63 replies to this topic

[AlaskaOne]

bongorum, on 23 January 2012 - 06:51 PM, said:

It has been twenty years for me and that has afforded me sufficient time to contemplate my condition and acquire enough self-knowledge to know that I shall never again walk and should never realistically hope to do so. But that of itself hardly troubles me, and, with rare exceptions, I never find myself grieving for what I’ve lost. What does scare me though is my dependence. My wife is so integral to my emotional and physical well-being that I often wonder what will happen if one day she’s not there. Sometimes when I’m alone in my bed or in my chair I will plunge into this morbid mood during which I’ll just begin conceiving of a hundred different scenarios in which our permanent separation is brought about. I'll begin by imagining accidents, then every species of violent crime which will invariably entail her demise. Beset by these fears, I often will feel that to die now before she does is the only way of avoiding the terrifying future I envisage without her. At such times, I freely confess, I become a little suicidal, but the despair always passes and things come right again.

These unwholesome thoughts are the one evil wrought by sci that I know if I could overcome would leave me immeasurably happy and contented with my lot, but sadly thus far no way to do so has suggested itself to my mind.

Your post leaves me no hope. I am just over a year from my accident w/ hopes that my mental state would improve w/ time. I too depend solely on my wonderful husband for all my physical and mental care. I too feel that I can and have somewhat come to terms w/ my physical state. What I absolutely cannot reconcile in my heart is how I am responsible for the piss-poor quality of life he now has. We fish commercially, lived in a remote bush site in a log cabin we built ourselves, and subsisted almost entirely off the land and sea. Now we live in another state and he is having to forego all that he once did that literally defined who he is. So now we're both lost and I feel so terribly guilty. I despair of twenty more years of this.

[bongorum]

I too feel guilt of the kind you've described relative to my wife, and when I allow myself to get lost in it, numberless are the tears I shed inside. Nevertheless, because depression and despair are contagious, I try my utmost to shut those unproductive feelings up within myself and instead give vent to the other feelings of which my heart is always full - it is of course love of which I speak. I show her as much of my love and appreciation as possible whenever possible, and because she is the incredible person that she is, it always proves enough. I imagine it's the same with your husband. You mustn't allow neglect of him to grow in the shadow of your guilt, instead cherish him with all the eagerness of your soul and let the rest take care of itself.

Another thing, a few posts up is greybeard's contribution. It's very sound advice and should be followed to the letter, with the exception of the scotch part, of course, unless you love the stuff as much as he and I do.

Edited by bongorum, 24 January 2012 - 08:01 PM.

[Niceparalegs]

3 mo post op: "LIVE WITH HOPE FOR A BETTER TOMORROW, BUT ACCEPT THE TODAY YOU HAVE AND LIVE IT AS THOUGH IT MAY BE YOUR LAST." We aren't promised tomorrow or even one more breath. Make the ones youre blessed with count.

[Tetracyclone]

Bongo-
No need to fret about your wife. have your poison pill updated every year, then if something happens to your wife just call, "be right with you dear!"