[Maltese Cat]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them
World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and
milk
themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for looking after them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman
who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You think that one on the left is kinda cute.....

[gustifer]

ok here ya go...just pondered this up today!

Wouldn't it suck to be deaf in a crowd of people. You would never hear the warning of an imposing fart. Wouldn't it suck to be blind in a crowd of people? You'd hear the warning but can't see which way to run. Wouldn't it suck to be in a wheelchair and in a crowd? You'd hear the warning, see which way to go, but have to sit and wait for the crowd to clear before you yourself can move away. By then the air is already cleared!

[Scribbler]

Best Irish Joke in a long Time !!!


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.. I'm f###in ' f###ed ,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f'##kin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' F##k it ' and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'


Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f##in' pissed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

[mcferguson]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

[StillFingers]

Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport.

A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm.

As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.

Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.

"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."

"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.

"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.

The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"

[Scribbler]

Prince Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

.........

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' .

At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

[guido]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-son,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[mcferguson]

Merry Christmas To All..
.
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita..

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
.
.
.
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

[mcferguson]

Subject: Office Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place On December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have A small band playing traditional carols... Feel free to sing along. And Don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among Employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This Gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

________________________________

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often Coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, From now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy Applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still Celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for Your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

________________________________

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous Requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy To accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to Handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed Since the union members feel that $10..00 is too much money and the Executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy..

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

________________________________

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins The Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking During daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can Appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on Serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything For you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest From the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest To the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit With Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks That no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about Confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in The food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood Pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the Restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

________________________________

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this Party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit Quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so Quaintly put it, and you'll get your *****ng salad bar, including Organic tomatoes.. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They Scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you wierdos can kiss my ***. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

Patty

Company Memo

________________________________

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay..

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[Ratticis]

lol, that's about the size of it. Damn political correct bs

[StillFingers]

This was taken from an old email I received back in the late 80s. It was a technical support notice sent out to field support engineers by an unnamed company...ok ok, it was big blue...IBM

Computer Peripheral Maintenance Alert - Mouse Balls

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing their balls should contact their local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

[mcferguson]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

[Tremulous Tetra]

2 jokes, i put to music. http://www.myspace.com/tremuloustetra

2nd best, imo.

[Denny]

The Difference between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions

Case 1

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil

Case 2

One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral

Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems

[Tremulous Tetra]

Ratticis, on Dec 22 2009, 06:55 PM, said:

lol, that's about the size of it. Damn political correct bs

Nothing to do with politics, it's to do with that damn ambulance chasing, sue anything that moves American culture. lol

[Denny]

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room.

Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED

[topperf]

And how religious psychology works..
'nuff 'bout that - found this one on www.lamebook.com yesterday - if you know facebook - you'll love that site

[E-DOG]

Early one morning a guy walks to his front door, opens it, and bends down to pick up his daily newspaper.
Before grabbing the paper he sees a snail on the walkway, picks it up and tosses it across the street on to the neighbor's yard.
He then scoops up his paper and goes inside.

Two years later there's a knock on the man's door.
Guy opens the door, looks around and sees nothing, then looks down and low and behold there's the snail.
Who looks up at the guy and says "YO, WHAT THE f*@k WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!"

true story

[Denny]

A young man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $33000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".

Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man.

"You lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a Fantastic WEEKEND I had?"

[Tetracyclone]

Denny, that one is FUNNY!

[Tinbasher]

Guy comes in from work, throws himself on the couch, switches on the TV and shouts to his wife "Get me beer before it starts!"

She gets him a beer

A bit later he calls "Get me a sandwich honey before it starts!"

She gets him a sandwich

Next "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She gets him another beer but asks "Where do you get off, coming in, demanding beer, food and all before IT starts!"

AW SH*T he says NOW it's started!

This post has been edited by Tinbasher: 21 January 2010 - 09:55 PM

[Wheelsonfire]

Condom factory opening soon in County Kerry, advertising for a quality control manager.
Mick goes for an interview and gets the job.
Upon leaving he is given the job description by the manager.
He is told, take off every third condom from the rack, put it on his member and have sex with Mary in the corner.
Mick can't believe his luck and can't wait to start first thing Monday morning.
Although the factory doesn't open until 8, Mick is there at 7.
So low and behold, 8 o' clock comes around and Mick takes off every third condom, he puts it on his member and goes to the corner to have sex with Mary.
Now Mary is not playing ball and keeps given him a hand job.
This happens Monday, all day Tuesday and Mick thinks to himself, ok maybe Mary is a bit shy, I'll give her a break.
So by Wednesday afternoon Mick has had enough, he storms up to the managers office and kicks in the door shouting;
Oi, You told me that I am to take off every third condom, put it on my member and have sex with Mary in the corner.
Yes, replied the manager, what is your problem.
Mick pipes up and states, all day Monday, Tuesday and this morning I have done what you said and each time I go to have sex with Mary she only gives me a hand job.
Sorry says the manager, I forgot to mention, you have to work a week in hand.

[Nia]

A dad bought a robot that will clap people who lies.

One day, his son came home late from school. his dad was furious and asked him :

"where have you gone?it's 8.00 pm!"

"i jammed with my friend"

PANG!!the robot slapped the son. The son admitted that he watch porn movie at his friends house.

"How could you be such a *(@^#. I never do that when I was your age!"

PANG!!the robot slapped the dad. He was embarrassed to his son and his wife.

The son, who obviously sick of his dad's bullshit went upstairs.

"Who taught him such behavior?!" the dad murmured to his wife.

"Well, he's your son..." said the mom.

PANG!!!!

p/s : i dunno if you could understand this one...^_^

[greybeard]

Nice one Nia.

[StillFingers]

for mature audiences only

This post has been edited by StillFingers: 23 January 2010 - 05:47 AM

[ClaraTaylor]

man is walking down the street and sees his mate coming in the opposite direction. His mate sadly only has one arm.
"Where are you off to?" he asks the mate
"I'm going to change a lightbulb" comes the reply.
"Won't that be difficult with only one arm?"
"Nah" replies the friend "I've still got the receipt...."


I had a knock on My door last night. Two old lady's wanted to know if I preferred white bread or brown bread. I said I preferred white. For the next 20 minutes they went on about the benefits of brown bread.
Tell you what, those hovis witnesses are a pain in the @rse!!

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, 'My bike.'

[ClaraTaylor]

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."



In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and grave
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '£ 5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[ClaraTaylor]

Paddy and Murphy decide to go to London to donate some sperm. It turned out to be a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus....

[Maltese Cat]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[greybeard]

Oh Shit. I'm putting on my tin hat!