668 replies to this topic

[scaldedcat]

paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here, boy" he replies.

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

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An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

keith

[MTB John]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(Wait for it ..... )

"Only when he's been drinking, officer."

[Maltese Cat]

scaldedcat, on 27 April 2012 - 01:46 AM, said:

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

keith

i'm in stitches....!

[guido]

What's the difference between Sarkozy, Netanyahu and Obama?

[MTB John]

Speak softly and....................:.....................how does the rest go??

Edited by MTB John, 10 May 2012 - 12:53 AM.

[Ratticis]

[scaldedcat]

The new government symbol is announced




The government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....





A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!





Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

[Ratticis]

[Aparr]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."