62 replies to this topic

[caseyann]

Ok so just told my husband c5 that I want to go on holidays without him and I just feel so guilty but I just need to get away and forget about his sci for a few days
so I am bei g cruel do t want to hurt his feelings

[Illinois Boy]

YES.......

Jim

[Snakeye]

If my wife told me that I'd make every effort to get top-billing in her nightmares the whole time she was on vacation...

[Soryfam]

I think it's fine if you also go on holidays together. What if he wanted to go on holiday without you? Would it even be possible? How does he feel about it? I wouldn't mind if my hubby wanted to go backpacking, skiing, whatever. Before my SCI we sometimes went places alone, so it's really no difference. But the way it sounds like you told him I think he might feelbad/guilty, etc. I mean really, don't you think he would like to "to get away and forget about his sci for a few days" ? too?


Sandy

[edlee]

So what if you are??? If he doesn't get it by now,, that his SCI causes YOU a lot of stress, too,, then I suggest he might have a bit of TBI, also.

I would love to see my wife get an opportunity to go away with friends for a vacation. Anyone that doesn't isn't secure enough in their marriage to see it as a good thing,,, might be in need of councelling, themself.

Sandy,,, we can't get away from it,,, our loved ones hopefully can, for a while. I see it as extremely selfish to in any way make them feel bad about it. WE are the injured ones,, not them,,, they deserve better from us.
ed

[Soryfam]

So what if you are??? If he doesn't get it by now,, that his SCI causes YOU a lot of stress, too,, then I suggest he might have a bit of TBI, also.

I would love to see my wife get an opportunity to go away with friends for a vacation. Anyone that doesn't isn't secure enough in their marriage to see it as a good thing,,, might be in need of councelling, themself.

Sandy,,, we can't get away from it,,, our loved ones hopefully can, for a while. I see it as extremely selfish to in any way make them feel bad about it. WE are the injured ones,, not them,,, they deserve better from us.
ed

Yes, I do wish I could give my hubby better, but I can't. So I live each day being sad about how it has effected him and how many things he has to do for me. I don't have a problem with her taking a vacation on her own; I would gladly do the same for my hubby. I was just thinking of the way it was being told to her husband.

Sandy

[mellowgator]

you should go and feel no guilt as long as proper care is in place in your absence. i also am traveling alone is august and can't wait to have some time away from my family.




mellowgator

[Snakeye]

[quote name='edlee' timestamp='1309646329' post='238830']
So what if you are??? If he doesn't get it by now,, that his SCI causes YOU a lot of stress, too,, then I suggest he might have a bit of TBI, also.

I would love to see my wife get an opportunity to go away with friends for a vacation. Anyone that doesn't isn't secure enough in their marriage to see it as a good thing,,, might be in need of councelling, themself.

Sandy,,, we can't get away from it,,, our loved ones hopefully can, for a while. I see it as extremely selfish to in any way make them feel bad about it. WE are the injured ones,, not them,,, they deserve better from us.
ed
[/quoite

*Well Ed..I would be upset if my wife suddenlly informed she was taking off on vacation without me cause she needed to get away from my ass and no..I don't feel I'm selfish, nor insecure in my marrige of 32 years and am not in need of councilling...Nor would I take off on her for a lengthy period if she was ill...Every marrige is differnt and built on it's own unique perspectives constructed over time and exsperiences...When it comes to relationships one size don't fit all so you row your boat and I'll row mine....

Edited by Snakeye, 02 July 2011 - 11:40 PM.

[ZEN12many]

CaseyAnn

You don't have much info on your profile. How long has it been since your husbands injury? Can he take care of himself? Will someone be coming in to help him? Does he know and feel comfortable with this person?

Depending on the answers above, I think you should be able to vacation without your husband. You might start with a short two nights/three days and see how that goes. You might find that several shorter vacations are easier to sell and also provide you more relief. And speaking of "selling", it sounds like you really need to work on that. I am sure it hurts your husband when he feels like you can't wait to get away from him.

My wife goes on a vacation every year with one of her girlfriends. I can't walk on the beach anymore; I wouldn't want to deny that to my wife.

[lavenderthistle]

I'm going home to my Mommy later this month. I just need some space...sometimes life builds. I agree...go and come back refreshed and happy

[dm999]

The question is, do you want to get away for a holiday or do you really want to get away! There shouldn't be guilt if your marriage is sound.

[Slowlegs]

I think it is a good thing, if just for your sanity. Everyone deserves a holiday.

[catmint]

Yes...and ...no.

Do you need a holiday because your physically burnt out and need a break or is your relationship burnt out.

Your lack of detail makes it hard to give an answer so I have to speak from my experience.I had never had help with my husbands care (married 22years this year but lived together before that)we have always had our holidays together. I couldn't contemplate having a holiday without him.

However, the last couple of years we have had live in PAs and last year I went away twice for 5 days with my daughter. My hobby ( obsession) is family history, long before it became a bit of an in thing. So overgrown churches/graveyards, visiting the local family history centres etc is my thing. I came back with loads of pictures, videos, copies of documents which he sorted out and put them in order,put on discs/files etc. We spoke every evening and told him our day.I don't kid myself he had a whale of a time but he encouraged me to go and we both gained a lot out of it. Well he found out it is possible to live on microwave fish pie for 4 straight days

So the sum total is you need to be honest with yourself and him about what this holiday alone is really about. If the real issues are either that you need help with his care or that you want the relationship to end the a week apart isn't giong to solve any thing.

[Snakeye]

The point is: Your words imply you just up and arbitrarily informed your husband you were getting out of town for a while cause you couldn't take it any longer, whether he liked it or not, and if put to him in that manner I'm sure he found it hurtful...That is a totaly differnt scenerio than calmly sitting down and discussing your need to escape the pressure pot that is life with the spinal cord injured while still taking his needs into account when making your plans....I fear some posters (myself included) on this thread have been jumping to conclutions and giving their strong opinions on your situation with incomplete data in hand since your statment was rather vauge...Please exspand so none of us will go barking down the wrong trail...

[caseyann]

Hi all
sorry for lack of info I am just burned out from all the care he has no pa at moment but will be getting one in oct my husband has no prob with me going just I feel guilty we will go some where as a family for a few days aswell but just need so me time without having to worry about bowel care etc and my marriage is fine
my husband is a c5 he had a car accident 5 years ago and I am the only carer

[Snakeye]

Hi all
sorry for lack of info I am just burned out from all the care he has no pa at moment but will be getting one in oct my husband has no prob with me going just I feel guilty we will go some where as a family for a few days aswell but just need so me time without having to worry about bowel care etc and my marriage is fine
my husband is a c5 he had a car accident 5 years ago and I am the only carer

If you both agree your getting away for a spell is a good thing and there are no hard feelngs involved I see no problem in retreating from the pressure for a spell...Naturally you would feel guilty over being able to get away since you love him but you are probably being too hard on yourself...Hopefully your short absence will refresh you both and help you find and keep your center...Best of Luck..

Edited by Snakeye, 03 July 2011 - 10:08 AM.

[Steven K]

I'd say more power to you, I can't stand being around my own crippled ass, I can't imagine someone else having to be around me all the time also. At least you're honest, looking at the responses, you posted on the wrong website. I commend you!

[pinkcloud]

if other people think you are a bitch because you fancy a holiday from sci, then be a bitch, you cant be perfect all the time.

I wish i could have a holiday from sci....knowing that someone can, briliant news to me.

If you feel horrid, selfish , mean, nasty...you may as well not bother going.

Have a great time, i hope you can forget about the sci...and with time apart miss ya partner for the person they are, not the condition they have.

Go girl, have a blast you deserve one

[Edinburgh Colin]

If you can and he agrees and has care in place then go for it.
I'm sitting home alone at present as my wife and 3 kids are away on holiday without me. I was supposed to go but broke my leg 2 weeks ago and cannot fly. She wanted to try and change it but at my insistence she went on as planned.
Having said that I am getting some peace and she has the 3 kids!
EC

[4tun8]

No, a bitch not. Donna has took holiday from the situation for years. And when she doesn't her best friend flies out and have a great time, most of them with me included. I took a 3 week vacation last September ( The Crip Trip ), my first post injury. My daughter served as driver/caregiver. We covered 6,000 miles and 4 Nat'l Parks, and had a blast. I bought souveniers for those back home. I believe in the adage ~ absence makes the heart grow fonder. My vacation was a staycation for her, beneficial to all. And my daughter and I grew closer too. Solo holidays have their benefits, but need to be discussed, not just willy nilly, as their are finances and care to be covered at all times. mark

[wheeliebear75]

If you can and he agrees and has care in place then go for it.
I'm sitting home alone at present as my wife and 3 kids are away on holiday without me. I was supposed to go but broke my leg 2 weeks ago and cannot fly. She wanted to try and change it but at my insistence she went on as planned.
Having said that I am getting some peace and she has the 3 kids!
EC

So who's having the vacation.....her or YOU?
(I've got 4 myself)

[isobar]

Hi all
sorry for lack of info I am just burned out from all the care he has no pa at moment but will be getting one in oct my husband has no prob with me going just I feel guilty we will go some where as a family for a few days aswell but just need so me time without having to worry about bowel care etc and my marriage is fine
my husband is a c5 he had a car accident 5 years ago and I am the only carer

Sounds like everything 's in place and it ' s good you ' ll be able to have that vacation. I hope you have a blast .

[Ginny]

I wish you could leave the guilt behind and have some fun. I know it's hard to have to care for someone and keep up with a slower pace, etc. I encourage my husand to get away as much as possible and do the things he loves and that I'm unable to do. We also vacation together. Before SCI, I went off on my own, too. It's healthy to be apart from time to time.

[Leandra]

Its hard being a caregiver at times, I understand having to get away, I couldnt imagine not being with my other half on holidays however we also have 3 kids together... But I still go out with my friends sometimes and enjoy myself you have to, otherwise you go crazy

[caseyann]

Thanks for all advice going on holidays in sep for 6 days with my two best friends and don't feel guilty at all

[isobar]

Glad you'll be able to get away and not feel guilty ........ make sure it's fun , exciting and memorable.

Glad you'll be able to get away and not feel guilty ........ make sure it's fun , exciting and memorable.

[MTR]

Excellent time is well deserved. Refuel your tank by not thinking about much except the moment (away from it all). Tell him it was great when you get back and that you love him and schedule with your friends again for next year.

[Crystals]

My opinion is you are is wife, and it must be hard to take on the role as carer, so you deserve a break!, some people dont realise even carers get there time off and if your his full-time carer at the moment you need a break to get yourself together relax and just have time for yourself , and time to think about things and worry less, its completely understandable, if he doesn't understand that, its abit selfish of him.

Its fully understandable if you need to get away for what ever reason, we all need space and time for our selfs and you shouldnt feel guilty for that, maybe that will give him time to have a break also , even people who love each other need there alone time apart.

I can see why he may feel sad , maybe you can explain it in a way so he doesn't feel like his sci is pushing you away it can be hard for him obvously as well as hard for you maybe say like you just need a girly holiday with your friends its understandable.

[Charlie-boi]

Yea defo a bitch......

Only kidding! But sounds like you could have phrased your thoughts better to the bloke!!

[Bethy]

Whoever said you are a bitch, obviously does not know how it is to have to care for someone 24 hrs.

In some cases waking up during the night, waking up really early, throughout the day constant care from making a cup of tea to helping with physio.

And it is not only the care that gets you tired, the worst is the constant grumpiness and rejection towards you.
Truly I have at times felt, that I am to act as if I was invisible. As a carer without any family relations towards the person injured in many cases you are NOT WELCOME into their lives.
Psychologically for the carers it is lonely, depressing, unrewarding and really sad. It is what most people do… through their anger towards carers.

People ask me if it is rewarding, YES but only when caring for someone that has come to terms about their injury and that now accept his/her condition. Therefore is now treating the person that is helping without being aggressive and/or trying to diminishing you.

It comes down to money: There should be more assistance to carers and to those whom have been injured!
The system again is looking on how to save more instead of how to care more.