[Slowlegs]

Another one only us Kiwis and our brothers across the ditch will understand...

A tour bus was tripping around the outback of Australia when they stopped at a local pub for beer. An American and a New Zealander (Kiwi) from the tour bus got to talking and they both realised they were farmers.

The American said, "I have five thousand acres and I graze five thousand sheep on my ranch".

The kiwi replies "well I have five thousand sheep on my farm too and I only have two hundred acres".

They asked an Aussie bloke, who also turned out to be a farmer how many acres they would need for five thousand sheep.
"Over here we call them stations and we would probably have around fifty thousand acres for five thousand sheep, as long as there are over ten sheep it can legally be called a station", said the Aussie.

The Kiwi and the American looked at each other amused and the Kiwi asked the Aussie "why do you have to have more than ten sheep on a station?"

"Well mate", said the Aussie. "Keeping ten or less sheep is illegal."

The American asked, "why would they have a silly law like that"

"Because otherwise it would be a brothel" replied the Aussie.

[StillFingers]

That is classic slowlegs...even an old yank got a chuckle

[Ratticis]

A guy takes a trip to Hawaii and after two days of unsuccessfully trying to pick up women on the beach he notices that the guy down the hall in his hotel room always has a girl on each arm and a different one stays the night every time. He gets the chance to talk to the guy un the elevator that evening and asks the secret to getting so many women. The guy tells him to take a rolled up pair of socks and stuff them in his swimming trunks.
The next night they again meet in the elevator and the young stud asks if he had any luck getting women now. The guy says that it was worse than ever and that women were avoiding him completly now and he'd never heard anything as stupid as stuffing socks in your bathing suit. The other guy takes one look at him and goes "Try putting them in the frount!"

[davjed]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

[Denny]

Dear Freinds,
Due to current financial position, economic recession and probable future mergers, the management has decided to implement a scheme to put all employees over 25 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Persons selected for RAPE can apply to the management for the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination) scheme. The situation of the employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme for Retired Early Workers)scheme. An employee may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice but may be SCREWED as many times as the management deems appropriate.

Employees who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retiring Personnel Early Severance). Obviously employees who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED by the Management any further.

Employees on SHAFT or SCREW will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the notice of your Manager.
We have been trained to give you all the SHIT that you can handle.
Enjoy ....

[StillFingers]

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G5 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, five times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

This post has been edited by StillFingers: 14 October 2009 - 06:06 PM

[mcferguson]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, United Parcel Service (UPS) pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire..

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you 're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[Denny]

Click Here to view a funny job application for job at McDonalds.

[CR_L1]

There was a wee singer called Gately
Who hasn't been singing much lately
After a bottle of rum & a cock up his bum
His trip to the sun ended fatally

[Denny]

Some interesting Management Lessons

Lesson number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him: "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management lesson: to be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management lesson: bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson number 3:
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said: "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: you don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson number 4:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

[greybeard]

Very good, Denny.

[StillFingers]

Then and now : the 1960's vs. the 2000's

THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.

THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"

[CR_L1]

Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence.
The other day he went to a book signing in London & claims he took Lennox Lewis out with just one punch.

[Ratticis]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident."Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,he jumped over the fence and into our yard!""That must've been scary," said the teacher."It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,Fffff'... and before he could say "f*@k," the Rottweiler got him!"

[Apparelyzed]

Two wheelchair users rolled into a joint.

The landlord barred them for smoking!

Boom, Boom, sorry, I made that one up, so it's ©2009 Apparelyzed!

[Trinity]

Apparelyzed, on Oct 18 2009, 07:20 PM, said:

Two wheelchair users rolled into a joint.

The landlord barred them for smoking!

Boom, Boom, sorry, I made that one up, so it's ©2009 Apparelyzed!

Oh dear...
(searches for little men in white coats smiley)

[StillFingers]

Paralympic plane crash

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert.

The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed.

They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis.

The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TYRES!!!

[Ratticis]

http://www.rinkworks.../patients.shtml

[Courtney]

A man has a parrot and somehow, the parrot gets into his Viagra stash and starts humping everything in sight, the pillows, the dog, the plants, everything. Disgusted, his owner puts him in the freezer to cool off. A few minutes later the man comes back and opens the freezer to retrieve the parrot. To his surprise the parrot is drenched in sweat and panting. "what happened to you?" The man asks....the parrot replies, still out of breath "Do you have any idea how hard it is to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[mcferguson]

StillFingers, on Oct 18 2009, 02:39 PM, said:

Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TYRES!!!

He should have fallen into the water and gotten a whole new chair!

[Scribbler]

Scribb's and Greybeard sitting out in the sun.

Scribb's says, "Its nice out isn't it?"

Greybeard replies, "Is it?" "I'll get mine out then."

[bobm]

French Joke;

Fellow visits his local Notaire [lawyer] and says that his funds are limited;

He only has Euros 100 to spend, but only has two questions...

"That's fine", says the lawyer. "What's your second question?"

[Ratticis]

I came across this today. The guy who wrote it couldn't figure out why it kept returning 0

if (value == 0) return value;
else return 0;

[E-DOG]

mcferguson, on Oct 19 2009, 09:18 AM, said:

StillFingers, on Oct 18 2009, 02:39 PM, said:

Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TYRES!!!

He should have fallen into the water and gotten a whole new chair!

The chair should have been electric, then the punchline would be more of a shock.

[Trinity]

Ratticis, on Oct 19 2009, 08:59 PM, said:

I came across this today. The guy who wrote it couldn't figure out why it kept returning 0

if (value == 0) return value;
else return 0;

I don't understand

[greybeard]

You haven't gone blond have you Trin?

[Trinity]

Please explain!!! I don't think it's my blond hair that's the problem here!

[greybeard]

trinity, on Oct 19 2009, 11:38 PM, said:

Please explain!!! I don't think it's my blond hair that's the problem here!

Sorry Trin. Couldn't help myself.
It's a geek goof-up of code instructing a computer to state the value if a value =0. Obviously, because of the error in writing the instruction, the response will always be 0. The next line says for any other value, return 0 as the response. The writer couldn't understand why the value of 0 kept being returned. Not at all funny when explained like that is it?

[Trinity]

greybeard, on Oct 20 2009, 12:05 AM, said:

trinity, on Oct 19 2009, 11:38 PM, said:

Please explain!!! I don't think it's my blond hair that's the problem here!

Sorry Trin. Couldn't help myself.
It's a geek goof-up of code instructing a computer to state the value if a value =0. Obviously, because of the error in writing the instruction, the response will always be 0. The next line says for any other value, return 0 as the response. The writer couldn't understand why the value of 0 kept being returned. Not at all funny when explained like that is it?

Nope!

[Ratticis]

Yet I found it hilarious

Dear lord, i've become a nerd!