22 replies to this topic

[Astack23]

I have been a t-12 paraplegic for six years now. I currently life in an assisted living house with 17 other people. Recently I have become very bothered by the fact that I am injured. Every time I see others walking and knowing that they don't have to deal with all the issues I deal with makes me depressed. I guess I just wanted to come on here and share my feelings. I constantly deal with bowl and bladder as I'm sure many do. I sometimes wish for death because I feel that it might free me from this injury. What to do? I guess you just have to suck it up and deal with being spinal cord injured. I know everyone else on here does. It is comforting to share this with others who deal with the same issues. This site has really been a lifesaver. Any one else out there feel the same way? I hope that one day we will all be healed of this affliction. Until then I was wondering how you all manage to cope with the day to day living with these injuries?

[Ted 303]

Hi Antony, Im fairly new on here 2 so welcome!who knows what kinda problems them people u look at walking have!

I deal with the bowl & bladder 2 & of course there are bad day some worst than others just try keep the spirits up!

Ask youself would all the people walking be able to deal with what u have been through..?Hardly that makes u a VERY strong person draw strenght from that!

Edited by Ted 303, 15 June 2011 - 05:07 PM.

[airart1]

just dont see many choices around it, either get busy living or get busy dieing is about all you can do, just have to come to grips which one its gonna be.....

[Tatiana]

I aint great on the advice department.My thing (in my head) is watching people walking around and thinking to myself 'im forgetting what that felt like' and its only been 11 weeks post injury for me:unsure:

after saying that, i love life...and the people in my life.Theres still so much joy to be had. I try to find the positives all the time especially when my mind wanders to that dark place.

i guess we all cope very differently and our injuries levels differ on here, even though we all have SCI's in common.
Keep strong...i listen to music i like, often quite loud and it takes you away for a little while, takes your mind off things a little.

Keep talking and sharing your feelings as you are doing now

[barbara9999]

I also deal with depression and particularly that thought about walking normally and being able to do things like I used to and I say to myself "you mean I have to be like this until I die?" It seems like I say that to myself quite often and not always believing it I mean there is always that ray of hope that something will come along and it will be different. I am particularly sadened when I have the spasticity or the burning pain and then I always ask that same question and sometimes I do think about suicide too but these are usually fleeting thoughts. Then i try to think about what i can do, and how much more i can do then right after the accident, how far I have come with abilities - I mean in muscle strength, or even being able to open a can with a can opener, or writing my name. A year ago I remember practicing the alphabet and now I can write again or getting depressed because i could not type on the key board very fast like before the accident, used the voice recognition for awhile but now I am pretty speedy, not like before, but I am managing.

Its true that all of us on this forum are sci -- but there are so many varying abilities. I guess it is ok to be grateful for whatever we do have; and that definitely this situation is one of the most challenging that most of us will face, just getting through it on a day by day basis, staying positive, trying to be independent, learning, looking for some ways to still be productive, feeling love and giving love and caring to others.

cheer up my friend. Know that others here are feeling the same and try to think of something else. direct your thoughts to the positive even tho the negative will keep coming back.

I know that I never really thought very much about disability and what it would mean to me until it happened to me. Now I know and I am much more interested in others who are disabled and admire so much the way that each individual handles these challenges.

[Snakeye]

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger everyone with sci gets depressed and indulges in pity parties from time to time...It's all part of the deal...Good days bad days and just days...The goal is to become content with what ya got..It's a struggle for sure....Wish I could snap my fingers and get us both there..Good luck..

[rue2you]

Get on Youtube and look up the word paraplegic. Then, spend hours watching people who are even higher injured than you are get on with there life. There are two ways to live, looking at others and wishing you had more, or....live in such a way (especially with a disability)that others will think you are awesome and will look up to you as an inspiration. Personally, I think there have been people on here (who I love dearly) who have struggled and literally fought with every ounce just to take the next breathe. We have it easy my friend. Bowel and bladder are a nuisance but they are not life and death. Come on, figure out what you would like to do and do it! Anything can be done (especially for us paras) - it just has to be done differently. It can be fun just trying to figure it out! When you feel frustrated, try to find the humor. It is there (and in plenty) if you look for it.

Get on Youtube and look up the word paraplegic. Then, spend hours watching people who are even higher injured than you are get on with there life. There are two ways to live, looking at others and wishing you had more, or....live in such a way (especially with a disability)that others will think you are awesome and will look up to you as an inspiration. Personally, I think there have been people on here (who I love dearly) who have struggled and literally fought with every ounce just to take the next breathe. We have it easy my friend. Bowel and bladder are a nuisance but they are not life and death. Come on, figure out what you would like to do and do it! Anything can be done (especially for us paras) - it just has to be done differently. It can be fun just trying to figure it out! When you feel frustrated, try to find the humor. It is there (and in plenty) if you look for it.

[mcferguson]

Everyone has down days and times, but do not focus on them. Make yourself a goal and work towards it every day, such as living on your own. With an injury as low as yours, that is something eminently achievable. Don't let this injury beat you, because you are in control of whether it does or not.

[isobar]

You didn't say what happened to make you feel this way. Do you even know why ? Maybe you hit an emotional wall . I f you continue to feel this way much longer seek counseling to help you get at the source of your pain and maybe it will allow you to move on in a positive light. What you're feeling can be toxic. Do you have any interests are there any people around you who keep moving forward in spite of their condition? Both can be powerfully motivating and uplifting. The ability to walk is freeing and a lot of things wouldn't factor into life making day to day living easier. There's many walking people going through hell , its just not visible. After all the pondering and wishing what could be is done ........ the reality of your life is what it is and so many times we're powerless to change it. Best to try and find something that gives your life meaning , it lights a fire in your belly heck , you may end up happy in the long run. You never know what's ahead of you in this journey called life and maybe that's best ........ but you have to live to find out . I hope in the near future you're in a better place.

[Bkizz]

I agree with the responses above...this is a totally NORMAL feeling. Some are better at keeping a happy face than others but we are all going through the same thing on some level. I too look at people walking and think random things like, "I bet he just took a dump without a "bowel program", I bet they just had sex and could feel it" etc. This may sound horrible but knowing there is someone out there with more problems than me helps me to appreciate what I have. As a para, (and a low one at that) you have a lot more going for you than some. You can take care of yourself! Some people on here would KILL simply transfer on their own.

I went through rehab with some brain injury patients and it really helped me put things in perspective. You still have a lot of life to live...the trick is figuring out how to appreciate what you have. Good luck! I know you can do it.

[Astack23]

Thanks for all the input. Its good to know you're all out there struggling with the same issues.

Anthony

[airart1]

we all have the same issues even though every injury is different, i'm T-12 also and have done many things, and there are many things that are still to do, finances are usually the most that hold us back as much as anything, u live in colorado so i assume u ski or have, got alot of friends that enjoy and do that on a regular basis, sometimes u have to search out your niche' in life........happiness you will find will come within yourself, i've always lived on my own and owned my own home and vehicles, built my own harley to ride, its kinda my thing, great therapy to ride again, i am also a commercial artist, so i do have outlets for stress, i hope you find your outlet also and begin to enjoy your life, because it is worth enjoying! and it is still enjoyable, thats the biggest thing to remember, or it is for me, keeps me going.....i'll never give up and i hope you don't also..........

[Bkizz]

airart1, on 16 June 2011 - 06:04 PM, said:

happiness you will find will come within yourself, i've always lived on my own and owned my own home and vehicles, built my own harley to ride, its kinda my thing, great therapy to ride again, i am also a commercial artist, so i do have outlets for stress, i hope you find your outlet also and begin to enjoy your life, because it is worth enjoying! and it is still enjoyable, thats the biggest thing to remember, or it is for me, keeps me going.....i'll never give up and i hope you don't also..........

I agree 100%. I am also back to riding my motorcycle even though some would say I'm crazy for doing it. Just keep in mind that there is so much you can accomplish with the right mindset...and so much you can't with a negative mindset.

[Rdunn6469]

My nephew will not get out of bed, wontgo any where, cancel doctors appointment, is not shaving or trying at all he was walking in a walker, now has a hard time transfering, his depression is really bad please help where do i turn. who do i call, he says he wants t give up.

[isobar]

Astack23, on 16 June 2011 - 02:10 PM, said:

Thanks for all the input. Its good to know you're all out there struggling with the same issues.

Anthony

You're welcome and how are you doing these days ........ have you found motivation ?

[pinkcloud]

Hi Astak

Yeap, i spent many a day sulking..hoping that that day was when the power of me sulk would shuuu sci away
We go thorough each day in agony....what was the point of going thorough all that hard work..for yet another boring day? i know that thought well.....

i kept pushing meself into situations were i thought 'i will do this like before' - but it just is not the same anymore so quite quickly got fed up of trying to do these things, ending up in agony and just wanting to be home comfortable and relaxed.

because no matter where we go..sci comes with us....its like wanting to go to 18 year old nightcubs when we are 30..with a nagging, grumpy, boring horrid relative in tow with us...getting there, realising its sooo not the same anymore.

No point living life from the outside looking in...this with sci is our normal world now...and the more we enjoy living in the now..the better memories we are going to be able to look back on tomorrow..For if we live a life full of depression..no wonder we skip all the memories we have had with sci and just remember pre-sci life.

Sorry not a great answer but the only one that works for me so far.....

Edited by pinkcloud, 30 August 2011 - 03:45 PM.

[Irish Wheelz]

I spent my whole life being a sci due to cancer. I couldn't do what most sci did before they got injured. My sibling all did sport. As a child I wanted to do the slip'n slide and go sleding down a mountain side or play football. I did none of that because I was either in the hospital or sick. In my middle school years I never got ask to the dance, same in highschool. (I did go to the prom though) But I don't let the things I can't do discourage me. I do the things I can do and I do a hell of job at doing it. Sure I still get problems like spasm and hives breakout or being tired all the time, but oh well. Life is a bitch, not just for us sci but for other people too. Think about the people that have to stay in hospitals all the time due to thier sickness or childrens living in poverty. We all have problems whether we like them or not. You can't let life get the best of you, you got to build up that courage and show people what kind of person you are. That's how you gain confidence from people or gain friends. I hope you can live life to the fullest like I am doing right now, because there are others who are in worst position.

[Tatiana]

Hey guys..
I have been having one those days today where all i want to do (and have) is cry.....and still am as i write.
My day has just been a bad one from the start..nothing major has happened..ive just been downright peed off with it all...and i can normally be so very positive but not today.

I read your reply pinkcloud and you described exactly how i feel about the old granny in tow...:-)

Im fed up of the hospital/docs/clinic/pyhsio appointments.....lugging this fat ass around and feelin like ive run a marathon when all ive done is have a shower..im fed up of wondering if my b & b programme is effective...is there somethin i need to mention to the doc still, is my blood pressure still high?..did i dream again last night that i was 'cured' and was walking home again to tell everyone my good news? (yes i did dream it).....its poo poo and more poo!

Yes this IS the new normal...and im still so lucky and thankful that im here to tolerate the poo side of SCI and enjoy the good days to be had however shite it is...lol

Thankfully us SCI peeps are made of strong stuff!!

[Scott_C4-5]

I'm having a bad few days so don't take this too personally, but if you have the ability to care for yourself (upper-body strength and hands) you've got it good. I think it would be good for everyone, not just SCI peeps, to spend at least a couple weeks as a high-level full quad. I didn't move anything below my neck for months and was grateful when I got use of my right arm. If I had use of both arms and hands, with enough upper strength to lug my 6'6" frame around, I'd have the world but the balls. To live on my own, without being a burden on my family... now that would be the life. I realize the grass is always greener elsewhere, but from where I'm sitting, you're on a perfectly manicured golf course green. I on the other hand, feel like I'm rolling on field of dirt, with a few patches of crab grass.

When I see abled-bodied people out and about, I get a little jealous, but I'm just glad their not flopped down in front of a TV and not doing something but napping and wasting what they've been blessed with.

Find something that you enjoy doing that motivates you, and do it. You have a winning lottery ticket, cash that thing in.

Again, I hate to be harsh, but I'm reading this at a time when I'm pissed that I can't get the door open enough for my dog to get out an hour ago, and last night I coulda swore I heard a prowler on my porch and the only defense I had was to yell out and pretend to call the police.

[scaldedcat]

Having suffered from depression before my accident, I have not handled being confined to a wheelchair and the associated isssues, bowel problems etc, very well at all. I have become a virtual recluse in my unit, only going out for hospital appointments and such. I have let the concern of my bowel problems take over and struggle now with the motivation to do anything. However, I still get up every morning and see my beautiful wife and daughter, the sun is shining and I think, just get over it, get out there again and if you have an accident, so be it.

Joining Apparelyzed was the best thing I could have done, as reading the inspirational stories of people who have done so much with their lives, gives me the hope that I will one day be able to get back out there and live life to the fullest.

So my advice is to give yourself time, there is no deadline on when you start to feel like things are going to be ok and your life is still going to be a good one, wheelchair or not. Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone is different when it comes to how long it takes to come to grips with your injury.

Take care.

Edited by scaldedcat, 31 August 2011 - 02:55 AM.

[Tinbasher]

scaldedcat, on 31 August 2011 - 02:43 AM, said:

Having suffered from depression before my accident, I have not handled being confined to a wheelchair and the associated isssues, bowel problems etc, very well at all. I have become a virtual recluse in my unit, only going out for hospital appointments and such. I have let the concern of my bowel problems take over and struggle now with the motivation to do anything. However, I still get up every morning and see my beautiful wife and daughter, the sun is shining and I think, just get over it, get out there again and if you have an accident, so be it.

Joining Apparelyzed was the best thing I could have done, as reading the inspirational stories of people who have done so much with their lives, gives me the hope that I will one day be able to get back out there and live life to the fullest.

So my advice is to give yourself time, there is no deadline on when you start to feel like things are going to be ok and your life is still going to be a good one, wheelchair or not. Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone is different when it comes to how long it takes to come to grips with your injury.

Take care.

I know we all have differeing views about medication but I also had bouts of depression pre sci and afterwards. My GP was pretty clear that I was "blaming" the SCI for my depression when he felt it was just the old black dog returning. It wasnt my fault that I was depressed because I wasnt coping but the other way around. I have found short courses of medication when things are really bad to be very helpful.

Take care.

Tin

[paraguy1]

Astack23, on 15 June 2011 - 04:42 PM, said:

I have been a t-12 paraplegic for six years now. I currently life in an assisted living house with 17 other people. Recently I have become very bothered by the fact that I am injured. Every time I see others walking and knowing that they don't have to deal with all the issues I deal with makes me depressed. I guess I just wanted to come on here and share my feelings. I constantly deal with bowl and bladder as I'm sure many do. I sometimes wish for death because I feel that it might free me from this injury. What to do? I guess you just have to suck it up and deal with being spinal cord injured. I know everyone else on here does. It is comforting to share this with others who deal with the same issues. This site has really been a lifesaver. Any one else out there feel the same way? I hope that one day we will all be healed of this affliction. Until then I was wondering how you all manage to cope with the day to day living with these injuries?

Hi I have a t-12 incomplete injury. I can move a few muscles in my legs but not much. I have been this way going on 11 years now. I really havent started getting depressed til lately almost like its finally catching up to me but I have never wished for death. I have good and bad days but Im starting to worry alot about the future. Im 46 and live with my parents I wish now I would have become more independant instead of letting them do things for me. Working out helps because its natural anti depressant. But I know how you feel my crip brother focus on the good things in life.

[khalgren77]

Rdunn6469, on 08 July 2011 - 12:04 AM, said:

My nephew will not get out of bed, wont go any where, cancel doctors appointment, is not shaving or trying at all he was walking in a walker, now has a hard time transferring, his depression is really bad please help where do i turn. who do i call, he says he wants t give up.

Sounds like your nephew could really use a mentor. I see your in Lake Havaseu...I'm the peer mentor coordinator here in Phoenix. If he'd like, I can check if there is anyone out his way who could visit with him. Sometimes having someone to talk to who is in a similar situation helps. Feel free to give us a call- Karen @ Az Spinal Cord Injury Association 602-507-4209 He can also call the Reeves Foundation and request a mentor in his area- they can be reached here- http://www.christoph...J2LaMQKpK2LiO2H or If you have questions about the Peer & Family Support Program, please contact the Paralysis Resource Center at 800-539-7309 ext. 7226.
Everyone deals with SCI differently, of course. How long has he been injured? Some deal with it ok, others don't,sadly...it's a HUGE life change. It can either swallow you up or you learn to go on and live again. It's not a life sentence...we just have to learn what works for us. I'm also a T-12 incomplete. I was 44 when I was injured. I can't transfer due to no upper body strength as well as I had broken my arm and torn rotator. It sucks, yeah, but I adapt. He'll have to find what works for him, then get out there and enjoy life...yeah it does suck to be in a chair but life does go on...and there are others who have it worse,sadly...Hopefully your nephew is doing better...
The Reeves Foundation has a HUGE resource center that you can check information out. They'll send any info out to you for free...http://www.christopherreeve.org/site/c.mtKZKgMWKwG/b.4486101/k.A2E9/Paralysis_Resource_Guide_Request_Form/apps/ka/ct/contactus.asp?c=mtKZKgMWKwG&b=4486101&en=juKOL1PMJiKRL2OPJcIMK9OWKrLZKbOTKeLXLjN1LuJbE
They also have an AWESOME resource book you can request for free- THE PARALYSIS RESOURCE GUIDE is a FREE 336-page book, a comprehensive information tool for people affected by paralysis and for those who care for them. You may request multiple copies. The book comes in English or Spanish (you may request some of both languages). http://www.christoph...OTKeLXLjN1LuJbE