[bigsmiles]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 04:41 PM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

Well he sure is fit your bloke ladypilot!

[bigsmiles]

I like that one

[LadyPilot]

bigsmiles, on Sep 11 2006, 02:09 PM, said:

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 04:41 PM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

Well he sure is fit your bloke ladypilot!

I wish......

[Apparelyzed]

Quote

This one is specially for you John though Simon might edit it!!!

No Chance!

[LadyPilot]

President Bush walks into a meeting about the Iraq War and asks, "OK, what's
the latest?" One of his staff answers, "I'm sorry to report, sir, but we've
had reports of the deaths of 2 Brazilian soldiers."

Much to everyones surprise the President looks down, burying his face in his
hands. He's obviously troubled by this news. After a minute he looks up...
"OK... How many is a brazilian?"

[Joed]

Grandma doesn't know everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

[swank]

a man arrives home drunk after going out with some friends, being too drunk to see where he vomites he actually vomites all over his poor dog, he gives the dog a surprized look and asks "Shit rex when did I eat you?"

[Okie Rick]

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


okie
-

[sandyrun]

LadyPilot, on Sep 9 2006, 12:41 PM, said:

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!

What an ocean front view!!!!

Go to the following link to see some men not quite as sculputured as this guy is.

http://home.austin.r...biggerthanlife/

[sandyrun]

Okie Rick, on Sep 19 2006, 11:33 PM, said:

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


okie
-

Okie, is that an original? If so, or not, it's good!!

[sandyrun]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

[Chilepepper]

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she
wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

This post has been edited by Chilepepper: 21 September 2006 - 03:27 AM

[juls]

Ladypilot, The pictures of those huge bellies were nasty

[LadyPilot]

juls, on Sep 21 2006, 04:06 AM, said:

Ladypilot, The pictures of those huge bellies were nasty

You lost me on that??? Anyway have a giggle at the next joke.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you
didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[juls]

[quote name='LadyPilot' date='Sep 21 2006, 11:54 PM' post='16545']
[quote name='juls' post='16510' date='Sep 21 2006, 04:06 AM']
Ladypilot, The pictures of those huge bellies were nasty
[/quote] You lost me on that??? Anyway have a giggle at the next joke.

There was a web site address on your joke about the ocean..i had a look at expecting to see more buff tanned naked bodies...they were anything but

[bigsmiles]

Yeah horrible to look at this early in the morning

[Anniebean]

For anyone who's tried to build anything in the uk .... or works in property.......


In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in

England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and

over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build

another

Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."


He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the

Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his

yard

- but no Ark.


"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"


"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed

Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade

about the need for a sprinkler system. My

neighbours claim that I should

have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden

because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a

temporary structure. We had to go and appeal to the Secretary of State

for a decision.


Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the

future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to

clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the

sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.


Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree

Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special

Scientific

Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to

convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to

save the owls

but no go!


When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted

that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the

accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to

put

so many animals in a confined space.


Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers

Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted

an

environmental impact study on your proposed flood.


I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities

Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire

only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.


To make matters

worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,

claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered

species.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to

finish this Ark."


Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow

stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You

mean

you're not going to destroy the world?"



"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[LadyPilot]

Men versus women.....

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.





WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "...in-laws! "





WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.



W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"



God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[LadyPilot]

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for
a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she
was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a
few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The
third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou
shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed
him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny
replied, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this
Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned
out. It's probably just your Dad."



You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you
stop laughing!

[bigsmiles]

How did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing.


Why are there no brunnette jokes? Because blondes would have to think them up


What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box? A case of empties.


How does a blonde make instant pudding? She places the box in the microwave and looks for the instant pudding setting button.

What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A dumb terminal.

There are 17 blondes standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in? The sign said "Must be 18 to enter"
Gotta laugh at yourself now and again

[Okie Rick]

You blokes know the proper way of using a perfectly good condom twice?







Take it off, shake the f*ck out of it and have another go!


okie
-

[juls]

i like that one!!

[LadyPilot]

My fave blonde joke....

How do you know a blonde has been at your computer?

There's 'Tippex' all the screen!

[CaptDave4499]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go alot faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[John Anderson]

Oh yea

[Okie Rick]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy...I'll be waiting.




Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever named "Daisy".



okie
-

[LadyPilot]

IRISH JOKES


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.



"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.



"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.



"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."



"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."



"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"



"That I did," said Paddy...... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."









An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course,his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.



"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”



"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.



"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."



"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.



"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"



"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[swank]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said ..... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

[Mary]

swank, on Oct 17 2006, 10:10 AM, said:

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said ..... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

ha ha ha too funny - made my afternoon swank!!

[bigsmiles]

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

And We Girls KNOW best