6 replies to this topic

[smg]

Lately the topic of the future has come up several times in my relationship. For most of my 30 years, I never imagined myself marrying or having children. Turns out, I just hadn't met the right person. Now I'm very sure I want those things, the problem is, my boyfriend (C6/C7 incomplete)does not. At least he says he doesn't. His reasons for not wanting to have kids? He says he couldn't forgive himself for bringing a child into this world and not being able to help me the way he should be able to and not being able to play football or do other physical activities with his kid. Is this a common concern?

[dangerousdave]

Just one of the many
Buy the way - you dont have to be a crip to have such thoughts
So stop treating his thoughts as something ... differant
They aint

[smg]

dangerousdave, on 09 June 2011 - 01:54 PM, said:

Just one of the many
Buy the way - you dont have to be a crip to have such thoughts
So stop treating his thoughts as something ... differant
They aint

I'm not treating his thoughts as something different. He has told me that his concerns about parenting are specifically related to the fact he is in a chair. I know it's common for people to have doubts and concerns about bringing a child into the world, I've had plenty of my own. I was just curious about how this has been handled in other relationships? Do you give up on wanting a family someday? Try to convince them? Hope they'll change their mind over time? I know that plenty of the people here are parents and can offer some insight on fears they had.

I was just looking for some answers, not a scolding.

[mellowgator]

hi smg,

i was injured when i was 25 and newly married. i certainly felt the same as your boyfriend. that i wouldn't be able to care for the child and i would screw up their life. my grandmother even made the comment that i would ruin the kids life when the subject came up years ago at thanksgiving. so i put the idea away in the back of my mind and didn't think of it.

through the years i became very independent and my husband really wanted a family so i gave it a shot. and 7 years after my injury i gave birth to my first daughter. then 22 months later her sister. i was able to manage child care and being a mother just fine. it's the best most rewarding thing i've ever done. it gave me a reason to be alive. so i would be a yes vote. but it took me a while to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to have babies. they are now well adjusted, highly motivated, caring teenagers and i couldn't be more happy with my decision.

they are also awesome athletics. one is a long distanct runner and is probably going to get a free ride to college. the other plays both soccer and volleyball in high school. my injury didn't stop their athletic endeavors at all.

cheers to the both of you,

mellowgator

Edited by mellowgator, 09 June 2011 - 08:18 PM.

[gimpguy]

smg, on 09 June 2011 - 01:45 PM, said:

Lately the topic of the future has come up several times in my relationship. For most of my 30 years, I never imagined myself marrying or having children. Turns out, I just hadn't met the right person. Now I'm very sure I want those things, the problem is, my boyfriend (C6/C7 incomplete)does not. At least he says he doesn't. His reasons for not wanting to have kids? He says he couldn't forgive himself for bringing a child into this world and not being able to help me the way he should be able to and not being able to play football or do other physical activities with his kid. Is this a common concern?

It is a common concern,, especially I believe, with us macho men. We decided to adopt long ago and we decided on a girl largely due to my concerns about those manly activities; baseball, football, golf, etc. Surprisingly I ended up playing pitch and catch with the daughter and quite a bit of basketball (she can't go to her left). In retrospect, i don't believe that my inability to do certain physical activities has harmed my relationship with my daughter. I'm just dad and as she is now 16 years old, I'm just as dumb as all the ambloid dads are.

[AliGibson]

Hi there,

There are ways around many things and the effort and occasional times of not being able to take part in your child's activities are most definitely worth it! Does your boyfriend have any friends, with a similar level injury, who have children? May be worth seeing how someone else copes....

All the best,

Ali

[Tetracyclone]

smg has not been back in a long time. i suspect the relationship ended.