16 replies to this topic

[Schmidy]

A new topic ... same dad. To recap ... my 67 year old father was in a snow skiing accident where he fell and his head managed to hit the pole. He was wearing a helmet but sustained serious injuries which landed him on a helicopter ride to Denver. He's been in trauma ICU now for 16 days and has had two surgeries. One surgery fused C4-C7 and the other fixed the bones in his face that were fractured.

Before his fall, he was extrememly active with skiing, golfing, walking four miles everyday, etc. He's active with his kids and grandkids.

They turned off his constant IV sedation and pain medication on Thursday last week and he's now much more awake and aware. He's breathing on his own (for the past 36 hours) and has a trach if support is needed. He is still on a feeding tube. Rumor is that he'll go to Craig this week sometime. He is able to lift his legs, wiggle toes and one of the doctors at Craig said that, "there is a strong possibility he will walk again." He has some arm action but fine motor skills in his hands are unlikely to ever be the same.

Here's the thing. He says he wants to die. He asked for my stepmom to let him die. He asked her to pray with him to die (he hasn't prayed since the 70's). He said to, "stop this...let him die." He asked for her to call my brother as he is the power of attorney because, "he would help him die."

I'm not sure what to do or what to say. Is there anything I can say? Can I convince him that we need him? What can I do to help him? Anything??

Thanks!

[mellowgator]

hi schmidy,

your dad seems very depressed. he may be going though withdrawals from the pain meds and may not be thinking clearly. i'm sorry his outlook isn't brighter. but it's so hard to see the bright side at such a tramatic time.

i know this has to be killing you. the best you can do is let him know you love him and want him in your life for a long time. he may be worried that he will be a burden to his family. i would assure him that he isn't a burden and you will never turn your back on him.

no one can be certain about how much he can recover. his hands may come around along with his walking. i would talk to his doctor and and see if he could prescibe an anti-depressant for him. it could help his outlook. the rehab will have couselors who can help as well. this isn't an uncommon way to feel.

just love him and bear with him while he adjusts to all these changes. hopefully he will snap out of this and will get on with his life. there's still so much for him to live for even though he can't see that now.

sadly this is pretty common amongst new sci. i didn't want to live at first either. but i'm glad i stuck it out.

mellowgator

[pinkcloud]

[quote name='Schmidy' timestamp='1303695367' post='222920']

Hi schmidy

This happened to me - surviving the operation and coming out feeling like I was the living dead. This mutilated body would never allow me to live me life as i knew it again.

its only a few months ago that i understood what the doctors meant 'you do so well, its your positive unbelievable emotionsl strength that gets you thorough this.You are doing fantastic'.

Fantastic? What? I then told then 'ohhh I understand, me life is great, compared to a lot of people with ill health you see'. Thats who they compared me too. My head however compared me to meself pre-sci days.

I then began to realiise that a lot of abs lived this life - whereas my pain was physical and stopped me going out more in the world. Their pain was emotional and this stopped them going out more in the world due to credit card debt, they had no friends to go out with or never exercised because they were too tired after work.

I then reliased thet compared to many, i do have a comfortble little life - the life before i had with me adrenelin sports was less normal - after all less people than more people lived this life.

I aalso realised this life wasnt about me anymore - its about the ones i loved. if life got too unbearable i would want to go to swizerland for a paid injected death. I wouldnt want loved ones to find me dead, or some poor adult feel responsible foe me deeath by getting run over etc.

He'll go thorough a whole range of emotions that are uncomfortable to hear. But if he expresses it to you, thats him letting you know - better than hin internalising it, keeping it to himself and doing something. Explain you need him, want him, life can still be good ina different way. Pain does make us feel different. But he will get used to the pain. He willl get medications to help a little. Take him seriously and say 'come on dad, this sci has ruined much of your life already - dont let it ruin our lives too and let it take you from us'. Me and lots of sci live for our loved ones. not much point getting up in life for a lonely day, unless hes one whom enjoys his own company in which case thats a good reason to live.

If my pain got sooo bad and mobility went thus there was no plus side to the pain, would I want to live? No. I would just be a shell. A ghost of who I was. But then again speaking with people on here who have full and happy news maybe I would want to go on living. I am so glad you come on here seeking support for yourself - this is great, you need support too. And hope that things for your dad is a possibilty. Speak to some old-timers in the chair (not old people - long yime in chair) your'll see life is possible. They are so strong, its difficult for their shining personality to not rub off on you.

Bet wishes :-)

[Simba]

It's probably the pain & grief talking and it must be hard on you seeing him like this. He needs time to come to terms with everything and heal. Depression post SCI is very common as he is thinking about 'the losses' and does not know the outcome yet in terms of how much function will be regained and what he will be able to do.

Best thing his family can do is to support & encourage him. You say he has grandkids, have they been visiting yet? Children have an amazing way of bringing people out of their shell again and some time with them would be very therapeutic. This soon after SCI the fact that they are saying there is a strong possibility for him to walk again is very positive news for all of you. Great that he will be heading into rehab soon as they are staffed & experience in dealing with the recovery process both emotionally & physically & mentally and as family you will probaby be receiving a lot more insight in terms of coping yourselves too and how to help him cope.

Things are sure to improve with time, it will be hard work for all of you getting there but it is well worth the effort.

As mellow said there is a strong possibility that he feels like a burden on everyone (guilt over his injury and how it is affeting his loved ones) and you definatley should let him know how much he is loved & valued and while he is undegoing changes physically in terms of function his family will be there for him - he is still the same person that they love, just finding it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe there are some inspiring stories of other people that you could share with him?

Wish you all well with the upcoming rehab - hope that this will help your father come to terms with his abilities and not disabilities and help him concentrate on regaining some function (there is obviously some potential for him to do so). I m sure once he is in rehab and has the support of experienced staff there as well as being able to talk to other SCI's himself he will be able to cope a little better through developing a personal understanding of SCI (being in the dark about things is always the most difficult part of anything).

[wheeliebear75]

If it isn't physical pain that's doing it & it isn't withdrawal of the pain meds than it may just be a temporary although be it large bump in his road back. For many of us;we are "normal" & perhaps even fit taking everyday activities for granted as most do or perhaps the active sort doing lots of sports & this is a large part of the identity, moments later all that changes to where now rather than how many miles will they walk the question is if they'll walk or how many feet......for many this makes them in a way mourn for what they've lost, while others take on PT & getting their independence back if not their mobility like a mountain to be conquered. I think perhaps your father is mourning the lifestyle he was accustom to in being so active. You said he had to have reconstructive surgery on his face.....did he also sustain any brain damage especially of the frontal lobe? The physical comebacks will be slow & to the person each week feels like years. If he has had brain damage this will be a matter of literal years to overcome & some people with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) suffer from depression as a symptom of the brain injury itself & so you may want to bring this up with his neurologist. Keep in mind that although this is an extremely trying time for all of you & especially him it will get better as time goes on and so as he progresses with the physical & occupational therapy his outlook on life will likely improve as he regains what physical abilities he can & with the help of you & the rest of the family can help in finding ways for him to still be active once he does leave the hospital so he's got something to look forward to. Please keep us updating on how he & the rest of you are doing.

[goose]

please let him know he's made more progress already than most people ever gained. in the beginning things are very hard and confusing, time will tell, improvement usually takes time. i cont. to get better for years after my sci. let your dad know how much you need him and that dying now would be selfish. he may be feeling useless. a man needs to feel needed. keep reinforcing him how much you need him .walking or wheeling he's still your dad. keep stalling him . as more return happens, he'll probably forget this thought.

[nomis]

Whatever happens is how it's meant to be. So soon after the injury, your father can only see what he has lost. Only time will enable him to discover what he still has and what gains he may have. Given more time, waiting for another day, he may or may not feel differently. It's difficult for you all and I wish you comfort in each other.

[Apparelyzed]

Hi,

Being able to lift his legs on command, wiggle his toes, and have partial arm use so soon after his injury is very encouraging.

You need to set him a goal, of something he really liked, something to work towards. With good physiotherapy, with the level of initial recovery he has, there's a good chance he'll reach that goal.

The initial depression is very common in SCI people, what you need to do now is work with him to try and come through it so he can see that all is not lost, and that there is a chance of getting back to what maybe a relative normality.

It'll be hard work, but if you can get his mindset into the right mode, then he has a very bright future.

Simon.

[Schmidy]

Thank you all so much. I am just so sad for him. It's hard to hear that he is like this.

I live several states away and was only able to be there for the first eight days. I have two kiddos under five and had to get home. I plan to go back up there once he is in Craig -- although right now, he is saying he doesn't want to see his kids.

[mcferguson]

bringing his kids and grandkids around would be a great thing to do, no matter what he says. i always looked forward to my kids coming to visit and recieve their love. it will show him he is still loved, no matter what limitations he may have. sci can really take the wind out of your sails, but the best thing to do is to press forward and do not let it win. the fact that he can move so much stuff is great news!

[Soryfam]

Coming in late on this, but I have to agree with what the others have said. Depression is almost a given in new SCIs. And seeing/being with family is one very good antidote. Also, if he has any very close friends who could visit, this would let him know that his life isn't all gone-- people still care and are friends with him.
Coming off the pain meds can be tough also. Up until then you are kind of floating along, but when the meds stop you face reality square on.
Wishing you the best.

Sandy

[Illinois Boy]

He is very, very lucky to have those sensations and movements returning....

Most of us on here have been stuck in wheelchairs and worse for many years...
Death is a one way ride, he should be careful what he wishes for..
Good Luck to him....

Jim

[pinkcloud]

Hi

I'm not trying to mindread your dad, i can only give an explanation from me own experience.

I found it hard to let others see me when I was layed up. And thought it would be too hard at the time for some others to see me this way - pumped full of steroids, crying at the drop of a hat, unwashed and unkept. A few of me friends couldnt deal with it and burst out cring. I didnt want to inflict that on anyone, which in me delicate state of mind I believed thats what i was doing.

They came anyway, i explained the tubes were ugly but that they were thre so save me life. Like cabbage dosnt look as nice as sweets, or taste as good as curry, it wasnt what the tubes looked like - or how the drugs made me look - they did a great job.

The drugs, they sent me coocoo. I come off them for he same reason. The pain was unbearable and i sat there rocking for a week. Depression sets in 'i dont want to live' is quite common words to speak. Hold on there, I am so sure things will get better. I cant promise that they will but quite a few of us do. Your a great son. Your dad I am sure is a great dad and grandad. Remember its the sci speaking, not your dad. He will get back in control i am sure. please do write here again, where you are not alone. and thank you for your honest posts. they will stay on here and help many others in time to come

p.s. i am on lots of medication at minute and they work nice, because me heads in a good place, they work well. One day i hope they work nice for your dad too :-)

Edited by pinkcloud, 25 April 2011 - 10:09 PM.

[dangerousdave]

It's not your choice
Give him time to reflect
Respect his wishes

[T11WALKER]

Schmidy,

I'm sorry to read about your dads injury. As I laid in the hospital with out a clue about SCI I called numerous friends asking them to bring me a gun so I could end my life. This coming June 8th will be 3yrs for me after my SCI. I'm about 80% to 90% of what I was before the injury, I can fast walk 2 miles in 26 minutes.

In other ways I'm better off because of my injury, I'm a better husband and father to my family. Your dad just needs to suck it up! In my opinion if your dad took his life it would be an insult to all people suffering with SCI who have not had much return and choose life.

Steve

[Schmidy]

Thank you all so much for responding with opinions and advice. I'm so glad I found this forum ... and in time, I hope dad will join as well. Yesterday he smiled all day long -- it was like someone gave him a happy pill. He had his first physical therapy session and hopefully he will start to see that, all things considered, he seems to have a lot of movement for his particular SCI. It looks like he is being moved to Craig on Thursday ... fingers crossed. I'm anxious to get up there and see him.

Today I'm going to put the kids in front of the video camera and make a short little video for him. I figure it's the next best thing to being there in person.

[pinkcloud]

[quote name='Schmidy' timestamp='1303830790' post='223231']

Brilliant news schmidy, and a lovely idea about the video thanks for keeping us posted