666 replies to this topic

[hopefuldad]

so theres two Ducks on thier honeymoon and their about to have sex for the first time so right before the majic is about to start the female duck pushes her new husband off and says "you have a condom right?" he says "well, no?!" so after a short argument she asks him to get one from the front desk so he calls and asks them to send one to his room right away..
the front desk asks "Would you like us to put it on your bill?"
the duck replies "NO, are you crazy how the hell would i breathe!"



Two elderly women are in the park smoking and enjoying the day when it begins to pour down rain the one looks at the other says oh, well and whips out a condom and covers her ciggarette with it and continues to smoke, the other baffeled says whats that? "its a condom, i use them to keep my smokes dry"
so the next day the old woman is in the store and remembers her friends advise so she marches right up to the pharmesist and says she needs a condom the pharmesist replies "What kind would you like?".... She says "I don't care as long as it fits over a camel."



A Woman finds a lamp in a garage sale, she buys it and takes it home as she begins to clean it out pops a gene she gasps with joy and says "Oh, my I get THREE wishes right !!" the gene is taken back and says 'three huh, how about one sence your so anxious" she thinks for awhile and desides she was being greedy and that there are many worse off than her "Gene i have my wish... I Wish there could be peace in the middle east!" the gene laughs "where is the middle east" he asks, she gets out a map and shows him. ... "now how am i going to do that its a war tats been going on for thousands of years.. what else do you want?" he asks.,, she thinks... "ok I am 45 and never found true love, i want a man that will love me for who i am and take care of me with unconditional love." the gene says "ok let me see the map again"

[LadyPilot]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like
it"? The masses bated breath is ear-shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is
answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what
happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".



After a short pause.........



.................or possibly a long pause The rabbit said...



Mixing me toasties



--

[LadyPilot]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her
Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does pooh come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already
asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good
stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to
the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares him in stunned silence for a few
seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

[mttb14]

As John's a fisherman, that joke made me laugh so much when I saw it first, and it still makes me laugh now.

[swank]

The Future of Customer Service



Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ..."
Operator : "OK... you're ... Mr Sfiso Majola and you're calling from
17
Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and
your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now
Sir?



Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The
total is R149.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you're owing your bank R3720.55 since October
last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ..."
Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Nissan
Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 1123 ..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic ... "
Customer : "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook .."

[LadyPilot]

Women Drivers
This morning on the Highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Golf with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. Can you believe this? I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the steak and kidney pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Stevie and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers.




Yes I know Im a woman but I thought it was funny enough to post here.

[lune14]

Three men, an Italian, a Polack and an American are being sent into the desert for an experiment of survival. All three men are asked, "What one item would you like to take with you?"

Italian: "A pizza"

American: "A six-pack of beer"

Polack: "A car door"

When asked why they would chose these items they replied:

Italian: "In case I get hungry, I have something to eat"

American: "In case I get thirsty, I will have something to drink"

Polack: "Well if it gets too hot , I can roll down the window"

[Apparelyzed]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her ".....And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[KimAndSophie]

LadyPilot, on Aug 30 2006, 08:15 PM, said:

attachment
ACT LIKE YOU BELONG

This pic is actually from a guide dog school. It's Feldico (I think). When I was at guide dog school, they also had a cat there that they would let roam around when the dogs were working and doing obedience.

[Okie Rick]

Ask your doctor


Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and
with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


-Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss
of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked
Twister.

Tequila®.
Leave Shyness Behind.



Okie
-

[mttb14]

Subject: FW: Council complaint letters

These are genuine clips from (UK) council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.



 Council_Complains.doc   26K   198 downloads

Edited by mttb14, 06 September 2006 - 01:53 PM.

[Apparelyzed]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[mttb14]

Subject: Guido

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her (you know what I mean) senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it,but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"


 Subject_guido.doc   24.5K   205 downloads

Edited by mttb14, 07 September 2006 - 03:59 PM.

[Okie Rick]

mttb14, on Sep 7 2006, 10:58 AM, said:

Subject: Guido

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her (you know what I mean) senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

......

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"


attachment

Absolutely the best I've read or heard all year!

Okie

[John Anderson]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 08:05 AM, said:

attachmentLOOK OUT STEVE!!!

[LadyPilot]

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

[John Anderson]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 08:41 AM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

Er...I rather not stare at that

[xMaddiex]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 08:41 AM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

lol. i would! i totally agree with ya ladypilot, what ocean!?

[LadyPilot]

John Anderson, on Sep 9 2006, 04:47 PM, said:

Er...I rather not stare at that

This one is specially for you John though Simon might edit it!!!

[John Anderson]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 02:40 PM, said:

This one is specially for you John though Simon might edit it!!!

Oh thanks, I love that....oh yea...

[bigsmiles]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 04:41 PM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

Well he sure is fit your bloke ladypilot!

[bigsmiles]

I like that one

[LadyPilot]

bigsmiles, on Sep 11 2006, 02:09 PM, said:

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 04:41 PM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

Well he sure is fit your bloke ladypilot!

I wish......

[Apparelyzed]

Quote

This one is specially for you John though Simon might edit it!!!

No Chance!

[LadyPilot]

President Bush walks into a meeting about the Iraq War and asks, "OK, what's
the latest?" One of his staff answers, "I'm sorry to report, sir, but we've
had reports of the deaths of 2 Brazilian soldiers."

Much to everyones surprise the President looks down, burying his face in his
hands. He's obviously troubled by this news. After a minute he looks up...
"OK... How many is a brazilian?"

[Joed]

Grandma doesn't know everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

[swank]

a man arrives home drunk after going out with some friends, being too drunk to see where he vomites he actually vomites all over his poor dog, he gives the dog a surprized look and asks "Shit rex when did I eat you?"

[Okie Rick]

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


okie
-

[sandyrun]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 12:41 PM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

What an ocean front view!!!!

Go to the following link to see some men not quite as sculputured as this guy is.

http://home.austin.r...biggerthanlife/

[sandyrun]

Okie Rick, on Sep 19 2006, 11:33 PM, said:

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


okie
-

Okie, is that an original? If so, or not, it's good!!