16 replies to this topic

[ShannonNicole]

Hey all, I'm relatively new to the forum. And really, I'm just needing a good vent with anyones input.
My fiance is a c-5 quadriplegic. In late 07, he was leaving walmart when two guys cornered him with guns and directed him to get into his truck and drive. They told him to empty his pockets, and take them to his bank. He told him that he didn't use banks and the guy shot him. Becoming instantly paralyzed, his foot stayed on the accelerator and wrecked through a wooden fence where his tires stayed on the fence causing a friction fire, leaving him paralyzed and with 20% of his body burned. We got together after his injury, got engaged and he ended up moving in. And my God, it's been rough. Between the hospital visits, bathing, hair care, dressing, bowel program, range of motion, taking care of dressing and his catheter, preparing his meals and feeding him when he needs help, repositioning. I'm a lover, a caregiver, a nurse, I'm OT and PT. I'm everything. How do I find time for me? Simple tasks like going to walmart for a few things turn into an event in itself. (getting meds, getting dressed, empty foley bag, a little range of motion, getting him in his chair, repositioning him, put Ted Hose sleeves on, braces on, then it's time to load up where we spend another 10 minutes letting him get in the van and moving up to the front passener area. These days, simple, little tasks are the complete opposite. I feel like an ass, guilty and selfish to want things back to how they use to be.
I love Randy, I do. Or I'm sure he wouldn't be laying in our bed right now. But anytime I get started on ANYTHING, it's "baby, could you do this/I need this" etc. etc., it's exhausting and nerve wrecking. And hell on my body. I won't go into detail too much, but he did a few things most people would think were unfaithful (didn't cheat though) and I'm just like... REALLY?!? after ALL I've done and have to do for you?!

His family doesn't help at all. His mom, dad, 2 brothers live so close it's ridiculous.
But that's another rant in itself.

My only problem with Randy as it is, is his wondering eyes, the way Ill be doing something he asked me to do and before I finish he's wanting me to do something else too, and how inconsiderate he is to my needs or what I want, making me comfortable. I was really sick not too long ago and it was still all about him. I'm wearing down, and fast. I've made hundreds of accommodations to my apartment, our vehicle, my life and basically anything that involves me. Here lately, his jealousy and anger has really been getting me. (Really? I cant get a massage because some guy will be rubbing my back?! HELLO! it hurts because of you!)

I love him and I would do anything and change everything to make him comfortable. But I can't forget about me and my life or I'll become some nasty depressed version of someone I don't want to be. He is my world and my everything, I can't imagine being without him. It'd be like I was missing my heart.
It just sucks that there's no more downtime. No time where I can just lay back and do nothing. There's always something to do or somewhere to go. And I have to do everything and manage everything, by myself. I'm 20 Yrs old and now I'm second guessing if this is what I want, I know it is. But can I handle it physically and mentally?

Help!

[Tetracyclone]

ShannonNicole,


Welcome to the forum, girl, and a fine rant that was.

Your man has developed some seriously bad habits, and there are some old threads around here that would be good for you to read. cHECK THROUGH THE CAREGIVER AREA.

Disability can be a terrible temptation to become utterly selfish. This seems to have happened, unless he was that way before injury, which is possible.

NO! You do not want to spend your life this way. Either he changes his behavior (try counseling. Have him read these forums), or you will end up shipping out sooner or later.

He may be jealous precisely because he knows you are in an impossible situation from which any sensible person would be thinking of exit, even though you are not at this time.

Sorry to be so blunt. I know you are deeply in love, but love should be good for everyone involved.

[mcwriter]

It's good to get things off your chest. Often times, typing it out not only gets it out of your system, but also gives you the opportunity to look at what you've typed from a new perspective. When you are exhausted, everything seems so much bigger and overwhelming.

You did not say how long you have been together, is he about your same age and I am also wondering if you have talked to him about your feelings and your exhaustion?

Needing time for yourself is not unreasonable, but it is something that you have to discuss with him and you both need to agree on that block of time where you can be undisturbed, get some rest, or do something that you enjoy that makes you feel like you. Once you both agree to this, you both can be prepared ahead of time of the possible needs he may have during that block of time so that he won't have to call you unless it is an emergency. Look into outside help if at all possible. Maybe a service can come in for a few hours on a regular schedule.

A couple of things are bothering me, though. You said that he did some things that some would think were unfaithful, but not really cheating, still you were shocked and offended by whatever it was. Your response to his actions were, "REALLY?!? After ALL I have done and have to do for you?"

I'm seeing a big red flag here. Without knowing any of the details, I have to say that there is no scorecard in a good relationship. When you do something out of love, you are not expecting anything in return, because love is all about the act of giving. Keeping score perpetuates resentment and is not good for either of you, however, I do understand the heat of the moment when things are said and not necessarily meant. Rather than the accusing tone, find out his reasons and not only that, but he may not think of whatever it was the same way that you do. You each may have an entirely different opinion about whatever it was, but you cannot know what the other does or does not approve of if you don't know how they see it.

Also, you said, "Here lately, his jealousy and anger has really been getting me. (Really? I cant get a massage because some guy will be rubbing my back?! HELLO! it hurts because of you!)" If you love someone and now are aware that the other person is uncomfortable with you and interaction with the opposite sex, then avoid those situations, it's simple. Get a female masseuse. Consider the underlying reasons for his jealousy and anger which may very well be that he is afraid of losing you. If you want him to respect your own faithfulness, don't give him a reason to question it.

I don't think you said how long you have been together or how long you have been involved with his care. Of course, when we enter into a relationship we are all about taking on the whole ball of wax without really knowing what it truly entails. You now know there is much more to it than you ever imagined, but it is like this...you either have to take control of it or be controlled by it. It is hard to feel like you are at someone's beck n' call and you feel like a pinball being bounced this way and that but never allowed to just roll down the middle and rest until the next game. What you have to understand that you are not a victim of your circumstances and you do have the power to address them on your terms. But you need to figure out your terms and discuss them with your boyfriend and you have to do it considering what if the situations were reversed and you were the one needing the care? You two have to get to that place where you can discuss things without being defensive. It's hard to get past that point. Don't do it in the heat of the moment, because neither of you can really listen to the other if your own mouths are working. And when you do talk, make sure you understand what the other is really saying, be as clear as you can, ask questions, repeat what you heard in your own words to see if you understood it right.

You have a choice to stay and do those million and one things or to leave and not have to do anything. You have the choice to look at the things you do as a chore or as an act of love. You can walk away from this life, he can't. He's in it for the long haul and what we all want is someone to to love us enough that they are willing to be there no-matter what, during the best of times and the worst of times. No one wants to live under the possibility that the one person they have the most emotional investment in might go away when things get tough. If you're going to stay, you have to find a way to look at the things you do differently. If you can't get past holding it over his head, don't stay. Your love has to be bigger than any problem that can arise. A relationship cannot survive if you isolate yourself from the other and let things fester separately.

Ask him to listen to you and not say anything until you are finished. Be open to his side and listen intently. Then deal with it openly together, discussing how you can help each other. Show your desire to make it work. Let him know that you are worried about your own health. When he realizes what is going on with you, he will think about his own actions, and hopefully you can both build from there.

[Nailed]

A lot of good advice has been said in the preceeding posts. I can only echo what has been said. You need to tell him how you feel, for your own good and the good of the relationship.

You need a time out for yourself. Get a nurse if you can to take care of the caregiving responsibilities. I believe love and relationships need to be nurtured and serviced like most things in this life or it can quickly die and turn into hatred. It sounds like he is taking your love and assistance for granted.

During the early years of my disability I was very horrible and selfish to my family, it took me living by myself to learn to appreciate all the help and assistant they were giving me. I learnt to be considerate and to appreciate others afresh, I am still learning. Tell him how you feel when he does something that hurts or make you uncomfortable. Whatever you decide to do good luck.

[Snakeye]

Here's the deal..I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if I've learned anything since my accident, it is: If a spinal cord injured individual wants their spouse, caregiver or lover to hang around and see to their needs, they had best be constantly aware of their (spouse, etc) feelings and needs as well or sooner or later the relationship will go south.......

[ShannonNicole]

Thank you all for the replies. However, we have talked about it. We'll sit down to talk and I'll usually say something along the lines of, "Randy, I know you will always come first, but there are things I need and want out of a relationship. It's the last thing I want, but I know I'll end up leaving if things don't change." He usually comes back with, crying and saying, "please stay. I promise I can change. I promise I will try. " and things will be better for 3-4 days, but it's like he forgets.
Maybe I read too much into things, but he broke my heart the other day. We got a game that's called days of romance or something where you pick a card and have to do what that says. After almost all day I asked him what his card had said, and he replied: Damn it! I forgot. It said, "spend the day telling your loved one how much they mean to you and how much you lie them". I thought to myself.. 'That sucks... He needed a card to TELL him to do that, and he still forgot to say how much he loves me...'

Anyway, I don't take care of him expected to get anything in return from that. I expect something in return out of our relationship, his disability aside. I always put him first, no matter what. If he's freezing while I'm burning up, I still make it warmer. I can not honestly remember the last night I slept a whole night, without him waking me up atleast 3 times. When we were in the hospital for a month, I stayed there 24/7.

As far as the unfaithful thing goes, we have talked about it. He knows it was wrong and says he did it all because he was stupid and didn't realize how much it would hurt is. Anything is so easy to talk to with us. I've never seen a couple be SO comfortable with each other. That being said, just because we talk about it doesn't mean any improvement will be made. What sucks about askih for advice, is you could write out 5 pages about yor relationship, but if those people don't KNOW you and see how you function and how yor relationship really is, all is in vain.

Love them* not lie them. Stupid autocorrect.

[ShannonNicole]

And about his jealousy, I can't avoid all of the situations. We were leaving a hospital and a security guard said, "have a nice day" to me and HE replied, "f*@k you, Faggot".
Hes 34, I'm 20. The jealousy is completely overrated. Theres no way I can just avoid men, all the while he's saying I never did anything to lose his trust or make him think I'll be unfaithful.
He's ridiculous with his jealousy, before he was injured he stabbed a guy over his wife at the time and he didn't even like her!

[ShannonNicole]

And anytime I mention taking a small break, or spending an hour or two apart, he fights it. He will literally say "you don't want to be around me? You need to get away from me? I want to spend 24/7 with you..."

[Tetracyclone]

Didja know?

Even though your guy did not like his wife at that time, after the attack (and after many other nasty events) he begged her forgiveness, told her he loved her with all his heart, and promised to be good.

[mellowgator]

run away and fast. this guy's nuts.

[catmint]

Have to say after reading through the posts I think it's amazing your still with him.

From what you've said he seems to be a manipulative bully. IMO typical thugish behaviour, he hurts you, says sorry, things are good for 5 minutes then he reverts to type. It make things a bit more complicated as he's living in your apartment but this relationship needs to end.

You asked for advice and have got a selection. Mine is to get rid of him ..and quick.

[ShannonNicole]

It does make it harder to end things, if that's what I chose to do. We break up - he goes to a nursing home. I love him, with everything I have. He is just too damn selfish.

[dancin' johnny]

[Tetracyclone]

Take your time, girl. Do your own thinking.

"The Rescuer" is a very appealing role to play in life- I know, I have been drawn to it. Inevitably I found that the people i sacrificed for did not want rescuing,though they were willing to take advantage of my help.

I thought being needed was everything. Finally at 50 I fell for someone who did not really need me, but loved me. What a difference this has made in my self-respect. He loves me just for me? Not for what I do for him?

I wish I had gotten tired of being needed earlier.

I'm not saying you are like me. You may be, you may not. Just think for yourself, and remember you do not owe anyone your life.

[Edinburgh Colin]

ShannonNicole,
You are only 20 and no disrespect but even if you think you have lived enough life to be experienced, you have not. At 20 you should not be in this position. You are young and DO DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE with love and passion and understanding and SPACE and consideration and more than anything be treated with respect.
From reading your posts I don't see how you are getting any of these things, you may think you are but if you really write each one down and try and tick each one for every time it's happened in the last week I bet there are very few ticks. As a woman of 20 you should have dozens of ticks even if you were not in a relationship but just hanging out with fiends!
It must be your choice but I think you need to be selfish for you! I'm sure there is a man out there who would provide most of these things in abuundance if you were to treat him in a similarly selfless way to the way you treat Randy.

Good luck scoring your card and seeing the truth. You DESERVE to be treated with respect as an independant woman.

EC

[araitn]

dancin, on 03 July 2011 - 09:25 AM, said:

churchsign.jpg

Good job dancin' johnny on providing ShannonNicole an answer to her topic of this thread.

There's your sign!

[LeahC]

In my opinion you only get treated how you let yourself get treated so unless you tell him how you feel then it's going to continue.