the house," said the poor guy. "When do you want the money?" The man said he didn't want it either. "When do you want all my stocks and investments?" "I don't want your stocks and investments," the brave man added. "Well, what do you want, then?" the rich guy, perplexed, asked. The man replied: "I want the jerk that pushed me in."

[Lee]

A guy and his son walk up to the gates at Sunderland football club and handed over £5. He says "can i have two please", the lady taking the money said "what u want? Centres or forwards".

Someone has broken into the trophy room at Sunderland AFC and stole everything. Police are looking for thieves selling a red and white carpet.

[mttb14]

It was a really hot day on the beach and the burger vans and ice cream vans were all along the edge of the beach. The smell of the onions and burgers were drifting down the beach towards the sea.

There was a shark who kept popping his head out of the sea and each time the smell of the burgers and onions made his stomach rumble.

He noticed a crab in a nearby rock pool, he called the crab over and asked him to go up to the burger van and to get him a quarter pounder. The crab was really grumpy and complained asking why should he have to walk all the way up the beach. The shark said, "well you've got legs so you can walk up the beach, I can't." After begging the crab for about 5 minutes, he finally gave in.

The shark lay there basking in the warm water enjoying the smell of his food cooking. About 10 minutes later he saw the crab coming back down the beach, with empty claws.

When the crab reached the water line, the shark asked him where the quarter pounder burger was. The crab said that it smelt and tasted so nice he could not help himself, and he ate them both.

The shark who was less than impressed shouted up the beach to the crab, "YOU SHELLFISH BASTARD."




I know its corney, sorry.

Maria

[Apparelyzed]

A woman walked into her kitchen and saw her husband there with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm swatting flies".
"There are no flies in here".
"Not any more!" He said. "I just killed them. Three of them. Two males and one female".
"Aw come on! Two males and one female? How could you tell?" She asked.
"It was easy. Two were on my beer can and one was on the phone!"

[Ironside]

You CAN Take It With You!

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.

"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Edited by Ironside, 13 June 2006 - 06:58 PM.

[russ1]

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth, George W.
Bush turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."

George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[xMaddiex]

^^ haha, i like that one!

Lee, on Jun 12 2006, 10:27 AM, said:

A guy and his son walk up to the gates at Sunderland football club and handed over £5. He says "can i have two please", the lady taking the money said "what u want? Centres or forwards".

Someone has broken into the trophy room at Sunderland AFC and stole everything. Police are looking for thieves selling a red and white carpet.

this one i dont get...oh wait, i just got it as i wrote this post! very good!

[knightrider]

A guy walks in the pub with a monkey buys a couple of pints and starts drinking them when all of a sudden the monkey goes mad and starts jumping up and down everywhere and eating all the peanuts and snacks off the bar,then jumps onto the pool table,picks up the cue ball and swallows it whole! Then the bar man says to the man ' hey did you see that? your monkey swallowed the cue ball whole!' 'Oh dont worry' says the man it doesnt suprise me. Then the man finishes his drink and goes.

Two weeks later the man returns with his monkey. Buys two drinks and sits down when all of a sudden the monkey goes mad again! jumps up and down everywhere and onto the bar and picks up a cherry and sticks it up its ass,pulls it back out again and eats it! The bar man sees what happend and says to the man ' urrrh did you see that your monkey just picked up a cherry and stuck it up its bum pulled it back out again and ate it!' 'Oh' said the man. 'Ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

[Jwheeltiger]

Office Help Needed

A sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED - Must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air (signaling at the ad).
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample Excel spreadsheet and Access database, retouched a picture with Photoshop, then presented them all to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

[Joed]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[Joed]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few m inutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Apparelyzed]

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

[Jilly]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde GUY were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

they were eating their lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and cabbage!! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, Im going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed," burrito again! If I get burittos one more time Im going to jump off too!"
The blonde opened his lunch and said,"bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, Im jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death!
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a buritto, and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If Id known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexicans wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didnt realise he hated burritos so much!"

Everyone turned and stared at the blondes wife. The blonde's wife said.."Dont look at me! He makes his own lunch!!"

[LadyPilot]

Not really jokes but good all the same....

Take any three numbers from one to nine in sequence, then reverse them and subtract the smaller from the llarger. The result will always be 198. Eg. 123 would become 321: subtract 123 from 321, and the answer is 198. Try it.

Three people went into a restaurant, they each had a three course meal and paid £1 per person. They demanded a refund because the soup never arrived. The manager gave the waiter 50p to give back to the three diners. But he took 20p for himself and gave 30p to the three. This meant that each of the three paid 90p for his meal. 3 x 90p makes £2.70, plus the 20p the waiter took makes £2.90. Where did the other 10p go?


After serving his Company loyally for over 30 years the chief Engineer retired. Several years later the Company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company recieved a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his service. The company demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark £1
Knowing where to put it £49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

[Apparelyzed]

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they
collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first guy
says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like"? The second guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts
and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look
like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[bubbleandsqueak]

so this really is not a joke. it's a cat in a bottle. it is odd.

http://vids.myspace....i...1682511&n=2

[Dancingdolphin]

Can you cry under water? Sure why not? Just don't breath in

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? They have to get to my level

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? Have you ever seen that movie office space? Yeah something like that.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Tell ya when/if i get there

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? While pizza makers are lazy the box makers dont cut corners

What disease did cured ham actually have? Chicken pox

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Because we thought we would be living on the moon whith a lot less gravity so our luggage wouldnt weigh as much

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Because they woke up ever two hours screaming to be breast feed

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Movies are bigger. It would be kinda hard to fit in a 30 inch tv.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because they havent figured out its much better to pay to go up in a plane and then jump out of it

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Eh, they're busy. They gotta run around to different rooms. Easy answer

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Oh ok now I get it. Took some time to think about. Well, you can say take off/put on your panty and bras. It just sounds better the other way around though

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Because their are pleanty of not so decent human beings around

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Seems to be a lot of songs that no one cares about. Like britny spears doing it again.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? That's a good question. My friend has a hears. I'll ask him and get back to you.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? That would make for one very short series.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Because to get the time you look at your wrist if you have a watch on. When you go to the bathroom you don't really look at your junk. Well, ok, maybe some of us do but it isn't something that is required to relife yourself

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! He is just goofy.

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? The thrill of the hunt!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Duh, babys

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? yup

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? I just sung both of them in my head and yes, they do.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? TO answer your question

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Because if it's inside the atmosphere they call it a metorite. When it's out of your butt they call it poop.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Maybe you didn't brush your teeth today.

[dom]

Saddam was sentenced to be shot at dawn.
he was allowed one last request,to choose his firing squad.
he chose Lampard,Gerrard and Carreghan at 12 yards

[DaveP]

A forensic pathologist welcomes his new class of students and says, "The first thing you must learn is to feel at easy with a dead body." He immediately sticks his finger up the bum of the dead body, pulls it out and sucks his finger. He gets all the students to do the same.

"The second thing you must learn is to pay attention to detail. Note that I placed my index finger up the bum and sucked on my middle finger."

[mttb14]

Tommy Cooper style jokes so I'll apologise first!



Hee, hee….

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,the steaks are too high."



6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off ".



8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’Is it common?' "It's not unusual."



13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."


"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"



14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."



15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!



16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'



18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.



19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"



20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"



23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night




24. A fisherman was busily fishing in the afternoon sun, a passer by came up to him and asked him if he had caught any fish, he replied "yes". He was then asked what bait he was using, he replied "liquorice", the passer by looked astonished. After a couple minutes of thinking how liquorice would be a good bait, was it the smell? was it the fact that it had a rubber type consistancy? He asked the fisherman, what types of fish he had caught using the liquorice, the fisherman replied "Allsorts".

Edited by mttb14, 07 July 2006 - 10:25 AM.

[zepac]

<<Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People>>
<<There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live>>
<<When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris>>

From Chuck Norris Facts

[Chilepepper]

Two guys from Cape Cod are sittin' in a boat on Pleasant Bay fishing and drinkin' down beer when ! all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find

[Okie Rick]

Ya know why your turds are tapered on the ends?





























To keep your buttho from slamming shut.


the end.
Rick
-

[Joed]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

[Jilly]

Age shall not weary us!!!

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, " How old was your husband?"
"98" she replied. "two years older than me" "So you're 96", the undertaker commented. She replied, "Hardly worth going home isnt it".


Reporter interviewing 104 year ofd woman " and what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied..."no peer pressure!"

Dont think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Ive still got it but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Hot on purpose, some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

I'ts scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is that they have to squat down first.

dont let aging get you down. Its too hard to get back up again.

remember you dont stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[lune14]

Joed, on Jun 16 2006, 11:02 AM, said:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

I'm sharing the asteroid one with my hemorrhoid doc!

These were too funny!