16 replies to this topic

[mcwriter]

As some of you know, I haven't been on here for quite a spurt. There are a lot of changes going on at our house. Our daughter was accepted at university and suddenly her summer has filled up with activities and things to be done for school, a new kind of boredom from being anxious for school to start,etc. We home-schooled both of our kids, so it is a big change to our household and scheduling things to have them both at university.

On top of that, I've also decided to finish my degree that I was oh so close to finishing---get this,---25 years ago!!! Yup, me too, I was just accepted as well. I am rather nervous, but much more excited and it is thanks to my husband who has really pushed me to do this. He knows me to the depths of my soul and knows that I have put my dreams in a box, up in the attic, way back behind everything else for all of these years.

Here is my conflict though....I have had a fabulous part-time job for the last almost 7 years that has been so flexible for working around his needs, all his appointments, numerous and sometimes long pharmacy trips, all those surprise health issues. And while all our changes around here look so positive, going back to school means a laid in stone schedule, some days with longer hours away from home and with both kids also away most of the time, my husband will have to be at home for longer and more frequent times than any of us are used to. My family says I should keep my little job at least for awhile, so I've decided to at least work through the Christmas season. After that it will cause overlaps with school and I will likely have to quit. This means that this Fall season I will be gone a lot more than ever, and I won't have one or the other of the kids here either like it has been until now.

I know many of you have spouses or significant others who work full-time and this change is going to be new to us---being apart for longer and more often. It is freaking me out a bit. I am worried that he will get so lonely or get hurt trying to do something he shouldn't attempt or who knows?

We haven't had a dog for a few years and we have considered a new pet, but my husband wouldn't be able to let the dog out when it needed to. He only likes big dogs. Does anyone use a "big" doggy door?

I can think of a million little practicalities to get ready for the big change this fall, but when it comes to my husband having to spend more time alone that worries me more than anything. I am going to finally get to do what I have always wanted while he won't ever get to. I don't want that working on his mind. He gets down when he has had too much time to think and I am always trying to combat that with convincing him of his vital role in our family. He is our cement, we need him, he is the one we go to, and he very much DOES have an important purpose! He is the one who pushes us to reach higher.

Can anyone help me prep for this? I've got until the end of August to get everyone and everything ready for this transition and I could really use some advice. As some of you know, my husband is in bed almost all of the time. School is close enough that I could even schedule to dash home between classes, but I suppose the biggest worry is for him to keep occupied enough to not get bored and lonely!....and for me to be able to be confident I can let go a little to do this.

[madhouse73]

Hi no advice froma carers side, but a reasurance he should be ok .I am now home and have same sort of level injury as your husband and am now back home alone just me and the kids (single parent )and they are at school during the day .( and the peace is good ).

sorry just seen you said he is in bed .Would say laptop then as ,means of still talking to people and what about making sure he can get a drink when needed

Edited by madhouse73, 09 June 2011 - 12:37 PM.

[greybeard]

mcwriter, on 09 June 2011 - 12:28 PM, said:

We haven't had a dog for a few years and we have considered a new pet, but my husband wouldn't be able to let the dog out when it needed to. He only likes big dogs. Does anyone use a "big" doggy door?

Yep. I have the largest of these fitted. http://www.petdoorso...uminium_29.html I think these may be sold as Petsafe doors in the US. The largest will accommodate a German Shepherd easily. Maybe even a Mastiff.

Get a mongrel as it should be free from faults caused by in-breeding, but get it from a rescue centre - not a breeder. There are too many unwanted dogs in the world already. Breeding more is irresponsible and is damaging to the breeds themselves. For a devoted one-man dog I would recommend anything with Staffordshire Bull Terrier in it´s bloodline. They are not usually massive. They just think they are!!

[Spinner]

Perhaps your family could apply for a service dog. My husband had one when he lived alone for an extended time. He loved that dog and having him around really helped with his independence. It is a long process to get one but it might be worth a try.

National Education for Assistance Dogs

Paws for Ability

I am a full-time college student, that combined with my part-time job and the responsibilities of raising our three boys, keeps me away from my husband more than I would like. I ache a little because of all the time we spend apart and he is alone. All I know for sure is that he supports he and my efforts 100% and when we are together we value every single second. You are doing something wonderful for yourself and as hard as the adjustment may be, I think in the end you and your husband and your entire family will be glad you made this choice. Good luck to you all!

P.S. If you ever need to vent to another non-traditional student, don't hesitate. The college campus is a whole different world when one returns after a long break!

[qbounce]

Mcwriter,
You've always got great topics of conflict to share.
But, this time the only conflict is yours internally.
So the answer is easy . . . . go to school. Roy said it'll be okay.
Certainly he doesn't want you to harbor any resentment toward him for holding you back all these years.
And, although you don't feel as though it was ever his fault that you didn't finished school, in the back of his mind he may have some guilt.
He knows you've sacrificed to much for him over the years, and now it's his turn.
What could be more giving than that?

Get the dog and the large doggy door.
Prepare meals in advance for your guy.
Buy him a 10,000 Sudoku puzzle book. -lol (or whatever will occupy his time)
Try to enroll in on-line courses that might keep you at home more.

You can do this!

My wife's been taking prerequisite courses for Nursing school over the past 2 semesters, and she works part to full time night shifts as well.
I'm grateful for her dedication. She worries about me, I'm sure. She doesn't worry as much about me any more because I've shown her that I really am fine when she's not here.

[mcwriter]

First of all thanks to everyone! I've got from now until September to get it in gear.

Yes, I had thought about a service dog awhile back and we decided that would take some of the fun out of it for my husband. The last dog we had for 11 yrs. was a lab and Roy taught him hand signals, so he thinks he would like to do that again. We have been looking at dogs from different rescue places and haven't clicked with one yet. It is slow going on the dog idea. Every time we think we've come up with one, Roy nixes on it. He's got some pretty definite things in mind. Meanwhile I will look into the doggie doors.

Yes, he does a lot on his laptop and including social things, but then he'll have a spurt of big-time boredom and frustration. I like the puzzle book idea. He used to like to do the Dell Crosswords. Yes, he can get to what he needs and good idea about the make ahead meals and snacks. I can keep him supplied with that stuff.

And qbounce, yes, I'm always torn about something, aren't I?

I've gotta think on this some more.....I can tell he is really down about what we three are doing (kids & I in college)because he would like to be doing it too and his body & health just won't let him. It puts me in such turmoil. I really think this one I can't fix, he has to do it, and I wish I wasn't feeling the weight of it because nothing I've tried seems to help at all.

I don't know, gotta think.

[Soryfam]

Congrats on going back to college. I was working on finishing my BA when I had my SCI. All three of our daughters were also in college at the same time, two at the same UNiversity as me. It was fun. I think you'll love it.
I haven't been able to go back since the SCI, but I try to stay involved by discussing topics with the girls and my sons in law. I also proofread papers for the two who are getting their Master's right now. I do understand the boredom issue. I find myself having to force myself to do things. It's almost like I get petulant because I can't be doing what I really want to do, so why bother? Give your hubby lots of ideas and options, but it has to be his decision.

Getting a dog is a great idea. Obviously he loves dogs. It sounds like this is another issue of he can't commit to a dog as it isn't totally on his terms. We have four big dogs, and our doggie door gets tons of use. We have one from the same company as GB does. You can get them at pet stores, on line, even Amazon. My husband and sons in law put our replacement one in a few weeks ago. The other one was pretty worn out after ten years, especially with our latest addition, a now ten month old German Shepherd.

My husband is an over the road truck driver and is gone 3-4 days a week. I am alone as our girls are all adults on their own. I have a fall safety necklace that I wear. I can push the button and they immediately contact me through the device or call my cell phone. I can call it if I fall, feel ill, have any kind of emergency or assistance. It's only $30 a month and makes me and the family feel a lot more comfortable with my being alone.

I would try to include your husband in your studies if he is at all interested. Sometimes having outside stimulation is what makes the difference between a good day and a bad.Perhaps he could sometime audit a class session with you? Our university here will allow that.

I can tell he supports your desire to go back to school. Sometimes you have to do something for yourself. I know I worry that my husband doesn't get enough time for himself. He is my biggest supporter, and but I know he has to have an identity besides "Sandy's caregiver." This is why I support his working. He has regular customers he sees every week and is friends with them and the other drivers. At work he is defined by who he is, not by our relationship.

Good luck with your plans.

Sandy

[Tetracyclone]

McWriter,

Here is what I know about you- You like to think things through and write as you go. Exaggeration helps you focus. I'm not getting in on this because I know you will have it in hand shortly.

[johnjlm2]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. I to now have to spend more time away from my wife than I like. I worry all the time. It is nice to see that others do as well, I don't feel so bad for worrying. I guess with time things generally get better. I leave my wife with lots to drink(wrapped in ice packs). She really enjoys Netflix and Hulu. Maybe make an extra effort to let your husband know everyday that he is so helpful with your continuing education. I was really worried about my wifes mental health being gone for so long with work, but I try at the end of each day to spend some quality alone time with her even if it is just a few minutes. She does spend most of her time in bed. We do have dogs, but little ones. Four to be exact, and I put in a doggy door. It is easy to do and with minimal tools you should be able to do the same. I credit our first dog, mini dauchsand named Cinnamon for helping keep my wife going. Best wishes to you and your husband. It is nice to see that there are men out there that love thier familys and support them with love and care like your husband.
Sincerely
john

[DannyR]

Hi Criss
Great news. Have you considered on line courses for Roy? That way he can stay a part of what's going on and do the work when it's convienent for him. Dogs are great company...my wife works long days sometimes and I spend alot of time home alone. Good luck.

[mcwriter]

Always nice to know that others have figured this out and get some great pointers.

Roy has been looking at dogs online and found some he liked, but then stopped looking and said he couldn't do it that way, he would have to meet them. That's cool. So now he is actually wanting to go out and see if we can find a nice dog that "clicks" with him, which is best anyway. That is always easier said than done of course, you all know about that. But I am going to keep my eyes peeled for some of the events they have around here for pet adoptions. He still thinks he wants a pup though or at least pretty young. Like I said, he has a lot of specific things in mind.

We did talk a little about his taking a class or two online, but then he gets some goal in his head that on the surface seems un-doable. He would have to have a goal and really I guess we need to do more research on that. I can think of things he could do, but he was always a hands-on guy in medicine, and anything other than that he doesn't really want to do. So this is at a standstill unless he can get his head around something new. I will do some googling and see what I can come up with to suggest.

Yes, Tetra, I think and type at the same time. Usually I can work my way around an issue or problem that way, but that is usually just me working out something, so I shall have to keep trying to make a dent in it.

[mcwriter]

Yup, figures...the more I go forward the higher the obstacles pile up. I am trying to sift through and try to figure out how to coordinate everything for everyone and it's just not looking very pretty so far.

This is one of those things where the easy outs are always lurking and I've gotta ignore them and look straight ahead.

My neck hurts.

[isobar]

What about an aide , if your hubby's condition ties him to the bed with limited mobility ........ shouldn't he be eligible for so many hours a day ? Consider all possibilities. I wish you well and hope you find a solution. You know those easy outs are always lurking ....... as for your neck apply heat , a little alcohol and a tender caress.

[mcwriter]

isobar, on 19 June 2011 - 04:58 AM, said:

What about an aide , if your hubby's condition ties him to the bed with limited mobility ........ shouldn't he be eligible for so many hours a day ? Consider all possibilities. I wish you well and hope you find a solution. You know those easy outs are always lurking ....... as for your neck apply heat , a little alcohol and a tender caress.

Ahhh, you are always so insightful and kind.

I don't think we are quite at the point yet of needing someone else to come in. I think the issue is him occupying his brain more in a satisfying way.

I have noticed lately that he has been doing all he can to encourage me to use my time to "do whatever I need to do" to get ready for school, part of which has been about going back and forth to take care of things at the school,---he says to take my time and enjoy it---and also I have been trying to clean out my office space to convert it into a studio again---to which he wants to know what I need in there and have I painted anything yet?

Remember how I used to whine about being sooo overloaded that I couldn't even complete a whole thought without interruptions from everyone? He is purposely not doing that. He is giving me these long stretches of time as I do not only these things mentioned above, but he is understanding that I also need to get my head into this new groove that I put behind me so long ago. And by doing that, I think he is already getting us both used to what is coming, that is more time apart.

I think a little progress is starting to be made.

[Soryfam]

It sounds like he has been doing some thinking and planning of his own. It's very sweet that he is trying to be so supportive. I hope you enjoy your classes very much.

Sandy

[mcwriter]

Thanks.
I think I have my class schedule figured out pretty much, and how our daughters' and sons' schedules will figure in, how I can work my part-time job around these...now I need to figure out how to coordinate home things.

Lately my husband is having some strange appetite issues...it is getting really hard to find something he wants to eat and the list is getting really limited. It's like his tastebuds have changed or something. Things I could count on having on hand that he really liked, he can't stand anymore and he says some even make him nauseous. Other times, I will manage to come up with something and he'll clean his plate. So many times I will make him a meal and he can't eat it and he doesn't know what he wants instead. I'm really at a loss on this one. I think his pain level is staying higher than usual, so that probably has something to do with it.

I was hoping to be able to do some make-ahead things for him for when school starts, but now I am not so sure that is going to work like I thought. I may have to plan something completely different in order for him to have several things to choose from just in case when I'm not here, but I have no idea what. It's not just thinking about when we are all more busy in the Fall, right now, each day it is trial n' error to make something he will like to eat and also how much, because I never can guess the right thing or the right amount or the times when his pain level is so high he can't even think of food. Of course, then I worry he isn't getting enough.

Blasted carnivore! It's boggling. As you can see from that outburst, if it doesn't involve meat or fish, it isn't a meal and anything else is considered rabbit food. Have you gathered that it is hard to get him to eat stuff that's actually good for him? Yeah, I'm lucky to get anything else into him other than a few bites of side dishes.

I don't know, if it's not one thing, it's another and I try all his favorites and see him waiting longer and longer with his plate in front of him. He's had no changes to meds in a long time so that couldn't be it. What else could it be?

[Soryfam]

I have been on Daptomycin many, many time, but it was just the last time that it changed my taste completely. I hated chocolate! (still not super keen on it), yogurt was disgusting, and lots of things just weren't appetizing at all. I am just now getting my old taste back, and I've been off the Daptomycin since October.
I'd probably ask his doctor about this change. You never know, it might be something important.

Glad most of your preparations are coming along.

Sandy