26 replies to this topic

[MTB John]

My wife started a new job after I got out of the hospital. She does not walk around telling people about me but if the topic comes, say, for instance - Why are you taking your husband to the hospital again? Then she will give them the basics. This often leads to the above question.

Is this a common occurrence? My wife is 29 however most of the people she works with assume she is about 23, this may be a contributing factor but still. She seems to be asked alot..

Anyway just wondering...

[wheelchairbarbie]

It is a common occurrence because the majority of people are shallow, ignorant assholes!

[snowqueeneh]

I get the same question all the time. I can't stand it. If my husband was an AB asshole that beat me all the time they would at least understand that I stay because "I love him". But because he's disabled it's unfathomable?

[jscott92064]

MTB John, on 05 May 2011 - 10:15 AM, said:

My wife started a new job after I got out of the hospital. She does not walk around telling people about me but if the topic comes, say, for instance - Why are you taking your husband to the hospital again? Then she will give them the basics. This often leads to the above question.

Is this a common occurrence? My wife is 29 however most of the people she works with assume she is about 23, this may be a contributing factor but still. She seems to be asked alot..

Anyway just wondering...

I don't get the question anymore --it was just from the folks who knew my husband before he became a paraplegic. I think it was their own stuff that they were putting on me. So tell her to try not to take it personally. I think what I get tired of the most these days is folks giving me "the look" --which feels like a combo of pity and admiration for staying with my husband. Again, their own stuff being put on me. I don't think I can ever change that, but I can control my side of the equation. One of the folks here mentioned that the "strained look" could be them having to "pass gas" so now I get a good laugh each time I get the "look".

[pinkcloud]

yeap it is mtb john, not just restricted to sci neither - its looks, age, money..... no one escapes it.

Its normally lots of reasons, 3 of them are:

1. They are jelous, wants a piece of you themself, tries to make you look unworthy then move on in there

2. They have never met a bloke who wants a lady for more than just sex. You want her and they cant get
their heads around this becaause you are very much in love at an early age.

3. They are bored and want to cause trouble with other peoples lifes.

They are not usually real friends. And so opinions count for not a lot really.

You two have a lovely night snuggling up to each other - good on you both its hard to find 'the one' sometimes. i wish you both a lovely life togeter for ever and ever

[mellowgator]

this is way common. while i was still in rehab the psycologists there had a meeting with my husband and told him to go ahead and leave me while i was still in rehab so i could get on with my life. my husband didn't take too kindly to this and told them never to talk to him again. he wasn't going anywhere. i can see where the shrink thought she was only helping. only 99.99% of the significant others do stay after sci. but in my case she was wrong.


mellowgator

[wheelzoffortune]

wheelchairbarbie, on 05 May 2011 - 01:15 PM, said:

It is a common occurrence because the majority of people are shallow, ignorant assholes!

That pretty much sums it up.

[forlife]

I love this. I actually asked myself this question as well. Upon him being injured initially I immediately came to this website to research. Although I knew instantly that I could not imagine my life without him. I realize the reason I want to be with him is quite simple: I love him. I love him sooooooooooooo much that I am happy he is here. Honestly, he wasn't perfect before the injury; so a change in ability does not sway me. I've created new dreams taking into consideration his new ability. I could always imagine us marrying, which I hope happens in 3 years or so as I want him to have his time to adjust to his new body. He is truly my king and he is the strongest man I know. I am soooo happy we were on and off with an intense physical connection for 12 years so now we can really enjoy each other :-).

[Hapahowlee]

I don't believe I've ever been asked this particular question. I do however, get a lot of people telling me what a good person I am or angel, special, etc. b/c I'm with a guy who is bound to a wheelchair.

Being the quick witted smartass I am I usually say something back that has nothing to do with my husband being a quad, such as . . . "Oh, do you know about his snoring problem? Well, I just wear earplugs now and that's solved." Of course, I think up different issues here and there, but I just try to steer away from the quad/wheelchair thing.

I also gave my hubby some lines to use for those weirdos who come up to him and say, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" What a dumb way to ask how someone became wheelchair bound.

Hubby sometimes will say, "Oh my gosh, how did you know I was having a awful day, does it really show that bad?" Then he goes on to say he has the shits from eating some bad food or he ran out of gas earlier that morning or whatever. Just anything to steer away from "The Wheelchair!"

Sometimes people come up to me even if hubby and I are together and ask, "What's wrong with him?" I just usually say, "Oh, he's upset because I wouldn't put out this morning and he gets really crabby when he can't get his rocks off."

That line is really a shocker b/c many people don't realize that quads and paras can make love. Of course, it's different for everyone, but there are many ways to be intimate.

Mellogator, I'm so glad your hubby truly loves you and knows you are still the same person he fell in love with. That's nice.

I'm wife #2. The first one only lasted about a year and even during that year, she was all about soaking up the sympathy/empathy she was getting. When that wore off, she got caught trading in the family car and using money from fundraisers to buy herself a sports car to cat around. That was about 25 years ago and Karma is now kicking her ass!

[Wheelsonfire]

MTB John, on 05 May 2011 - 10:15 AM, said:

My wife started a new job after I got out of the hospital. She does not walk around telling people about me but if the topic comes, say, for instance - Why are you taking your husband to the hospital again? Then she will give them the basics. This often leads to the above question.

Is this a common occurrence? My wife is 29 however most of the people she works with assume she is about 23, this may be a contributing factor but still. She seems to be asked alot..

Anyway just wondering...

This is one of two things.

Ignorance, but not in a bad way, we were all ignorant to SCI prior to SCI.
It is only those who suffer or who have a family member are aware and from there our mindset evolved, nurtured to an understanding that the physical can be broken, yet changes not the person, unless the person lets it so.

Then there is the element of surprise when your wife discloses that she is with one who found the body to be fragile.
Initial thought voiced is what they would do, this does not mean they are of small mind, for they have not been in the position of your wife, if and only then will they show their true values, now if they act with their initial thought, it deems them obsolete and they matter not.
If they choose to stand with your wife then it shows their initial reaction was flaud, so they should not be judged on an ASSumption.

As to whether it is common practice, cards dealt to each decides.

[jscott92064]

mellowgator, on 05 May 2011 - 10:37 PM, said:

this is way common. while i was still in rehab the psycologists there had a meeting with my husband and told him to go ahead and leave me while i was still in rehab so i could get on with my life. my husband didn't take too kindly to this and told them never to talk to him again. he wasn't going anywhere. i can see where the shrink thought she was only helping. only 99.99% of the significant others do stay after sci. but in my case she was wrong.


mellowgator

That shrink was clearly an idiot.

[wheeliebear75]

Yeah....some people are so self-centered THEY couldn't handle being with someone who has any disability or major illness....we call these "PUDDLE PEOPLE"....cuz they're about as deep as one. You are lucky to have a wife who DID take her vows seriously INCLUDING the one about "in sickness & in health" portion. Maybe she can say "I fell in love with HIM not his spine!"? Turn it around on the person "OMG you mean you WOULDN'T?!?!?". You guys are obviously still in love.....just turn THAT around on them...."You can't imagine staying with someone? How sad for YOU.....to go through life KNOWING that at any moment you might have an accident or become seriously ill that then YOU would be left."!

I was 14 & dating a boy who did stick around for the "recovery". But he figured that since I'd made such great strides back towards normal functioning that HE & HIS FAMILY thought that if I just kept working at it then the rest would "get worked out/fixed". Well I didn't get back to 100%! And that led to a lot of anger on his part; which lead to him cheating on me & getting abusive! So he went out chick chasing......and now he's got NOBODY!!! I'm better off with OUT him.

Guy #2 was all about the "look at me....see what a nice guy I am for being with you?". Eh PISS OFF!

When B/F was telling some of his car buddies about me; he told them how sweet I am, & how he loves my smile, & my taste in music, how I have all kinds of hobbies & interests, and so on. So of course then when they asked "you got a picture so WE can see?" ...well he'd forgotten to mention that I'm in a wheelchair. And so when they had a puzzled "HUH?" look he told them I had an accident when I was 14 that left me with a spinal cord injury + a mild brain injury. Next question made him want to DECK UM...."WHY are you with her?!?!?"! Other friends who were there at the time also tried verifying that I'm NOT retarded....in fact I'm actually still pretty damn smart. B/F & other friends just brush those guys off now. They're just jerk-puddles anyway & probably wouldn't stick around with ANYONE once things are anything BUT hunky dory.....karma WILL bite them in the end.....it did my ex-husband.

I think you & your misses may just have to try and educate those who are open minded enough & will ALLOW THEMSELVES to learn/understand. Sadly yes many of us did loose the relationships we started off with BUT in the end I think each & every one of us wishes we'd found THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE we're with NOW prior to our injuries.....not just because then we wouldn't have had the mental anguish of being left.....but I for one feel that I "wasted" my time by having been with those other ass-holes AND that the PRINCE/PRINCESS we are with NOW who sticks by us through thick & thin, when we are having a good day OR bad day were the ones who DESERVED to have had us when our good days always outnumbered the bad days.

mellowgator, on 05 May 2011 - 10:37 PM, said:

this is way common. while i was still in rehab the psycologists there had a meeting with my husband and told him to go ahead and leave me while i was still in rehab so i could get on with my life. my husband didn't take too kindly to this and told them never to talk to him again. he wasn't going anywhere. i can see where the shrink thought she was only helping. only 99.99% of the significant others do stay after sci. but in my case she was wrong.


mellowgator

I hope you guys switched psychologists!

[Simba]

Happens all the time and with us they go further to dictate that I should leave my husband or vice versa. We both get it from everyone and hear it constantly even indirectly as well as direcly (it is part of societies problem and kind of unavoidable).

People think they have a right to talk about things that are personal when there is a disability concerned and to advise on things that are none of their business in the first place. Worst part is they say they do it out of concern for one or the other of us as they seem to think the solution to our difficulties is just to walk or wheel away. Typical attitude as far as people go they never adress their own problems but prefer to create problems in other people's lives where they are completely un-nessecary.

John attitudes in NZ about couples with disability are alike to that of the stone age where people with any impairments would be put to death - things need to change here it is really bad. it doen't help that disabled people were still forced into mandatory institutions up until the late seventies here, since then attitudes toward disability hasn't really changed people just choose to ignore everything as they are so stuck in their own shallow little lives. They also seem to firmly believe that if disabled people are abondoned they will receive the appropriate help here - man are they delusional as this does not really exist in our country.

Anyway way off topic now - sorry - short answer is yes.

[forlife]

Hapahowlee, on 06 May 2011 - 12:19 AM, said:

I don't believe I've ever been asked this particular question. I do however, get a lot of people telling me what a good person I am or angel, special, etc. b/c I'm with a guy who is bound to a wheelchair.

Being the quick witted smartass I am I usually say something back that has nothing to do with my husband being a quad, such as . . . "Oh, do you know about his snoring problem? Well, I just wear earplugs now and that's solved." Of course, I think up different issues here and there, but I just try to steer away from the quad/wheelchair thing.

I also gave my hubby some lines to use for those weirdos who come up to him and say, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" What a dumb way to ask how someone became wheelchair bound.

Hubby sometimes will say, "Oh my gosh, how did you know I was having a awful day, does it really show that bad?" Then he goes on to say he has the shits from eating some bad food or he ran out of gas earlier that morning or whatever. Just anything to steer away from "The Wheelchair!"

Sometimes people come up to me even if hubby and I are together and ask, "What's wrong with him?" I just usually say, "Oh, he's upset because I wouldn't put out this morning and he gets really crabby when he can't get his rocks off."

That line is really a shocker b/c many people don't realize that quads and paras can make love. Of course, it's different for everyone, but there are many ways to be intimate.

Mellogator, I'm so glad your hubby truly loves you and knows you are still the same person he fell in love with. That's nice.

I'm wife #2. The first one only lasted about a year and even during that year, she was all about soaking up the sympathy/empathy she was getting. When that wore off, she got caught trading in the family car and using money from fundraisers to buy herself a sports car to cat around. That was about 25 years ago and Karma is now kicking her ass!

Ha! This was fun to read!

[MTB John]

It's a great world we live in is it not??

Nice to know she is not the only one. For the record it does not upset her much. She has taken to saying she sticks around for the parking permit..

It's only been 10 months since I got out of hospital where I spent six. And the support that all the partners gave each other is such a contrast to the real world.

But Mellow that's just sad.. That said, I hope he stuck around out of love and not just to prove her wrong.

And Wheeliebear - 10 points for coining the phrase Puddle People, I think I'll have to steel that one..

Thank kids,
J

Edited by MTB John, 06 May 2011 - 11:30 AM.

[pinkcloud]

Het mtb john...and after the earthquake that made many disabled, sad sad people.

I loved wheeliebears 'you mean you wouldn't' answer. Mine is less kind if its said in an insultive bitchy way that would hurt me loved one as I'm highly protective of them /i love.

I discover their insecurity and then say for example 'wee the reason I stay is because - hes handsome, intellegent and pleases me in EVERY way. I bet you wish you had me in your life hey, because you know i'm not shallow and wouldnt throw up everytime you speak about/I have to look at your face with that ..(whatever insecurity they have about themself, However I would ask you to fund me anti-nausea tablets for everytime I'm with you though,else I'd be bankcrupt in a week otherwise. (Sometimes people dont deserve me kindness so I wont offer it so 'nasty talk' is all the can relate too. sad hey.).
Now dont put me partner down again, trying to put me off him is not going to make me break up with him so that I'll date you instead,and anyway with your personality your've prevented me from turning bi-sexual'.

The 'rule of karma' mentioned by hapahoelee, its worth me getting karma for anything I may have done/do even though I dont like it - when you know nasty pieces of work like his first wife (she dont deserve that title)

Pure brilliance - and I'll use it in every scenerio like yours and other common ones.

I had this, me friend was not exactly what some call handsome but to me he was gorgeous. Many acquientences even came up to me when he wasnt there and said 'ohhh your brother/uncle/cousin' he looks nothing like you though, hes lovely to talk with, I wouldnt have expected that. Not once did they assume i had picked him as a friend. Funny that as they like me because i accept them for who they are - i suppose they think that i ought not apply this part of me personality.

This is great you lady dosnt care what they think but then again, i bet you knew this already and why you love her.

In answer to woffys post, lots of women when they get together talk about their blokes - looks, good habits, bad habits, sex life details, sizes of muscles and other body parts...its what some of us too thats why mentioning the sci was mentioned. Sorry boys but in some instances its the case

I too had a 'friend' who thought being with me had the same 'oh isnt she lovely to go out to the shops with her disabled friend'. Just like some women go gooey over men pushing prams and use this as a pulling tactic. She was sacked.

Edited by pinkcloud, 06 May 2011 - 10:32 PM.

[Simba]

pinkcloud, on 06 May 2011 - 10:24 PM, said:

Het mtb john...and after the earthquake that made many disabled, sad sad people.

I loved wheeliebears 'you mean you wouldn't' answer. Mine is less kind if its said in an insultive bitchy way that would hurt me loved one as I'm highly protective of them /i love.

I discover their insecurity and then say for example 'wee the reason I stay is because - hes handsome, intellegent and pleases me in EVERY way. I bet you wish you had me in your life hey, because you know i'm not shallow and wouldnt throw up everytime you speak about/I have to look at your face with that ..(whatever insecurity they have about themself, However I would ask you to fund me anti-nausea tablets for everytime I'm with you though,else I'd be bankcrupt in a week otherwise. (Sometimes people dont deserve me kindness so I wont offer it so 'nasty talk' is all the can relate too. sad hey.).
Now dont put me partner down again, trying to put me off him is not going to make me break up with him so that I'll date you instead,and anyway with your personality your've prevented me from turning bi-sexual'.

The 'rule of karma' mentioned by hapahoelee, its worth me getting karma for anything I may have done/do even though I dont like it - when you know nasty pieces of work like his first wife (she dont deserve that title)

Pure brilliance - and I'll use it in every scenerio like yours and other common ones.

I had this, me friend was not exactly what some call handsome but to me he was gorgeous. Many acquientences even came up to me when he wasnt there and said 'ohhh your brother/uncle/cousin' he looks nothing like you though, hes lovely to talk with, I wouldnt have expected that. Not once did they assume i had picked him as a friend. Funny that as they like me because i accept them for who they are - i suppose they think that i ought not apply this part of me personality.

This is great you lady dosnt care what they think but then again, i bet you knew this already and why you love her.

In answer to woffys post, lots of women when they get together talk about their blokes - looks, good habits, bad habits, sex life details, sizes of muscles and other body parts...its what some of us too thats why mentioning the sci was mentioned. Sorry boys but in some instances its the case

I too had a 'friend' who thought being with me had the same 'oh isnt she lovely to go out to the shops with her disabled friend'. Just like some women go gooey over men pushing prams and use this as a pulling tactic. She was sacked.

Too true sometimes you think what the heck??? they wouldn't dare say anything along those lines to a non-disabled couple because they would get told it's none of their business and to P off.

Husband gets asked all the time where his daughter is bit of a age gap between us (14 years) but he's looking fine for his age so it is really amusing people think I look so young sometimes, still get Id'ed sometimes.

Personally the physical side to a human being is so unimportant to me though it is who the person is their nature, strengths and how we complement each other in the relationship that's important. The rest is just a perk

[tsh3406]

I dated a biker chick years ago that would say anything to anybody, like "cuz he's thick as a beer can." or "because he's a blue ribbon pussy eater." Maybe not 100% accurate, but it shut people up, lol...

T

[Spinner]

I find this thread so interesting! I have honestly never had a single person inquire as to why I dated, spent time with, married, or stick with my husband. I can't help but wonder if there is some energy we put out when we are together that keeps people from getting too nosy! LOL! I am pretty sure that if this type of thing did happen I would not handle it with humor or patience. I would more than likely glare and give a response that could not be mistaken as patient and would see to it that person would never broach the issue with me again.

[Chel]

I also think people don't think before they speak too because some people can ask some strange things. It's about respecting ones zone.

[snowqueeneh]

tsh3406, on 09 May 2011 - 03:56 AM, said:

I dated a biker chick years ago that would say anything to anybody, like "cuz he's thick as a beer can." or "because he's a blue ribbon pussy eater." Maybe not 100% accurate, but it shut people up, lol...

T

OMG that's funny. I just might try that one time

[newwife08]

I can totally relate to this. Heck! My mother and her best friend tried to talk me out of marrying him in the first place. And I still get asked now. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I rant once in a while about what a pain in the ass he can be and complain about how sad and lonely my life is at times, but that doesn't mean I don't love him or want to leave him!

I started a new job a few years ago, not long after we got married. I commented one day to a co-worker about how excited I was that our wedding album was done and that I was going to pick it up after work. She asked me the next day how they turned out and when I said great she asked if I'd bring them in to share.

Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing! I got every comment in the book from how wonderful a person I was to people actually asking me why I married him. REALLY?????

I fell in love with my husband for "who" he was, not "what" he was. He was my knight "on" shining armor! Some people ask me if I feel like he takes advantage of me because of what he can't do. I tell them that we take advantage of each other..... in our own special ways.

[rmorgan]

When my now husband first met my parents, as we left the house my step-father looks to my mother, sighs, and says "watch her marry this one." But it wasn't in a "nice" way. Now 5 years later, we're married and my step-father still kicks himself for saying that.

He loves my husband, my whole family does. But I believe it's just an intial response from people who aren't used to or know someone with a disability. Why would someone want to make life more complicated for themselves?! That's what they think.

The answer is simple...because you love them.

I met my husband after the accident, and like Hapa said...I get the whole "god, you're such a special person to be with him." Really?! Because YOU couldn't be with someone in a chair, etc. I MUST be special. Nope that's not it...I met a man whom I had instant connection with, fell in love, and married him. That's not special, it's life.

[daffodil]

Thanks for posting this... wish I had seen this earlier... just posted a similar topic.

[cando]

Can't say that I've ever been asked this particular question. I suppose I may be taken aback a little bit the day that someone actually does ask it, but it wouldn't completely bother me. People are curious about the things they don't understand. To them, having a wheelchair bound partner must mean the end of the world, and it doesn't make sense to them that another person would willingly stay in the relationship. The answer to this somewhat ridiculous question is simple..."because I love him/her." That's all that has to be said.

Now. I CAN say that I do get lots of other questions about our situation. Again, it really doesn't bother me...folks are just curious as spinal cord injury = WHOLE NEW WORLD...a world that can't be understood unless you actually have an SCI or act as a caretaker to someone that does. I accept the questions and answer them. I take them as opportunities to educate and to spread the word about being mindful of those with SCI. Then, folks will think twice before borrowing granny's placard to get a better parking spot, or sitting in wheelchair accessible designated seats at the movies, or occupying a wheelchair accessible restroom stall, or not sharing the one shady spot at the park...and the list goes on.

The question that does make me giggle a little is the one about "how we had a kid." Well, "we did it the old fashioned way...um...almost the old fashioned way."

[smg]

That is horrible. No one has every asked me that, and good thing. I'd be likely to punch them in the face!

[MountainWard]

At my job they could not fathom that I would remarry my ex wife after becoming paraplegic. After I did she was fairly newly para and had many bouts with bone infection and wounds, so I was taking a lot of time off from work to take her around to doctors appointments. They came and told me I had to be there 40 hours a week period... I told them I would train someone before I go.... No sense working with jerks...

Edited by MountainWard, 15 September 2011 - 04:31 PM.