[LadyPilot]

Yes, I know Im either late or very early for Christmas but I came across this and thought it was funny

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."

[LadyPilot]

Real flight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

[Trail-Boss]

"WHAT COLOR IS THE RAIN WHEN IT HITS A TIN ROOF?"

[Trail-Boss]

Trail-Boss, on Jan 16 2007, 09:15 AM, said:

"WHAT COLOR IS THE RAIN WHEN IT HITS A TIN ROOF?"

OK, HERES THE ANSWER.....
ARE YA READY?

OH SHOOT, I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YA.
I GOT SOMETHING COOKING ON THE STOVE!!!!!!!!

Trail-Boss, on Jan 16 2007, 09:37 AM, said:

Trail-Boss, on Jan 16 2007, 09:15 AM, said:

"WHAT COLOR IS THE RAIN WHEN IT HITS A TIN ROOF?"

OK, HERES THE ANSWER.....
ARE YA READY?

OH SHOOT, I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YA.
I GOT SOMETHING COOKING ON THE STOVE!!!!!!!!

ALRIGHT, I'M BACK NOW.
OK,OK,OK....
HERE IT IS.... "PINK"
YOU KNOW, SOUNDS LIKE....

pink-pink-pink-pink-pink

[bigsmiles]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[juls]

Too funny!!

[bigsmiles]

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:

I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother F*****
While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her boobs are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure I'd love to wear a condom!
We haven't been shopping for ages, let's go and I can hold your purse.
Stuff Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.
The Perfect Day According to ... HIM

10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:15am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
2:15pm Enormous lunch
3:00pm Oral sex
3:15pm Play sports with the guys
4:00pm Drink beer with guys
6:00pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10pm Oral sex
6:25pm Huge dinner, more beer
11:00pm Full on, get down, gorilla sex





The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big!
I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
The Perfect Day According to ... HER

8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30am Light breakfast
11:00am Sunbathe
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30pm Shopping
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds
3:00pm Facial massage and nap
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing
10:00pm Make love
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms




HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, with beer....

[LadyPilot]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishmen want to get in but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover. Tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Pocklington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing"

[Mary]

Three blokes were out hunting in the forest when alas!they discovered they could not trace their way back, they were lost. Shortly they were abducted by some bush men and taken to their cheif!

The Chief looked at them and asked them what they would like him to do for them "help us get out of here please" they all said. The chief told them he would set him free but only after going thru one test. The men agreed. He asked the three of them to go round his forest and come back with a 10 fruits of one kind each. So the guys set off. The first guy came back after only 5 minutes carrying 10 red apples, he was very happy with himself and gave them to the chief. The chief told him to push the fruits up his ass one by one without making a sound - if he made so much as to wimper he would die! So the guy pushes the 1st apple, 2nd apple but at the 3rd he screams and is killed. The second guy came back carrying berries. The cheif asked him to do the same thing. He pushed the 1st berry, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th but on the 9th he burst out laughing. He was taken to the chief who was baffled and asked him why he burst out laughing when he was so close to freedom! The guy who was now in stitches said 'yes chief i know i was only 1 berry away from freedom, but when i saw my other friend coming back with 10 pineapples i could not help it Ouch!!

[bigsmiles]

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[LadyPilot]

Cheating Accountant

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read:
"Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

[bigsmiles]

LadyPilot, on Feb 12 2007, 06:45 AM, said:

Cheating Accountant

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read:
"Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Like that one!

[DeepandBlue]

so whats this teaser like in real English??????

Three people went into a restaurant, they each had a three course meal and paid £1 per person. They demanded a refund because the soup never arrived. The manager gave the waiter 50p to give back to the three diners. But he took 20p for himself and gave 30p to the three. This meant that each of the three paid 90p for his meal. 3 x 90p makes £2.70, plus the 20p the waiter took makes £2.90. Where did the other 10p go?

[bigsmiles]

Got a text message this morning from an old friend, thought i would share as it made me laugh. My apologies in advance if anyone finds it offensive especially if anyone does lick windows



Today is International Disadvantage Peoples Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded person, just as i have done.
I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, or occationally S*** the bed,
You hang in ther sunshine , because believe me... your bloody special.


Think i will take it as a compliment:)

[sandyrun]

The Male and Female Statues come to life...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. i'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes." said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll dump on its head."

[bigsmiles]

Headache Cure

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked
and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"

[LadyPilot]

HOW TO STAY MARRIED!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets
from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the
top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the
box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said,
"my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Women will love this..

A Prayer.. ..

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet. Amen!

[LadyPilot]

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no
Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared; the sun began to shine, a Rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it.'

[bigsmiles]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[sandyrun]

Ha, The Jokes On You!

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

[Apparelyzed]

U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable low-life."
He yelled back, "Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk."

So I said, "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[sandyrun]

had to laugh, simon

(p.s. will vote for her tho....)

This post has been edited by sandyrun: 27 March 2007 - 05:57 PM

[LuckyinKentucky]

sandyrun, on Mar 27 2007, 09:55 AM, said:

had to laugh, simon

(p.s. will vote for her tho....)

That was good Simon... nothing binds like a common adversary & that woman sure scares me!

[bigsmiles]

Why does everyone laugh at Simons......creeps!

[LadyPilot]

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The
man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath tub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted


The Pope and the Limo

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.


"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it
for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[bigsmiles]

Can You Read This?

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

[LadyPilot]

bigsmiles, on Mar 30 2007, 03:27 PM, said:

Can You Read This?

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

Very clever! it has something to do with one side of the brain being able to scan it, it also works when vowels are removed but the other letters are left in place.....

[LuckyinKentucky]

RYE BREAD
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and was'nt even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friends stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll even have great stamina with the ladies."

So on his way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery,. As he was looking around the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said yes there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
SKINNY DIPPERS
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his prescence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out till you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I did'nt come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but they can still think fast.

[sandyrun]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."


I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)

This post has been edited by sandyrun: 08 April 2007 - 12:17 PM

[bigsmiles]

Very good Sandy!



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress."
"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with him many times a week & satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.




Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. Said he: Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table. She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked: How does that feel?
Wonderful, she replied, but the discharge is from the ear.