668 replies to this topic

[Hotrodgimp]

A young boy is sitting on the steps in front of his house with a bottle with clear liquid in it when a priest walks by and asks him what he's got there. The boy tells the priest "this here's the most powerful liquid in the world, this here's turpentine." The priest replies "no no son, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water". He says "if you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant womans stomach, she'll pass a baby boy"! The young boy replied "Shit father that aint nothin, if you rub a couple of drops of this turpentine on a cats ass he'll pass a motorcycle".

[keeptrukin]

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[bigsmiles]

Thats a good un

[sandyrun]

You got Mail
CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

[sandyrun]

Three Brothers
Three brothers got jobs in a lumber mill. At the end of the 1st day the boss paid all three with one check for $5.00 "What are we gon do with 5 bucks Beaufort? That ain't much for all three of us?
"Let me think about it."
Next day Beaufort comes home beaming with pride. "Looky what I got with our money and still have some left over. He then pulls a box of tampons from the bag.
"What the hell are we gon do with tampons Beaufort?"
"Well looky right'cheer boy, it says we can go swimming, hiking, ride horses or anything else we want to do!!

[bigsmiles]

Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

hey! now theres a gift

well well well...

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I really don't deserve this.

[bigsmiles]

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Here's to men everywhere...

[icarus_melt76]

bigsmiles, on Oct 24 2006, 06:59 AM, said:

Thats a good un

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed.
His wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with
aspirin.....

You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."

[icarus_melt76]

icarus_melt76, on Oct 28 2006, 06:05 PM, said:

bigsmiles, on Oct 24 2006, 06:59 AM, said:

Thats a good un

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
gas (cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

"whew"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed.
His wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with
aspirin.....

You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."

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• 

[bigsmiles]

Very good

Wow is that a motor bike or what? pretty nice

[Hotrodgimp]

Mary was complaining to her friend that her husband never pays any attention to her anymore. Her friend told her you should do what I do. I get naked and sit in bed with my feet up behind my head, It drives my husband wild! So that nite Mary decided to try it and when her husband walked into the room she said, well honey what do you think? He took another look and said for Christ sake comb your hair and put in your teeth, your starting to look like your mother.

[icarus_melt76]

bigsmiles, on Oct 28 2006, 06:54 PM, said:

Very good

Wow is that a motor bike or what? pretty nice

hi yes you could call it a motorbike. Although some think not because u'll see that it actually uses 4 wheels.It was an engineering design for Chrysler styling executives. That puppy has the car engine from the mighty Dodge Viper. 10 cylinders with 500 cubic inches and 500 HP! Everything is cut from solid blocks of aluminum because the motor is so heavy. 2-speed auto transmission. Top speed is near 300 mph. They only made about 100, I think, over $1,000,000 (US) price tag. The bike is called the DODGE TOMOHAWK and were distributed to their very special peple and world reknown collectors. Jay Leno of the TONIGHT SHOW in California got 1 to add to his fabulous collection. Saw him ride it on TV. Says the power just keeps coming. Truly amazing. Check out the bike name with yer internet search engine........more pics and description. I love it. Leno also has a jet-powered bike in his collection....sounds scary powerful and looks beautiful. You could also do a search on 'JET BIKE'. I used 2 ride a lot. Just looking at the pictures make me kinda horny. ha ha. Talk 2 you again.

icarus

[bigsmiles]

Thanks for that icarus will have a look later, sure is unique

Heres my joke for today...



A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[sandyrun]

A minister was completing a
Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I
Had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."


Sermon complete, he sat down.


The song leader stood very cautiously and announced



With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,





Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

[bigsmiles]

Girls night out



Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[brookelynn628]

I travel for my job, and with the busy holiday season coming up, I figured this was an appropriate one to share:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, just A, B, and C boarding groups and you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people! We're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew,the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella!
WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

That reminds me of the type of humor you'll get on a Friday night Southwest flight to Vegas, such as "In the case of an change in pressure, please remove your hand from the thigh of the stranger next to you, set down your cocktail, and put on your mask." Those poor flight attendents - week after week of the same drunken pricks, they keep great humor!

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell,you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,
no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

I fly US Air almost exclusively, and I've heard that one a couple of times - always makes me smile!

20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


And lastly, one from a flight I was actually on with a coworker: We were flying US Airways, and had a sprightly little fellow with an Elton John haircut and Italian leather shoes as a flight attendant. We we seated in the exit row that day, so he was giving us his emergency landing spiel and actually said "In the case of an emergency, there's a 99% chance I'll be nowhere to be found. Now, we are flying over water (out of LA) for just a wee bit, so let me tell you about our super-fun slides. Those doors are real heavy, so really use your muscles and yang the cord real hard. I'm sure y'all will be just fine." Yeah, thanks for the encouragement dude.

Edited by brookelynn628, 31 October 2006 - 07:37 PM.

[Texaswheelz]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Edited by Texaswheelz, 01 November 2006 - 04:28 PM.

[htwhlz97]

I have not read all the previous post yet but I have GOT to get in here.
Here you go

The Funniest Jokes in the World

A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:

The funniest joke in the world:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"


The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


To me the 2nd one is the funniest!

Edited by htwhlz97, 01 November 2006 - 05:55 PM.

[sandyrun]

A woman went into hospital to have a fanny tuck. After the operation she received 3 cards while she was recovering. One was a get well card from her husband, one a card from the surgeon and a 3rd, which was a thank you card, from Eric, on the burns unit thanking her for his new ears.

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[sandyrun]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabels ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

[LadyPilot]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when
the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken> arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope thechicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals
was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.


The moral of the story? ...... (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[LadyPilot]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE!


1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface, was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[keeptrukin]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me!
My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill
or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going
utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so
far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than
ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket
and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry.
The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes...
he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they
enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they
finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of
voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a
man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[keeptrukin]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from
there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and
picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands
it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly
brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm
sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great,
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking
away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in
he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked
here?"

[PetitMortVampyre]

brookelynn628, on Oct 31 2006, 10:33 AM, said:

I travel for my job, and with the busy holiday season coming up, I figured this was an appropriate one to share:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, just A, B, and C boarding groups and you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people! We're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew,the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella!
WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

That reminds me of the type of humor you'll get on a Friday night Southwest flight to Vegas, such as "In the case of an change in pressure, please remove your hand from the thigh of the stranger next to you, set down your cocktail, and put on your mask." Those poor flight attendents - week after week of the same drunken pricks, they keep great humor!

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell,you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,
no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

I fly US Air almost exclusively, and I've heard that one a couple of times - always makes me smile!

20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


And lastly, one from a flight I was actually on with a coworker: We were flying US Airways, and had a sprightly little fellow with an Elton John haircut and Italian leather shoes as a flight attendant. We we seated in the exit row that day, so he was giving us his emergency landing spiel and actually said "In the case of an emergency, there's a 99% chance I'll be nowhere to be found. Now, we are flying over water (out of LA) for just a wee bit, so let me tell you about our super-fun slides. Those doors are real heavy, so really use your muscles and yang the cord real hard. I'm sure y'all will be just fine." Yeah, thanks for the encouragement dude.

LOL TY for sharing those, I'm scared to death when flying... wish my crew was that fun!!!!

[sandyrun]

Little Boy's Powder Nose

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to the little girl and says, “Will you excuse me. I have to go powder my nose.”
And saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back, the little girl looks up at him and asks, “Did you powder your nose?”

“Yes,” said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.

“Well then,”says the little girl, “You’d better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.”

[keeptrukin]

I LOVE THIS JOKE ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK WHEN MY DAUGHTER IS A TEEN I WILL THINK OF IT AS A JOKE ANYLONGER MORE AS A GUIDELINE. LOL

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove
them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come
to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with
my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is
"early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle
with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
mine.

[keeptrukin]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[Joed]

BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[sandyrun]

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."