[pikey]

Paddy court his wife having an affair so he decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "don't know what your laughing about your next!"

The Muslim council has decided to host its first gay pride festival this year. Its hoping 'Ramaman' will be a success!

[pikey]

One you can tell the kids

What do you call a Tellytubby that has been burgled?

Tubby!!!!!

This post has been edited by pikey: 27 October 2009 - 12:56 PM

[StillFingers]

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.

To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out.

He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.

The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!".

Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"

This post has been edited by StillFingers: 28 October 2009 - 01:14 AM

[Trinity]

A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.......


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".

[Scribbler]

(Nice one Trin, but aren't you Blonde?...



I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'

The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'

I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

[StillFingers]

HALLOWEEN RULES TO LIVE BY

Top 10 Houses to Avoid while Trick-or-Treating
===================================

10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground.

9. Any house made of gingerbread.

8. Any house that has ornamental lawn Hell Hounds.

7. Any house whose only entrance is through the basement.

6. Any house where all the windows are glowing with eerie green light.

5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"

4. Any house where the trophy animal heads on the walls are talking.

3. Any house that has a bloody wood chipper prominently displayed in the front yard.

2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses.

And the number 1 house to avoid...

1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago.


Things We've Learned From Horror Films....
================================

When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and leave NOW!!

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. Even then, don't do it.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of a female. Even though you may be faster than the monster, you can be sure that it WILL catch you.

If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Meskatonic University, Camp Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, Illinois, one gas station desert towns or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or band saws. This is especially true if they are wearing a hockey mask or one made of human skin.

This post has been edited by StillFingers: 31 October 2009 - 07:39 PM

[Ratticis]

Public service announcements around the world.
USA: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it is?

[Scribbler]

Bloke his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position'.
'What the hell is that ?' she says.
'When my testicles touch your bum you're getting the full benefit'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife!

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your ruddy mates with you'

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.'
Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't mess about at the crematorium . '

A friend of mine says he is twins.
I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

[greybeard]

[Scribbler]

greybeard, on Nov 1 2009, 02:32 PM, said:

I had to clean them up a bit, I know how sensitive you are GB....

[topperf]

''A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!''

Lol!

[Hapahowlee]

A very drunk man sitting at the opposite end of a bar from a nice young women, calls for the bartender.

DRUNK: Bartender, Bartender come here, I want another drink.

BARTENDER: Oh I think you’ve had quite enough

DRUNK: Nah I’m fine, just one more drink and while your at it, give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink too!

BARTENDER: Sir I’ll give you one more drink, but you’ll have to watch your mouth. I’ll not have you insulting my other patrons.

DRUNK: Okay, Okay, just give me my drink

After the drunk downs his drink, he calls for the bartender again . . . .

DRUNK: Hey Bartender, I want another drink

BARTENDER: Sir, I really think you’ve had quite enough and you need to leave.

DRUNK: I’ll leave if you give me one more drink and while your at it, give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink too!

BARTENDER: Alright, that’s enough!! Get out right now, you’ve gone overboard insulting the nice young woman at the end of the bar.

The drunk leaves and the bartender goes up to the nice woman

BARTENDER: I’m so sorry miss. That drunk was way out of line. How about I give you a drink on the house?

WOMAN: Oh that’s wonderful

BARTENDER: What can I get for you?

WOMAN: I’ll have a vinegar and water

[Hapahowlee]

A prostitute gets a call for her services and is told to meet the client, Mr. Smith at a particular bar.

The prostitute arrives and asks the bartender where Mr. Smith might be.

The bartender points to a table and the prostitute sees a Koala Bear sitting in a booth having a drink.

PROSTITUTE: Are you kidding, that’s a Koala Bear?

BARTENDER: Yup, that’s your client.

The prostitute hard up for money decides to go over and see how things go.

They begin to talk and decide to go up to the Koala Bear’s room.

To her surprise all he wanted to do was perform oral on her.

The Koala Bear does his business and begins to walk out the door.

PROSTITUTE: Wait, where are you going? You’re supposed to pay me.

KOALA BEAR: (Looking confused) No, I don’t think so.

PROSTITUTE: I guess you don’t know the definition of a prostitute.

She had a mini dictionary in her purse and looked up “Prostitute” which read . . .

Prostitute - “Somone who offers sexual activity for money”

KOALA BEAR: Oh! Well I guess you don’t know the definition of a Koala Bear

The Koala Bear looks through the dictionary and shows the prostitute . . .

Koala Bear – “Eats bush and leaves”

[Ratticis]

[mcferguson]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth,
and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took
the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake with-
out getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into
the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing
with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[CR_L1]

What was the first ever smoke signal sent by an Indian in the wild west,

HELP my f@#king blanket is on fire.

[StillFingers]

Okay an old navy man's joke, one my dad shared with me while he ran a game of 9 ball on me; yeah I let him break; yeah I put a twenty on the table; yeah I was nineteen; yeah he took the twenty...lesson learned, education advanced

Two sailors are in a bar, one fresh young recruit, the other a career man.

The younger sailor turns to the older sailor and asks...um you've slept with a blonde before right?
The older sailor replies...sure have.

The younger sailor then asks...and you've slept with a brunette before right?
The older sailor replies...sure have.

The younger sailor takes a drink, turns to the older sailor and asks...well, then you've also slept with a redhead right?
The older sailor replies...not a wink.

[Scribbler]

CR_L1, on Nov 4 2009, 04:25 PM, said:

What was the first ever smoke signal sent by an Indian in the wild west,

HELP my f@#king blanket is on fire.

[mcferguson]

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

________________________________


Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
________________________________



Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
________________________________



Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
________________________________



Only in America .........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

________________________________



Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
________________________________

[StillFingers]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[StillFingers]

You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
What am I?

A Tent

This post has been edited by StillFingers: 20 November 2009 - 06:32 PM

[daniel562]

heard this from a movie


"knock...knock...?" "who's theres...?" "go f*@k yourself"


omg classic rite doesnt get much better than that

[Scribbler]

A white woman goes on vacation to Barbados.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.

On her last night there, she asks again, "Can you please tell me you name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at Me." says the Black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had ten inches of Snow everyday in Barbados!"





A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done. "

Little Jimmy says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

This post has been edited by Scribbler: 21 November 2009 - 03:22 PM

[Scribbler]

I've just been diagnosed with Gammon Flu...


I did have Swine Flu but they Cured me....

[Ratticis]

You Might Be a Redneck with a Disability If... 
* Any part of your wheelchair is painted in camo
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they're hard to put on and you can't walk anyway.
* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
* You installed a gun rack on the back of your wheelchair.
* Your joystick [which does not live up to its name] is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer. tap, or similar item.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have knobby mud tires - that never get dirty.
* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck or hog.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a Barco Lounger.
* You found the above Barco  Lounger at the side of the road.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery compartment of the chair.
* You, while in your wheelchair, ever made any roadkill.
* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than 1/3 what your w/c does.
* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your wheelchair.
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you sit.
* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever gotten caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they're going to start making wheelchairs.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice from your chair.
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "Now that's a good idea!" 

[pikey]

In 2010 the UK government will start shipping retards abroad. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you all! Love you, be strong. Take your crayons.

THIS IS RUDE DO NOT READ IT IF EASILY OFFENDED!




Ann summers have come up with and easy guide to complete sexual joy, it explores the clitoris and the g spot and even shows the male where they are. "twat nav" will be in the shops and catalogues for Christmas.

[pikey]

Three women, a brunette, a red head and a blond sitting talking about their teenage daughters bedrooms. The brunette says she found a bottle of vodka in her bedroom and was dismayed as she didn't know she drank. The red head said she found a pack of cigarettes in her daughters room and was dismayed as she didn't know she smoked. The blond then says she found a packet of condoms in her daughters room and was dismayed cos she didn't know she had a cock..!

[StillFingers]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[guido]

3 doctors standing at a bar discussing cases after a conference:

French doc: "We transferred a lung from Toulouse to a man in Paris and 6 weeks later he was looking for work."

German doc: "We transferred a heart from Frankfurt to a man in Berlin, and within 4 weeks he was looking for work."

English doc: "We transferred an arsehole from Scotland to 10 Downing Street and now everyone's looking for work."

[Trinity]

A man walks into the bar and asks the barman for a double entendre so the barman gives him one.....