45 replies to this topic

[mcwriter]

Sounds to me like your the best wife ever.

You've had to deal with a lot of serious monkey-wrenches thrown into the gears, but I think you are doing an awesome job of keeping everything going and taking this life-change in stride. He'll come along with time and join life again with you.

I have been curious about whether any of his injuries due to nurses, etc. have been documented in anyway?

[The Wife]

The broken bones all came from being dropped by a nurse. She was trying to put him on the toilet, because she wanted to "potty train" him. She was trying to raise him to his feet, which is not the way I show anyone to move him.

Because he's so tall, the best way to transfer him is to put his legs out on either side of you then put an arm under each of his and lay his weight against your chest. Then you lift with your legs and just turn so that you can set him on the bed/chair/couch/etc.

Both of the nurses who've hurt him (The nurse who dropped him and the nurse who hurt his ankle) have tried to just pull him out of the chair and he ends up getting his legs tangled up and then his weight will just topple you.

The nurse who nearly overdosed him turned out to have prior drug convictions. She gave him a bag of pain medication instead of the one pill, twice a day, he was supposed to get after he broke his ribs. Turns out she'd taken some of the top, and just figured we wouldn't notice.

The shoulder was his own fault though. He got a little overzealous with his newfound ability to move, by throwing his neck and head over and then straightening them. He would have been fine on the bed, but he tried it on the couch and put himself over the edge. He landed right on his shoulder on our stone floor and put it out of socket. We have a thin rug on top of it so he threw in a little rug burn to really spice it up for the ER room.

We've also had to fire a nurse, from the same agency as the one who dropped him, for yelling at our daughter, and another for cracking Chris' tooth with a metal spoon, because she yanked the spoon out of his mouth.

I don't know what about us attracts such awful nurses, we've tried three different agencies and a dozen or so nurses, who didn't work out for one reason or another. We've finally found two really good ones, who I would cut off my fingers to keep on staff.

Edited by The Wife, 20 June 2011 - 01:47 PM.

[The Wife]

They've all been documented. I've filed police reports and probably should have filed charges against one or two of them, but I don't have the time or energy. I know two of them have been fired since then.

[davjed]

He's blessed to have you as "the wife" and I envy him for that. My ex was a great friend and partner for the first 12 years until she had her hysterectomy. After that, she just went "Bozo" and was hell to put up with. I wasn't able to understand and take it any more after another 8 years. No one would put up with me now,,,,,,,I do have a friend from the first grade of school that helps me stay independent. She has been a blessing......

[demfabbones]

You are not the worst wife ever. The worst wife ever would have never given up the things most important to her (beloved horse, partial custody of daughter.) You obviously have put the needs of your family over yourself, and that makes you an awesome wife and mom!

I am so sorry for what you're going through and commend you for being so strong. I second (and third and fourth) what others have said regarding your husband's anger: I'm sure a large part of it has to be frustration and sadness, and he may be trying to push you away because he feels guilty for putting you in this position (even though he clearly did nothing to make it happen. My dad's accident was truly an innocent accident, but he frequently apologizes to us for having it.)

Don't even get me started on what insurance will and won't pay for. Seems like they'd just like everyone to go to a nursing home so they can get bedsores and die from infections, doesn't it? Makes me sick.

Hopefully in time, with the improved care you are now getting, your husband will begin to see some improvement and will be more encouraged rather than despondent about his situation.

[Tetracyclone]

Wife,

Just to let you know I too am thinking of you. The following links may offer you both some comfort. There is a lot of information on the web about stroke and personality change. This is a forum where you will find support
for many reasons. We all understand the devastating emotional effect of being helpless. Also, stroke might technically be seen as a form of traumatic brain injury, and lots of us have known that as coupled with the SCI.

When i was a caretaker I found it worked charmingly to give my dad a time out. I would just leave the room and give him time to reset his mouth.

I find the following links helpful mainly because they show your husbands tantrums, or any personality change, are so common in stroke victims.

http://www.nytimes.c...-of-stroke.html

http://www.neuroaid....a-stroke-types/

[color="#800080"I recommend the following book-

The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science (James H. Silberman Books) by Norman Doidge (Paperback - Dec 18, 2007)

which you can find on Amazon.com

Hubby may also draw energy from one of our member's stories, which you may find at myscirecovery.com Guido only began leg movement after 2 years, so you just never know what the future can bring.

People are often able to find ways to move using different parts of the brain from the are that was damaged. Success depends a lot on perseverance, and any small gains he makes will immensely help his sense of hope and willingness to try. He sounds like there is a lot left of the guy you married. He will be a different person going forward, but likely will become someone you can admire.

Wind to your wings.

[/color]

Edited by Tetracyclone, 23 June 2011 - 05:12 PM.

[aedmon8793]

As far as your original story goes, rock on! You obviously know what HIS limits are and know that leaving him out there would be enough to make a point but not so much that it would harm him or just come across as mean.
We've been in the SCI world for two years now, there is a fine balance between tough love and waiting hand and foot, and it has to be a balance of both I think.


Absolutely I would be filing some malpractice issues with the rehab center/home care professionals you used. That is absolutely not okay. Im so glad you guys have good nurses now, because you deserve them number one, and number two, because I'm relieved to know they are still out there. We have been fortunate enough to get by on family help all this time, but we are going to start looking for a home aide soon so that Justin can practice some independence (we really dont push him in therapy the way he needs to be), and so that we can break from care back to career.

You sound like an iron woman. Chris sounds like he just needs to process a lot of emotion. When he does you will find a pleasant rhythm again, I bet.

[Kurt Haldane]

goose, on 20 June 2011 - 05:44 AM, said:

Something is definitely wrong with this picture. That's alot of broken bones in a very short amount of time. I know accidents happen but this many? Something needs to be done and soon. If it's the nurses , does the agency know about all this? Chris has been thru alot without having all this happen too. Yall have a serious problem that needs attention.

I know he's tall so are yall using a lift?

I agree goose, somethings not right there?!!

[missie]

I can completely relate to the original post.

My husband of 27 years became T12 incomplete after meningitis in March 2009.

His personality has changed for the worse because of his illness.

He is very angry and does not speak or acknowledge me and yells at me for how I ask him something.He definitely has a problem controlling his emotions.

I have voiced my concerns on many occassions to those involved with his care but because he won't agree to help nothing happens.

He has lost the opportunity to do day rehab because they suggested he get counselling and he won't.( because he exploded at me in front of the physio for something I said)

He spends all day on his laptop in his own silent world and except for some minimal exercises does not want to do anything or even listen to me because he sees it as criticism.

I am not sure what his feeligs for me are as he will not talk to me but I am sure he thinks I am doing nothing to support him.

BTW this is my first post and I would like to thank many of you who have unknowingly helped me through the last two years when I have browsed through this site looking for advice.

[Edinburgh Colin]

missie, on 17 March 2012 - 04:13 AM, said:

I can completely relate to the original post.

My husband of 27 years became T12 incomplete after meningitis in March 2009.

His personality has changed for the worse because of his illness.

He is very angry and does not speak or acknowledge me and yells at me for how I ask him something.He definitely has a problem controlling his emotions.

I have voiced my concerns on many occassions to those involved with his care but because he won't agree to help nothing happens.

He has lost the opportunity to do day rehab because they suggested he get counselling and he won't.( because he exploded at me in front of the physio for something I said)

He spends all day on his laptop in his own silent world and except for some minimal exercises does not want to do anything or even listen to me because he sees it as criticism.

I am not sure what his feeligs for me are as he will not talk to me but I am sure he thinks I am doing nothing to support him.

BTW this is my first post and I would like to thank many of you who have unknowingly helped me through the last two years when I have browsed through this site looking for advice.

Welcome Misse, sorry to hear you are suffering at his hands. Well done for having the courage to post here. There must be some way to shake him out of it, maybe if you keep searching or ask some specific questions based on your personal observations then someone can help.
Good luck,
EC

[greybeard]

Hiya Misse,

Your life can't be too wonderful at the moment. I've nothing much to offer except to suggest that you take yourself off somewhere to get a bit of alone time. Not having you around at his beck and call might just make him realise what life would be like without you in it. I hope you get a successful resolution soon.

[missie]

Thank you for your comments Greybeard and EC.

I am starting to think that his emotional problems are a result of the meningitis and that there is no answer.

I feel very alone in this relationship and worry about how things will turn out.

I know he is worried about the future too but if only he could realise what he still has and not focus on what he has lost.

He has been non compliant since he got sick but he was quite opiniated and stubborn before and never took advice on anything.

Missie.

[edlee]

Sometimes, Missie,, injuries or illness, change us,, generally for the worse,, but it's not something we can't do anything about,,, only won't.

From what you say, tho,, it appears that he hasn't changed all that much. If one starts out as an ass,,, the changes depression bring on probably won't improve much on that.

If you had reasonable communication with him before,, you can again.

On the other hand,,,, you will note from the following that I am not as willing as some, to make allowances for the actions of others. As was suggested above,, your absence from him might shake him out of his funk,,, I would go farther,, and say to you that living your life with someone who acts like you have described,, is NOT living. Each of us deserve respect from those with which we choose to live. If they are unwilling,,, you should leave,, period. Your well being would be better served elsewhere.

I was very lucky that my wife put up with my bout of depression. But mine didn't last long,, and I was aware of how I was acting,, and made an effort to change. If he remains unaware,, and unwilling,, he WILL eventually push you away.

I wish you luck, Missie.
ed

[Courtney]

I have to say, that is the funniest thing I've heard in a while.....I've threatened to lock my quadriplegic husband out of the house (sans chair)....It seems as if he just needed a dose of his own medicine. I'm 33 and my husband is 36 (his accident was 4 years ago in June) message me if you ever need to vent!!!

[Rolilancou]

Oh thank God I thought I really needed help with "My ugly attitude" towards my fiance like he always tells me whenever "I do something wrong" but reading all you guys comments I understand is a natural stage...now I just need to learn how to deal with those tantrums. I've joked with my fiance when he's not being a "scabby" there will be a time when I will no longer take it and I will kick his chair straight to the ocean. Though i would never do it I love him to pieces. It will definitely take me alot of maturity and knowledge to be like "The Wife" and just let everything go and give him a time out... I truly admire that. I can't... I snap back..eek!

[StudentNurse]

To the original poster, I just wanted to say that I have been through the same as you. My uncle suffered a brain stem stroke back in Sept. 11th of 2010 at the age of 44. Because of this he is now a quadriplegic. Exactly one month before suffering from this stroke, his son was killed in a car wreck. You can only imagine the turmoil that our family has gone through. He has went through all the emotions and being mean. I will say that his actions are worse towards his girlfriend (I refer to her as my aunt) of 25 years than it is with his siblings and nieces. When he gets lippy, we just tell him how it is, then he settles down! I never grew up around my uncle, but when his son was killed, our family came back together and we have not left their side. In the beginning I had such thin skin, but dealing with him, he has really toughened me up and I have developed thick skin. Some days you really need it with him! However, he is now taking the credit and telling me that he is glad that he could help! LOL!! He has been in a nursing facility for the past 18 months and now my cousin and I are trying to find a place for him and his girlfriend. We are so glad he is coming home. However, medicaid is only wanted to pay for 14 hours a week for aides to come in. They are currently fighting for more hours.

I am so glad that I have stumbled upon this site.