668 replies to this topic

[jenny407]

doublelibra, on Apr 22 2010, 03:05 AM, said:

Morning Groans and Icelandic Humor [Michael Rubin]

The two are actually synonymous. I've had two too many Icelandic roommates and colleagues over the years, so without naming the guilty party, and without vouching for Icelandic humor, I pass these on without comment:

No. 1 - 10:
Thank you - hilarious!

Edited by jenny407, 24 April 2010 - 08:52 AM.

[jenny407]

pikey, on Feb 17 2010, 11:03 PM, said:

Zen
Teachings

Pikey - I printed those out for me. I LOVE zen!

[pikey]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest shlongs and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

[pikey]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I am not surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[pikey]

I saw one of my mates the other day he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted. "Where you off to?" "To change a lightbulb" he said. "Thats going to be awkward isn't it?" "Not really" he said. "I'v still got the receipt, you sarcastic bastard!"

[pikey]

Looks like the time of being a gentleman is really at an end.
I opened the door for a pretty young lady, and all she could do was look at me in complete terror, and scream.
As she flew out of the plane.

[mellowgator]

Jim’s New Suit



The doctor said, "Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.



He had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."



Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.



Jim tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.



As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"



Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."



Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?”



"Been in the business 60 years."



Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



Jim walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"



Jim thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Jim laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."





New suit - £400 New shirt - £36

New underwear - £6



Second Opinion - PRICELESS










--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[mcferguson]

The solution to the controversial airport full-body scanners:

A booth that you step into that does not X-ray you; instead it detonates any explosive device you may have hidden in or on you. The explosion is contained within the sealed booth rendering it harmless.

This is a win-win for everyone.

No racial profiling.

No long and expensive trials.

It's so simple it's brilliant.

Imagine: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA:

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number..."

[graphic]

First off, apologies to our Irish members. Hope you don't take offence - but:

2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes a woman asks, "Why are you digging a hole and the other lad filling it in?" Paddy replies, "There's usually 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today!"

Paddy was going to decorate his bedroom and remembered Murphy next door had just done his bedroom and the bedrooms were the same size, so he ask him how many rolls of wallpaper he bought.
Murphy said "I bought 10 rolls", so off went Paddy and bought 10 rolls. When he had finished the bedroom he had two rolls of wallpaper left.
He said to Murphy "I bought 10 rolls like you said but had two left".
Murphy said "Thats the same number I had left".

[mcferguson]

Female Marine Pilot


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only little Johnny was left.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share"?

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands".

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story"?





"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking".

[davjed]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna lovethis....)

*
*
*
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

[graphic]

Not a joke but I'm looking for a bike for my daughter and came across this add:

GT LADIES AVALANCHE ALL TERRA 3.0 SMALL/MEDIUM FRAME ABOUT 18 INCHS
THIS BIKE IS LIKE NEW, ONLY USED ONCE. THERE ARE NO SCRATCHES OR MARKS, UNFORTUNATELY I FEEL PREGNANT AND WAS UNABLE TO USE THE BIKE.

Maybe she should hang on to it in case the feeling passes.

[StillFingers]

A man, seeking to join a Texas Sheriff's Dept., is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted...."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol
and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim
extremists, six Liberal Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we're looking for," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

[Tetracyclone]

This is not a joke, it is an admirable political protest against the rule of islamic clerics.

BoobQuake



Enjoy, my friends.

[StillFingers]

Boob quakes, boob tremors or boob tsunamis, someone must face this danger

[Beautiful]

I RARELY laugh out loud. But a while ago I read this and I was in tears because it was so funny. I couldn't find it for two years and I finally came across it again.

It is about waxing your girly parts, so if you don't want to read about it, stop. But I think a lot of girls can understand this

"All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!") I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!! Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which i s now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

"hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!! I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!!!! RIGHT! !!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice t o my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.... Now thats funny...... Notttt."

[Smileyblue]

I remember this one from email.. And yes, I still hose myself everytime I read it! I think this is something every woman can envision! Hee hee hee..

Thanks for the laugh!

[pikey]

This world cup has turned out like world war 2! The French surrendered early, the USA arrive last minute and we are left to fight the Germans!

[jenny407]

pikey, on Jun 25 2010, 12:15 AM, said:

This world cup has turned out like world war 2! The French surrendered early, the USA arrive last minute and we are left to fight the Germans!

[pikey]

Paddys wife gave birth to triplets. "How did that happen?" asked paddy. His wife says "Remember that night I was very dry and we had no Vaseline well I used 3 in 1 oil!" "Jaysus" says Paddy thank %*&£ we did not use WD40!".

[doublelibra]

THE GRAVE SIDE SERVICE

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?

[Scribbler]

World Cup Jokes

Osama bin Laden has just released a new tv message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .


In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arseholes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular tv.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

I went to the Doctors and It turns out I have the Rob Green virus. No Idea how I caught it.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Just seen the new Shrek film. Awful. Shrek does nothing for 90 minutes then has a go at the audience for booing!

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this f.....g mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

[Smileyblue]

Lol.. Harsh, but funny.. ;-)

Paddy tells his friend Mike he's thinking of buying a labrador..
"Are you f**king mad?" Mike asks, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[Scribbler]

LOL. Nice one SB...

I went to the Dr's the other day, I said, "Dr I've got a pain in my bum."
The Dr said, "Drop your trousers and bend over." So I did.
"I can see the problem," said the Dr, "You've a piece of lettuce sticking out your bum."
"Is it serious?" I asked.
The Dr replied, "Oh yes, Its just the tip of the Iceberg."

Edited by Scribbler, 29 June 2010 - 12:36 PM.

[greybeard]

Scribbler, on Jun 29 2010, 01:35 PM, said:

LOL. Nice one SB...

I went to the Dr's the other day, I said, "Dr I've got a pain in my bum."
The Dr said, "Drop your trousers and bend over." So I did.
"I can see the problem," said the Dr, "You've a piece of lettuce sticking out your bum."
"Is it serious?" I asked.
The Dr replied, "Oh yes, Its just the tip of the Iceberg."

Sounds like your enforced bedrest has done you good. old chap.

[Scribbler]

greybeard, on Jun 29 2010, 01:37 PM, said:

Scribbler, on Jun 29 2010, 01:35 PM, said:

LOL. Nice one SB...

I went to the Dr's the other day, I said, "Dr I've got a pain in my bum."
The Dr said, "Drop your trousers and bend over." So I did.
"I can see the problem," said the Dr, "You've a piece of lettuce sticking out your bum."
"Is it serious?" I asked.
The Dr replied, "Oh yes, Its just the tip of the Iceberg."

Sounds like your enforced bedrest has done you good. old chap.

GB. I'm worried about the Cucumber!!....

[Smileyblue]

Missed those smiles.. ;-) Lettuce, cucumber, and all.. Lol..

[jenny407]

I admit - I liked the World Cup jokes. ;)

[Ratticis]

Scribbler, on Jun 29 2010, 06:42 AM, said:

greybeard, on Jun 29 2010, 01:37 PM, said:

Scribbler, on Jun 29 2010, 01:35 PM, said:

LOL. Nice one SB...

I went to the Dr's the other day, I said, "Dr I've got a pain in my bum."
The Dr said, "Drop your trousers and bend over." So I did.
"I can see the problem," said the Dr, "You've a piece of lettuce sticking out your bum."
"Is it serious?" I asked.
The Dr replied, "Oh yes, Its just the tip of the Iceberg."

Sounds like your enforced bedrest has done you good. old chap.

GB. I'm worried about the Cucumber!!....

You're obviously not eating right

[StillFingers]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem"
The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry,
"Put dem in a "peeper bag"
The assistant does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place. Eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate runs straight
down and drops off the edge and goes for a few seconds, then 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock
that dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks
up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other
hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun blows the parrot's
head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's
remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting
nider."
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up, he too has been
to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself
off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - " Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit
his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin hengliding".